Month: September 2015

Water Bottles and the Pope

Dear Diary …

So … the Pope was in America last week. Now first of all, this Anger Diary has nothing to do with the Pope. Love me some Pope. Seems like a nice guy. And even if you’re not Catholic, you wanna at least hedge your bets, right? That way when you die and you get to those gates … you know … whatever religion happens to be the bouncer. “Oh yeah … you liked the Pope … OK you can get in the club!” So you certainly don’t wanna be bad-mouthing the Pope.

Here’s the thing I don’t understand … I see the Pope on TV and there’s this GIGANTIC crowd. And the news even says, “Hundreds of thousands gather hoping get a glimpse of the Pope.”

I’m sorry … You people are nuts. I’m not jamming into a space with 200,000 other people unless I’m getting a guarantee of something GOOD. “Hoping” to get a “glimpse?” … No thank you!

And what do you really expect to even see? Cuz the reality is, you ain’t at the front of this line unless you’re one of those weirdoes that camps out for a week for things like Black Friday and new iPhones. You know, the ones that don’t mind pooping in a bucket or having actual lives with jobs and responsibilities.

So you’re gonna be ALL the way in the back. So best case scenario … What are you even gonna see? The tippy top of his little Pope hat? That’s about it. I don’t even like going to the Salem Fair at busy times. I’m certainly not gonna jam myself into this gigantic field just for a “glimpse” of the Pope.

Oh by the way … guess what I saw? The Pope. Real big … and in HD. Right there on my TV. Clear view of the whole thing. Could even crank up the volume and hear his soft, beautiful voice loud and clear. At my house. In my underwear. That’s how you do it!

Glimpse. Glimpses are for suckas.

Moving on Diary …

So this past weekend I went away for a couple days with the wife and reminded me how much I hate water bottles. We stayed out in the wilderness, so you gotta bring bottled water with you. That’s fine. I enjoy bottled water … the actual water … all crisp and delicious. But what I’ve learned over the years is that women in particular do not keep track of their water bottles.

Same thing happened when I was at the beach this summer. Three couples in one house … and there are half drank water bottles all over the place.

And you know what? “Half drank” ain’t the right word. “One sipped” is more like it.

Somebody open a bottle … take one sip … and then put that one sipper down .. forget which one is theirs because there are 27 other one sippers laying around. And then just goes and opens another one.

“Can you go to the store and get more water bottles? We’re almost out”

Of course we’re almost out, we’ve got a case of one sippers laying all over this place!

And I even bought a Sharpie at the store! “Hey … here you go … you can write your name on your bottle so you don’t lo….” Oh forget it, they’re not listening.

And here’s the other thing I don’t understand … even though this is fresh, lovely, purified water … we treat the one sipper like all of a sudden it’s filled with bacteria-laden Mexican tap water or something. “Oh I don’t know WHO’S this is, I can’t drink THIS!”

Over the weekend … umm … it’s either mine or yours. Does it really matter? We’re married. We’ve had two kids. I know what a mucus plug is from birthing class. I think we can share a water!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

Why Bother?

Dear Diary …

Today I’d like to introduce a segment called “Why Bother?” This is for all the silly things that we do, that when you stop and think about it, are pointless. Why do we even bother?

Take car alarms for example. What is the point?

“Oh it’s to protect your car from thieves when they try to burgle you!”

Sure … in theory. But I heard a car alarm yesterday … and you know what I did? Nothing! Same thing everybody does when they hear a car alarm … NO-THING!

Actually we don’t do “nothing,” we all do the exact same thing, which is that we think to ourselves “would that person please shut their STUPID alarm off now? It is annoying me!”

That’s all we do. I mean … if they are bein’ burgled … that alarm ain’t helpin’ … so why do we even bother?

OK here’s another one to throw into the “Why Bother?” pile … Car inspections. Can’t we all just agree that we’re beyond this ridiculous sticker? I mean c’mon … the people that do ‘em don’t even wanna do ‘em. EVERY time I ask to get my car inspected, that face they make at the car place and with the eye rolling, it’s the same reaction I get when I ask one of my kids to pick up their toys. “Oh man … why do I have to do it?” Because you’ve got that little sticker with the “9” on it in the window. Look … I don’t wanna be here either. Just inspect the stupid thing so we can move on.

C’mon … we don’t need these things any more.

“Oh but they’re SO important for safety, and emissions, and blah blah blah”

Fine. Then make ‘em easier to get. Put a nerd with a clipboard at a drive-thru inspection place and slap the dang sticker on. 95% of the cars on the road need about two seconds from an eyeball test to pass. And for those of us … myself included … that drive a POS … you can check us out for a little bit longer. There … you happy?

Here’s another “Why Bother?” … Asking men for advice.

Why do women do this?

They ask men for advice, and then all they do is immediately go ask their Mom or best friend the exact same question, and then do whatever that person advises. So just eliminate the middle man … and I do mean the actual man … just boot us out of the way and go right to the source you’re actually going to listen to.

And ladies … It’s your own fault when you complain about stuff like how your man never offers his opinion and all he says is “I don’t know.” It’s because we know … you don’t care about our advice anyway. So skip it.

And finally Diary … Why do we bother with this whole fascination with “secret menus?”

You see posts like this all the time online … “Oh the McDonald’s secret menu has been REVEALED!” … and then for some reason we get all excited like we’ve found buried treasure or something because somebody tells you to “order a double cheeseburger, but then tell them to but a McChicken patty on there too! It’s called the McChickaBurger!”

OOOOOOHHHH!!!

Yeah … you know what? I can do that to where I just make up silly combinations of ingredients that they have on hand and then give it some goofy name. Hey … order french fries … and then tell them to put chocolate ice cream on them. It’s called McIce Cream Fries!

And I am aware … Dumb name. But the whole concept of the “secret menu” is dumb in the first place.

You do realize, that all your trying to do is add some sort of mystery and glamour to your annoying special orders you’re always trying to get people to do? You … most difficult fast food orderer of all time. That’s all this is.

And difficult special menu person … “They always mess up my order”

That’s because your order is dumb! Order what they have and either 1) Learn to like it, or 2) Pick off the ingredients “you don’t like.”

Or what about this for a crazy idea if you’re so specific about what you can and can’t eat … Make your own food. That way the only person you’re annoying is you.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Kids Don’t Listen and FaceTime Stinks

Dear Diary …

I would say that this is a message for all kids listening to pay attention to, because I’m going to give them some words of wisdom that they can really use. However, I’m not going to say that.

Why? Because kids don’t listen! Not that they don’t listen to this show … they do that, and I’m glad they do. But words of wisdom? Children don’t care about those!

They already know everything, Diary. And further … They think that we parents … we don’t know nothin’.

Like take my son … he’s three. The other day, he’s doing this thing where he’s in the living room and he’s declared that the back of the living room chair is “his slide” and he’s going to sort of fall/jump off of his makeshift creation of his. It’s a game he calls “The Slide,” that I like to call “Trip to the Emergency Room.”

And I tell him … “Lennon, please don’t do that. You are going to fall and could really hurt yourself.”

“No I won’t!”

That is a kid’s response to everything … “No I won’t!” Well yes I know you don’t PLAN on falling and breaking your arm, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen. I mean … I say “I’m gonna eat healthy,” and then I polish off a half a pound of bacon. And Monica Brooks says things like “I’m not gonna get pregnant,” but doesn’t seem to be doing anything about it.

Anyway … What do you think happens next? He falls. Of course he falls! Because jumping off the back of a chair is a recipe for disaster. So he falls on the floor jams his little wrist on the ground and now he’s crying to me “Daddy my arm!” Well of course your arm you dummy! You didn’t listen to me, and now your arm hurts.

And here’s the kicker with these kids … Five minutes later he stops crying and he’s climbing right back up onto the back of the chair to do “The Slide” again. What is wrong with you?

Exactly how hard do you have to hit your head in order to knock some sense into it? So what do you think happens next? He falls again. Of course he falls again! Slams his butt on the ground. I’m not even going to pretend to care this time. “Ahhhh … WHY???” You know darn well why!

Look kids … I know you’re not gonna listen to me, but I’m gonna say it anyway. We parents aren’t as stupid as you may think we are. Nope …they’re not listenin’. Nevermind … just play the Whip and the Nene and call it a day.

OK … moving on Diary …

FaceTime. Or Skype. Or whatever video chat thing it is that you use.

That was always one of those technology Holy Grails back in the day. “Oh man … can you imagine if we ever have the technology to have live video chat … face to face … in real time? That’ll just be the best thing ever!”

Yeah well it’s here … and it’s not. I hate FaceTime. Cuz the problem is … nobody knows how to use it right.

For me … is supposed to be like a quick conversation … Like my mother lives in Massachusetts … “Hey wanna see the grandkids .. yup … there they are … OK bye!” That’s what FaceTime should be.

She, however, disagrees. She treats it like a regular phone call. Even though it is most definitely NOT a regular phone call. First of all … she just FaceTime calls. No warning … no “Hey can we FaceTime some time today?” sort of text. Just … [[ring]] … FaceTiming youuuuu.

No … you cannot FaceTime unannounced! I gotta be seen on this thing. What if I look terrible? Like … when she called … and I looked terrible. I need prep time to sit in my makeup chair and look good for the stupid video call.

And second … when I finally did do this call .. She talked to my 6 year old daughter for 28 minutes. Who talks to a 6 year old for 28 minutes on anything … let alone FaceTime?

I’m sorry, but I cannot have a 28 minute face to face conversation with any human on this planet. Ever. I have a medical condition where I am physically unable to refrain from rolling my eyes at you when you’re annoying me. And every single person on earth is guaranteed to annoy me within a 28 minute span. It’s medical! It’s not in the Americans with Disabilities Act yet, but it will be some day darnit!

On a phone, I can just do it. And you don’t know, and we can continue. FaceTime? You gotta see it. That’s not good for anybody involved.

Stupid FaceTime. That’s one of things where when you don’t have it, you THINK you want it, but then when you actually get it, it was a really bad idea. Like a threesome. “Aw yeah .. that’ll be GREAT … two chicks at the same time!” Next thing you know your wife don’t like you anymore and she’s running off to live with her sexy bisexual friend that just “knows me so much better than you ever could.”

Hope it was worth it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Overhyped

Dear Diary …

It’s good to be excited about things … To look forward to stuff. It’s certainly better than just being some apathetic lump of “oh whatever” for everything you see and do. That said, we got a problem these days where we can’t just be excited about something … we gotta go overboard. We can’t just look forward to something … we have to lose our minds over it.

An example … McDonald’s breakfast. As you have probably heard, McDonald’s is going to start offering their breakfast menu all day. And I’m sure you’ve heard this, because we are covering this story like it’s one of the greatest achievements in the history of mankind. Everywhere you look … McDonald’s will start serving breakfast ALL DAY!!!! Countdown to October 6th when McDonald’s starts serving breakfast ALL DAY!!!!!!!

I mean, you would think the Pope was coming to all of our houses individually for a cookout where he will give us the secrets of life after death AND anoint us all into Sainthood, when in fact we’re just talking about the ability to get a McMuffin at 2 in the afternoon.

Now don’t get me wrong … McDonald’s breakfast is awesome, and I think it’s pretty cool that you’ll be able to get it all day. But our excitement level over this is just a wee bit too high. I mean let’s be realistic … how many times in a year (non drunk or hungover) are you actually gonna order McDonald’s breakfast outside of breakfast time? Once? Twice? Which again, it’s pretty cool that you can, but chill out about it.

We love to just go crazy over little things … like remember that “Dress” on the internet? It’s black! No, it’s blue! No, it’s black! AHHHHH!!!!!!!!

OK … moving on Diary … musical taste is very subjective. Some people love a song, while other people hate that very same song. It’s a personal thing, and that’s cool, but every now and then, songs come along that just make me mad. It’s not that I love or hate them, they anger me because of what the song says.

Like Andy Grammer’s “Honey I’m Good” … I mean one could totally argue that you don’t “like” that song because of the hookie dookie “Oh no honey I’m good … blah boo dingle dong bingle blah blah should.” But for me … it goes beyond that. The song makes me mad … cuz of the words.

So here we got a guy that’s all proud of himself cuz he DIDN’T sleep with the random girl in a bar, who I like to point out he’s been flirting with all night while his girlfriend isn’t there. Where is she? Anyway, he says no to this girl and he’s all proud of himself, but goes on to say “cuz if I stay I might not leave alone.”

“Oh look at ME … I’m a good boyfriend … cuz I stayed faithful to YOU, honey! Granted, if I stayed for one more drink, I totally would’ve slept with that random girl I was inappropriately flirting with while you were home alone. Lucky you!” What a lousy boyfriend!

Also … who “bids somebody adieu” in a bar? What is that?

If I’m that random chick and he’s says “well I bid you adieu,” personally I’m relieved that I avoided hooking up with this dorkpile of a cheating loser.

Honey I’m good. No you’re not. You stink!

Look I know it’s just music and it’s not responsible for healing all the problems of the world, but sometimes the words are just so annoying. Like that song by Pitbull and Ne-Yo songs “Time of Our Lives.” He knows his rent is going to be late, and he doesn’t even have enough to pay it. So what does he do? Go to a club and waste all the money that he has. How is that responsible? see … this is why your rent was late in the first place because you don’t financially plan properly.

And don’t even get me started on this Jeremih and his “Don’t Tell ‘Em” song. Look … you and your secrets and your lies and your “Shhh … Don’t tell ’em.” As a father of a daughter, I very much don’t appreciate this line of singing there Jeremih!

Hey for as dumb as that song is … that whip and the ne-ne … at least it ain’t telling you to get evicted or cheat on your man and keep secrets. A little stanky leg never killed nobody!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.