Month: January 2021

Dear Diary … 

I don’t know why some people talk.  Every time they open their mouth … ppppppbbbbbt … trash just falls out of there.  And I blame dumb phrases that we’ve allowed to become acceptable even though they make you sound like a fool when you say them.  Like “no regrets” … that’s one I hear all the time when I watch the cooking competition show “Chopped.”

So a chef will make a dish … and then they’ll screw something up and they get chopped.  And as they’re leaving in their exit interview they always say … “Oh I mean I stand by my dish.  I have no regrets.  If I could do it again, I wouldn’t change anything.”

Really?  Cuz you know what I would change?  THE THING THAT GOT ME CHOPPED!!!

“Hey Zack … do you have any regrets?”

Why yes … doing the thing that made me lose!!!

Why do we act like it’s bad to have regrets?  Like we’re just supposed to be OK with our dumb decisions and then just pat ourselves on the back and say, “It’s OK buddy … you know that bad judgement you had right there?  Don’t do anything about it! Stay exactly the way you are and keep screwin’ up your whole life!”

Guess what Diary … I have regrets.  Like today … and every day.  I’m doubting my decision to even talk about this in the first place because maybe I could’ve come up with something better!  Regrets are what force you to improve next time … so have em … it’s a good thing!

Here’s another one that makes you sound dumb … “With all due respect.”

And here’s why … every single time you say “with all due respect” you’re about to tell someone something you don’t like about them and probably have no respect for them because you don’t like it.

I mean if I say … “With all due respect … you’re an idiot.”

What respect was that idiot due in the first place?

I’ll tell you the only reason to say “with all due respect” is to trick that person into thinking you respect them at all right before you drop the hammer on their face and insult them.

OK … you know what … I take that one back … I like “With all due respect” … but only when I use it on you.  If you use it on ME, well we gonna throw down then cuz them’s fightin’ words.  

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye  

Dear Diary …

Parents. This one’s for you. And not just any parents … parents of little kids.
“New parents” if you wanna call them that … but really not just for little babies … this one probably goes up to at least five or six years old.
And here’s my message to those parents … nobody cares about your kid. I mean … YOU care about your kid, and it’s not like the rest of us HATE your kid, we just don’t care.

And what I mean by this is that while we might care about their overall well-being, we don’t really care about their doofy little day-to-day milestones. I saw an article recently that said 80% of parents of young children were … quote … “heartbroken” that other people had “missed out” on the milestones of their kids’ lives.

Things like … learning to roll over … saying their first word … learning to count to ten … awwww … that’s sooooooo cute.

Well parents … I have great news … there’s no need to be “heartbroken” about it, because the rest of us didn’t really care about those boring things anyway. And I get it, you THINK we care, but that’s because you’re just wrapped up in your own little world of your “wittle babies and all the amazing things they can do.”

I get it. I was there. I thought the same thing you did … that other people actually wanted to hear about the boring things your kids are doing.
“Oh Little Isabella pulled herself up for the very first time” … BORING!
“But it’s not boring … it’s the important milestones that you will cherish forever!”

Really? Well let me tell you what my kids’ first words were …
Actually … um … if any of you happen to remember what they were I’m gonna need you to let me know cuz … I have no clue. Can’t remember at all. So clearly it ain’t that big a deal to anybody else if their parents can’t even remember.

You’ve gotta look at it this way … if other people in your life have already had kids and they’re older than your kids … we’ve already been thru all your boring little milestones and moved on.

And if the people in your life DON’T have kids … well then they DEFINITELY don’t care about any of this, because they have no clue what it’s like anyway. You might as well be telling your auto mechanic about your son’s first time he pooped in the potty, because he may actually care MORE than a no-kid haver.

And look … don’t get mad about any of this. It’s actually good news. Now you don’t have to feel “heartbroken” or any kind of pressure to share this stuff with the rest of us, cuz we are doing just fine without it. You’re welcome!

Till next time Diary …. I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary … 

OK I get it … we’re in that doofy time of year where we all act like we’re gonna be better people.  

“Oh I’m gonna exercise more and drink less and call my grandma and blah blah blah.”

If you were here right now talking like that and I was actually allowed to get closer than six feet to another human, I’d give you a little pat on the head and tell you “Good job buddy, you’re trying so hard!”  Reality is … if success ain’t your mindset ALL the time, then it ain’t gonna matter anyway.  

As if January is some sort of magical month where all dreams come true.  January sucks!  It’s cold, ain’t nothing going on, and all you have to look forward to is … ugh … February.

But you know what?  If you do wanna be a better version of you … OK great.  But let’s not start by trying to tackle the biggest of the big.  When a 10 year old says he wants to grow up and play in the NBA, he doesn’t immediately try to dunk on LeBron James.  Cuz he’s gonna get his face mashed in!

So let’s start small … let’s start with little things we can do right away that are easy to change and make the world a better place.  Like … stop backing into parking spaces for no reason.

Yeah … you know who you are.  Mr. “Hey … Look at ME!!!! I’m backing into a parking space!!!!”

Nobody else around and no real reason to do it.  And yet … you do it.  You think you look cool to the rest of us or something?  Like ladies get a special quiver in their bones thinking, “Damn that guy backed into that space.  Sorry husband … there’s a new sheriff in town!”

I’m sorry, but unless you’re positioning to get yourself quickly out of a parking lot after a Taylor Swift concert or a child’s Christmas pageant or you’re robbing a bank and looking for a quick getaway, there is NO other reason to back into a parking space.  Because really all you’re doing is throwing off the equilibrium of the dang parking lot.  Now we got car heads and car butts all over the place … trunks bumpin’ up against each other … not to mention the fact that now your driver’s side door is bumped right up against mine.  Get out my personal space!  If 2020 taught us anything, it’s that you don’t belong there!

So look … there you go … you’re already a less horrible human by making one TINY little change.  Good for you, champ!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.