Bad Bedroom

The Bad Bedroom

Dear Diary …

Clearly there are some rules in this world that I don’t know about. They aren’t published in any law or rule book, they don’t necessarily make any kind of practical sense, and they aren’t even discussed. And yet … they are there.

For example … There simply MUST be an unwritten rule that all vacation houses that are available for rent are required by unspoken law that one bedroom within the home MUST be terrible.

Every single vacation home I have ever looked at is the same. If there are 4 bedrooms, three of them are decent, and then the 4th one is the one nobody wants. Just booked a place … first bedroom … king bed master suite … great. Next two bedrooms … queen beds … fine. Bedroom number 4? One twin bed. WHY????

I’m convinced the most popular TV show in heaven is a reality show called “Bad Bedroom.” It’s produced by … well … God. And everybody in heaven gathers round to watch “Bad Bedroom” where living couples down on Earth try to figure out who gets stuck with the lousy bedroom in the vacation home. There’s no other reasonable explanation … it HAS to be that!!

It’s as if it’s human nature to just ruin things even though you don’t have to. Like the fact that way too many people try to cheat when they are having hypothetical conversations. Not even real … and yet here we are … trying to destroy the whole conversation.

And what I’m talking about are the people who refuse to play along when you are playing fake games like … “You come across a genie who will grant you one wish. What do you wish for?”

And since we already know people are cheaters, you have to first say “and you’re not allowed to wish for an unlimited number of wishes.” And even when you say that, this weasel will say, “OK well then I wish for the genie to show up each day for a new wish.” NO! You can’t do that!!

Why is it so hard to just play along with the game? It’s not even real! At no point in your life is a genie ACTUALLY going to grant you anything because YOU ARE NOT ALADDIN! So just have some fun with it.

If I ask you “What’s the first thing you would buy if you win the lottery?” don’t be the annoying person that says, “Well I would set up a charitable foundation to help build houses for people who were born with only nine toes.” Would you just say “buy a Ferrari” and move on? You can set up your little charity on day four … but can you at least admit to me that you’re gonna first go to Vegas for the weekend and pull your pants down in the middle of the casino and yell “I’m King of the World!” first?

Me? I’m gonna buy that giant wheel of cheese … the one that hangs in the netting and is way too expensive to ever buy whole … I’m gonna buy it .. and then I’m gonna sit on the floor of the store … in my underwear … and just take a big bite out of it.

I’m King of the World!!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

How To Lose Money

How To Lose Money

Dear Diary …

Everywhere you look, there’s advice on “How to Save Money” … “How to Boost Your Savings” … blah blah blah. So I won’t bother with that. You can go find those articles on your own. Instead … I’m give you advice on how to lose money.

I don’t recommend you actually follow this advice (unless you’re just some super rich weirdo looking to blow thru your fortune). I just figure that since I can’t give you any good tips on saving money … since I myself can’t seem to do it … you can maybe just do the opposite of my advice and it’ll save you some pennies or something.

The single easiest way to lose money is pretty simple … have children. And while that’s an obvious answer because … well … you’re paying for a whole other life form … it goes deeper than that. I’m not talking about the big ticket things like food, diapers, college, weddings, and a place to live … you can still overcome those and save money. I’m talking about the little ways that children will bleed you dry.

For example … take them to a store. Any store. Doesn’t even matter what they sell. Doesn’t even have to be something you think kids are interested in. If it’s a store selling stuff, your kids will figure out a way to want something in that store. Shoot … I bet you could go to a cabinet store and a crafty kid would at least figure out that they sold candy bars at the register.

I took my daughter to the convenience store the other day for a snack. Look … I was having a weak moment as a parent … she was being a good kid and I was feeling all … like … loving and stuff. So I let her pick out a snack. $10 dollars later.

$10 dollars later!?!?

That ain’t a snack! That’s a meal! Or like a share of stock in a company or something.

And don’t even get me started on if you’re dumb enough to take a kid to one of those candy stores. Good lord … you could spend a college tuition on a half dozen circus peanuts and some gummy worms!

And just so you don’t feel like I’m blindly name calling you … I too am stupid enough to go to one of those candy stores. Went to one last week on vacation. The kids found this wacky Japanese drink they claim is “totally awesome.” So I buy them a 6-pack.

No clue how much it was until I get to the register. $17!!!

My wife says, “Wow that’s like a 6 pack of beer.”

Uhhh … no … it’s like a case of beer. And wacky Japanese soda juice thingie doesn’t even get you drunk. But hey … it’s got a weird marble in the bottom that doesn’t actually do anything other than make the drink cost $17.

God I’m stupid. Why do I keep trying to come up with smart ways to make money? I need to come up with DUMB ways to make money.

Here’s another helpful tip if you’re looking to lose money with children … buy foods that they like to eat. I know what you’re thinking … “But these are foods that they like … So aren’t they going to eat them?”

Ahhh … you would think that … but I’ve learned something with children … If there’s a food that they like … and you buy one of them … they will immediately eat it all and force you to go back to the store and get more.

But if you buy five of those items or a really big box because it’s on sale … the children will immediately not like that food anymore.

And if you need further proof … just come enjoy one of the five containers of mint chocolate chip yogurt that are sitting in my stupid refrigerator right now. Daughter eats them every stinking day when I buy one or two … but the minute they were on sale and I bought five?

“I don’t really like those anymore”

Great! Because you know who does like those? Nobody! Because they are mint chocolate chip yogurt and that’s gross!!!

There … hope you enjoyed my anti-finance tips by Zack Jackson. Go do the opposite and you should be rich in no time.

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye

The Lies We Tell

The Les We Tell

Dear Diary …

They always say “you gotta take care of yourself” and to “treat yourself” and “put yourself first” … so basically … do things to be good to yourself and set yourself up for success. That makes sense. So why is it then, that we all lie to ourselves all the time?

We’re supposed to be our biggest fan … I mean if there’s ONE person on Earth you should be able to rely on to tell you the truth, it should be … well … you. But really, you might be the last person to ask because the lies we tell ourselves are ridiculous.

I will admit right now that NEVER … in my entire life … have I actually “just rested my eyes for a minute.” Every single time I’m laying there watching TV and I start to get a little sleepy, that same lie creeps into my head … “Oh well I’m not ready to go to sleep yet. Let me just rest my eyes for minuZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ….”

Oh look … it’s morning!

Of course it’s morning! Because I fell asleep. I always fall asleep. Nad it’s not even a big deal that I fall asleep … so why am I lying to myself that I’m going to successfully “rest my eyes?” Either get up and do something else, or just go to bed!

Here’s another lie I tell myself … that I need to bother storing anything in my freezer. Diary … I have this gigantic freezer in my basement. And you know what it’s full of? Nothing!

And I’m not saying it’s empty … it’s totally full right up to the top. And yet somehow every time I think about what to make for dinner, it’s nothing I actually want to use. So what in the heck is actually in this thing? And why am I lying to myself that I even need to bother saving anything for later, since all I ever end up doing is going to the store day of to buy stuff?

And I don’t even wanna THINK about how money I spent filling this giant box chock full o’ nothing. All of which was almost certainly done in the name of “saving money” in the first place.

So I blame you … you. Or is it … me? Us?

Oh whatever. Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Mystery Nails

The Mystery Nails

Dear Diary …

Last week I had to get my tire fixed because I ran over a nail. About two months ago I had to get a different tire fixed because I ran over a nail. And this is probably the fourth or fifth time in my driving career I’ve had to get a tire fixed because I ran over a nail.

So it brings me to this question … WHERE ARE ALL THESE NAILS COMING FROM???

OK not exactly that … because I get that there’s gonna be random nails laying around on the ground … but what I don’t understand is … how is it so easy to have them jam into your tire?

I mean … in all of the times you’ve been driving down the road … how many times have you seen a nail balancing perfectly and sticking straight up in the air for you to run over? And remember … seeing it in cartoons doesn’t count.

Me? Zero.

And yet you can somehow still have a nail poking right thru the middle of your tire as if that’s exactly what happened. So what sort of voodoo witchcraft is actually happening to make it so?

And while I’m dealing with life’s ridiculous mysteries … can I ask you “yard sale people” a question? And look … you wanna be Yard Sale People? That’s fine. If the thrill of your Saturday is buying other’s people’s curb garbage for a dollar and that brings you joy, then you do you. I’m not here to judge.

But I have to ask … wherever it is that you people come from … do they not have driveways there?

I have to assume they don’t … because every time you come to my neighborhood … you park your car in front of mine. Even if there’s an open space nearby … “Nah … I’d much rather block this driveway instead!”

Do you not understand the rules? Do you only use your car on Saturdays for yard salin’?

“Oh sorry … let me move my car for you.”

Actually … how about you just never put it there in the first place?

Also … browsing of a yard sale is to be done AFTER you park and get out of your car. Not while you are still in your car, in the middle of the road, driving one mile an hour while four cars are stuck behind you.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

A Waste of School

A Waste of School

Dear Diary …

As the school year winds down … or is already over is some places … let me just ask this … Why are we all wasting our time? And what I mean is … when the school year starts to wrap up … I am quite certain that the last two weeks of it are chock full of … well … nothing.

There’s nothing going!

OK … there’s field day, and movie day, and picnic day, and “wear a funny hat day,” and whatever else, but there’s definitely no “do schoolwork day” mixed in there.

And before you get all “we worked hard all year and the SOLs are the worst and blah blah blah” … I’m not saying any of that is wrong. All that stuff is true. No argument there. But if there’s two weeks left of school … and we aren’t really doing any actual school … why are we bothering?

Cuz you know what sucks? Car line.

But you know what sucks more than car line? Car line when you’re picking a kid up from school where all they did that day was watch movies and eat lollipops. Because I can promise you something … my kid don’t need to learn how to do those things any more. He’s already the valedictorian of Television and Junk Food University. Already working on his master’s degree.

And if you wanna do all that stuff for two weeks … fine. But maybe the whole thing should just be optional. I kept my kids home from school one day last week simply because we didn’t feel like getting them up in the morning or having to pick them up later. And of course I still get the robocall … “your child had an unexcused absence from school today.”

Oh … I am SO sorry. Please let me know how much of “Moana” you guys watched today at “school” and I’ll be sure to get him caught up on all his homework.

This takes me back to the classic argument I always have with people … when you’re there … you’re there. And when you’re open … you’re open.

If you work at a restaurant that closes at 10pm and you’re mad that somebody walks in at 9:45 … then YOU NEED TO CLOSE AT 9:45 IF YOU DON’T WANT PEOPLE AT THAT TIME!!!!

“Well there’s only like a week left of school.” So?

If you’re open … you’re open.

And if you don’t wanna do anything … then just say “Hey … we ain’t gonna do anything for the next two weeks. So just drop your kid off if you feel like having free daycare … or just feel free to keep them home if you’d rather not bother.” That’s all I’m asking!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Adult Story Time

Adult Story Time

Dear Diary …

Ahhh story time. When you were a kid, story time was the most glorious time. You would get all snug in your bed … pull the covers up to your chin like you’re a little kid on a sitcom. And then Mommy and Daddy would read you a story …

“Goodnight moon. Goodnight light. Goodnight room.”

Or you know … whatever dork book it was that you had on hand and your kids made you read one million times. The point is … story time is great when you’re a kid.

But when you’re an adult … story time is awful.

And I’m not talking about you having to read to your kids. That ones fine. (Maybe a little annoying at times, but overall not too bad.)

I’m talking about what story time BECOMES for you when you’re an adult. Because now … story time consists of the same horrible thing every time … you get stuck going to a meeting … somebody hands you a giant pamphlet … and then proceeds to to read that pamphlet to you word for word.

And you don’t even get to fall asleep like little kid story time … adult story time makes you sit there the whole time … flippin’ to the next page … having that one read to you as well.

Why do we do this? Just hand me the packet and have me read it. I CAN read. And even if I couldn’t … I could just tell Alexa to do it for me. So why do I need to be dragged into adult story time instead?

Well I’ll tell you why … It’s because most of y’all are lazy and you wouldn’t read it in the first place. So that’s why somebody has to read it to you. So … this is YOUR fault.

Moving on Diary … I’ve decided I don’t appreciate the attitude of auto-reply email messages. They’re just smug and unnecessary.

I am out of the office until Monday … please contact blah blah blah if you have an urgent request.

Oh well congratulations to you! You got to go on a little trip or a staycation or whatever. I don’t need you rubbing it in my face. “I’M not here right now because I’m awesome. But since YOU’RE a working stiff who desperately needs me … you will have to sit there and wait. BAHAHAHA!!!”

Cuz here’s the other thing with the auto-reply … to me it’s basically a guarantee that that person ain’t ever going to actually get back to you. Oh sorry … I was out and my inbox was just SWAMPED. What did you need again? That’s ll they’re going to do … they’re going wait for you to contct them again.

And let’s not even get into the fact that half the time the auto-reply has the wrong dates on it, or ended three days ago. So like … are you here or not?

See? Smug. Don’t appreciate it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Doin’ Stuff is Dumb

Doin’ Stuff Is Dumb

Dear Diary …

As things get back to “normal” (or whatever that even means), what I do know is we see a world where at the very least people are doing more stuff. More activities, more plans, more trips … stuff like that. And I am here to report … IT’S AWFUL!!!

Oh my God! There’s so … much … STUFF!!!

Kid baseball. Dad softball. Kid dance. Wife working. Travel plans. Work events. It’s just never ending.

And yes … while it is good that we are able to get out and do things, I gotta be honest … I kinda miss the coronavirus. OK I don’t miss the actual coronavirus, or thinking we were all gonna die, or having to wipe down each individual item from the grocery store because you thought it had deadly cooties on it. Ugh. That was the worst. I stopped buying bananas simply because there’s too many of ‘em in a bunch to have to wipe down!

So I don’t miss any of those things, but I do miss the big pile of nothing we all had going on. I remember when “plans” consisted of some random person in your neighborhood deciding to play piano every night for 10 minutes and the neighbors all standing there … 200 feet away from each other while you gathered. And as far as plans went … that was it. For the week. Shoot .. that was considered “big plans.”

Now every day feels like one of those time lapse videos where they show people walking around all fast while the sun rises and sets on super speed. Except that’s real life now. Buzzin’ around like a bunch of bees makin’ honey.

For the first time in my adult life I’m genuinely excited for the kids to be on summer vacation. Not because I care about them getting time off from school … forget that … they can do homework year round for all I care. I just don’t wanna sit in car line anymore for a while!

Look … I don’t wanna go back to the way things were last year, but can we maybe at least figure out a way to have like a “mini pandemic” for a week or two every now and then? You know … one where there isn’t any actual illness, but we just stopped doing stuff just in case. I don’t know … mainly I just wanna do less stuff. How do we do that?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Greeting Card Scam

Dear Diary …

Fresh off the heels of this lovely Mother’s Day let me of course say thank you to all the Moms out there for everything you do. You’re the best. OK … we done with all the showering in praise and Mother’s Day and all this stuff? Good … cuz this ain’t about you! Sheesh!

I kid. I kid. I kid. Please don’t kill me.

Really it’s true though, this has nothing to do with Mothers Day. Mother’s Day just happens to be one of the days where this evil monster rears its devil head … the greeting card industry.

I’m sorry, but cards are just stupid. And not necessarily the card itself or the message inside, but more THE PRICE of the card itself. I’m all shopping for a Mother’s Day card … “Oooh this is nice … it says nice things … Seven dollars? NOPE!”

I’m sorry, but on no planet in any dimension should a greeting card and a steak be similar in price. I mean we’re talking about a square of paper here with some writing on it that gets handed to a person, read, and then thrown away. I just described a receipt to you … and we ain’t charging anybody seven dollars for a receipt!

And further more … where does the greeting card world get off permanently printing the price of the card right on the back of it?

Now you can’t even safely buy your momma the 99 cent card because she can just flip that bad boy over and immediately put a price tag on your love for her. [Mom voice] “Oh I see how it is! You only love your mother 99 cents? Your mother … who was in labor for 27 hours with you. You know your brother spent seven dollars on his card. Hmpf!”

And you know what else costs too much? Flowers! We’ve created a billion dollar industry out of basically a weed that you pull out of the ground, hand somebody, and is dead by the end of the week and in the trash. Oh yeah … that felt like $20 well spent!

And let’s not even get into the whole scam of event flowers for things like wedding and funerals. OK … actually we’re totally getting into the whole scam. How is it that we spend every normal day of our lives complaining “$10 for a pizza … that’s outrageous!” but when we have a wedding suddenly $3,000 for a bunch of flowers “oh that seems like a fair price!”

But hey … we’re the idiots. We’re the ones that keep dropping $7 on a card. Why? Cuz we’re afraid of the wrath of Momma … that’s why.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

I Don’t Know Me at All

I Don’t Know Me at All

Dear Diary …

They always say “with age comes wisdom” … Which I guess means that the older you get, the more you learn stuff. And while I agree that most young people are stupid (it’s OK young people, I too was stupid when I was young people. It’s fine.) … I’m not sure if you get any smarter as you get older.

In my [mumbles] years on this planet I’ve finally learned one thing. I don’t know myself. At ALL. You’d think I would. I spend all day and all night with myself. I even get to read my own thoughts. And still … I don’t think I know a dang thing about this person.

I have one of those big ol’ chest freezers in my basement. All sorts of stuff in there … steaks … chicken … desserts … fully cooked and ready to eat meals … at least I think all that stuff is in there, because every time I go down to that freezer to find something, the only stuff on top is stupid. Everything I need is ALL the way on the bottom.

I mean … what idiot loaded this thing in the first place? Oh … wait … this idiot. How is it that I know this little about myself that the top of this freezer is filled with things I never wanna use anytime soon? And even when I pull the whole thing out and rearrange it … It still ends up this way!

Or when I take care of stuff. You would think I would know where I need to have things in order to remember where they are and find them easily, right? Nope! Diary … do you know where my checkbook is right now? No … seriously … do you know where my checkbook is right now because I can never find that stupid thing. And every time I find it I put it in a different place I can never remember.

Or when I make plans … I really don’t think I know myself, or at the very least I grossly overestimate my desire to do stuff. Diary … I have a day coming up in a couple weeks where my wife and daughter are out of town, my son is sleeping over a friend’s house, and I am going to be all alone. By myself. On a Saturday night.

So what do I do? Text a friend and say “Hey you wanna come over that night and hang out?”

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME????

Why do I do this to myself??? I know darn well that I’m gonna wish I was home all by myself, and to be clear … I HAD THAT CHANCE. And I ruined it. ME! Nobody else. Stupid stupid me.

This is why I need an assistant. I have no doubt that that person will know me better than me. Cuz I don’t know squat.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Story of Noah’s Ark

Dear Diary …

The Story of Noah’s Ark

I guess sometimes in order to understand the present, we must look back at the past. So let’s look back. WAY back. Remember the … like … you know … Bible? Yeah … like I said … we goin’ WAY back.

So in the Bible, there was this dude Noah. Everybody knows the story of Noah. God tells him he’s gotta build a big ol’ boat and grab two of everything and throw it on the boat. So Noah does what God says, saves all the animals and becomes an inspiration to children everywhere in present times.

OK … I know what you’re thinking … “That seems like a little bit of a jump to go 2,000 years into the future and say he’s inspiring children today. What do you even mean by that?”

Well … I’ll tell you what I mean by that … clearly he’s inspired kids today. And definitely MY kids today. And not with the whole “hey listen to what God tells you to do” angle, but more in the “make sure you have two of everything” angle.

Because that’s what they do. If there’s an open box of Cheezits … definitely make sure to not notice, and open a second box instead. My whole dang pantry is a tribute to Noah’s Ark … cuz we got two of everything open in there.

“Oh I didn’t see it!”

You didn’t see the box of Cheezits … right next to the other box of Cheezits?

And since the answer is “no,” I have to assume all logic is thrown out the door and it is simply Divine Intervention and the story of Noah’s Ark still having an impact today.

So … Diary … while I’m talking about pain and suffering. I mean … I was talking about the Bible. Have you read that thing? It’s got a LOT of chapters where some bad stuff goes down. Who lot of smotin’ and sinnin’ and warrin’

Anyway … I’ve learned that the single most painful question I can ask my son is … “Can you brush your teeth please?”

Sounds like an easy enough request. Heck … It sounds like a downright pleasant request since I’m asking you to fill your mouth with cleanliness and minty freshness. But what’s the response every time?

“Ugghhhhhhhh … OKKKAAAYYYYY”

You would’ve thought I had said … “Hey boy … please throw a bunch of needles in your mouth and swish them around for a while.”

See … this is why most kids have breath that smells like hot garbage … cuz they don’t wanna listen to even the most simplest requests.

I tell people this all the time if they’re about to start having kids … be prepared to have a life form that you are in charge or who’s number one goal is to kill themselves and your number one goal will be to make sure they don’t.

Think about it. That’s all they do. Babies try to fling themselves down the stairs. Toddlers try to fall down a well. And even when they’re older all they wanna do is drink Sprite for breakfast and stare at their phone 23 and a half hours a day. Then they get a license and try to drive 100 miles and hour while not paying attention the road. And then they ask you to go on trips to Mexico with just their friends “cuz I’m old enough to go on my own.”

It’s a wonder any of them make it 18 really.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye