Dear Diary …
I am here to say that enough is enough. We have been tormented for far to long by the Jerk Fruit. And no, I’m not talking about the “jackfruit” … that wacky fruit that vegetarians try to trick themselves into thinking tastes like meat. Not that. I mean “Jerk Fruit.”
Now … the Jerk Fruit isn’t actually one specific fruit, it can be many different fruits. It’s simply the fruit that ruins everything.
Let me explain …
You know when you buy a big beautiful container of strawberries, and you inspect the entire thing to make sure it is fresh and delicious, and then you get home and the VERY next day there’s one moldy strawberry sitting in there that’s ruined the entire container? That my friends … is the Jerk Fruit.
Where the heck does that thing come from?
I’m telling you Diary … I thoroughly inspect my fruit. And if you think that sounds pathetic … you would be correct! But I do it for all these different fruits … strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, those big bags of Cuties … I inspect them all. They all look fine when I buy them. And yet … ONE day later the Jerk Fruit has somehow wielded his ugly stupid head and ruined 75% of the container.
You stink Jerk Fruit! I mean … that’s really all I have to say … because as best I can tell this is an impossible to fix situation. I’m just destined to be at the mercy of the evil Jerk Fruit for the rest of my life. So …
Moving on Diary … Please answer me this question … will my children EVER learn to stop yanking on the handle of the car door before I have time to unlock it for them?
(And yes … I am aware that the answer is “no … they will never learn,” but I ask anyway.)
Why are they so brain damaged? These are not dumb children. And yet, every single time we head out to the car they’re over there yanking on the door handle over and over. Yeah … because even though it is clearly locked, let’s just go ahead and keep pulling on the thing. It’s SURE to open on try #5!
I told you not to pull on it.
You forget every single time!!
Diary … my children can memorize what every single block and potion mean on a dumb video game like Minecraft, but God forbid they remember something like saying “please” when they want you to go get them something to eat.
Quit yanking on my door handle! And quit making me have to sound like a stereotypical old dork Dad who yells at kids about yanking on door handles. I don’t wanna be that guy … and you are making me be that guy!
Door handles cost money you know! (Oh great … see??? … now you got me talking like that guy again!!) [[Sigh]]
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye