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Dear Diary …

Let me ask you this … Who set the rules in your house? Do you even know? Because I have no clue.

In my house, “iPad Time” apparently starts at 2pm. Why 2pm? I have no idea! I feel like maybe at some point I may have told a child they had to wait until 2pm on a particular day to use their iPad, but I never recall entering it into Castle Jackson Family Law. And yet it is.

2pm is now the single most recognizable time in my home. I could ask my son to do his homework at exactly 1pm and I can guarantee you he would “forget” unless I remind him. Meanwhile, when “iPad Law” kicks in at 2pm, you can be rest assured at 1:59 he’s counting it down like they’re dropping the ball on New Year’s Rockin’ Eve … 3 … 2 … 1 … Happy iPad Time!

Heck … I’ve seen him outside playing with his friends, and then start sprinting down the street at 2pm. I mean God forbid we spend an extra few minutes outside … not when it’s IPAD TIME!!!!

I also have no idea who set the rule that said every single meal must come with a dessert. And not just dinner … gotta have your “lunch dessert” too! Just randomly walking in the room with an ice cream cone at noon.

What are you doing?

“I’m having my lunch dessert!”

You ate one bite of a sandwich, and somehow that counted as lunch?

Sometimes when my son gets home from school his entire lunch is still in there.

Why didn’t you eat your lunch?

“I wasn’t hungry.”

OK well where’s the dessert?

“Oh I ate that!”

No child understands the definition of “I’m full.” I hate when they say “I’m full” at dinner, because they’re liars. They’re not full. They just don’t wanna eat regular food anymore. They want dessert.

“I’m full” is almost immediately followed by, “can I have ice cream?”

I thought you were full?

“Yeah … of dinner”

That’s not full! “Full” is full. So don’t use the word if you don’t mean it! Just say “I ate three bites of chicken and one pea and now I think I qualify for cupcakes.” Because we all know that’s what you’re getting at anyway.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

Now I’m not complaining …

OK … I’m kind of complaining. But hear me out here, because I’m complaining … with respect! You can do that, right? You can complain about something, but still respect the heck out of the person doing it. Right?

Because that’s where I’m at with the trash guy. Or gal. But for the purposes of this Anger Diary, let’s just call him the trash guy … because “trash person” has no flow to it at all. Now I respect the heck out of the trash guy. I mean … this is THE definition of a dirty job. They pick up your nasty raw chicken juice, dirty diapers, dog poop, and Lord knows what else. So let me make it VERY clear that I am grateful for the trash guy and everything they do for the rest of us.

But I have to ask … why you gotta throw my trash cans all over the place when you’re done with them? My trash cans are in the alley. And when I go out there after trash pickup, the people across from the alley have this spot for their trash cans that’s the exact same size as the cans. And theirs are carefully placed back in that spot every time.

Meanwhile … I don’t have a space like that. Mine is more wide open. And by wide open I mean WIDE OPEN … because my cans are tossed all over the place like they were on fire when the trash guy was there and the only way to put out that fire was to toss the cans as haphazardly as possible.

Neighbor’s side … neat and tidy. My side … chaos!

So I need you to level with me … Is there a Trash Guy Olympics that I don’t know about? You know … big international trash guy competition with all sorts of events like the Leave The Lid Open When It’s About to Rain Marathon, the Bulk Trash Relay, and of course the event my guys are training for … The Trash Can Toss.

I’ll be honest … I’m looking for less of an explanation here and more of an invite to the competition, because my guys are training hard and I think they can take the gold medal in the Trash Can Toss this year. And I just wanna be there at the World Championships. So when they successfully toss that thing 50 feet down the road for the victory … they can look to me in the crowd and point.

You.

And I’ll stand up and I’ll point back … no … YOU!

See? I’m not even complaining THAT much and demanding that you gently place my can down in the spot you found it. I just wanna come to the Trash Guy Olympics and cheer you on. Let’s make it happen!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary ..

I used to think I was smart, but then I see some of the things I do and I realize … I’m an idiot. And the reason is because other people have figured out the scam and I haven’t. Dumb!

When I go on vacation or just take a couple days off from work … I do the same stupid thing every time. I go do my thing, but then I check my email, answer my texts, and say stupid things like “if there’s an emergency just reach out and let me know.” What a moron! Because all I’m doing is giving an open invitation to the entire world to hit me up with “I hate to bother you while you’re on vacation … buuuuuuuut …”

Why am I trying to be responsible and helpful? That’s just ridiculous, because meanwhile the rest of you have figured it out. I get this auto reply email all the time …

“I am out of the office and in the woods and don’t have any access to the internet or cell service.”

You know what?

[[SLOW CLAP]]

Bravo! You did it. You beat the system.

Let’s be honest here … there’s like two of us out there that are ACTUALLY going into some sort of technology free wilderness, because even the times I have been “out in nature” … I’m still gettin’ a couple bars for service. Cuz … um … you know where they have wifi? The top of Mount Everest!!! So if they have it, I promise you most everybody else has it too.

But what I’m learning is … you’re the only one who knows that. So just make it sound like you’re on an expedition to the Arctic Circle, and now you get to fall off the face of the Earth for a week. It’s genius really and I’m mad at myself for not thinking of it sooner. Granted, now that I’ve opened my stupid mouth, everyone is just going to assume I’m lying and hit me up anyway, “I know you said you’d be unavailable, but just in case you get this ….”

You see? Stupid!! That’s me. Public Idiot #1.

And the other thing I do that is just plain idiotic … The week before I take any time off, I go nutso setting EVERYTHING up for while I’m gone so nobody has to worry about anything. So really I’m not taking any time off since I’m working twice as much that week before just to be “off” that next week. That’s not “off” … that’s just a redistribution of time. Meanwhile everybody just manages to sneak out the back door of life, “Ooooh yeah … can you cover that for me? I’m unavailable.”

So now I’m over here covering their time. What an idiot!

Seriously Diary, I gotta rethink my whole assessment of my intellectual abilities, because I’m starting to think I don’t have any.

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye

Dear Diary …

I would start this entry by saying “we’re all smart people” … we’re not … (but you knew that already). Now I will say this … I do think everyone is smart in their own way about SOMETHING. I mean, no matter how dumb as a whole you might be, I’d like to think that you at least have a decent amount of knowledge on one topic in particular. Maybe you can’t math so good, but you know a lot about cars. Maybe you can’t talk to women to save your life, but you crush it at fixing a computer.

But what always amazes me is there is a way for us to be “instantly dumb” about one particular thing. It doesn’t matter how much of a wizard you are at using your phone … the SECOND you are handed somebody else’s phone, you instantly become stupid.

Two seconds earlier you knew how to do EVERYTHING on your phone, but now you’re suddenly like a caveman who just got thawed out of an iceberg and was handed an iPhone and told to use it. “Me don’t know where button is to take picture. How me hold this again???”

How does this happen? I mean … yeah … all the apps aren’t in the same place, but our brain is like, “What are apps? Do you mean like potato skins? Those kinds of apps?”

And it’s not just an iPhone vs. Android thing. My wife and I both have iPhones. But if she hands me her phone, she may as well handed me a scroll of Egyptian hieroglyphics and asked me to decode them. How am I so stupid so quickly?

Oh and speaking of stupid diary … why do we let ourselves fall for stupid labels that we know aren’t even true? Take for example the label “best value” … it’s never actually the best value at the store. It’s just the most expensive version of the product. Oh but if you buy ten cans of beans, then it’s the “best value!” Yeah … for you. Now I gotta buy ten cans of beans just to save 9 cents per can. This doesn’t feel like the best possible value.

Or what about the stupid questions we allow to be asked? Ever gone to buy a car and been asked this one … “Well …how much would you like to spend today?”

Honestly? Zero. I would like to buy a car for zero.

“That’s not what I meant. You can’t answer that?”

Yes I can. You asked how much I want to spend. In a perfect world, you hand me the keys and I drive away. So there’s my starting offer. Zero. Your counter?

Or what about in a job interview … “Where would you like your career to be in 5 years?”

Filthy freakin’ rich and retired and of course!

“Oh you can’t say that, it needs to be more realistic.”

And why does it? Am I supposed to say, “Well Gene … I just strive for a pathetic middle management position with no hope of advancement that I can then live paycheck to paycheck until I’m 70.” … is that the right answer?

Yeah … maybe I won’t be filthy rich and retired in 5 years … but that’s ALWAYS gonna be the plan until it finally gets here. Anything less is just loser attitude.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Dear Diary …

I know how you’re feeling right now. Terrible!  Of course you are … we all are. And it’s because we continue to allow ourselves to be controlled by some silly rule about Daylight Saving Time.  Or Daylight Savings Time.   Or whatever it is.  You see!  You see how stupid it is?  We don’t even know what to call it.

Here’s a history lesson for you … there was once a guy named George who liked collecting bugs during his free time after work, and he wanted there to be more sunlight so he could collect more bugs.  So George wrote a paper and sent it to the government, and the government said “Ok George, we’ll change the time an hour for you so you can collect more bugs.”

And that … my friends … is how Daylight Saving Time started.

Seriously.

Some guy who liked bugs asked if we would change the clocks.  So we did.

This.  This is the rule we still live by because “bug man” wanted it so.

So you see right there how ridiculous the whole thing is … so today is a fantastic day to simply … leave it alone.  We just “Springed forward” … now it’s lighter later … and we can just never do this again.

Never again will you have to feel like hammered snot for a week.  Never again will you have to try to figure out how to reset that weird clock on the microwave.  Never again.  Makes total sense.

But here’s the problem … some of y’all are going to complain.  Why?  Cuz that’s what you do.    I’m pretty sure you just like complaining because you seem to be perfectly fine until somebody tries to mess with something you didn’t even care about, and now suddenly you care SO MUCH!

They stopped publishing a bunch of Dr. Seuss books nobody had ever even heard of, and then suddenly we all went insane.  “They can’t cancel those books!”

OK … which ones were they again?  “I don’t know … but I’m angry anyway!”  And who do you think had the last laugh here?  Dr. Suess!  They cut some sucky books from their roster, and then everybody bought the heck out of the other ones as some sort of protest.  Welp … you showed them!

Then you got mad because they changed the brand name of Mr. Potato Head to “Potato Head.”  “They can’t cancel Mr. Potato Head!!”

First of all … it’s a toy from like 1950 that nobody over the age of one even cares about.

Second … it’s a potato.  There ain’t no Mr. Potato or Mrs. Potato.  It’s a potato.  When’s the last time you ordered “boy french fries” when you went to McDonald’s?  And does that mean a Chick Fil-A waffle fry is a girl?  I don’t know … you tell me since the sex of yo’ potatoes is so vital to your everyday life.

So yeah … I’m sure we could stop Daylight Saving Time, but then you’ll get all “They can’t cancel the time change!!!  It’s the way we’ve always done it!”

You know what else we used to do all the time back in the day?  Duels.

But eventually we realized … we didn’t really need to do duels anymore.  So tell me then why it makes sense that twice a year we decide to have a big shootout at the OK-Corral for old time’s sake?

Ain’t a human out there that enjoys a 4pm sunset … so let’s just stop messin’ with the clocks right now and never do it again.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

As you’ve probably noticed … health and wellness of the population has kinda been a big deal lately. And if you hadn’t noticed … um … can I have a couple sips of that ignorance juice you been drinkin’? Cuz I don’t wanna notice no more either.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past year, it’s that there ain’t no truer term on Earth than “ignorance is bliss.” People get all mad if you call them stupid … “I’m not stupid! I’m smart! How dare you say that to me!!” Why you mad, bro?

I am smart. And I hate it. You know what happens when you’re smart? You think too much and you notice everything. It’s awful! Plus … people expect stuff from you … like to do work and take care of responsibilities. Nobody ever does that when you’re an idiot. So just sit there and be happy that you have all this free time and very little responsibility.

Anyway … I’m gettin’ sidetracked. You see! Too much brain stuff. Gets me all distracted!! So what I want to say is that with this emphasis on public health and wellness … I need to bring to light two previously undiagnosed medical conditions.

The first is called Textolepsy. Now you’ve probably heard of narcolepsy … that’s the thing where people just randomly fall asleep. Well textolepsy is very similar, but it’s when you are having a seemingly normal conversation with someone on text. You text them … they text you back … back and forth … until you get to a point where you ask them a question that requires an answer … and suddenly the textoleptic has gone into some kind of coma and completely disappears.

And don’t you play dumb with me or lie and act like you got busy all of a sudden because you immediately respond to every text until I say … so … we good for Tuesday?

And then … [crickets]

And I see you! I see you still liking stuff on your Instagram, so don’t be giving me no “Oh I just didn’t have my phone with me.”

I also believe that textolepsy comes with a level of short term memory loss, because when the textoleptic finally does return to the conversation, they still never answer the question or even act like they remember being asked anything. So clearly what we have here is a medical condition!

Here’s another one … Laughatitis.

These are the people who will be in another room … my wife is a sufferer of laughatitis … and all of a sudden you hear them [laughing] … Laughin’ out loud all by themselves.

And when I ask … What are you laughin’ at?

“Oh nothing. Just something on my phone.”

What the heck man? Why you all laughin’ out loud and calling attention to it, but then when I ask … “Oh nothin’”

It’s fine if you’re just keeping something to yourself, but then don’t be makin’ noises!!! Sometimes I see something that’s funny, but if I don’t wanna share, I just don’t make noise.

People with laughatits also have a side effect that causes them to initiate conversations that they don’t actually want to have.

They do things like look on their phone and go … “Oh that’s interesting.”

[pause]

What? What’s interesting?

“Oh nothin’”

If you don’t wanna talk, fine! But then … DON’T TALK!!! Congratulations … you saw something on the internet. Either share it … or be quiet!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye

Dear Diary …

You know how they always say things like “Respect Your Elders” and “Honor thy Forefathers?” Well I gotta tell ya … I’m not so sure. I mean yeah … we can respect previous generations. Absolutely. We should respect EVERY generation. Even those no good rotten Millennials deserve respect!

And really I kid about that. Millennials get a bad rap … “Oh they’re just a lazy generation that’s young and dumb and doesn’t wanna work.” That is EVERY generation when they’re young. Cuz when you’re young … you’re dumb … and you don’t wanna work! I promise you there were 16 year olds in the Greatest Generation that were all, “Maaaaa … I don’t wanna go work in the fields. I’m just gonna sit here and look at the box of sticks I use as toys.” Every generation is lazy when they’re young … it’s part of being young.

Oh and by the way … to all of you that keep posting that dumb thread about “it’s a fact that my generation was the last one to play outside and we didn’t have a phone in our hands all the time.” Oh please! I’m in that generation, and you know what we loved, watching tons of TV, playing video games, and talking on the phone until our parents yanked the cord out of the wall. Not to mention the fact that you probably posted that status on your Facebook page FROM YOUR PHONE and then sat there all day hittin’ refresh to see how many likes it got.

OK … but I’m getting sidetracked here. “Respect Your Elders” … why?

Sure … they did some things, but you ever tried to get plumbing and electrical fixed in your house when it was built by one of these old coot generations? What was wrong with these people? It was as if their goal was to make sure all plumbing and electrical was done in a way that it was impossible to get to later if you needed to fix it, and everything was installed at an angle that no tool can actually reach.

Why I gotta respect these people that treated the inner workings of my house like it was a funhouse maze that some poor future generation … i.e. ME … had to figure out? See? This is what happens when people don’t have video games. They treat the homebuilding process like it’s a video game and they’re hidin’ Easter eggs all throughout the walls.

“Respect Your Elders” … FAHHH! And don’t even get me started on the Forefathers. I don’t know why people get so uptight about the Constitution. Yeah … it’s got some important stuff in there, but it was also written 250 years ago. I don’t even trust a cookbook that was written in 1987, so why am I gonna trust a document that was written during a time where guys thought it was cool to wear wigs and have wooden teeth? That’s like taking your investment advice from that weird man that sits on the bench outside the post office.

You wanna do that? Good luck! I’m all for learning from older generations, but let’s also not forget these are the people that thought you should put leeches on your body when you didn’t feel good.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

I would start this by saying “We’re all doing our best right now,” but I think we all know that ain’t true. I mean, I’M doing my best. And some of you out there are doing your best. But then there’s the rest of you.

And I would say, “you know who you are,” but those people never know who they are. You say “you know who you are,” and you can look right at those people and they will look around the room like, “Huh … I wonder who we’re talking about that’s in here? And it’s so weird because there’s nobody else in here. Must mean we’re talking about somebody else in some other room. Huh.”

And if you need an example of how oblivious they truly are … just go to the grocery store. Because there you are … doing your best … trying to respect everybody’s bubble. So when that old lady opens the fridge to the milk … and stands there … and stands there … and stands there.

It’s MILK!!!!! It’s not like one of them is milk and the other one is diet milk and a third one is nacho cheese milk … it’s one milk. ONE MILK!!!!

So there you are … like an idiot … just waiting for her to move so you can grab your milk. Meanwhile … plenty of other people who also aren’t “doing their best” are sliding right in next to old lady and grabbing everything they want because they don’t care about no bubble either. I mean is everybody thinking “You must be letting everybody cut you … cool thanks!”

OK … moving on Diary … since there’s no helping those people, let me at least give some advice that can help somebody out there who’s paying attention. It’s parenting advice. If you have kids … or ever plan on having kids some day … he’s a very helpful piece of advice. Never give them the freedom of choice. Ever.

Kids don’t need choices because they’re never going to do it right. If you have a kid and you give them a choice … hey do you want pancakes or waffles? They’re gonna spend the next … um … eternity … sitting there trying to decide. “I’m thinking!” How long are you thinking??? It’s a simple choice!!! And never … and I repeat … NEVER give them a choice at the store unless you are a sadistic person who likes punishing yourself. Don’t believe me? Take them to the gum aisle and let them try to pick one pack of gum. See you in a month!

And if you have two kids … then DEFINITELY don’t give them a choice of anything because all you’re ever going to get is one of them picking something, and then the other one picking the exact opposite just to cause a fight with their sibling.

My family has gone thru every movie ever released by Hollywood. And I don’t mean that we’ve watched any of them … we’ve just ruled them all out because we were stupid enough to give the kids a choice of movies, so if one kid says ‘I want to watch that,” the other says “Noooo … I don’t want to watch that movie!!!” And then both of those movies are eliminated for all of time, and then every movie on Earth gets the same treatment.

People always act like, “oh we need to have freedom for everything!” I’m not so sure we do. Kids in China just do what they’re told and don’t ask questions cuz they ain’t allowed. I’m not so sure that’s a bad thing. Just sayin’

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Dear Diary …

Men and women are different creatures.  There’s is no disputing that.  And for the most part … let’s all be honest here … women are better creatures.  Better looking … better smelling … not as hairy.  We men … we’re gross.  And mostly dumb, too.  I will freely admit that.

That said … there ARE some ways that men are better than women.  So ladies … don’t be gettin’ all mad at me here.  I just said how awesome y’all are.  But you also ain’t perfect.

There is one way that men are, as a whole, better than women.  And this is not up for debate!  I’ve watched it my entire life.  So I ain’t putin’ forth no opinion here … I’m just relaying a fact based on my observation.

When it comes to tedious and unpleasant things … men revert back to their animal instincts.  They hide what’s bothering them from everyone else around them, they find a hidden spot in the woods, and they die there.  We don’t let anybody else know what’s going on and we just hide it from everyone.  

And while from a psychological standpoint that’s probably … like … terrible or something, on the flip side, from a “having to listen to other people’s crap” standpoint … it’s awesome.  You just go over there suffer silently and don’t force the rest of us to have to hear about it. Thank you.

Women on the other hand?  Oh they wanna make sure that they drag you along for the looooong … painfullll …. journey.

My wife has decided to go back to school … and I applaud that decision.  Kickin’ butt and takin’ names!  But it also means that every time she has homework … dumb tedious homework … now I gotta suffer through homework too.  I didn’t sign up for no schoolin’ …. So why I gotta ride the homework pain train?

“Hey do you know how to do this chemistry equation?”

Chemistry equation?  Girl the last time I took chemistry AOL was still cool.  I gotta set reminders in my phone so I don’t forget to pick my kids up from school. You think I’m gonna what C times B over D is gonna equal?  If the answer ain’t “CBD oil” … then I don’t know.

And this is not new … this has been my entire life interacting with women.  I had a girlfriend back in the day who used to call me when she was at work because she was bored.

I’d be home … playing video games and having a blast … and then …

[sigh] “I’m bored.”

OK great … well now I’m bored too!  So now what?  And she’d make me sit there … for what felt like hours.  Because if she was gonna be bored, well then she was gonna make darn well sure that I was bored too.

I don’t know why you ladies insist on it, but you wanna make sure that if you’re miserable in any way, we’re gonna be sharing in that misery whether we like it or not.  And because we’re dumb (and we like nudity), we put it up with it.  [grunt grunt grunt]

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye. 

Dear Diary … 

I don’t know why some people talk.  Every time they open their mouth … ppppppbbbbbt … trash just falls out of there.  And I blame dumb phrases that we’ve allowed to become acceptable even though they make you sound like a fool when you say them.  Like “no regrets” … that’s one I hear all the time when I watch the cooking competition show “Chopped.”

So a chef will make a dish … and then they’ll screw something up and they get chopped.  And as they’re leaving in their exit interview they always say … “Oh I mean I stand by my dish.  I have no regrets.  If I could do it again, I wouldn’t change anything.”

Really?  Cuz you know what I would change?  THE THING THAT GOT ME CHOPPED!!!

“Hey Zack … do you have any regrets?”

Why yes … doing the thing that made me lose!!!

Why do we act like it’s bad to have regrets?  Like we’re just supposed to be OK with our dumb decisions and then just pat ourselves on the back and say, “It’s OK buddy … you know that bad judgement you had right there?  Don’t do anything about it! Stay exactly the way you are and keep screwin’ up your whole life!”

Guess what Diary … I have regrets.  Like today … and every day.  I’m doubting my decision to even talk about this in the first place because maybe I could’ve come up with something better!  Regrets are what force you to improve next time … so have em … it’s a good thing!

Here’s another one that makes you sound dumb … “With all due respect.”

And here’s why … every single time you say “with all due respect” you’re about to tell someone something you don’t like about them and probably have no respect for them because you don’t like it.

I mean if I say … “With all due respect … you’re an idiot.”

What respect was that idiot due in the first place?

I’ll tell you the only reason to say “with all due respect” is to trick that person into thinking you respect them at all right before you drop the hammer on their face and insult them.

OK … you know what … I take that one back … I like “With all due respect” … but only when I use it on you.  If you use it on ME, well we gonna throw down then cuz them’s fightin’ words.  

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye