Quittin’ Shoes

Dear Diary …

That’s it … I quit. I’m done! I am quitting one of two things … I’m either quitting all kid activities. Or I’m quittin’ shoes.

And if you don’t think those two things are related, well then you’ve never had kids (or at least ones who’ve worn shoes).

Ugh … it is the single worst activity tied to soccer, baseball, football, dance, or whatever else requires footwear. Because on one hand, you have a parent doing everything they can to get a pair of shoes on to their child. Meanwhile, you have a child who’s single goal appears to be to move around in the least helpful way possible to combat said shoes.

Every … single … time I try to get my son into his baseball cleats he does this weird wiggly, jiggly thing with his kneecaps where he basically turns his lower leg into a piece of wet spaghetti.

Push your foot DOWN!

“I am!”

No you’re not. You’re twisting it all around like it’s some sort of new Fortnight dance called the Noodle Kneecap. Or my other favorite move, which I like to call the “Go Completely Limp and Have Your Entire Body Just Roll On the Floor.”

I’m pretty sure, “had to get their shoes on” is the single most popular reason kids are late to practices and games. And I know this because that’s pretty much the only reason we are ever late.

Diary … I was about to say, “that’s it … I have the perfect solution … we’re only gonna do swimming in our house!” And then I remembered swimming, and what it’s like to try to get a wet bathing suit off an unhelpful child and …. Well … maybe we just quit all activities instead.

Moving on Diary … I’d love it if you could help solve a mystery for me. OK … It’s not really a mystery since I already know it’s a big fat conspiracy instead. But, why is it that far too frequently I will click on a video online, sit thru their stupid 15 or 30 second ad or whatever, and then … oh look … the regular video doesn’t seem to want to work.

So what do you have to do? That’s right. Reload the page.

And what happens next? Another ad starts playing.

Oh well isn’t that convenient? Now you get to make twice the money off of me while I sit here again like an idiot because I have no other choice. It sure is funny how the AD never seems to be the video that screws up, just the real video. Hmmmm.

And by “funny” … I of course mean “not funny” … because ain’t nobody laughing at that. Just like when somebody says, “Hey I have a funny story.” Nope. No you don’t. Never in the history of stories has, “I have a funny story” actually been followed up with a funny story. End the lie!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.