Dear Diary …
Today I’d like to introduce a new segment of the Anger Diary called “Go Home … Nobody Wants You!” Because there are just some things that … well …
Bananas. Go home! Nobody wants you!
Ugh … bananas. Nobody actually likes these things. They just eat ‘em because they’re cheap or they’re tricking themselves into thinking they’re healthy or something. Or maybe you’re my grandma who couldn’t swallow pills and needed to stick them into a piece of banana. That’s about the only thing they’re good for.
Fruit flies! So if you would like to start your very own fruit fly colony, it’s very simple, just buy some bananas and put them on your counter. You’ll have a bunch of flies in no time!
Or if you’re my wife, leave one on the counter when we go out of town for a week. Then you get to have the New York City of fruit flies living in your house when you get home!
And there’s only one thing worse than a banana … half a banana. Why do I have to constantly see half a banana on my counter? If you don’t want to eat the whole thing … fine … just throw the rest away! They cost like a nickel … so who cares? Cuz again … fruit flies! How we ever gonna get rid of them as long as these mealy mushy half logs are sitting on my counter?
Here’s another one …
Tired Tellers. Go home! Nobody wants you!
It is beyond me why a “tired teller” ever exists in the first place. This is the person you run into that says, “Boy … you look tired!”
Why are you talking right now?
If I AM tired, I don’t need you reminding me. I already feel like crap, and now you’re just confirming it.
And if I’m NOT tired? Well now you’re basically saying, “Hey there … you look TERRIBLE!”
Oh why thank you! What a wonderful compliment!
I mean I would never say to somebody … “Hey you look really fat and bloated today!” So why is this any different?
Didn’t your Momma or that Bambi movie tell you to not say anything if you ain’t got anything good to say?
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye