The Jerk Fruit

Dear Diary …

I am here to say that enough is enough. We have been tormented for far to long by the Jerk Fruit. And no, I’m not talking about the “jackfruit” … that wacky fruit that vegetarians try to trick themselves into thinking tastes like meat. Not that. I mean “Jerk Fruit.”

Now … the Jerk Fruit isn’t actually one specific fruit, it can be many different fruits. It’s simply the fruit that ruins everything.

Let me explain …

You know when you buy a big beautiful container of strawberries, and you inspect the entire thing to make sure it is fresh and delicious, and then you get home and the VERY next day there’s one moldy strawberry sitting in there that’s ruined the entire container? That my friends … is the Jerk Fruit.

Where the heck does that thing come from?

I’m telling you Diary … I thoroughly inspect my fruit. And if you think that sounds pathetic … you would be correct! But I do it for all these different fruits … strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, those big bags of Cuties … I inspect them all. They all look fine when I buy them. And yet … ONE day later the Jerk Fruit has somehow wielded his ugly stupid head and ruined 75% of the container.

You stink Jerk Fruit! I mean … that’s really all I have to say … because as best I can tell this is an impossible to fix situation. I’m just destined to be at the mercy of the evil Jerk Fruit for the rest of my life. So …

Moving on Diary … Please answer me this question … will my children EVER learn to stop yanking on the handle of the car door before I have time to unlock it for them?

(And yes … I am aware that the answer is “no … they will never learn,” but I ask anyway.)

Why are they so brain damaged? These are not dumb children. And yet, every single time we head out to the car they’re over there yanking on the door handle over and over. Yeah … because even though it is clearly locked, let’s just go ahead and keep pulling on the thing. It’s SURE to open on try #5!

I told you not to pull on it.

“I forgot!”

You forget every single time!!

Diary … my children can memorize what every single block and potion mean on a dumb video game like Minecraft, but God forbid they remember something like saying “please” when they want you to go get them something to eat.

Quit yanking on my door handle! And quit making me have to sound like a stereotypical old dork Dad who yells at kids about yanking on door handles. I don’t wanna be that guy … and you are making me be that guy!

Door handles cost money you know! (Oh great … see??? … now you got me talking like that guy again!!) [[Sigh]]

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

A Lesson In Kid Economics

Dear Diary …

Today we need to explore a simple lesson in economics, because you might think you know how this supposed to work, but you probably don’t. So here’s the question for your economics quiz …

If you purchase something with your money … who owns it?

And if your answer is … “Well that’s easy … I own it.” Yeah … you’re WRONG!

Oh … I should mention this isn’t just a regular economics lesson … this is a “Kid Economics” lesson. Because when you purchase something with your hands and your money, it actually belongs to THEM. Not you. Not the one who actually worked for that money. Not the one who actually went and purchased the product. You are nothing. You are just the middleman to their stuff.

Not only that, but you are to not even DARE touch said item that you purchased, because your filthy peasant hands are not invited.

This is the economics scenario I face when I take my kids to the movies (which I of course pay for). And naturally, when we get to the movies they also wanna have popcorn and soda and whatever (which I, again, of course pay for).

So I buy all this stuff (because I’m an idiot), and what happens when I try to eat some of the popcorn? “No! You can’t have that … that’s MINE!”

Yup … I bring them there, I buy the tickets, and I buy the popcorn, but I’m not allowed to have any of it. And welcome to your lesson in Kid Economics!

I mean … what a bunch of little tyrants. And my son … he’s the worst. Because … to be clear … I don’t listen. I paid for this popcorn and I’m gonna eat some of it too! But he throws out these lies like … “OK … stop … nobody’s going to eat any more popcorn until the movie starts.”

And then two seconds later I hear his loud little mouth smacking on some kernels. I thought we were on a break you liar!!! But if I try to get more popcorn we’re back to this “no popcorn until the movie starts” thing.

Which by the way … let me just add that I don’t mind watching a couple previews before the movie starts, but the last time I went it was 25 MINUTES of previews. I mean good Lord, I think I saw a preview for every single movie coming out in the next calendar year. Geez!

OK … moving on Diary … since I’m already in a full on parenting rant, can you help me understand how it is that despite the fact that my kids are half the size as normal adults, they manage to clog the toilets in the house twice as often?

What the heck is wrong with their evil little bodies? And of course you add in their flagrant abuse of toilet paper and you have a nightmare scenario that keeps plumbers and plunger factories flush with brand new business. (Ahhh … “flush” … I didn’t even mean to do that. Ugh.)

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Spoiling Live Sports

Dear Diary …

Let me start the new year by turning over a new leaf. I will start by APOLOGIZING for something. That’s right. I’ll admit that I was in the wrong. Well … sort of in the wrong.

Actually … you know what? No! It ain’t my fault and I ain’t apologizing for it!

Welp … so much for that whole “new leaf” thing. But hey, my resolution probably lasted longer than some of the people stuck with fancy new exercise equipment (but more on that in a minute).

First … let’s get to that fact that I’m sorry, but I do not apologize … Wait … see? That’s sort of an apology.

Anyway … I am not sorry if I spoil live sports results for you.

And yes … I am aware that this is slightly hypocritical because I hate when people ruin the endings of movies and TV shows for me, but I believe that those things are different. Those are movies and TV shows, so they are stories and experiences that aren’t happening in real time. They’re always available, and you get to watch them on your own schedule.

Sports on the other hand? That stuff is happening live and in real time. And yes, you CAN set a DVR or whatever and watch it later, but it just seems to dopey to me at that point to sit there and pretend like the rest of the world doesn’t already know what’s happened and you could have the result of the game in front of you in two seconds.

So … when you’re my friend and I didn’t realize you watch your sports on delay, and I accidentally tell you that the Hokies lost their Bowl game. Oh well. (Oh … sorry … SPOLIER ALERT even though this was like two weeks ago. Do I still have to say that? I don’t know.)

Do I feel bad? Yeah … kinda. But it ain’t my fault! It’s THEIR fault! This is the risk they have to take if their gonna be all weird and watch live sports on delay. I mean … ain’t nobody saying, “No no no no … don’t tell me what’s on the news … I’m recording it to watch LATER!” Sorry … this is the same thing. (See! Look … that’s an apology too, right? No? OK.)

OK … moving on Diary … back to that whole “wasting money on expensive exercise stuff” that I mentioned before.

As anybody with a pair of eyes and half a sense of awareness can see … this is January and every other ad being shoved in your face is for some kind of gym, diet plan, or exercise equipment. One such piece of equipment is this super expensive and fancy Peloton workout bike.

You know the one I’m talking about … the one with all the commercials where this super fancy bike sits in the most beautiful place in the fanciest house. Windows everywhere … penthouse apartments in big cities … beautiful scenery. Meanwhile a person who’s already in really awesome shape is busy riding the thing and acting all, “Woo! Gettin’ my first workout of my life in!”

Hey … look … I’m all for being healthy and if you wanna buy this super fancy bike … fine. But let’s just be realistic about these ads here for a second … you’re beautiful Peloton bike ain’t gonna be in some million dollar house surrounded by windows and mountains and snowflakes. It’s gonna be in your basement, next to the washing machine, and surrounded by all those old baby toys your kids don’t play with anymore.

It’s gonna sorta smell like cat pee down in there, and it’s gonna have sucky lighting and clouds of dust ploofin’ up into your throat while you’re sucking wind on your fancy expensive Peloton bike. And the whole scenario just stinks.

Now don’t get me wrong … I really do hope that despite all that, you’re gonna be over there crushing your workouts every night in the dark. Or maybe you’ll have a really expensive clothes drying rack in March. That’s on you. But at least come in with a realistic picture of what this is all going to look like.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.