Screw the Supply Chain

Dear Diary …

I hate excuses. It’s just such a wimpy way to wander thru life. Just accept responsibility for whatever happens and move on. Is that really THAT hard to do? Apparently it is, because we LOVE excuses, especially when we could find big blanket ones that all of society could lean on.

Remember when bullying became the big excuse for everything? Now don’t get me wrong, actual bullying is wrong and needs to be dealt with, but we started using the term “bullying” for everything. All of a sudden you were free to screw up, and if anybody called you out on it …

“They’re bullying me!”

No. You screwed up. All they did was point out that you screwed up.

“But it hurt my feelings. Bullying!”

Yeah … see … that’s what I’m talking about. Or like when everybody started using “COVID” for just about any excuse you wanted. Wanna flake out on plans? COVID. Wanna just not show up to work? COVID. Cheat on your wife? Uhhh …. COVID?

But here’s the one we’re in right now and I am straight up over it … “Supply Chain.”

We use “supply chain” for pretty much any excuse we want.

Why is a loaf of bread $5? “Uhhh … supply chain.”

And why is this shelf empty? “Oh you know … supply chain.”

No! No more supply chain. I get it … just like the bullying thing … there are times where it is the legitimate explanation, but we’re just using it as an excuse to get out of things.

Like let me give the grocery store a heads up right now … when Thanksgiving week gets here again … people are gonna buy more heavy cream, more butter, and more herbs. There! You have ONE YEAR to prepare because I guarantee you that next year people are gonna … again … buy more heavy cream, more butter, and more herbs. This will NOT sneak up on you!

And this is not a post-COVID thing … I remember VERY well that back in 2019 the same shelves were bare. This should not happen! You run a business right? And the goal of your business is to make money, right?

I mean … I’m no Jeff Bezos but if I own a business that sells heavy cream, butter, and herbs … I’m gonna make sure to have plenty of those things available when people wanna buy them so I can MAKE MORE MONEY.

Look at me … giving sage business advice! (Sage .. I should use that … it’s an herb.) Maybe I’ll write a book or something!

So don’t you “supply chain” me anymore. Look … just tell the truth … we don’t really wanna work harder so you’re just gonna get what you get and then we go home for the day. I respect that answer more already!

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye.

Your Timing Is Terrible

Dear Diary …

I know we like to say, “Never say never,” but sometimes you CAN actually say “never” because I do believe that NEVER in the history of recorded time, has it ever been a good time when your phone, computer, or app wants to do an update.  Never not once!

Would you like to update your software right now?  No!  No I would not!

Shall I remind you in an hour?  No!  No you shall not!

Your timing is the worst.  And you wanna know why?  You only ask when I’m trying to use you!

Here’s a crazy idea … update when I’m NOT using you.  And yes, I know you can set auto updates, and I DO set auto updates, and yet here we still are, dealing with your questions.

That’s the problem … not everything is auto.  Here’s a crazy idea … 1am … when I’m not doing anything … update everything.

“But we need you to click OK on our 4,000 page user agreement”

Good lord … just steal my thumbprint and authorize it on my behalf!  You steal my privacy for everything else already, so why are we doing this song and dance on a giant document we all know darn well I ain’t gonna read anyway.  Just do the update!

Moving on Diary (speaking of bad timing) …Why does every kid on Earth pick the exact same time to make all of their most important and time consuming life decisions ?  Furthermore … we all know what “time” that actually is … Bedtime.

Every single kid wastes away their entire day … and then five minutes before bedtime …

“I think I need to do my entire science project.”

“Maybe I’ll clean the basement, too.”

I mean just SHOCKING that at the time you’re supposed to be going to bed, suddenly NOW you’re inspired to make all of your life’s decisions.  Perhaps you’d like to do your taxes?   Decide on which college you’d like to attend? Map out some solid mutual funds?  All two seconds before bedtime.

But God forbid you do anything at 3pm … that’s prime “iPad time wasting time” … can’t possibly do anything of value then!

And I’ll be honest … the main reason at play here is … I’M TIRED.  I wanna go to bed!  And is it so wrong of me to want like 15 minutes of grown-up, no kid time without you?  Nah … kids are much happier if they suck you dry of all your waking moments from the second your eyes pop open until the second you fall asleep.

And then on the weekends, when I can actually stay up a little later, I have my daughter coming downstairs … “When are you guys going to bed?”

Later!!  What’s it matter to you? Go to sleep!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

You’re Gettin’ Robbed

You’re Gettin’ Robbed

Dear Diary …

The world is full of thieves. People are constantly trying to steal stuff from you … money, personal information, your valuables. Now … a lot these thieves get caught, which is certainly a good thing. And yet … there is one group of thieves that is basically going unpunished, and this is just downright WRONG. Yeah … you know who you are … women and children!

“Oh no! There’s danger! Save the women and children first!”

Oh whatever! You mean “save the thieves first?” Because that’s actually what they are.

Thieves. Specifically “Charger Thieves.”

Men … you can be rest assured … if you have a phone charger and you aren’t guarding it with your life … it will eventually be stolen by some woman or child when they come across it.

In my kitchen we have two chargers. Chargers that are to be used for my kids’ iPads. And with those chargers comes one rule … leave these chargers right here and never take them anywhere else. Oh who am I kidding? There’s no rule. I may TRY to have that rule, but every time I go to that counter … ain’t no chargers there.

Where are the chargers?

“Oh it’s in my room so I could charge my iPad?”

Um … why aren’t you charging it here like you’re supposed to?

“I don’t know”

And where’s the other charger?

“Oh it’s in my car.”

Why aren’t you using your own charger?

“I don’t know.”

Thieves! The whole lot of ‘em. And it doesn’t stop there. They steal mine all the time too. Oh but yours was closer. So? Go get your own ya thief! Because the same thing happens every time … I can’t find the chargers and nobody seems to know where they are or what happened to them.

And if I had to guess … they’re probably in the same place as all those tupperware lids that seem to go missing and are never matched up to any of the containers in the drawer.

You’re a bunch of thieves and you know it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

I Ain’t Asking For Much

Dear Diary …

As we sit here this morning … not being billionaires because apparently we can’t be the lucky schmuck who wins the lottery .. I just gotta declare on behalf of all of us … C’mon man … I ain’t askin’ for much!

By the way … If you want tips on how to win the lottery, just remember that you gotta buy your ticket from the crappiest and scariest convenience store … in Michigan. Because that’s where the winner always seems to happen. You also gotta be weird lookin’ … probably wear things like checkered shirts and suspenders. And don’t comb your hair. You always want to look a little dumpy when you pick up your prize.

But back to my point … I ain’t asking for much. Ok fine … I’m never gonna win the billion dollar lottery … it’s cool … I can accept that I guess. So in the meantime can I at least get some other lucky benefits in life … like can I stop running over stuff?

That doesn’t feel like I’m asking for much, but apparently it is because I always run over stuff. You can be rest assured that if there’s a nail in the road, I’m gonna be the one to run it over and have it jam into my car tire. And not just nails … last week I had the privilege of being lucky enough to run over a drill bit replacement and have it blast its way into my tire. And yes … I drive on normal roads. You would think I was driving in the middle of a Home Depot with a drill bit in my tire!

I mean you talk about the odds of winning the lottery, but the odds of running over a drill bit replacement AND have it go into your tire gotta be just about the same longshot. But do I win the billion dollar lottery? NAHHHH … I just win the … runnin’ over stuff lottery. Lucky me!

And what the heck is the deal anyway? Where do all these nails come from? Never once in my life have I seen a nail just hanging out, sticking straight up in the road. And yet that seems to be exactly the case every time I run one over. Like how does that even happen.

I should also add that in the same week my wife managed to hit a deer with her car … the second time in a week. So now that’s all jacked up too.

And again … what can possibly be the odds of running over a drill bit replacement … and hitting two deer in the same week … AND having an entire tree fall on your house in the same three month span? But a billion dollars? Nope … those odds are just too impossible to hit. But in this situation … lucky me!

Sweet! I feel so blessed!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Down With Healthy Snacks

Dear Diary …

Last week I made a declaration in the house … we … are going to have … more healthy snack options!

If I’m being honest, I may have just had a little bit of a hissy fit with the kids over their snacks, but I was sick of it. Dang kids will go thru a box Cheezits in a day … bag of Takis in like an hour.  Shoot we bought a bag of these peanut butter chocolate things … gone in less than 24 hours. 

I looked at the package … ten servings.  TEN!  And while I disagree with those dumb serving size suggestions, that’s still way too many.  Plus … I didn’t get none!  No fair!

So I made the decision … that … is IT.  When I go to the store this week I shall be purchasing … healthy snacks.  You don’t like it?  Too bad … you don’t buy or pay for the groceries … so eat a piece of celery and be quiet.

So Diary … I am here to report as we go thru our first week of healthy snack options … it stinks.  I hate it!!!  Man these snacks suck.  Handful of nuts … piece of celery … carrots … BOOOO!!! What am I?  Some kind of animal in a petting zoo? 

And I don’t care what anybody says … these snacks don’t fill you up.  They just leave you sad and unfulfilled … like eating soup for dinner and trying to claim it’s a meal.  [[Hey Monica!]]

And it is just dang disrespectful by God to create us … then create all these wonderful foods .. and then tell us not to eat ‘em and we’re gonna die and to go eat quinoa instead.  Quinoa is even spelled all stupid … how dare you do this to us!

Also … Diary … when it comes to delicious and unhealthy things … there is no bigger downer on earth then when that unhealthy treat isn’t as good as it should be.  I had a burger recently … cold.  Cheese wasn’t even melted. 

So now … here I am eating this underwhelming burger (and yes I ate it because it’s still better than kale) … but now I’m getting all the bad food calories … but none of the bad food enjoyment.  Again … BOOO!!!

And and one more thing God … yeah I’m talkin’ to you … cuz I know you’re listening right now …

Why are burgers like two bites less than they should be?  Every time I eat a wonderful and delicious burger, it’s always done and … mmm … I want like two more bites.  And not a second burger or a second patty or whatever … that’s too much.  Just two more bites.  Is that too much to ask??

And don’t tell me just to get another burger and only eat two bites of it, cuz you and I know that ain’t never gonna happen.  I’ll eat myself grossly full before I let that meat go to waste!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Anger Diary That Never Happened

Dear Diary …

I’ve been writing in this Anger Diary for a long long time … and I’ve always had one problem pretty much since I started. And no, that problem isn’t me worrying about having something to write about. Fortunately for me (and unfortunately for the world), there’s always dumb people doing dumb things. So there’s pretty much always something to put in the Anger Diary.

The problem is … people and their “feelings.” There’s all sorts of things I totally want to write about, but I can’t, because the person I wanna call out in the Diary is too sensitive, or is gonna get all butt hurt, or they’re 9 years old and apparently it’s “mean” to put a child on blast in public. Ugh … fine! I won’t do it … but just know that you are totally ruining the enjoyment of everyone else!

Like right now … I have this GREAT Anger Diary I want to write that’s all about [mumbles] and the [mumble mumble] that they did the other day. But I can’t do it because then they’re gonna hear it and be all, “What? Why would you say that about me?”

And then I would have to lie and be all, “Oh no … it’s not true. I was just making that up for the Anger Diary!” When in fact it was TOTALLY true, and now you’re just making me be a liar to preserve your feelings.

That’s the thing man, we’re too sensitive now and I don’t like it. And it’s not that I think we should be mean to each other for no good reason, but if you are a dummy and you’re acting a fool, why can’t I let you know that? You’d think people would WANT to be told that they were doing something stupid so they would stop doing it, but noooooo … now you make one co-worker or kindergartener cry and YOU’RE the bad guy.

Sheesh!

So yeah … this is the Anger Diary today … talking about how there’s something I WANT to talk about, but not actually telling you what it is. Feel unfulfilled? Feel ripped off? Well that’s YOUR fault, cuz you’re “feelings” are the thing that prevented this from happening.

And now I’m totally still gonna have to lie because everybody I know is now gonna say “so who was it that you wanted to talk about … was it me?” Nooo … of course not … it was totally somebody else.

(It was you.)

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Two of Everything

Dear Diary …

Now I’m not one to get into religious arguments with … well … ANYBODY. I’m not sure why anyone thinks that’s a good idea. You believe whatever it is you wanna believe. I’ll believe whatever it is I wanna believe. And from there I don’t even wanna say, “We can agree to disagree,” cuz even that doesn’t happen. Instead let’s just … ignore.

However, I do have a bone to pick with the Bible … particularly this Noah dude and his Ark. And the whole story is fine, but I feel like I got him to blame for this “two of everything” problem I now have in modern times.

Let me tie this all together for you …

As you probably know … God told Noah to take two of everything and toss it on his Ark while he made it rain. Cool. Thanks Noah … you saved the day and zoos everywhere can show off some camels to everybody today.

But the problem is the youth of the world have taken this “two of everything” concept too far because now when I go into my pantry, it looks like the Noah’s Ark of open snacks. Open box of Cheezits here … hey look! … a second open box of Cheezits there. There’s two of everything open in here.

And when I ask the heathens … I mean children … I hear things like “I didn’t see it.” You didn’t see the open box? Right next to the other box????

Or this one … “Well that one was ALMOST empty.”

Yeah? Well then that means it was ALMOST time to open a second box, but IT WASN’T TIME YET !!!!

Look man .. I like eatin’ fresh slices of bread as much as anybody, but this is a good learning moment sometimes life hands you the butt end of the bread and you gotta make a butt sandwich out of it. So sit there and eat it! Put that in the Bible … that’s a life lesson!

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

I Ain’t No Dummy

Dear Diary …

I’m a big boy. I can handle it. We’re in a stupid recession right now. And whether it’s “officially” a recession or whatever, the fact is that things are stinkier right now vs. when they are more awesome. (See … that’s the scientific definition.)

Reality is … markets are down, pennies are being pinched, and stuff is more expensive. And that’s fine … OK it’s not “fine,” but it’s the reality … so at the very least can I ask you not insult my intelligence about all of this?

Like go to the grocery store … these paper towel people have got some nerve. Now … you go to buy what you think is the “big” pack of paper towels because it’s got FOUR rolls ALL the way across the package … and then … nothin’. Ain’t no back part to this. Used to be a back part to this. And it used to be just two or three in the front … but there was a back part.

So now they’re over here treatin’ us like dummies because there’s LESS rolls, but they just make the packaging longer. Hey stupid consumer … look how long this is! You’re excited to buy it! Oh … and it costs as much as when there was a back part … there just ain’t no back part anymore!

And let me just add … when they say this garbage about “double roll … TRIPLE roll!” … in comparison to what???? Cuz it ain’t in comparison to a normal roll. So yeah it’s twice as much as some weird baby roll that you bought on the internet during COVID, but that’s about it.

I understand in many different industries why the price has been forced upward because of their rising costs behind the scenes as well as lost income during the pandemic, but I remember the pandemic … and you know who didn’t have any problem making money? Paper towel and toilet paper people!!!

I don’t like being treated like a dummy. I also don’t like being treated with attitude by robots. These credit card machines now … very pushy and moody and I do not appreciate it. First they tell you to put your card in and then pull it right back out, but then they tell you to put it back in because “well it’s got a special chip.” I am aware of that … which is why I put it in in the first place!

Then it’s all “do not remove card …. Do NOT remove card” and one second later … BAMP BAMP BAMP BAMP … remove card … remove card … remove card!

You need not force yourself upon me and change your tone so quickly when I’m over here following your stupid instructions in the first place. This is how we’re going to become the robot slaves … they’re just conditioning us now with their little bells and whistles soon enough we’re not gonna even notice that we fully serve our machine overlords. It’s already too late!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Don’t Nanny State Me

Dear Diary …

I am a responsible person. I do the right thing. I take the right precautions. I’m cool with that.

