Merry Christmas!

Dear Diary …

OK everyone … don’t freak out. Don’t go crazy. Don’t get all mad. But I am here to tell you … Merry Christmas!

OK OK … it’s not exactly that, but I am here to talk you off the ledge when you go to the store this week and you see … GASP … Christmas stuff for sale! Oh heavens to Betsy!

What I need you to do is resist the temptation to get all mad and immediately take a picture and run to your social media and post it and say “I can’t believe they already have Christmas stuff out at the store! It’s too early!”

Alright … just stop. Let it go.

Cuz here’s the deal … it’s not too early.

Yeah … it’s too early to put your tree up or start decorating your yard, but it’s not too early to start buying stuff. Why? Because it’s never too early to buy stuff. Because when you want stuff … just buy it!

Ain’t nobody freaking out in February when they’re selling shorts at the Gap. “I can’t believe they’re already selling shorts! It’s not even spring!”

Look … they put it out there because sometimes you wanna buy shorts in February and sometimes you wanna buy Christmas stuff in September. They got winter coats for sale right now. Ain’t nobody lighting torches and marching the streets in protest over that.

You don’t wanna buy Christmas stuff right now? Fine. Don’t. But maybe somebody else does.

I just bought a refrigerator over the weekend. So now I have no need to shop for one for hopefully a REALLY long time. But I’m not mad if they’re still out there for somebody else to buy. The universe doesn’t revolve around just you. Some people wanna get that stuff out of the way … or maybe they’re excited for the holidays. Who really cares the reason? If that’s not for you .. then don’t bother.

I think pumpkin spice is nasty. But … some basic person with their autumn knit cap on is super excited about it. Great! Have at it!

There’s Christmas-themed stores that are open year round. And if you don’t like it … then don’t go there. Nobody’s forcing you. Do your own thing and move on!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Bring Baby Powder

Bring Baby Powder

Dear Diary …

I like to think I provide halfway decent advice. At the very least, I hope somebody out there at least realizes that they’re doing something dumb and stops doing it after I point it out. (Though you know how it is with dumb people … they dumb.) It’s like a wise man once said … “If you can change just one idiot’s ways, you’ve done your job.” Or maybe it was Oprah. Or maybe I read it on a shirt in Myrtle Beach.

Anyway … I’m here to help. So today I’ve got some helpful pieces of life advice.

Life advice #1: Bring Baby Powder

This is one that must evolve as you get older, because when I was a kid this issue never came up, but now? Man there’s chafing. I don’t know when that butt to sweat to pant ratio changes, but boy does it change! I just got back from this big ol’ food festival, and let me tell you right now, if I didn’t have my trustly bottle of baby powder on me at all times, you’d probably find my red and irritated corpse laying on the streets of Greenville, South Carolina.

Any when I was at FloydFest? Oh you can forget about it. They might as well change the name of that whole festival to Chafe-O-Rama. And if Johnson and Johnson ain’t a sponsor of that thing, it should be. At the very least, I’m gonna buy me a bunch of those little travel size bottles of baby powder, set up a booth, and then sell them for $500 each as the night goes on. Heck at one point I woulda paid twice that, and I HAD my own supply!

Life advice #2: Don’t Talk to Me

Here’s where we go back to the whole, “change just one idiot’s mind” thing from earlier. If you don’t know me, and we’re around each other, resist the temptation to speak to me. Now I don’t mean ALL talking. You wanna tell me my shoes are cool or my face looks awesome? Go for it!

I’m more talking about if you’ve got some sort of complaint or general whininess going on … I don’t want to hear about it.

If we are both standing in a line. And it’s long. I’m aware that it’s long. I don’t need you to start telling me, “boy this line is long!” Then go into your whole rant about how there aren’t enough registers open or nobody wants to work or whatever other “angry AM radio agenda” you have on your mind. I don’t care! Nobody cares! Don’t talk!

I know exactly what this is … this is a person who’s already worn out everybody in their life. Friends don’t call them anymore. Family ignores them. So now they’re just looking for someone … ANYONE … to listen to their boring topics. This is why Facebook is the billion dollar company that it is … they tapped into these noodnicks and gave them a platform to complain about the line for the WHOLE world to hear. Thanks Zuckerberg!

Till next Time Diary .. I say … Goodbye

Eat Drink and Sit

Eat Drink and Sit

Dear Diary …

I enjoy me a beach vacation. Granted … sand is kinda just … awful and sandy … but it’s all part of the experience. The sun … the surf … the smell of the ocean air … I’m cool with all that. However, there is one thing that is totally ruining the beach going experience. And it doesn’t even have to be a thing.

I mean I don’t know about you, but I go to the beach to eat, drink, and sit. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right? It’s a time to leave everyday hassles behind and just enjoy a different life for a couple days. Which is why I don’t need you people who are doing all kinds of exercisin’ at the beach. What is wrong with you? I thought the whole point was to get AWAY from everyday life? I mean do you go inside and open your mail and pay bills while you’re at it?

I was just at the beach recently and in the morning I’m on my way to the store … and to be clear I’m on my way to the store because I have leftover mac and cheese and pulled pork BBQ and I need to buy tortillas so I can make awesomely ooey gooey BBQ pork and mac and cheese quesadillas. And beer. Needed more beer.

So what I don’t need is to look up and see some guy standing on the deck of his beach house doing all sorts of exercises. He’s got those rubber band tension band thingies and he’s just standing there with his arms pushed all the way out … and just holdin’ it. Not to mention he’s dressed like a fluorescent green traffic cone so he’s REALLY going out of his way to be all, “Look at ME! I’m exercising at the BEACH!”

Alright look here Mr. Universe … you’re not better than me just because you’re still “gettin’ a workout in” while you’re on vacation. Truth is you’re probably better than me for a lot of reasons because I’m awful … but this isn’t one of them!!!

And for as bad as that person in, the people who go running on the actual beach are even worse. Because now I’m sittin’ there doing my … you know … eat drink and sit like I’m supposed to go … I got them all right in front of me runnin’ around with their little fanny pack water bottles … keep looking at their watch like they’re timing themselves for a race or something.

Get outta here with this! I don’t come to the gym and sit down next to you and eat a pizza because that’s your “workout zone.” So I don’t need to see you doing a bunch of lunges here in the “eat drink and sit zone.”

C’mon people! Somtimes it’s OK to just … be BAD and have some fun. Stupid work and chores and the gym will be there when you get back. Eat drink and sit!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Parking Lot Waltz

The Parking Lot Waltz

Dear Diary …

I don’t mind a little singin’ and dancin’ … granted I can’t even figure out how to properly Floss, but if you can pull it off … more power to ya. That said … there’s a time and a place for singin’ and dancin’ … especially dancin’ … and that place is NOT the parking lot at the grocery store.

And I know what you’re thinking … “Who’s twerking in the parking lot at the grocery store?” First of all … nobody. Second … that one I’d probably be OK with … because what I’m not OK with is the parking lot waltz.

You know the parking lot waltz … even if you don’t think you do.

It’s when you’re trying to drive to a parking space, and the person walking in front of your car in your way is [[music]] … doing a long … slow … diagonal waltz thru the parking lot. Not a care in the world. And clearly not in a hurry to get anywhere.

You JUST saw me one second ago when you walked in front of my car … but now … [[music]] … that car must’ve just disappeared behind me.

Look … I don’t advocate for running anybody over … but somebody like this at least deserves a light tap to remind them that they are on foot and may want to get out of the way of the giant car. I’m just looking for a little hustle, man. Well … that and a straight line. Walk in it.

Moving on Diary …

I understand this is irrational anger … OK … everything in the Anger Diary is irrational anger … so too bad … we’re here now … I hate “mug cake.” That’s right … mug cake! Really I hate any time the kids discover some sort of food and drink concoction online and then start trashing my kitchen with it, but mug cake is the WORST. Because now they basically just dump some flour, sugar, and chocolate into a mug … and onto the counter … and onto the floor. And then heat it up in the microwave to explode everywhere and make a giant mess.

And somehow they think mug cake also defies the laws of snacks and desserts. Two o’clock in the afternoon …

“What are you doing?”

“Making mug cake.”

“It’s two o’clock in the afternoon. That’s not a snack. That’s a dessert.”

“Yeah but it’s mug cake.”

Hate you mug cake! And especially hate you afterward because that black, over-microwaved chocolate never wants to come off any of the mugs. And yes … I know the kids should clean it themselves, but they conveniently “forget” every single time.

If I told them, I’ll give you $20 if you remind me at exactly 8:47 two weeks from next Thursday … oh they got that one memorized … but “rinse your dishes” … [charlie brown mumbles]

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Zack’s Solves the Supply Chain Crisis

Zack Solves the Supply Chain

Dear Diary …

I am here today to solve the global supply chain crisis. That’s right. ME! Not our world leaders or tech CEO Gods … they’re all busy fightin’ each other or flyin’ into space or whatever. So instead you get … this guy … radio man in southwest Virginia. And while that doesn’t seem like a big enough man for the job, sometimes it just takes one little guy to make a big difference.

OK … here goes … here’s how we solve the supply chain issues …

Stop making new stuff.

There you go … problem solved!

Here’s a little pro tip from a total amateur … if you’re the company that makes Triscuits. And you can’t keep regular Triscuits on the shelves … you don’t need to introduce things like pumpkin spice flavored Triscuits. Nobody wants those anyway!

Just make … gasp … regular Triscuits. In this time of crisis, ain’t nobody looking for “cracked black pepper” anyway.

And if you make white chocolate flavored anything … just stop. The world don’t want your flavor. Spend that time making regular chocolate or just branch out and make car microchips or something. We need those way more than white chocolate anyway.

People … there’s a reason why we’re never out of cauliflower crust pizzas at the store … they’re stupid! Just make the things we actually want and need … and then maybe someday down the road you can have silly extra side products.

And for the love of God we need more regular alcohol at the store! Have you watched the news sober? OK to be fair I don’t recommend watching the news drunk either … but you definitely don’t wanna watch it sober.

We don’t need cotton candy flavored vodka right now … we need whiskey. More whiskey!

There. Supply chain crisis solved. If you’re a company that makes something people want or need … just make it. Don’t be wasting your time on flashy “new and improved” stuff. We just want “old and the same” and we want to see it on the shelves when we get there.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Black Friday Is Dead

Dear Diary …

So we’re about to enter that time of year again where I always ask myself the same question … “Where the heck do all these people come from?”

I don’t get it. We spend 11 months out of the year with the same crowds and traffic patterns, and then all of a sudden in the month of December it feels like there’s about a million more people crawling all over the place.

And I’m not talking about crowds at the malls or something … that makes sense. It’s holiday shopping time, so of course people are doing more shopping than normal. But suddenly there’s also a huge line at the drugstore, Taco Bell, and pretty much just everywhere you turn … people.

Who are these people? And where are they the rest of the year?

I go out and drive around at three o’clock in the afternoon on a Tuesday in July and it’s dead, but make that same drive on a Tuesday in December and suddenly there’s people all over the place.

Who are you???

And where do you go in January?

Do you live in caves up in the hills and you only descend to Christmas ornaments and peppermint flavored things? And is that what you live off of when you hibernate for the rest of the year? I wanna know the answer to the mystery!

And while we’re talking holidays, can I just go ahead and give the eulogy for Black Friday? Cuz it is dead.

Now … not that I was ever gonna be one of those people shoulder-blocking old ladies out of the way for a $20 television, but I will admit there was some charm to this big huge shopping day where everybody got crazier than a cuckoo clock and the deals were insanely awesome. Again … I wasn’t going out there, but I did at least like to hear about it.

But now? I’ve already been hearing for two weeks … “The Black Friday deals have already started and go ALL month long!”

Well then guess what? That means Black Friday don’t matter anymore cuz it’s the same at 29 other days.

You had to ruin it. You had to get all greedy and try to get more sales. So you scaled it back to Thanksgiving. And then … you scaled it back to the Monday before Thanksgiving. And now it’s the whole month.

Well … rest in peace Black Friday. You’re dead.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Pull Up!


Dear Diary …

I’ve said this before, but clearly nobody is listening, so I will say it again … just louder … PULL UP!!!

That’s right … pull up. When you’re at the ATM and you’ve gotten your money … PULL UP. Don’t sit there … “Hey let me put this money in my wallet. Oh … then I gotta put this receipt somewhere. OK … Put the car in drive.”

No … no … no … no … NO!

You do all of those things AFTER you pull up and get out of the way, cuz I’m sittin’ here behind you twiddlin’ my thumbs. Oh don’t mind me … I have ALL the time in world to live by your schedule.

When you’re at the drive-thru … pull up!

I was behind a woman the other day at the drive-thru … and all I can assume is that it was the first time in her life that she had been to Taco Bell, because that’s what it felt like waiting behind her.

SO … many … questions.

Why so many questions?

“The number 4 … what’s in that?”

Ummm … the things on the screen next to the number four? How ‘bout that?

And God bless the person working the speaker, because they then asked the worst possible question … “Can I get you anything else?”

I know it seems like an innocent question that you could ask a normal human, but this was a cyborg who had never used a drive thru before because her response was …

[[SILENCE]]

Yeah this went on for a really long time … I’d say at least 10-15 seconds before she replied …

[[PAUSE]]

“Nah”

Nah??? After all that you deliver a “nah????”

Again … I understand that your life is absent of all meaning and urgency, but some of us wanna shove a beefy Frito burrito in our throats thank you very much!

And finally Diary … If you’re my wife … and you park in our driveway … PULL UP!!!

Look … I love my wife. She’s the love of my life … smart, beautiful, great Mom, business woman … but this chick leaves me hangin’ in the driveway all the time.

You see Diary … we have a driveway that has one row in, but then it splits to two spaces at the end so we can park our cars side by side. The only problem is … she never pulls her car up.

OK … not “never” … but enough times that I come home from work … and there she is … right in the middle of the driveway. “Oh I didn’t know you’d be home yet!”

Yeah … well … I am. And because she’s pulling back out soon to go back to work … now I gotta park on the street like some sort of peasant … or … get back outside and move my car when it’s time to go. Both of those are completely unacceptable first world problems, thank you very much.

Even worse are the times I get home first … park in my spot … only to wake up in the morning to have my car blocked in. Now I gotta play valet driver and move both cars … which at 4am … is torture. (Actually, everything at 4am is torture, but you get the point.)

“Oh I was going to move it later. I forgot.”

Here’s an idea … just PULL UP and park it in the spot to begin with!!! Why are we not just doing that?

Does your car feel happier parked in the middle of the driveway or something? Does it get scared all parked up in the corner?

And I’m sorry … but this is also a HUGE double standard here, because we all know darn well if me … the MAN … was the one doing this all the time … I would be considered the worst husband in the universe. But because she’s the one doing it, it’s more “Aw what’s the big deal? Just move your car and deal with it.”

No! I don’t wanna deal with it! You want equal rights? (And I absolutely agree that you should have them.) Then you gotta PULL UP in order to get ‘em.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Mysterious Light Bulb


Dear Diary …

We all have different hobbies, tastes, and interests. That’s pretty obvious, right? So then why in the world do so many people feel the need to open their mouths about things that they aren’t personally into?

“Never seen an episode of Game of Thrones in my whole life. Don’t care to either.”

[SLOW CLAP]

Oh I’m sorry … I just assumed you were expecting some sort of standing ovation for your impressive declaration of awesomeness.

Last time I checked, “Game of Thrones” didn’t have 260 million people watching it every week, so clearly there are humans in this country that aren’t tuning in to it or “This Is Us,” or “Walking Dead,” or whatever the heck it is.

You don’t watch something? Big freakin’ whoop. But don’t be posting about it like you’re some kind of TV martyr that’s better than the people that do. Something tells me you aren’t reading the encyclopedia during that hour of free time in your life or figuring out how to bring on world peace, so just shut your snackhole and let these people enjoy the things they enjoy.

And while I’m at it … If I post a story about a celebrity, there’s no need for you to reply “I have no idea who that is.” Well congratulations to you, Lord Uninformed. Oh and just in case you were wondering, there IS this thing called “Google” if you wanna find out who the person is.

Moving on Diary … What kind of alien lived in your house before you did? I ask this, because there always seems to be the most bizarre, other-worldy decisions that were made. For example … when you go down to the electrical panel in a house, that thing is NEVER labeled correctly. “Living room” is never the living room, “master bedroom” is a light bulb in the garage, and so on and so on. Not to mention the four or five random unlabeled breakers that are seemingly attached to nonexistent parts of your house. Who labels these things?

And then there’s there’s the products and the fixtures … In my last house the light bulb went out over the oven, so I went to the store to buy a new one. Guess what … of the 247,000 lights bulbs they have at the store … not a single one was the one that fit my oven. It wasn’t even on the internet! THE INTERNET!!!! The place where I can by 20 year old jugs of Crystal Pepsi or a statue of a cat drinking a margarita … but no light bulb replacement for this oven.

Where did they buy this oven … Yugoslavia? How is this even possible?

And yet this seems to happen every time you need a refrigerator filter, or washing machine part, or whatever … your model is magically the model that has weird shaped everything and doesn’t work with anything offered at the store. How did we even make these things in the first place, and why are they always in my house???

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Time Suck Saga

Dear Diary …

Here’s something I don’t understand … EVERYBODY says they’re busy. Ask anyone, “Hey how’s everything going right now?” …

“Oh man … I’m really busy right now.”

Or better yet … ask them to do something …

“Oh man … I’m REALLY busy right now. Sorry I didn’t get back to you right away. Busy busy busy!”

Hmmm … OK …

I get it … everybody thinks they’re busy. And hey … I think I’m busy too. So it all makes sense. But what I don’t understand is … despite CLAIMING they are busy … everybody else sure does seem to like to take up MY time. So how can they really be THAT busy when it seems like all they ever wanna do is have long meetings and boring phone calls with your friend Zack Jackson?

For example …

I had to sit on a phone call last week for work. A LONG phone call. An hour going over all these fancy bells and whistles and functions of our new K92 Radio app. (Download it by the way, because I’m SUFFERING for you enjoyment so DOWNLOAD IT!!!!)

Anyway … I get done being shown all features and blah blah blah … and at the end of the hour the dude says …

“OK … I’d like to go ahead and schedule a follow up call so I can show you the rest. It’ll take about a half hour.”

AHHHH!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!

No more calls. No more times. You had an HOUR. If I can’t learn it in an hour … I DON’T WANNA LEARN IT!!!!

These are things I can’t stand … I call them the “Time Suck Sagas” because they NEVER seem to end.

Think about the times you’ve had something go wrong in your house, and it just becomes this Time Suck Saga. You spend an hour hunting down a person to come to the house, service person comes out, and either they can’t find the problem or don’t have the proper part to fix it. So then it becomes ANOTHER time … and that time comes and goes and the thing still isn’t fixed … and then it’s ANOTHER time … and on and on and on. Hanging over your head and refusing to go away.

Diary … I have an electrical issue in my house with a couple plugs … years … YEARS this thing is going on. Nobody can fix it … they just all say “hey let’s spend a ton of money and rewire the whole house.” NO! Don’t wanna. You find and fix the ACTUAL problem.

It’s all just one giant time suck.

Not to mention the fact that any time you try to have a service done … they’re late … or they don’t show … or they push you to another day.

And they always say, “Sorry .. I got real busy on another situation.”

You know what? Just ONCE … I wanna be this “other” situation. Why are they always ahead of me in the pecking order? You be busy with ME … not them!!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

You Old Dinosaur

Dear Diary …

OK look … I can be brutally honest here.  I ain’t gettin’ any younger.  And that’s OK … I guess. Not like I have a choice.  But where I DO have a choice is that even though I’m getting older, it doesn’t mean I need to ACT any older.

Here’s what I mean by that …

Plenty of people my age … people I went to college with or grew up with or whatever … people that still have plenty of life left to give … they’ve given up.

“Oh I’m too old … I don’t even understand how to turn my TV on anymore.  I have to ask my daughter to do it for me.”

“What’s Tweeter?  I don’t understand this social media.  Bitmojis?  What are those?”

You sound like a fossil.

I mean … is this it?  Are you packing it in for good and deciding to become a lame old person?

If you are, then just quit.  Start boarding the travel bus to Atlantic City so you can go play penny slots with your other blue-haired girlfriends because you’re turning into a senior citizen right before our eyes.

“But I don’t understand.”

What are you?  Stupid?

You’re not stupid.  You’re just lazy and you don’t feel like learning.  So stop it.  You sound like a dinosaur.  Do you want to be extinct? Because I don’t.

And that goes for you too … person who says “All music today is crap” and hasn’t liked a new song since 1979.  I’m sorry … that’s simply not true.  You’re just not bothering to find it.

And guess what?  Back in 1979 there was some fossil that said YOUR music was awful and all good music stopped in 1943.  And now you’ve become that person.  You happy about it?

Here’s the reality … stuff changes.  Always.  Thing are never gonna be exactly the way you grew up with them.  So deal with it and evolve, or just go ahead and pack it in and call it a life, cuz you’re done.

Is that really what you want?

And to the people younger than me … you’re not completely off the hook here either. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret that may shock and amaze you … the world actually managed to exist before precious wonderful you was born.  So learn about it!

“I don’t know that band … that was … like … literally before I was born.”

So?

Learn about them.  I mean … what’s the worst that happens?  You get to find something you like that happened before 1995.  Oh no!!!

You don’t have to let your generation define you … and that goes for every generation … so get to it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

https://youtu.be/8jzFZvK27hY