Dear Diary …
When you boil it all down … there are only two things in life. “Alone” things. And “not alone” things. That’s it. Whatever you’re doing, it’s either supposed to be with people or without ‘em. And some of the “alone” stuff … yeah you keep that to yourself. We ain’t gonna talk about it, think about it, or even acknowledge that it exists.
But other stuff … man you’re doin’ it wrong.
I’mma tell you flat out … shopping at the grocery store is an “alone” thing. Now look … if you got little boogerball kids with you. They don’t count. As any good parent knows, kids don’t count as people.
Oh … I mean … kids … if you’re listening right now … Uncle Zack just kidding. Mommy and Daddy wuv you so very much and you’re the most important whittle miracle on the planet.
OK … earmuffs right? [WHISPERING] They’re not people!
Anyway … two grown adults have no business being in the grocery store together.
What are you doing?
Do you not realize you’re just … in the way?
And you look ridiculous! Couple of dorks just tooling along with a shopping cart, blocking the path of anything and everything that they come in contact with.
“Oh well we just go to the store as a couple … to spend time together!”
You ain’t ever heard of a restaurant or like a park or something?
Those are couple time activities. The grocery store is a chore. Chores are “alone” things so you can divide and conquer the chores. Like … you standin’ around doing laundry together? Of course not! One person does laundry and the other person vacuums or something. Whatchoo gonna do? Hold hands and vacuum the living room together?
Dorks.
Other things are “with people” things.
If you’re a grown adult … you don’t go to a Disney movie by yourself.
“But I like Disney movies!”
Fine … go volunteer at the Big Brothers Big Sisters or something and take somebody else with you. Ain’t no grown man need to be sitting at “Encanto” all by himself. I’m sure you’re a lovely person, but you’re freaking the rest of us out.
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.