Month: July 2022

How to Tell If You’re a Bad Person

The Bad Person Test

Dear Diary …

It’s good to be able to know if somebody is a good person or a bad person. I mean … we wanna know that, right? We wanna know who’s gonna look out for us, and we DEFINITELY wanna know who’s going to try to screw us over when we least expect it. And the problem is, you can’t just ask somebody, “Hey are you a bad person?”

Because NOBODY thinks they’re a bad person. Even the bad people. It’s just like how nobody thinks they’re the one who drives slowly in the left hand lane, or they’re the one who causes drama on Facebook, or whatever else. It’s always somebody else. Never them.

So because of this … we need little secret tests. And these tests will help show you who’s a good person, and who’s a bad person.

Here’s one you can do the next time you’re in your car … you’re in a left hand turn lane … and the light turns green. Start watching the cars in front of you. Specifically … start watching the space in between each car as they head thru the intersection.

If you see someone who is right behind the car in front of them … that’s a good person. They are moving thru the intersection with some hustle, because they want as many cars behind them as possible to also make it thru the light. But when you see a decent sized gap between two cars? BAD PERSON! TERRIBLE PERSON!

This person doesn’t care about anyone or anything. They just care about themselves. As long as THEY make it thru the light, they don’t care one bit about the cars behind them. As far as they’re concerned, the whole line of cars could just catch fire, explode and die. THEY made it thru the light … sorry losers!

Sam goes for when the light is green and you are simply just drivin’ along … normal humans drive with a purpose. You go the speed limit … you maybe go a LITTLE bit more than the speed limit. That’s because you’re a good person.

Bad people just … slowwwwly tool along the intersection. Bunk-a-dunk-a-dunk. “Oh look … that light is now turning yellow. Better slowwwwwwly coast thru and be the last car.”

Bad person!

You know how they say, “Not all heroes wear capes?” Yeah, well “Not all monsters have big fangs or look like Frankenstein.” Sometimes they’re just in the Kia Sorrento in front of you not caring whether you live or die.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Big Wakeup Call

Dear Diary …

Hey everyone!!! How’s it going? Remember me … your old friend Zack Jackson? Yup I’m still here … and still angry … but I’m also learning so much about the world.

Did you know that people are actually awake at two o’clock in the afternoon? And awake in a way where they don’t feel like their face is melting off because they haven’t been awake since 3:30 in the morning? Amazing!

And you know what? Let’s just get this whole thing out in the open because I have BREAKING NEWS! Yup … hit the breaking news sound effect [[breaking news sound effect]]]

I … Zack Jackson … woke up at 6:30 this morning.

And I’ll be honest … I have no idea why this is breaking news, but it is, because it’s the question EVERY … SINGLE … HUMAN asks me when I see them.

“Hey … Zack … great to see you! What time did you get up this morning?”

Never in my life have I asked about another person’s bedtime or wake-up. Ok … I take that back … never in my life have I asked it about a person over the age of four. When there’s babies involved, that’s pretty much all you ever talk about …

“Well we put him down at 7, and then it takes 13 minutes with his ba-ba and then another 11 of rocking him, and then he’ll sleep for 3 hours and 14 minutes, and then he’s up for 42, then back down.”

But again … he’s one. Also … that topic is really boring.

Actually … can we all just be really honest with each other for a second? People with really little kids are the worst people on Earth to talk to.

Don’t get me wrong … they’re not bad people at all … they probably used to be fun. And there’s a decent chance they’ll be fun again some day. But right now? Man they suuuuuuck.

All they ever talk about is naptime, dirty diapers, and Cocomelon. Bo-RING! This is why they always hang out in Mom groups and play dates and stuff … because ain’t nobody else on earth that wants to listen to these things.

And let me be clear … I an FULLY aware that when I had kids that age, I also sucked. Good Lord, I think back to some of the things I would say and do, and even I hate myself.

But look at me now … all awesome again!

And to recap … so I can hopefully never have this conversation again …

Yes … I wake up at 6:30 now.

And no … your body doesn’t “get used to” waking up at 3:30 in the morning. I dunno … does your body “get used to” if somebody kicks you in the privates every morning? I bet it doesn’t! So no … I don’t just magically wake up at that God Awful time just for the heck of it.

So now we gotta find a new topic for small talk people … Cuz Uncle Zack’s bedtime is now off the table.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.