Dear Diary …
Look … I get it. Your kids look up to you as their parents, and deep down they respect and love you, but on a day-to-day basis … you are merely there to serve them. They don’t care about you. You’re just that human that brings them snacks, replaces batteries in their toys, and cleans up all the messes they leave all over the place.
And the television? Yeah. You don’t own that. Your shows are boring. All of them.
Pay no mind to the fact that every kid’s show is categorically awful and annoying. Doesn’t matter. That is all that is to play on the television. And I mean ALL.
And I know this because here’s what happens … I’ll be sitting in the living room, watching some God awful show about nothing … or even worse some YouTube video of annoying people playing video games … and then I realize, “Wait a minute. None of the kids are in the room anymore, and I’ve been sitting here by myself for 10 minutes watching this garbage.”
So I turn it off.
And immediately, what happens? A tiny voice rings out from upstairs …
“Hey … who turned off my show?”
You’re not even in here! Why am I being subjected to your awful shows if you’re not even around??
I’ll tell you why … because I’m The Help. The Help doesn’t need to watch television. The Help should be getting snacks or building LEGO sets or something. The Help don’t got no “me time.” Silly peasant! TV belongs to them … it doesn’t belong to me.
Moving on Diary … we are now to the point where we all have these really fancy (and expensive) smart phones with all these great features … high quality cameras, facial recognition, voice activated robots that obey our commands. And yet despite all these features and all this money being spent … autocorrect is still a giant pile of crap.
You mean to tell me that these phones can practically read our minds, and yet they still think there’s a human on earth that was actually trying to type the word “ducking?” You gotta be ducking kidding me!
Sometimes I don’t think autocorrect is even trying. For example … every morning when I set up the K92 Mornin’ Thang live video feed, I type “Mornin’ Thang” in the description, and autocorrect immediately changes it by adding an “A” and leaving me with “Mornin’ a Thang.” Mornin’ a Thang? What am I, some stereotypical Italian chef who’s “a-makin’ a spicy meatball a-here on the Mornin’ a Thang?”
Give me a break autocorrect! And help me understand why autocorrect will be halfway decent when typing a normal word, but the second you start with a capital letter, it’s like it forgets any semblance of proper spelling and grammar.
“Robot can’t understand with capital letter. Assumes you are spelling some weird first name of your random Russian friend Clovonski or something.”
Listen here smart phone people … iPhone, Droid, or whatever … at this point just give us gigantic batteries and a halfway decent autocorrect. That’s all we really ducking want in the first place!
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye