Dear Diary …
I make most of the meals in the house, and I’m cool with that. This is not where I’m gonna complain about being the chef of the family. I am the chef of the family! And how else am I gonna get more Instagram followers if I let somebody else in my family steal my food porn picture opportunities?
Here’s what I do have a problem with … when I am preparing one of my award-winning meals (all awards selected by me for the “International Zack Jackson Awards” by the way), what I don’t want happening is two minutes before dinner is ready to be served to hear the rumbling around in the pantry of my little rugrat children.
What are you doing in there?
“Getting a snack”
No snacks! We’re about to eat dinner.
“But I’m hungry!”
Good! We are eating in two minutes.
“But I’m hungry right now!”
Well then you’re gonna have to wait 120 agonizing seconds and then there will be food on the table. By the time you stop whining and walk to the table, it’s gonna be there.
“But I’m sooooooo hungry right now.”
Fine … starve!!! Let’s sit here for the next two minutes and see if you wither away into a nutritionless cloud of hunger.
Children are such liars with their hunger. Because what happens next? They get to the dinner table, eat one little mouse bite of something and say, “I’m full. Can I have dessert?”
If you’re full, then you don’t need dessert.
“I’m just full of dinner.”
You’re full of something else actually you liar.
Moving on Diary … since we’re talking about kids … can somebody please explain to me the fascination with bunny ears?
Why do kids think this is funny? Just standing there behind you makin’ bunny ears on your head. We’re not even taking a picture …. And they’re still doing it?
Bunny ears is an amazing study of times never changing. I did it as a kid. My parents did it as a kid. George Washington probably did it to his friends as a kid. And here they are still doing it today.
How do they learn to do it in the first place? And who was that very first person to say … “Hey I’m gonna make it look like you have bunny ears by using my fingers.”
Oh dude … that is legendary comedy! People are gonna be doing this for hundreds of years!!!
I mean … why didn’t it go away like MySpace or saying “on fleek?”
And why do my kids never … ever … get sick of it even though nobody else finds it even remotely funny?
Till next time Diary, I say … Goodbye