BUT … I don’t wanna be told to do those things.

I don’t need big businesses and the government “Nanny State-ing” me and always telling me what to do. Oh and I know they’ll be all, “We just want you to be safe because we love you so much.” Bull pucky!

Like for example … I wear my seatbelt. I wanna be safe in the car and in case I get in an accident, I wanna be protected. Heck, I’ve BEEN in an accident, so I definitely wanna have my seatbelt on. But what I don’t need is this …

{ALARM SOUND}

This is the alarm … in my car when you don’t wear your seatbelt.

And it just keeps getting faster … and louder … and more annoying … and does … not … STOP!!!

OK it does actually stop … but only after five minutes of that torture (I sat thru it to find out).

So here’s the thing … I wear my seat belt … I think everybody should wear their seat belt … but that alarm makes me NOT WANT TO WEAR MY SEATBELT simply because I don’t wanna be told what to do by some stupid alarm.

Cuz here’s the thing … you don’t wanna wear your seatbelt? Fine. I don’t really care. It doesn’t change my day … but neither of us should have to deal with ding-dong the annoying robot alarm simply because a car manufacturer is trying to cover their own butt if you get in an accident, “Well we have an alarm so they wear it!”

Don’t Nanny State me!

My car also does this … if you’re driving for an extended period of time … like I went to South Carolina a couple weeks ago … this little bell goes off and then on the console it says, “Would you like to take a break?”

No I would not like to take a break. I am trying to get somewhere and make good time. Do you not understand the importance of making good time? I’m not tooling along the road … wandering aimlessly and looking to stop at a lovely country store that I drive past. Leave me alone!

There’s no need for these warnings because there’s already two kinds of people in the world … the responsible ones and the irresponsible ones. The responsible ones are already doing the responsible things. And the irresponsible ones? They’re NEVER gonna listen and I’m sorry to be cold here … but shouldn’t we lose a few of them along the way to make all of our lives easier anyway? Why we going out of our way to protect the stupid? Unnecessary!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Merry Christmas!

Dear Diary …

OK everyone … don’t freak out. Don’t go crazy. Don’t get all mad. But I am here to tell you … Merry Christmas!

OK OK … it’s not exactly that, but I am here to talk you off the ledge when you go to the store this week and you see … GASP … Christmas stuff for sale! Oh heavens to Betsy!

What I need you to do is resist the temptation to get all mad and immediately take a picture and run to your social media and post it and say “I can’t believe they already have Christmas stuff out at the store! It’s too early!”

Alright … just stop. Let it go.

Cuz here’s the deal … it’s not too early.

Yeah … it’s too early to put your tree up or start decorating your yard, but it’s not too early to start buying stuff. Why? Because it’s never too early to buy stuff. Because when you want stuff … just buy it!

Ain’t nobody freaking out in February when they’re selling shorts at the Gap. “I can’t believe they’re already selling shorts! It’s not even spring!”

Look … they put it out there because sometimes you wanna buy shorts in February and sometimes you wanna buy Christmas stuff in September. They got winter coats for sale right now. Ain’t nobody lighting torches and marching the streets in protest over that.

You don’t wanna buy Christmas stuff right now? Fine. Don’t. But maybe somebody else does.

I just bought a refrigerator over the weekend. So now I have no need to shop for one for hopefully a REALLY long time. But I’m not mad if they’re still out there for somebody else to buy. The universe doesn’t revolve around just you. Some people wanna get that stuff out of the way … or maybe they’re excited for the holidays. Who really cares the reason? If that’s not for you .. then don’t bother.

I think pumpkin spice is nasty. But … some basic person with their autumn knit cap on is super excited about it. Great! Have at it!

There’s Christmas-themed stores that are open year round. And if you don’t like it … then don’t go there. Nobody’s forcing you. Do your own thing and move on!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.