You Aren’t Useful

Dear Diary …

There are many things that start with good intentions, and seem like a good idea at the time, but in reality they are just plain stupid. Problem is, nobody actually stands up and points it out, so these dumb things are allowed to exist. And not only do they exist, but they sit there acting like they’re all useful or something … “Look at me, I’m helpful.”

Well guess what? You’re not!

For example … electrical outlets that are connected to light switches are stupid. And they make you think they’re all useful … “Oh hey … I’m an electrical outlet connected to a plug, now you can plug a lamp into me and the switch will turn the light on and off. I’m useful!”

No you aren’t. Because the reality is, these outlets very rarely have a lamp plugged in to them. Instead, they’re just an outlet that dupes you into thinking you’re charging your phone or whatever, only to find out an hour later … “Oh wait … how come this isn’t charging?”

And on the rare chance that there’s actually a lamp plugged in to this outlet … the same thing happens every time … you go to turn on the lamp by the switch ON the lamp, only to look like an idiot when nothing happens. See? We don’t need the switch on the wall to turn this lamp on and off because THE LAMP COMES WITH IT’S OWN ON AND OFF SWITCH!!! Useless!

Or what about an electric lawn mower?

“Oooh … look at me … I’m a lawn mower you can plug in so you don’t have to use gas. I’m useful!”

No you aren’t. You’re pathetic! And not only are you pathetic, have you ever seen a poor idiot try to use an electric lawn mower? They look absolutely ridiculous … dragging an extension cord around like a doofus … basically broadcasting to the world, “Hey … look at me! I was too cheap to buy a real lawn mower, and now I gotta drag my cord of shame with me everywhere I go!”

And what about heated seats in your car?

“Oooh … look at me … I’m a heated seat. I make you all warm and toasty on cold days. I’m useful!”

No … you aren’t either. Sure … you warm up the seat for like a second, but then you immediately go from cold to flamin’ butt hot in about two seconds. There’s no middle ground with you! And since it’s cold out, we’re already wearing extra layers of clothes and jackets, so now we’re over here dying.

And really, in the time it takes for the car warmer to warm up, the natural heat of most people’s butts is probably warming up the seat anyway without taking it to flamin’ butt hot. So thanks for nothing seat warmer!

Useless … the whole lot of ya!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Weenie Parent

Dear Diary …

Here we go again … It’s that time of year where we start tossing around the dreaded “RESOLUTIONS.” Oh boy.

I mean look … it’s great to have goals … but why do we always have to packet it into this dorkified way right at the beginning of January? New year … new you! Yeah whatever … remember New Year’s Day last year? Yeah … that’s still you. You might be a “little improved,” but you ain’t new. Cuz you’re … well … you! Ain’t no Pinterest page full of meal prep ideas gonna REALLY change you.

And I’m gonna be perfectly honest … first week of January … I ain’t inspired to do nothing. I mean MAYBE I can get together enough motivation to put the dang Christmas tree away, but so don’t wanna. Don’t wanna go to work. Don’t wanna go to the gym. Don’t wanna!

But you know what? This ain’t helping. So let me at least try to help because I have a suggestion for a REAL resolution that you SHOULD be able to keep, and will totally help all of us.

Here it is … Resolve to stop being a “weenie parent.” What’s a weenie parent? That’s a parent who tries to shelter their kid from the entire universe, and then freaks out the second their precious little snowflake could even remotely be exposed to something that they’ve deemed as “bad.”

Working in this business where we play popular music and I’m … well … a sarcastic little poopstain with an Anger Diary, I gotta deal with the weenie parent a lot.

“I can’t believe you said the word $%&@!” (and put whatever word you want in there … it doesn’t really matter cuz every weenie parent’s gonna complain about a different one.)

“My 10 year old was in the car and heard it! How could you!!!!”

OK … first of all … I got a 10 year old too. And they heard it too. And you don’t hear me freaking out about the plight of America and how our children are “doomed to such smut!”

“But how do I explain it to them????”

Here’s a crazy idea … just explain it to them.

I let my kids watch “Stranger Things.” And guess what? There’s some colorful language on that show.

So I say … and you can write this down if you want … because it’s pretty groundbreaking …

I say … Kids … Those are bad words. Don’t say ‘em.

That’s it. Pencils down.

And here’s the crazy thing … they don’t use ‘em! I know! AMAZING!!!!

“But it’s bad for them!”

Yeah? So is putting their hand on a hot stove. So what do you do? Tell them not to touch it and they don’t! “Parenting” isn’t the act of hiding your kids from everything … it’s the act of teaching them how to act when dealing with the world.

So quit being a weenie parent that tries to keep your kids in some sort of precious bubble. Cuz guess what? The world is a dirty place … and if you don’t teach them how to deal with that … they’re gonna get eaten alive and it’s your fault.

Why do you think so many grown kids still live at home? It ain’t because of student loans, or the job market, or the cost of rent … It’s because weenie parents didn’t prep ‘em for the real world. You want you kid to be the next one yellin’ “MAAAAA!!! THE MEATLOAF!!!?” No? Well then you better cut it out.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.