Dear Diary …
I’m sure some people are having it rough today … and I feel for you. I really do. But I had to eat salad the other day with a boo boo on my lip! Can you believe it? The humanity! Every time that vinegary salad dressing hit my lips … It made my boo boo all hurty!
And I know what you’re thinking … “Zack … why were you eating a salad in the first place? Salads are dumb.”
Well guess what … you’re right!
Salads are the worst. None of us wanna be eating ‘em in the first place … we’re just doing it from time to time because we’re supposed to be eating healthy. And don’t you give me this “oh I like salad!” … oh whatever. You might not MIND a salad … But if any human alive was given the choice of salad or pizza and they were both considered “health food,” ain’t nobody picking salad. Ever.
So it tastes stupid … and then it’s quite possibly the least sexy food to eat. Slappin’ and slorpin’ all over the place. Lettuce hittin’ you in the cheek …. Tomatoes sploogin’ their juices all over the place. Drippy salad dressing just trying to ruin your clothes. The whole thing is awful!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … when I die and I get to ask Jesus some questions … I got a lot of ‘em about why all the best foods aren’t good for us. I mean c’mon God … throw us a bone and at least make Cheetos a superfood or something!!!
Moving on Diary … since we’re already talking food … let’s just keep talking food …
And I understand that everybody has different tastes. That is perfectly fine. Not everybody has to like the same stuff. But I will say this … there are certain food rules that should never be broken.
For example … if you take a cheese stick and just bite right into the top of it … you need to go to the doctor because there’s something wrong with you. Who hurt you and made you do such a thing?
And while it may be goofy to sit there and peel off that cheese stick and eat the fuzzy little strings, it just tastes WRONG when you bite straight into it. Now don’t get me wrong, you’re not a mass murderer like somebody who bites into a Kit-Kat without breaking it apart, but I still don’t trust you.
Same goes for “all bite cutters” … I just don’t trust someone who sits down to eat and proceeds to cut every single thing on the plate into tiny bites before they do anything else. And hey … you can do it if you want … but if I was sitting there and you were my financial planner … and you cut your meat into a bunch of little pieces … I’m taking my money elsewhere. You can’t be trusted with my future … you still eat like Mom cuts your steak for you! NO!
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye