Month: August 2021

Dear Diary …

“Remind me” … I hate that phrase.

And time somebody says “oh remind me to” … it doesn’t matter what “to” is anymore … I’m instantly furious with them.

Because what this person has managed to successfully do is eliminate any kind of responsibility or accountability on their end. Now … when they “forget” … they can simply say “Well I asked you to remind me!”

So here’s my question … who reminds ME to remind you? Why am I somehow the rememberer of all things, and yet you can blissfully wander thru life and do nothing until somebody “reminds” you?

I mean … if only we all had some sort of device. One that was small enough to fit in our hand … and it was sort of like a phone … but it also had way more features than a regular phone. Like we could call it a “smartphone” and it could have a way of reminding us of things when we needed to be reminded of them.

Oh wait … we have that? Well I’ll be darned!

So yeah … this is me saying … I ain’t your Siri … have her to do it for you!

Same goes for anybody who says … and this is a popular one at work … “well just let me know what you need and I’m happy to help.”

Let me translate to you what that actually means … It means, “I’m going to sit here and do nothing until you ask me to do something. Then I’ll do it so it looks like I’m a good worker and stuff, but as soon as it’s done I will go back to doing nothing again.”

You want me to let you know what I need? I need you to … on your own … figure out what needs to be done … and then you just … oh I don’t know … DO IT! No waiting around for me to tell you, no acting like you’re too dumb to figure it out on your own. Just … DO!

Kids in particular have perfected this one too, but they will do absolutely nothing unless you remind them Then … when you remind them … they reply, “I know!” in the snootiest and most attitude filled way.

“I was going to do it!”

No you weren’t ya liar! You were gonna wait for me to say something, then make me feel like a idiot for even asking in the first place. (And yes I’m jealous that they’ve figured it out.)

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

Lately I‘ve been trying to do some new things … and many of them have been “outdoor things” … camping … hiking … stuff like that. And in theory, it’s all great.

“Yay … nature! It’s all, like, nature-y and stuff.”

But I have one big question … and it specifically deals with hiking. And that question is … why is hiking trying to kill us?

I mean … call me crazy, but I would think having hikers die would be bad for business, wouldn’t it? Tough to sell fancy hiking boots if they come with the slogan, “You might die” written on the side of the box.

And you may be thinking to yourself … that’s not their plan … they want everybody to be safe and have fun and be hugging trees and stuff, but I tell you this … every hike I’ve ever been on has had just a whiff of “Good luck … don’t die!”

And the reason I say this is because every single time I go traipsing down the ol’ hiking trail, there is a eventually a fork in the road, and the sign says … um … sign … where is the sign? I tell you where the sign is … NOWHERE!!!

SOMETIMES there’s a sign. A lot of times there’s a sign. But at least once on the hike … ain’t no sign.

Two trails. Both looking equally cleared yet not cleared and safe yet dangerous. So which way do you go? Because it’s not like you can just say “oh we wanna go left,” because most trails wind to the left … right … up … then down a little … then what feels like backwards … and then back around to the left again. Ain’t no magic compass gonna help you with that.

And good luck checking a trail map on your phone because … ain’t no signal. And even the little maps at the beginning of the trail … they just have a bunch of little dots and dashes that may be actual measurements, or may just be the approximate scribblings of an 11 year old they let draw the picture back in 1962 when the sign was made.

Oh and just remember … watch out for bears!

So you tell me … that sound like somebody that wants you to live or die? Cuz I have my suspicions!

Now I have no doubt that for the MOST part they want you to live and have all this nature fun, but it’s almost like they enjoy screwing with you just a TINY bit to teach them city folk a lesson about what it means to walk in the woods with your fancy backpacks and your walkin’ sticks.

And their difficulty classifications are equally as vague. If a trail says “moderately strenuous,” what does that even mean? Moderately strenuous for me? My grandma? Bear Grylls? Those are all VERY different answers.

You know who never steers me wrong? The couch! Doesn’t steer me anywhere. Just lays there all nice and soft and comfortable with the TV right in front of it. Plenty of hiking videos on YouTube … just sayin’

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.