Dear Diary …
That’s it. I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.
I cannot change another freakin’ diaper!
I can’t! I’m gonna lose it!!
Now I know people got way bigger problems than me … but in that moment … that stinky … doo doo infested moment … All hope is lost.
My son is almost 4 years old, and he still won’t poop in the toilet.
And don’t even waste your time trying to give your “helpful advice” … I don’t want it. Cuz it’s never gonna happen. Total despair!
We’ve tried everything Diary … Really trying to get him to do it. Not trying at all and letting him figure it out “on his own time.” We’ve even tried the wonderful parenting method of lying to him and telling him that the Poop Monster will come in the middle of the night and YANK it out of him if he doesn’t do it in the toilet.
Hey … judge all you want … that method totally worked on my daughter. Poop Monster had her trained in no time.
But my breaking point came last week … when my wife had this brilliant idea “Oh we’re just make him walk around bottomless all day. That’s what Blah Blah did with her kid and it worked because he hated the feeling.”
Yeah well Blah Blah’s kid ain’t our kid, cuz he don’t hate the feeling.
I don’t think he even knows the feeling of when he’s gotta go and how to get it out, because I’m in the living room minding my own business while Bottomless Jones is just sittin’ there on his knees, playing with his toys.
And I look over … and suddenly … AHHHHH!!! … There’s just a log layin’ there.
Shot right out like a sausage being inserted into it’s casing, and it’s just layin’ there on the back of his leg. Still connected to the tap too!
And him … he’s just sittin’ there … playin’ Batman and not even reacting to this disaster scene that’s going on.
You know I never fully understood that whole song with the “Do the stanky leg” … but this seems like a pretty good representation of that.
Oh and Diary … of course I’m calm … cool … and collected.
Oh who am I kidding? I’m freakin’ out … OH MY GOD THERE’S A SITUATION IN HERE! CODE BROWN! CODE BROWN!
So you see what I saying here? There’s no hope. I don’t wanna hear your advice … I just wanna be heard! Ain’t that what ladies say all the time? Well I’m saying it too.
And really it’s just part of the bigger picture of this rant … Why are kids so gross?
And more importantly … Why do they not even care how gross they are?
That’s what blows my mind. I mean just yesterday, I’m sitting on the couch next to Stanky Leg … with pants on this time at least. And he just smells retched … dropping gas bombs left and right. Meanwhile he had just eaten a big bowl of Doritos, so he had Dorito dust all over his face, and now he’s just sucking on his orange Dorito fingers while his entire hand is jammed in his mouth.
Uh … gross. And how does he not care that he’s that disgusting?
You know, don’t bother trying to find a diet plan this January that works best for you. Just sit next to Mr. Sour Fart Dorito Face and you won’t eat for a week.
So jealous of you jerks that decided not to have kids sometimes. Hate you so hard!
Alright well … pep talk over.
Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.