Dear Diary …
I’m here to help.
Now I know sometimes you might think … “Oh this Diary is just one angry little man ranting about things,” but that’s not the case at all.
Yes I’m angry. And yes I’m ranting about things. And yes … I’m kinda little … but that’s not the core of the Anger Diary. I core is that I’m here to help.
I want to make the world a better place. And lucky for me, I’ve got the knowledge … it’s just a process of getting you to listen to it. I’m just trying to help you during those times where you’re doing it wrong, and I have the right answer.
OK … modesty might not be my strong suit … whatever. But in all seriousness, sometimes I have good advice. Like this … Shut your mouth.
Now I don’t mean … you be quiet … you shut up. That’s not productive. I mean you need to actually … physically … close your mouth hole as you’re walking through life. Because when you’re standing there … just with your mouth open … I gotta be completely honest … you do NOT look like somebody who’s setting themselves up for success.
You don’t believe me? Go to a mirror right now … open your mouth … and then look at yourself.
“Heeeyyyy … Hi.”
Close your mouth? Normal.
“Mahhhhhhhh … bug catchin’ mouth … Mahhhhhh”
I’ll freely admit … knowing nothing about a person … I will judge them … probably unfairly … just because they’re walking around with their mouth open. Think about it … If you interviewed two people for a job … and EVERYTHING was identical about the two people, except for the fact that one sat there with his mouth open the entire interview … who would you hire? Closed mouth guy … exactly!
And I wanna stop this. I wanna give you that chance. I want you to get that job … so take my advice and shut it!
OK … moving on Diary …
As a parent, you want your kids to look up to you. And to a point, you even want them to see you as super-human. That said … you don’t want it to go to the point like my children, who apparently think I’m a magician and they can just have anything they want, exactly when they want it, without any advanced notice.
My daughter just yesterday … I’m in the kitchen making dinner …
“Is dinner ready yet?”
“No. I’m making it right now.”
“But I’m hungry NOW!!!!”
That’s great, but it ain’t ready. It’s not like I can wave my magic wand and … poof … cheeseburger. You have to be patient.
And my daughter … she fights it. And she fights with no logic, because her arguments make no sense. When she whines that she’s hungry and I tell her I’m making it as fast as I can and it’ll be done soon. Her response to me last night?
“Well that’ll take a mile and a half to be ready.”
Huh? Mile and a half?
How do you come back from that? What unit of measurement do I even argue in to prove my point?
I’ll tell you want the point is … I ain’t no David Copperfield. Cuz if I was, I’d be making myself disappear and then reappear on a beach in Puerto Rico while somebody else made you dinner in the first place you ingrate!
Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.