Dear Diary …
So … we got the Presidential Debates happening. And before you freak out, I’m not actually going to talk about the debate because … well … I want to live … and I don’t want everybod to get all fired up about this person said this or that person did that. I don’t care!
What I DO want you to get fired up about is this … 9pm start time. Too … freakin’ … late.
This is the time of year for all that stuff … debates, prime time football, baseball playoffs … all that stuff starts too freakin’ late.
And don’t you get all, “Aww … old man can’t stay up past 9:30?”
First of all … no I can’t. Second of all … that doesn’t matter. You should still be mad on your own behalf.
What do we hear all the time in the news? “People don’t get enough sleep. A full night’s sleep is the most important thing for you and your health and your productivity at work.”
And then what do they do? Start everything at 9pm and keep you up past midnight.
And here’s their argument EVERY time … What about the people on the West Coast?
You know what? Screw those people!
We don’t even care about out neighbors anymore, so why should we care about these West Coast snoots and their special little time zone? They already get the perfect weather and all the celebrities and great restaurants and Las Vegas … They have enough advantages as it is.
Hey you ever notice how everybody on the West Coast is so good lookin’?
Yeah … it’s because THEY get a full night’s sleep because us idiot East Coasters are catering to their every need! Too freakin’ late!
OK moving on Diary … I hate getting punished for things that aren’t my fault.
That’s the worst. You didn’t do anything wrong, but you still end up being the person that pays for it.
And it stinks in particular with something I’ll call “The Parent Punishment.”
Like the other day when I get home from work and my wife brings our son home from school and informs me … Lennon was rude to me in the car and he has lost his iPad privileges for the day. OK … I gotta run out … I’ll be home in like four hours. Remember … no iPad because he’s punished!
He’s punished? I’M punished because now I gotta entertain him all afternoon!
You wanna dole out a punishment? Fine. But you gotta be there to administer it too.
I wanted a nap, and now I’m sitting having to spend quality time with my child. Gross!
And kids … here’s some helpful advice from your old friend Zack Jackson … would you just LISTEN your parents? Sometimes I swear you just get it in your head that you’re gonna just be a little turd until we’re finally forced to punish you. And whether you believe it or not, we do NOT wanna punish you, because it punishes us too.
I can’t tell you how many times we’re all supposed to go out to some party as a family, and one of the kids decides they’re gonna be a little jerk and then I have to threaten, “We will NOT go to the party if you keep this up.”
I’ll let you in on a little secret … You know what I’m saying on the inside? “I wanna go to a party… please don’t make me stay home with your misbehaving butt!”
So again … LISTEN. Oh … yeah … they’re not paying attention anymore already. Great! Now we’re getting punished!
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.