Dear Diary …
Today I’d like to introduce a segment called “Why Bother?” This is for all the silly things that we do, that when you stop and think about it, are pointless. Why do we even bother?
Take car alarms for example. What is the point?
“Oh it’s to protect your car from thieves when they try to burgle you!”
Sure … in theory. But I heard a car alarm yesterday … and you know what I did? Nothing! Same thing everybody does when they hear a car alarm … NO-THING!
Actually we don’t do “nothing,” we all do the exact same thing, which is that we think to ourselves “would that person please shut their STUPID alarm off now? It is annoying me!”
That’s all we do. I mean … if they are bein’ burgled … that alarm ain’t helpin’ … so why do we even bother?
OK here’s another one to throw into the “Why Bother?” pile … Car inspections. Can’t we all just agree that we’re beyond this ridiculous sticker? I mean c’mon … the people that do ‘em don’t even wanna do ‘em. EVERY time I ask to get my car inspected, that face they make at the car place and with the eye rolling, it’s the same reaction I get when I ask one of my kids to pick up their toys. “Oh man … why do I have to do it?” Because you’ve got that little sticker with the “9” on it in the window. Look … I don’t wanna be here either. Just inspect the stupid thing so we can move on.
C’mon … we don’t need these things any more.
“Oh but they’re SO important for safety, and emissions, and blah blah blah”
Fine. Then make ‘em easier to get. Put a nerd with a clipboard at a drive-thru inspection place and slap the dang sticker on. 95% of the cars on the road need about two seconds from an eyeball test to pass. And for those of us … myself included … that drive a POS … you can check us out for a little bit longer. There … you happy?
Here’s another “Why Bother?” … Asking men for advice.
Why do women do this?
They ask men for advice, and then all they do is immediately go ask their Mom or best friend the exact same question, and then do whatever that person advises. So just eliminate the middle man … and I do mean the actual man … just boot us out of the way and go right to the source you’re actually going to listen to.
And ladies … It’s your own fault when you complain about stuff like how your man never offers his opinion and all he says is “I don’t know.” It’s because we know … you don’t care about our advice anyway. So skip it.
And finally Diary … Why do we bother with this whole fascination with “secret menus?”
You see posts like this all the time online … “Oh the McDonald’s secret menu has been REVEALED!” … and then for some reason we get all excited like we’ve found buried treasure or something because somebody tells you to “order a double cheeseburger, but then tell them to but a McChicken patty on there too! It’s called the McChickaBurger!”
Yeah … you know what? I can do that to where I just make up silly combinations of ingredients that they have on hand and then give it some goofy name. Hey … order french fries … and then tell them to put chocolate ice cream on them. It’s called McIce Cream Fries!
And I am aware … Dumb name. But the whole concept of the “secret menu” is dumb in the first place.
You do realize, that all your trying to do is add some sort of mystery and glamour to your annoying special orders you’re always trying to get people to do? You … most difficult fast food orderer of all time. That’s all this is.
And difficult special menu person … “They always mess up my order”
That’s because your order is dumb! Order what they have and either 1) Learn to like it, or 2) Pick off the ingredients “you don’t like.”
Or what about this for a crazy idea if you’re so specific about what you can and can’t eat … Make your own food. That way the only person you’re annoying is you.
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye