Do Your Homework

Dear Diary …

I’m down with Freedom of Speech. And I don’t mean, “Down with Freedom of Speech!” I’m good. Fine. Freedom of Speech … yay. Of course I am. It’s what makes this country great. You’re allowed to say pretty much whatever is on your mind. That said … we definitely don’t have “Freedom of Consequences,” so if you say something stupid, well then you gotta deal with the fallout from it.

So initially I was gonna come in here today and say that we needed to ban a certain phrase and not allow people to use it anymore, but then I would just be squashing Freedom of Speech and that would be wrong. So instead, I would just like to encourage all of us to punish the heck out of anyone that dares use this phrase anymore. Shun them, mock them, publicly embarrass them. Whatever it takes to get them to never say “Do your homework” ever again.

Now to clarify … if you are a parent and you are telling your kid, “Hey … do your homework,” that’s perfectly acceptable and forever allowed. This is for annoying know-it-alls on social media that like to chime in on your posts to correct one TINY little factoid or tidbit to try to make themselves look like the smartest person in the room.

[Jerky tone] “Do your homework”

And I don’t even have to hear them in real life to know that is exactly how it sounds when it comes out of their mouth.

Ugh … my God … these people drive me crazy.

Look … I’m in a job where we talk about stuff. All stuff. Life, relationships, parenting, health, politics … whatever. I am a normal human talking to other normal humans and it is absolutely impossible for me to be an expert on every single topic, and what I don’t need is you chiming in with, “One thing you said wasn’t 100% correct … do your homework.”

Well well well … looks like somebody used Wikipedia. Congratulations to you Smarty Pants!

And furthermore … I don’t wanna do homework. I’m a grown-up now. I already went to school. And you know what? Homework stunk! I didn’t wanna do it then, and I sure as heck don’t wanna do it now when I’m not getting graded on it!

“Do your homework.”

Be quiet, nerd! You do it!

Moving on Diary … since we’re talking about things like school and homework, can I just go ahead and flip the deuces to the world of colleges and universities? Because you’re warped sense of logic about how money works is insane.

I went to a school in upstate NY called Ithaca College, and every single month I get something from them in the mail asking me to make a donation to the school so I can “help a student learn to blah blah blah” or whatever.

Let me point something out … It currently costs $42,000 a year for Little Johnny to go to school there and they have 6,000 students. So this place is currently making $252 million a YEAR, and yet I’m supposed to donate money to them? For what? A yacht to film rap videos on?

Now I know not every kid is paying full price … but you get my point … the school ain’t starvin’ to death or anything. Not mention the fact that Little Johnny gets to deal with crushing student loan debt for God knows how many years of his life. If anything, I should be donating directly to HIM. He’s the one who needs the money.

This is like your boss saying … yeah … um … thanks for working here. Instead of paying you, we’d like you to make a donation to US so we can make more money. No!

This system is messed up and should be completely smashed on the ground and destroyed so we can start over with more reasonable costs for all of this.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

I Got No Flow

Dear Diary …

I have no flow. None!

And no … I don’t mean that I can’t rap. Actually, for a honkey, I can drop some bars. And yes I realize that makes me sound even more like a honkey when I say that, but make no mistake … I can wax the mic, I can spit rhymes, and I can let the beat drop.

Consider it a GIFT if you are in my presence on the times I crush the “Humpty Dance” at karaoke. Because quite simply “when the dude a chump pump points a finger like a stump,” I will tell him, “step off, I’m doin’ the Hump.”

Anyway … It’s not that. I go no flow whatsoever when it comes to being productive in my house. ZEEEEE-RO.

When I’m at work … I can get in a pretty good flow. Buckle down … focus … hammer stuff out. But whenever I try to get anything done at home, it’s an endless sea of interruptions …

“Can I have some Goldfish?”

[[[BARK]]] I’m a dog … let me out

[[[BARK]]] I’m a dog … let me in

[[[Burmp Burmp]]] Text message

“Can I have milk now?”

I’m serious … It’s like this every single day. All my work is done in roughly three minute bursts between interruptions. There is no flow at all!

I don’t know how the heck people who work from home manage to get anything done. They must just treat their home office like a panic room. Lock the door, and pretend the entire world doesn’t exist.

Oh and side note … I’m sitting at my house trying to right this right now and OH MY GOD SOME KID JUST STARTED PLAYING THE PIANO. FOR THE LOVE!!!!!!

OK … moving on Diary …

What does the word “urgent” mean to you? Something that’s REALLY important, right?

The dictionary says it’s something that’s “critical” and requires “immediate action and attention.”

I say these things because too many of you are abusing this word. I receive far too many emails on a daily basis marked URGENT that clearly are not. Look … I understand that you think YOU are important, but that doesn’t mean everybody else on earth has to spring into action the minute Karen puts some capital letters in her email subject line. We get it Karen … YOU want something right away, but that doesn’t make it URGENT.

And who are these pretentious and demanding people that send those little popups with their emails that force to acknowledge, “Yes … I have opened and read this?” What a jerk move! Who the heck do you think you are to be throwing around such demands? If I wanna read your email, I’ll read your email, but you aren’t automatically entitled to knowing exactly when it was that I open thing, Karen!

Geez … and people think I’M demanding. I’ve never sent anything like that. (I just silently threaten the very air that you breathe if you don’t do what I say. Wait …what?)

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye