Tag: parenting

Sitting Outside is for Suckers

Dear Diary …

Summertime … we are definitely into it now. And a lot of things are great about the summer … wearin’ shorts, going on vacation, fresh fruits and vegetables at the Farmer’s Market. All those things are good. At the same time there are plenty of things that are totally overrated about the summer … sand, kids being home all the time, and one in particular that I wanna address today … sitting outside.

I don’t know why we think we gotta do it in the summer … But we go to a restaurant and there’s a perfectly comfortable, air conditioned inside. And yet for some misguided reason, we think we gotta say “no thank you” to that, and bake our bodies outside in the hot sun instead.

Sure … there’s a time and a place when it’s great to sit outside, but we’re beyond that now. That’s for a month ago when it was warm. Now it’s hot. Stinky sweaty butt crack, Southern humidity, heat stroke kinda hot … and yet like a bunch of dummies we’re like “Hey let’s sit outside!”

No! Let’s not!

Cuz here’s the deal … at just about every restaurant with outdoor seating there’s like 3 comfortable seats with nice shade, and the rest are one million degrees and just … sweaty. Not good for the person, terrible for the ice cubes in your drink, and downright disastrous for your yummy mayonnaise-laden chicken salad sandwich you just ordered up.

Who are we impressing by sitting out here? If God wanted us to sit outside, he never would’ve invented air conditioning in the first place! Totally overrated!

OK … moving on Diary …

Her e’s something i’m making illegal wehn I’m King of Zackmeria … and I don’t care how old or young you are … crimes against chicken wings will be punishable to the fullest extent of the laws.

Kids are the worst at this. I’ve had to watch my daughter and her friends commit chicken wing abuse time and time again, where we Moms and Dads order delicious chicken wings for everybody to enjoy.

And I don’t know about you … but I can eat me my share of chicken wings. There’s pretty much always room for at lest one more. And there is no bigger travesty than when you want another wing and realize they’re all gone … and then you see it … that wing sitting on some kid plate … with like two tiny bites taken out of it and 90% of the deliciousness just sitting there … RUINED.

“Oh you can just eat it”

No you can’t!

Kid mouths are gross. Even your own kids … but especially other people’s kids. You have no idea why kind of bacteria and boogers they’ve been lickin’ all over that chicken wing. So instead … you gotta just throw that poor wing out. Bye bye little angel … total crime against chicken wing humanity.

So you know what? As a leader … sometimes the right decision isn’t always the easiest decision. Kid … enjoy prison. They’ll learn!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Who’s the Dumbest Person In the World?

Dear Diary …

I am here to definitively answer the following question … Who’s the dumbest person in the world?

And believe it or not, even with billions of people on this earth, there actually is one correct answer to this question.

So … who’s the dumbest person in the world?

You.

Yup. You.

If you have kids … there is no bigger idiot in the world than you … their parent.

I have no doubt that even Albert Einstein … smartest guy … like … ever … little Hans Einstein was probably, “I already know that!”

I can tell my kid something … straight up factual … won’t believe me. But if Mr. Squeaky on Tik Tok says it … “oh man did you hear what Mr. Squeaky said? He’s so smart!” I already said that!

And it’s not that every other kid thinks you’re the dumbest person in the world. Just your kid. I coach baseball. So let me give you a little multiple choice pop quiz … Here we go …

Three kids … No names … so see if you can identify my kid …

Kid A … “Hey I need to you to make this change in your swing so you can hit the ball better.” OK coach … you got it!

Kid B … “Hey I need to you to make this change in your swing so you can hit the ball better.” Yes sir … thank you sir!

Kid C … “Hey I need to you to make this change in your swing so you can hit the ball better.” … I’m doing it already!

Well I’m glad we could have these special times together on the baseball field.

Hey you know what else is dumb … Why do we unplug the toaster?

I mean I know WHY we say we do it … “Oh I wanna be safe … don’t want the house to burn down.”

And that’s great in theory, except for the fact that we leave EVERY OTHER THING IN THE HOUSE PLUGGED IN AT ALL TIMES!

None of those things seem to bother us, but somehow we treat the toaster like it’s an old unexploded land mine from World War 2.

Ooooof … OK … that’s unplugged. We’re safe now!

I mean that’s probably why our kids think we’re stupid, cuz they see us do stupid stuff like that.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

The Story of Noah’s Ark

Dear Diary …

I guess sometimes in order to understand the present, we must look back at the past.  So let’s look back.  WAY back.  Remember the … like … you know … Bible?  Yeah … like I said … we goin’ WAY back.

So in the Bible, there was this dude Noah.  Everybody knows the story of Noah.  God tells him he’s gotta build a big ol’ boat and grab two of everything and throw it on the boat.  So Noah does what God says, saves all the animals and becomes an inspiration to children everywhere in present times.

OK … I know what you’re thinking … “That seems like a little bit of a jump to go 2,000 years into the future and say he’s inspiring children today.  What do you even mean by that?”

Well … I’ll tell you what I mean by that … clearly he’s inspired kids today. And definitely MY kids today.  And not with the whole “hey listen to what God tells you to do” angle, but more in the “make sure you have two of everything” angle. 

Because that’s what they do.  If there’s an open box of Cheezits … definitely make sure to not notice, and open a second box instead.  My whole dang pantry is a tribute to Noah’s Ark … cuz we got two of everything open in there. 

“Oh I didn’t see it!”

You didn’t see the box of Cheezits … right next to the other box of Cheezits? 

And since the answer is “no,” I have to assume all logic is thrown out the door and it is simply Divine Intervention and the story of Noah’s Ark still having an impact today.

So … Diary … while I’m talking about pain and suffering. I mean … I was talking about the Bible.  Have you read that thing?  It’s got a LOT of chapters where some bad stuff goes down.  Who lot of smotin’ and sinnin’ and warrin’

Anyway … I’ve learned that the single most painful question I can ask my son is … “Can you brush your teeth please?”

Sounds like an easy enough request.  Heck … It sounds like a downright pleasant request since I’m asking you to fill your mouth with cleanliness and minty freshness.  But what’s the response every time?

“Ugghhhhhhhh … OKKKAAAYYYYY”

You would’ve thought I had said … “Hey boy … please throw a bunch of needles in your mouth and swish them around for a while.”

See … this is why most kids have breath that smells like hot garbage … cuz they don’t wanna listen to even the most simplest requests.

I tell people this all the time if they’re about to start having kids … be prepared to have a life form that you are in charge or who’s number one goal is to kill themselves and your number one goal will be to make sure they don’t.

Think about it. That’s all they do.  Babies try to fling themselves down the stairs.  Toddlers try to fall down a well. And even when they’re older all they wanna do is drink Sprite for breakfast and stare at their phone 23 and a half hours a day.  Then they get a license and try to drive 100 miles and hour while not paying attention the road.  And then they ask you to go on trips to Mexico with just their friends “cuz I’m old enough to go on my own.”

It’s a wonder any of them make it 18 really.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye

Kids Don’t Deserve Choices

Dear Diary …

I got some free parenting advice. Yup … free! And it’s not because I’m just so dang generous, it’s that I know nobody ain’t payin’ for my parenting advice anyway, so at least when it’s free you gotta listen.

Here goes … if you give your children choices in life. Wrong! Bad parent! You’re screwing it all up!

“But I don’t understand … I empower my young miracles to make their own decisions in their life. I’m helping them!”

No … no you’re not.

And I’ll tell you why … kids can’t handle choices.

I went to the grocery store with my son the other day and we get to the aisle that has Propel in it. If you don’t know what Propel is, it’s one of those flavored waters that comes in a 12-pack and costs $4 million and is probably one of the reasons why I can’t take a nice vacation because I’m spending my whole paycheck on Propel instead because my son drinks like a case of it a week. But it’s better than him drinking soda, so I’ll just have to suck it up and take a second job at Zaxby’s to pay for all of his fancy water.

Anyway … we get to the Propel and I say … “OK … what flavor do you want?”

[PAUSE]

Uhhhhh ….

Hmmm …

C’mon man … what flavor do you want? There’s really only like three you like anyway … so just pick one and let’s go.

[PAUSE]

Ahhhh …

“I just don’t know which one to get.”

Oh my God!

See? This is why they can’t have choices! I could see the steam puring off this poor kid’s skull as his brain was frying at the prospect of choosing Kiwi Strawberry or Grape. And that’s why normally he doesn’t come to the store with me and I just grab the dang thing off the shelf and move on.

Do NOT give them choices!

Here’s a sure sign of a parent that doesn’t know what they’re doing … watch what they do when they have a kid who plays sports and they have to bring snacks or drinks to one of the games for all of the kids. If they bring some kind of variety pack that has four different flavors or options … they are NOT a smart parent. Smart parents bring one option … totally the same for every single kid.

Because when you give them choices you end up with 11 kids who want blue Gatorade and one three bottles of blue gatorade. Not to mention the fact that every variety pack has one flavor nobody on earth wants. Nobody wants orange Gatorade. Or plain Lay’s chips. Or Funyuns. So on behalf of coaches everywhere … stop bringing those stupid things and forcing us to settle all their unnecessary disputes.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The $27,000 Trash Can

Dear Diary …

I have something shocking to reveal about myself. Never in my life did I think I’d become a person of such excess and extravagance, but it is true and I need to accept it and confess it to you. I own a $27,000 trash can.

Crazy right? You probably think I’m making this up, but it is totally true. I never thought I’d get to a position of riches where I would own a $27,000 trash can. And even if I DID end up gettin’ that rich, I still never thought I’d be a person who would spend $27,000 on just a trash can.

But friends … it’s true.

Now … I should point out that this trash can wasn’t originally branded and sold as a trash can, it was initially referred to as something called “a car.”

I originally purchased it with the plans of using it for it’s intended goal … to be a car … but I see now after driving my children all around town for the past six months, this large metallic object on four wheels isn’t actually a car to them, rather a large moving receptacle that is available for all of their filth and garbage.

This car ain’t even that old and there’s just trash all over the place. And muddy footprints on the door and one of the seats has some kind of stickiness on it … almost like syrup. Who had syrup in the car? At no time did I serve pancakes in this automobile, so where did this syrup-like substance even come from???

And don’t even go in the trunk … because that’s actually a $27,000 gym locker filled with baseball equipment, wrestling shoes, gross socks and God knows what else. Actually … God probably doesn’t know what else, cuz he ain’t stickin’ his holy nose in that nasty funkbox to find out.

These monsters simply don’t care! And what gets me the most is they come in the car with a drink or a snack or something, and when they leave the car, they just leave the trash. They don’t even give it a second thought. Empty chip bag can actually be IN their hands and they’ll just toss it on the floor and walk out.

And whatever jerk invented those pouches on the back of the chair … Henry Ford or whoever … yeah I hate that guy. All he did was invent a hidey hole of rotting garbage that you’ll never be able to get fully clean since there’s no way to scoop out all the nastiness that collects in there.

I mean if you told me as a kid that I’d own a $27,000 trash can, I’d be all excited because I’d think I was loaded. Meanwhile I’m scrapin’ together coins just to buy a dozen eggs at the store because they’re about as absurdly priced as this $27,000 trash can!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Stupid Electric Bill

Dear Diary …

When you’re young … you got all these plans about how things are gonna be “different.” A lot of it has to do with your plans for parenting. You say dumb things like …

“Oh yeah … when I’m a parent … I’m in CHARGE! I’m not gonna be one of those parents that prepares like three different dinners a night. The children will do as I SAY!”

Yeah … sure … I remember sayin’ that one too. But then it’s dinner time and you just want these monsters to eat SOMETHING … chicken nuggets … mac and cheese … cat food. Whatever. So you do what you gotta do and that’s fine.

One I always remember was … “I’m not gonna be one of those crazy parents that complains about the electricity bill. That’s just ridiculous!”

OK … but … uhhhh … HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKING LIGHT BILL RIGHT NOW???

What in the world is going on with the gas and electric bills? It’s like all of a sudden they got together and decided to raise the cost buy a million percent or something … not tell anybody … and then it’s … “Hey your gas bill is $600 this month. Surprise!”

I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong.

And I’m sure they got some bullpucky story about inflation or supply chain or having to upgrade the flongometers or whatever … but you should not be able to bend people over a barrel for services that they HAVE to pay for.

Like a Lamborghini … I get it. You can charge a ridiculous amount for it because I can … you know … just not buy it … but what am I gonna do instead of lights? Get candles like I’m Ben Franklin?

And here’s the part that always makes me mad …

Bunch of years ago … I forget the exact time … we had this REALLY mild winter. So people used their heat way less than normal. So you remember what the gas company did? They charged everybody like an extra $20 the next month saying, “well we didn’t take in as much money as normal so we need this for like … uhh … maintenance stuff and things.”

But then on the flip side … if it’s wicked cold one month … I don’t see a “hey we made a lotta money last month” rebate. Do you?

So you know what I’m gonna do about it?

[PAUSE]

Nothin.

Cuz there ain’t nothin’ to do. We can whine about it all we want, but … you want heat? Well there you go.

But hey on the bright side … think of all the money we’re saving right now because eggs are so cheap and affordable.

OK … is it too early to start drinking?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

7 Layers of Sadness

7 Layers of Sadness

Dear Diary …

It is always so hard in our lives to resist temptation … mainly because temptation is AWESOME!  It’s all the best stuff!  Eatin’ … drinkin’ … other stuffin’ … but sadly it’s all mostly bad for you, so you gotta try to resist the temptation. 

Now … not ALL temptation is fun and awesome.  Some of it is a total trap.  You think it’s going to be fun and awesome, but then it ends up being totally overrated and a web of lies.  So today … I’m going to rat out some of those things, so you don’t get duped into doing them.

Because look … there’s a lot of temptation … especially during the holiday season, and you want to make sure you’re spending your time on the GOOD temptations and not the total letdowns.

So … this holiday season … resist the temptation to throw an ugly Christmas sweater party.  I know, I know … you’re thinking, “But it’ll be so zany and fun!”  OK … well … it ain’t.

First … you make all your friends have to go buy an ugly Christmas sweater, and since the internet has caught on to this dorky little trend, those things are EXPENSIVE.  Now you’re dropping 60-70 bucks just to buy something that you KNOW looks terrible.  That’s just wasteful.

Then … you show up at this party and EVERYBODY looks terrible.  Part of the fun of parties is going there and having everybody look cute and awesome so you can all drink too much eggnog and end up doing other temptation-y things under the mistletoe. 

But nobody wants to do do that when you all look unflattering and terrible.  Not to mention HOT.  And not … “Oh that girl of there is hot” … I mean, “Holy crap this heavy ass wool sweater is HOT and I’m about to pass out.”  Face all flushed … sweaty and gross … yeah … this is the worst party ever.  Resist the temptation!

Oh … and when you’re at these holiday parties … please resist the temptation to bring the single most overrated appetizer in the history of food … 7-Layer Dip. 

“But Zack … it sounds so yummy!”

OK … well … it’s not.  Seven soggy layers of things dumped out of a can and onto a plate.  Barf.  I blame Instagram and Pinterest for this one … because you see these 7-Layer Dips that look all pretty, and you think, “Ooooh … I’m gonna make that!”

Problem is, that’s before anybody has touched them.  And as soon as one human takes one chip and scoops that dip one time … it starts to become an oozing sludge of bean juice, sour cream, and salsa water.  When’s the last time you wanted to eat a food that could be described as “wet and runny?”  So why start now?  Resist the temptation!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Your Timing Is Terrible

Dear Diary …

I know we like to say, “Never say never,” but sometimes you CAN actually say “never” because I do believe that NEVER in the history of recorded time, has it ever been a good time when your phone, computer, or app wants to do an update.  Never not once!

Would you like to update your software right now?  No!  No I would not!

Shall I remind you in an hour?  No!  No you shall not!

Your timing is the worst.  And you wanna know why?  You only ask when I’m trying to use you!

Here’s a crazy idea … update when I’m NOT using you.  And yes, I know you can set auto updates, and I DO set auto updates, and yet here we still are, dealing with your questions.

That’s the problem … not everything is auto.  Here’s a crazy idea … 1am … when I’m not doing anything … update everything.

“But we need you to click OK on our 4,000 page user agreement”

Good lord … just steal my thumbprint and authorize it on my behalf!  You steal my privacy for everything else already, so why are we doing this song and dance on a giant document we all know darn well I ain’t gonna read anyway.  Just do the update!

Moving on Diary (speaking of bad timing) …Why does every kid on Earth pick the exact same time to make all of their most important and time consuming life decisions ?  Furthermore … we all know what “time” that actually is … Bedtime.

Every single kid wastes away their entire day … and then five minutes before bedtime …

“I think I need to do my entire science project.”

“Maybe I’ll clean the basement, too.”

I mean just SHOCKING that at the time you’re supposed to be going to bed, suddenly NOW you’re inspired to make all of your life’s decisions.  Perhaps you’d like to do your taxes?   Decide on which college you’d like to attend? Map out some solid mutual funds?  All two seconds before bedtime.

But God forbid you do anything at 3pm … that’s prime “iPad time wasting time” … can’t possibly do anything of value then!

And I’ll be honest … the main reason at play here is … I’M TIRED.  I wanna go to bed!  And is it so wrong of me to want like 15 minutes of grown-up, no kid time without you?  Nah … kids are much happier if they suck you dry of all your waking moments from the second your eyes pop open until the second you fall asleep.

And then on the weekends, when I can actually stay up a little later, I have my daughter coming downstairs … “When are you guys going to bed?”

Later!!  What’s it matter to you? Go to sleep!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

You’re Gettin’ Robbed

You’re Gettin’ Robbed

Dear Diary …

The world is full of thieves. People are constantly trying to steal stuff from you … money, personal information, your valuables. Now … a lot these thieves get caught, which is certainly a good thing. And yet … there is one group of thieves that is basically going unpunished, and this is just downright WRONG. Yeah … you know who you are … women and children!

“Oh no! There’s danger! Save the women and children first!”

Oh whatever! You mean “save the thieves first?” Because that’s actually what they are.

Thieves. Specifically “Charger Thieves.”

Men … you can be rest assured … if you have a phone charger and you aren’t guarding it with your life … it will eventually be stolen by some woman or child when they come across it.

In my kitchen we have two chargers. Chargers that are to be used for my kids’ iPads. And with those chargers comes one rule … leave these chargers right here and never take them anywhere else. Oh who am I kidding? There’s no rule. I may TRY to have that rule, but every time I go to that counter … ain’t no chargers there.

Where are the chargers?

“Oh it’s in my room so I could charge my iPad?”

Um … why aren’t you charging it here like you’re supposed to?

“I don’t know”

And where’s the other charger?

“Oh it’s in my car.”

Why aren’t you using your own charger?

“I don’t know.”

Thieves! The whole lot of ‘em. And it doesn’t stop there. They steal mine all the time too. Oh but yours was closer. So? Go get your own ya thief! Because the same thing happens every time … I can’t find the chargers and nobody seems to know where they are or what happened to them.

And if I had to guess … they’re probably in the same place as all those tupperware lids that seem to go missing and are never matched up to any of the containers in the drawer.

You’re a bunch of thieves and you know it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

I Ain’t Asking For Much

Dear Diary …

As we sit here this morning … not being billionaires because apparently we can’t be the lucky schmuck who wins the lottery .. I just gotta declare on behalf of all of us … C’mon man … I ain’t askin’ for much!

By the way … If you want tips on how to win the lottery, just remember that you gotta buy your ticket from the crappiest and scariest convenience store … in Michigan. Because that’s where the winner always seems to happen. You also gotta be weird lookin’ … probably wear things like checkered shirts and suspenders. And don’t comb your hair. You always want to look a little dumpy when you pick up your prize.

But back to my point … I ain’t asking for much. Ok fine … I’m never gonna win the billion dollar lottery … it’s cool … I can accept that I guess. So in the meantime can I at least get some other lucky benefits in life … like can I stop running over stuff?

That doesn’t feel like I’m asking for much, but apparently it is because I always run over stuff. You can be rest assured that if there’s a nail in the road, I’m gonna be the one to run it over and have it jam into my car tire. And not just nails … last week I had the privilege of being lucky enough to run over a drill bit replacement and have it blast its way into my tire. And yes … I drive on normal roads. You would think I was driving in the middle of a Home Depot with a drill bit in my tire!

I mean you talk about the odds of winning the lottery, but the odds of running over a drill bit replacement AND have it go into your tire gotta be just about the same longshot. But do I win the billion dollar lottery? NAHHHH … I just win the … runnin’ over stuff lottery. Lucky me!

And what the heck is the deal anyway? Where do all these nails come from? Never once in my life have I seen a nail just hanging out, sticking straight up in the road. And yet that seems to be exactly the case every time I run one over. Like how does that even happen.

I should also add that in the same week my wife managed to hit a deer with her car … the second time in a week. So now that’s all jacked up too.

And again … what can possibly be the odds of running over a drill bit replacement … and hitting two deer in the same week … AND having an entire tree fall on your house in the same three month span? But a billion dollars? Nope … those odds are just too impossible to hit. But in this situation … lucky me!

Sweet! I feel so blessed!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.