Month: September 2014

You Can’t Please Anybody

Dear Diary …

You cannot please anybody these days. No matter what you do … no matter how careful you are to spare other people’s feelings … Somebody’s always gonna get mad. Boo hoo hoo.

Not that I even care what people think. Honestly, I gave that up a long time ago and my life is a lot better for doin’ it. But I also don’t wanna hear your lip … it’s just annoying. Cuz whiners love to whine … about EVERYTHING.

Now I’ve been known to dabble in the advice columns … Miss Manners, Heloise, Dear Abby … I enjoy other people’s problems. They make me feel better about myself where I can think … well at least I ain’t THAT person! It’s good therapy. Plus I like to read the advice, because a lot of times I disagree with it.

Anyway … I stumble across this letter from a woman who’s all mad because she and her husband were out to dinner with their little kid. And while they were eating … a random stranger went to the family at the table next to them … who also had a kid … and told them that their kid was sooo beautiful and well-behaved.

I assume you’re thinking, “Where’s the problem here?” Well … she was furious that this woman didn’t ALSO compliment HER child for being beautiful and well behaved. How DARE she not compliment BOTH children!!!!

You gotta be kidding me! Like it’s some sort of law that you can’t just compliment one kid … now you gotta compliment ALL the kids within earshot so nobody gets their feelings hurt.

Here’s a crazy idea … maybe your kid’s got a big head. And that’s fine … I’m sure he’s a great kid … but maybe also weird looking. And even if he wasn’t, the point is you don’t have to compliment the one kid just because he’s near the other kid.

Here’s the reality … not everybody in the world gets to have everything. And … just cuz you want something … that doesn’t mean you’re entitled to it.

Like here’s a story involving me. Recently I had to fly somewhere. Doesn’t matter where, because flying stinks everywhere. It’s expensive, the airlines are mean, the airport is filled with sick people who like to cough and blow their nose all over the place. The whole thing is a miserable experience.

And the airlines like to make sure they deliver on this promise of misery. So … my flight got cancelled and I got bumped to standby on the next flight, along with a bunch of other people. In particular a woman, who for the sake of this story, we call call “Angry Old Lady.”

Now Angry Old Lady wants to get on the next flight. Heck … we ALL want to get on the next flight. But we are now at the mercy of the airline and which names they decide to call.

Well … turns out they call my name and not Angry Old Lady’s. And she is FURIOUS. With me! What did I do? I’m just standin’ here, havin’ my name called. I don’t make the order. It’s not my fault they called me first.

“Well I WANT that seat!”

Good for you. So do I.

“Well I have places to go!”

What? And I just enjoy sitting in airports all day? We all have places to go … that’s the point of traveling. That’s why we’re at the airport!

Just cuz you want something doesn’t mean you’re gonna get it.

I want a cheese cave. I’m not getting a cheese cave. I’m at peace with that. You are not getting this seat.

“But I want it”

Well too bad!

OK … maybe I shouldn’t have taunted Angry Old Lady, but you get the point … life ain’t perfect. Deal with it.

And quit getting upset and offended over everything you don’t like or agree with … you stinkin’ prudes!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

The Great iPhone Conspiracy

Dear Diary …

We are all victims of one big conspiracy! Now I realize that I’m going to sound a bit like a lunatic when I start talking, but that’s what “they” want you to think. And by “they,” I mean the people that are orchestrating this conspiracy … and you’re a part of it. Even if you don’t know you’re a part of it, they are gettin’ to you too.

“They” are controlling you … specifically controlling how you spend your money. And “they” are Apple Computer. And not just Apple … other technology people are “they” also, but Apple is the current “they” that’s messing with you.

And what do I mean by this lunatic rant? Well let me tell you a little story about a boy named Zack …

Zack owns an iPhone 5. Zack enjoys his iPhone 5. Zack has never had an issue with his iPhone 5.

Last week … Apple announced the iPhone 6.

And guess what happened THE DAY of that announcement?

Zack’s battery in his iPhone 5 just didn’t seem to be as strong as it used to be. All of a sudden, Zack’s uses his phone a little bit and then … brrmmmmp … low battery.

“Oh hey there Zack … don’t worry. Look what you can have … this shiny NEW phone with no battery problems. All you gotta do is give us a bunch of money and all your problems go away.”

I mean, this is obvious to everybody now, right? They deliberately make the older stuff work like crap, so you have to buy the shiny new stuff, which next year will immediately become the old crap that you need to throw out. It’s the conspiracy, and we’re all in the cycle.

And what I want to know is … when does this stop? Anything technology-related already costs an arm and a leg, and the price just keeps going up and up and up. But you know what’s not going up and up and up? Our pay! It’d be fine if they’re both going up, but they ain’t.

It is time to take a stand!!

And you know what I’m gonna do about it? Nothin’ … Cuz they got me … and now I’m trapped. iPhone 6 anyone?

OK diary … while we are talking phones … I’m going to give everybody a free lesson in telephone etiquette. This is old school stuff … you know … actually TALKING on a phone.

If I call you, and you don’t recognize the number on the caller ID, that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to be a jerk to me the second you pick up the phone.

This happened to me recently calling a prize winner. The woman won concert tickets for crying out loud, but when I call her to tell her, some random dude … I’m assuming boyfriend … answers the phone … “What?”

“Um … hi. Zack from K92 here. Just calling for Courtney.”

“Why?”

Why? Well it was to give her concert tickets, but now it’s maybe to suggest that dump your rude boyfriend and find a guy with some manners.

Good God people … it’s called being polite. Would it kill ya to MAYBE start the conversation a little less accusatory?

It’d be one thing if this was an isolated incident, but it isn’t. Ever get a wrong number from somebody, and they’re mad at you? What are you mad at me for? It was your sausage fingers that dialed incorrectly.

How about an “I’m sorry?” Or at least just be halfway pleasant? Sheesh.

I know … niceness lessons from me … who’da thunk it? You know we’re way too mean if now I’M one of the nice ones.

So be more polite you jerks! There … lesson over.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

It’s Fall Already?

Dear Diary …

The seasons … they are a-changing. And you know how I can tell? Well it’s not that the leaves are changing color … cuz they aren’t. It’s not that there is a chill in the air … cuz it was 95 degrees over the weekend. And it’s not that the sun is setting early … cuz it’s still light out well into the evening.

Then how do I know that the seasons are a-changin’? Well I’m just guessing, because every store I drive by has a bunch of Halloween stuff for sale. So apparently it’s fall. 90 degree … bright green … sunny … fall.

Now look … I have come to accept as a fact of life that stores put this stuff out early. Halloween stuff goes out the day after Labor Day … and Christmas stuff will be EVERYWHERE the day after Halloween (and maybe even sooner). I don’t blame them. I blame you. You who buys the stuff the minute they put it out. It’s your fault. If nobody bought the stuff … they wouldn’t put it out so early. So I blame you. Don’t complain. You did this.

But here’s the one thing that I really don’t understand … pumpkins. And I mean real pumpkins … not you fake pumpkin people that have turned us all into a Pumpkin Spiced World already. Whatever … Not for me. But, it makes you happy and you love the stuff, so enjoy your fumpkin.

But REAL pumpkins … already for sale at the store. And I see that, and I wonder … “What idiot buys a real pumpkin the first week of September?” What are you gonna do with that thing? Cut it up for a Jack-o-Lantern? It was 90 degrees this weekend … all you’re gonna have is a saggy, wrinkled old man jack-o-lantern that smells like death and decay on your front stoop. Who wants death and decay by their front door? Not me!

And you ain’t gonna eat it … no normal human actually takes home a giant grocery store pumpkin and roasts it. So it’s just gonna sit there in your house, or in front of your house, going bad.

4 days ago … 4 days!!! I was at the beach … wearing suntan lotion and putting limes in beers. For the love … It’s not pumpkin time yet!

OK … moving on Diary …

As a parent, every day is an adventure. And life in general is all about balance … the kid, they don’t get EVERYTHING they want, but they get stuff. Some days are all about them. And other days there’s grownup time so Mommy and Daddy can act like real people.

My point is … I make the call. Daddy. Well Mommy too … but we’re in charge. And whatweI don’t need, is other people in our lives doing what I call “working the kid propaganda.” This is where they ask the kid directly if they wanna do something.

For example … my Mother is coming to town this week … and she’s always working the kid propaganda.

She’ll go to my daughter and say … “Hey Isabella … do you think we should go get ice cream tonight?”

What do you think she’s gonna say? She’s five. Of COURSE she’s going to say yes! And now I gotta deal with the fallout and take her for ice cream. How do you know she didn’t have a giant cupcake after lunch? (Because a lot of times she does) Now she’s gettin’ a big ol’ ice cream too just because you asked.

This is an actual conversation I overheard between my mother and my 5 year old … “Isabella … do you want to take a family trip to France some time with Gran?”

Surprise! You know what her answer was? Yes!

I ain’t takin’ her to France!

Stop trying to work the system thru the kid! You know darn well ifyou ask me, we ain’t going to France.

Kids will say yes to just about anything you ask them … and you know what else they do when the reality police … aka Mommy and Daddy have to be the actual parents and say no to things? They cry and whine.

So now I gotta deal with the crying and the whining because you caused this whole mess in the first place.

Don’t talk to them. They’re kids … they don’t know nothin’. Talk to me. I’m in charge!

Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.