Dear Diary …
There are times in your life where you are vulnerable, and you need someone to be there for you. To support you through the tough times and carry you through to the other side. And in most cases, you would think that the people you can rely on the most in the world during these times would be your family.
Through thick and thin … they will have your back and be there for you. Well … that’s a lie.
Because Diary … during MY time of need. My family abandoned me. And they were right there in the house, and yet still managed to leave me stranded. On the toilet. Without any toilet paper.
That is the WORST!
And yes, in a perfect world, I would’ve checked ahead of time and made sure I had the necessary supplies for my journey, but there was a sense of urgency to this … “situation” … and I didn’t have time to check.
OK … that’s not entirely true. I did in my head think to look at the current toilet paper situation, and realized it was low, but then I quickly assessed that “poop my pants” was a realistic option that was gonna happen if I waited any longer, so I threw caution to the wind and thought … “My family will rescue me!”
Now my wife is downstairs … I know this because I was just there. And she was reading a magazine. Which is a very noble cause, but also something that I would classify as “not that busy.” So thankfully I have my phone with me, because … you know … Toilet Candy Crush. So I send her a text, “Hey can you bring me some toilet paper please?”
[[NOTHING]]
No response. No little text bubbles letting me know “I read this and I’m responding.” No pitter patter of little feet on the stairs to bring me my fresh roll. Nothin’
So I call.
Voicemail.
So I call.
Voicemail.
So I call.
Voicemail.
OK … failure declared on that one. In her defense, the vows did cover “richer or poorer” and “in sickness and in health,” but never said anything about “toilet paper over magazine,” so I see where her allegiance lies.
So I then move to plan B … my daughter.
She’s even in her room, which is on the same floor as me. But unfortunately, I know this, because I can also hear Meghan Trainor blaring from her room. Kids don’t listen to adult words anyway, but throw in some music or an iPad from them and you can forget it.
So here I am … like an idiot … full on yelling …
“Need some help in here!”
“Need some help in here!”
No response!
Call the wife again … voicemail.
That’s it. I’m stranded. This is my new life. Just a king on his throne. Deserted by all his subjects. Never to be heard from again until of course the Wi-Fi isn’t working properly … oh you can be rest assured they’ll hunt down my bathroom body down to let me know!
“Can you fix it?”
Get out of here!
So just remember everyone … in your time of need … when you truly need help … don’t bother calling on your family. Cuz they don’t care.
Lesson learned.
Till next time Diary … I say …. Goodbye