The Weenie Parent

Dear Diary …

Here we go again … It’s that time of year where we start tossing around the dreaded “RESOLUTIONS.” Oh boy.

I mean look … it’s great to have goals … but why do we always have to packet it into this dorkified way right at the beginning of January? New year … new you! Yeah whatever … remember New Year’s Day last year? Yeah … that’s still you. You might be a “little improved,” but you ain’t new. Cuz you’re … well … you! Ain’t no Pinterest page full of meal prep ideas gonna REALLY change you.

And I’m gonna be perfectly honest … first week of January … I ain’t inspired to do nothing. I mean MAYBE I can get together enough motivation to put the dang Christmas tree away, but so don’t wanna. Don’t wanna go to work. Don’t wanna go to the gym. Don’t wanna!

But you know what? This ain’t helping. So let me at least try to help because I have a suggestion for a REAL resolution that you SHOULD be able to keep, and will totally help all of us.

Here it is … Resolve to stop being a “weenie parent.” What’s a weenie parent? That’s a parent who tries to shelter their kid from the entire universe, and then freaks out the second their precious little snowflake could even remotely be exposed to something that they’ve deemed as “bad.”

Working in this business where we play popular music and I’m … well … a sarcastic little poopstain with an Anger Diary, I gotta deal with the weenie parent a lot.

“I can’t believe you said the word $%&@!” (and put whatever word you want in there … it doesn’t really matter cuz every weenie parent’s gonna complain about a different one.)

“My 10 year old was in the car and heard it! How could you!!!!”

OK … first of all … I got a 10 year old too. And they heard it too. And you don’t hear me freaking out about the plight of America and how our children are “doomed to such smut!”

“But how do I explain it to them????”

Here’s a crazy idea … just explain it to them.

I let my kids watch “Stranger Things.” And guess what? There’s some colorful language on that show.

So I say … and you can write this down if you want … because it’s pretty groundbreaking …

I say … Kids … Those are bad words. Don’t say ‘em.

That’s it. Pencils down.

And here’s the crazy thing … they don’t use ‘em! I know! AMAZING!!!!

“But it’s bad for them!”

Yeah? So is putting their hand on a hot stove. So what do you do? Tell them not to touch it and they don’t! “Parenting” isn’t the act of hiding your kids from everything … it’s the act of teaching them how to act when dealing with the world.

So quit being a weenie parent that tries to keep your kids in some sort of precious bubble. Cuz guess what? The world is a dirty place … and if you don’t teach them how to deal with that … they’re gonna get eaten alive and it’s your fault.

Why do you think so many grown kids still live at home? It ain’t because of student loans, or the job market, or the cost of rent … It’s because weenie parents didn’t prep ‘em for the real world. You want you kid to be the next one yellin’ “MAAAAA!!! THE MEATLOAF!!!?” No? Well then you better cut it out.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.