The Bready Disaster

Dear Diary …

Something I never understand is why we let certain things exist even though they are completely dumb or just flat out wrong. And yet … we do absolutely nothing to correct it, and just go about our lives putting up with it.

Over the weekend I made sausages. Now … I don’t go making no sausages from scratch with giant tubes and whatnot. I bought sausages … made some peppers and onions … throw ‘em on a sub bun … and whop-PEOM … sausage and peppers.

Here’s the problem … the sub bun.

Bread has been around since … like … you know … Jesus … but in all that time we still allow that when you buy sub buns … and hot dog buns are like this too … if you buy ones that are pre-sliced, it is done in a way where 95% of the bun is on one side of the slice, and then this thin, wispy little bread layer is left on the other side. And from there … disaster is guaranteed 100% of the time and your bun is falling apart and sausage is splooging all over the place while you try to eat.

WHY?

There is no reason for this!

Just slice it evenly down the middle and we don’t have a problem. There is not a human alive that wants it the way we currently do it … so why is this OK?

Here’s another one …

I went to the store recently because I have a drill … and the battery on the drill is dead. So I go to buy a replacement battery.

And guess what I learned?

Replacement batteries for your drill cost more than just BUYING A NEW DRILL that comes with a brand new battery!

HUH?

And I tell this story to somebody and they say, “Oh yeah, that’s a thing.”

Why is that “a thing?”

Like I don’t understand the reasoning at all. Why am I getting more stuff for less money? And why am I paying more money for less stuff?

If I need new tires for my car, they don’t cost $32,000.

It just seems so simple … and yet here we are making it harder on ourselves for no reason.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Stupid Electric Bill

Dear Diary …

When you’re young … you got all these plans about how things are gonna be “different.” A lot of it has to do with your plans for parenting. You say dumb things like …

“Oh yeah … when I’m a parent … I’m in CHARGE! I’m not gonna be one of those parents that prepares like three different dinners a night. The children will do as I SAY!”

Yeah … sure … I remember sayin’ that one too. But then it’s dinner time and you just want these monsters to eat SOMETHING … chicken nuggets … mac and cheese … cat food. Whatever. So you do what you gotta do and that’s fine.

One I always remember was … “I’m not gonna be one of those crazy parents that complains about the electricity bill. That’s just ridiculous!”

OK … but … uhhhh … HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKING LIGHT BILL RIGHT NOW???

What in the world is going on with the gas and electric bills? It’s like all of a sudden they got together and decided to raise the cost buy a million percent or something … not tell anybody … and then it’s … “Hey your gas bill is $600 this month. Surprise!”

I’m sorry, but that’s just wrong.

And I’m sure they got some bullpucky story about inflation or supply chain or having to upgrade the flongometers or whatever … but you should not be able to bend people over a barrel for services that they HAVE to pay for.

Like a Lamborghini … I get it. You can charge a ridiculous amount for it because I can … you know … just not buy it … but what am I gonna do instead of lights? Get candles like I’m Ben Franklin?

And here’s the part that always makes me mad …

Bunch of years ago … I forget the exact time … we had this REALLY mild winter. So people used their heat way less than normal. So you remember what the gas company did? They charged everybody like an extra $20 the next month saying, “well we didn’t take in as much money as normal so we need this for like … uhh … maintenance stuff and things.”

But then on the flip side … if it’s wicked cold one month … I don’t see a “hey we made a lotta money last month” rebate. Do you?

So you know what I’m gonna do about it?

[PAUSE]

Nothin.

Cuz there ain’t nothin’ to do. We can whine about it all we want, but … you want heat? Well there you go.

But hey on the bright side … think of all the money we’re saving right now because eggs are so cheap and affordable.

OK … is it too early to start drinking?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

You’re Awful. Deal With It

Dear Diary …

Oh man … here we go again. That time of year where we all lie to ourselves.

“It’s January and I’m going to start fresh and make all kinds of changes!”

Yeah yeah yeah … feel like I heard this one before.

Ugh it’s so annoying … gotta look at a work refrigerator with a bunch of yogurts in it. See a bunch of randos at the gym. Listen to dumb phrases like “New year … new you!” over and over again.

Look … people … can we just face the facts here? You’re awful. And that’s OK!

I’m not saying I’m any better … I’m awful too, but what DOES make me better is that I am at least honest with myself … recognize that I’m awful … and lean into it.

Let me tell you a story about burritos …

For the longest time, I used to heat up a breakfast burrito for … well … breakfast. Tasty, easy, satisfying. But then one day my stupid brain said, “Boy we should really start the day with something healthy, wealthy, and wise.” And me, since I’m a idiot, listened to my brain and said “No more burritos! We will now have things like yogurt … or oatmeal!”

And I am here to report that after doing that for the last bunch of months … I hate it!

Yogurt is so dumb. Like who in their right mind would say … Hey you know what I want for breakfast? Something white, creamy, and tangy. Barf!

And oatmeal? Who am I … Oliver Twist? Please sir … can I have some more? I don’t wanna feel like I’m eating like poor people from the 1800’s or those sad gray humans who were fighting in the Matrix. Oatmeal and gruel are the same thing … nuff said!

And here’s the other thing … it’s not like I looked any different because of my super amazing sad breakfast of health. I looked exactly the same … just felt less satisfied every morning.

Sooo … I’m going back to burritos!! And guess what? I am eating one right now … and it is delicious … and I am not sorry about it at all!

Stop lying to yourself and acting like you’re some sort of perfect human. Just be the same awful person that you always were … and be the best dang awful person you can be. Like somehow you’ve healed all the woes of the universe because you did Dry January? Cuz all you do is go right back to Wet February anyway … so really … you’re just a fraud for a month and none of us should trust you.

Do YOU wanna trust someone who claims they have changed, but deep down knows that they’re just living a lie and are going to go right back to their old ways in a couple weeks? Of course you don’t.

So to my fellow horrible humans I say this … go out there and be terrible … it’s way more fun and genuine anyway.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Pentatonix is the Devil

Dear Diary …

I know this is gonna rub some people the wrong way because they’re all popular and for some warped reason people actually like them, but Pentatonix is the devil. And if you don’t know who Pentatonix are … oh my God you’re so lucky … can I live in your cave with you please?

But if you don’t actually know … they’re that accapella beatboxin’ bee-boppin’ whozomijanglin’ group of doofuses that won some kind of show … I don’t know … the Voice … or Sign Off … or America’s Got a Headache … one of those things … and they’re basically best known for destroying Christmas songs.

OK look … I’m not a hater … (OK … I’m totally a hater) … but I just wanna be clear … they’re super talented. Way more talented than me. But their talents are being used for evil, because they just HURT when I hear ‘em.

Diary … I love Christmas music … but when I got my Christmas music on I want …

[[[CHILL XMAS MUSIC STARTS[]]]

Ohhh yeah … there it is. Let’s hang out by the fire … have some egg nog … Merry Christmas baby.

But then all of a sudden you get … [[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA]]

Ugh! Why are there so many people? Singing all at the same time!

[[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA / MORE FA LA LA-ING]]

Ugh! So many fa-la-la’s … stop!

You see what I’m talking about? It’s like a headache. Why do they have to be … so … just … [[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA]] … THAT?

Again … they’re talented … but I don’t want my Christmas music sounding like the loudest episode of “Glee.”

[[CAROL OF THE BELLS STARTS]]

And this one … there’s so many people making noise … all at the same … and who’s this low talkin’ guy?

Alright that it! Christmas is cancelled!

I’m sorry ya’ll … they stink. I’ve been to middle school Christmas concerts that were less hurty than Pentatonix. Even the name … it’s so SHARP … PPPP … PEN … TA … TON … Golf tee in your temple.

OK I can’t take it anymore. I’m outta here. Till next time Diary … I say … [[FA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA]]

Ugh.

Bye.

Are We Shakin’ or Not?

Dear Diary …

OK … we’re going to have to come to an official decision here. Back in the day we used to shake hands. And when I say “back in the day,” I of course mean “before COVID.”

When COVID happened, the handshake was pretty much the first thing to go bye bye (unless you were some weirdo doing to whole “I’m French so let me kiss you on each cheek” thing … that was RIP #1). And it’s fine that the handshake went away too … I totally get it. We were wicked scared of COVID, so we didn’t do it any more.

But now here we are a couple years later, and yes I know we can still sit here and say “COVID is serious, we need to take it as seriously as ever,” and that’s fine too, but we’re also definitely not wicked scared of it anymore.

So I gotta ask … are we shaking hands or not?

I really don’t care either way, but what I’m sick of is the awkward “handshake/fist bump/which one you going in for and am I gonna be able to guess right and not have it be weird?” … that thingamabobber we got going on right now. I hate it! It’s like playing the Rock, Paper, Scissors Grown Up Greeting Version.

One … two … three … shoot!

Ahh … you threw “fist bump” my bad!

And I’m totally fine with just banning the handshake forever. Too many times it’s all jacked up anyway because you get a bad grab, or you mess up trying to figure out how hard you shake the hand of somebody of the opposite sex, or … you know … COVID. So can we just agree on it, make an official decision, and move on?

Also … can we just agree … that while it WAS a good idea at the time, we don’t really need all of these curbside pickup parking spaces anymore?

At the grocery store? Sure.

But we don’t need three designated curbside pickup spots at the liquor store anymore. I ain’t seen a single human use those things in months, outside of me of course because I’m just parking in them now. Whatchoo gonna do about it? Tow me?

The other ones that are ridiculous are the ones taking away parking spaces on city streets. Nobody needs those anymore!

And as somebody who knows the restaurant industry, I can promise you right now that 99% of restaurants don’t even wanna deal with curbside pickup anymore. They’re already short handed INSIDE, they don’t need to try to run food outside to some random person. And be honest … anybody using that service right now ain’t doing it because they tested positive for COVID, they’re doing it because they tested positive for “lazy.”

It was a perfectly good idea in the moment, but it’s time to move on.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

7 Layers of Sadness

7 Layers of Sadness

Dear Diary …

It is always so hard in our lives to resist temptation … mainly because temptation is AWESOME!  It’s all the best stuff!  Eatin’ … drinkin’ … other stuffin’ … but sadly it’s all mostly bad for you, so you gotta try to resist the temptation. 

Now … not ALL temptation is fun and awesome.  Some of it is a total trap.  You think it’s going to be fun and awesome, but then it ends up being totally overrated and a web of lies.  So today … I’m going to rat out some of those things, so you don’t get duped into doing them.

Because look … there’s a lot of temptation … especially during the holiday season, and you want to make sure you’re spending your time on the GOOD temptations and not the total letdowns.

So … this holiday season … resist the temptation to throw an ugly Christmas sweater party.  I know, I know … you’re thinking, “But it’ll be so zany and fun!”  OK … well … it ain’t.

First … you make all your friends have to go buy an ugly Christmas sweater, and since the internet has caught on to this dorky little trend, those things are EXPENSIVE.  Now you’re dropping 60-70 bucks just to buy something that you KNOW looks terrible.  That’s just wasteful.

Then … you show up at this party and EVERYBODY looks terrible.  Part of the fun of parties is going there and having everybody look cute and awesome so you can all drink too much eggnog and end up doing other temptation-y things under the mistletoe. 

But nobody wants to do do that when you all look unflattering and terrible.  Not to mention HOT.  And not … “Oh that girl of there is hot” … I mean, “Holy crap this heavy ass wool sweater is HOT and I’m about to pass out.”  Face all flushed … sweaty and gross … yeah … this is the worst party ever.  Resist the temptation!

Oh … and when you’re at these holiday parties … please resist the temptation to bring the single most overrated appetizer in the history of food … 7-Layer Dip. 

“But Zack … it sounds so yummy!”

OK … well … it’s not.  Seven soggy layers of things dumped out of a can and onto a plate.  Barf.  I blame Instagram and Pinterest for this one … because you see these 7-Layer Dips that look all pretty, and you think, “Ooooh … I’m gonna make that!”

Problem is, that’s before anybody has touched them.  And as soon as one human takes one chip and scoops that dip one time … it starts to become an oozing sludge of bean juice, sour cream, and salsa water.  When’s the last time you wanted to eat a food that could be described as “wet and runny?”  So why start now?  Resist the temptation!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Screw the Supply Chain

Dear Diary …

I hate excuses. It’s just such a wimpy way to wander thru life. Just accept responsibility for whatever happens and move on. Is that really THAT hard to do? Apparently it is, because we LOVE excuses, especially when we could find big blanket ones that all of society could lean on.

Remember when bullying became the big excuse for everything? Now don’t get me wrong, actual bullying is wrong and needs to be dealt with, but we started using the term “bullying” for everything. All of a sudden you were free to screw up, and if anybody called you out on it …

“They’re bullying me!”

No. You screwed up. All they did was point out that you screwed up.

“But it hurt my feelings. Bullying!”

Yeah … see … that’s what I’m talking about. Or like when everybody started using “COVID” for just about any excuse you wanted. Wanna flake out on plans? COVID. Wanna just not show up to work? COVID. Cheat on your wife? Uhhh …. COVID?

But here’s the one we’re in right now and I am straight up over it … “Supply Chain.”

We use “supply chain” for pretty much any excuse we want.

Why is a loaf of bread $5? “Uhhh … supply chain.”

And why is this shelf empty? “Oh you know … supply chain.”

No! No more supply chain. I get it … just like the bullying thing … there are times where it is the legitimate explanation, but we’re just using it as an excuse to get out of things.

Like let me give the grocery store a heads up right now … when Thanksgiving week gets here again … people are gonna buy more heavy cream, more butter, and more herbs. There! You have ONE YEAR to prepare because I guarantee you that next year people are gonna … again … buy more heavy cream, more butter, and more herbs. This will NOT sneak up on you!

And this is not a post-COVID thing … I remember VERY well that back in 2019 the same shelves were bare. This should not happen! You run a business right? And the goal of your business is to make money, right?

I mean … I’m no Jeff Bezos but if I own a business that sells heavy cream, butter, and herbs … I’m gonna make sure to have plenty of those things available when people wanna buy them so I can MAKE MORE MONEY.

Look at me … giving sage business advice! (Sage .. I should use that … it’s an herb.) Maybe I’ll write a book or something!

So don’t you “supply chain” me anymore. Look … just tell the truth … we don’t really wanna work harder so you’re just gonna get what you get and then we go home for the day. I respect that answer more already!

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye.

Your Timing Is Terrible

Dear Diary …

I know we like to say, “Never say never,” but sometimes you CAN actually say “never” because I do believe that NEVER in the history of recorded time, has it ever been a good time when your phone, computer, or app wants to do an update.  Never not once!

Would you like to update your software right now?  No!  No I would not!

Shall I remind you in an hour?  No!  No you shall not!

Your timing is the worst.  And you wanna know why?  You only ask when I’m trying to use you!

Here’s a crazy idea … update when I’m NOT using you.  And yes, I know you can set auto updates, and I DO set auto updates, and yet here we still are, dealing with your questions.

That’s the problem … not everything is auto.  Here’s a crazy idea … 1am … when I’m not doing anything … update everything.

“But we need you to click OK on our 4,000 page user agreement”

Good lord … just steal my thumbprint and authorize it on my behalf!  You steal my privacy for everything else already, so why are we doing this song and dance on a giant document we all know darn well I ain’t gonna read anyway.  Just do the update!

Moving on Diary (speaking of bad timing) …Why does every kid on Earth pick the exact same time to make all of their most important and time consuming life decisions ?  Furthermore … we all know what “time” that actually is … Bedtime.

Every single kid wastes away their entire day … and then five minutes before bedtime …

“I think I need to do my entire science project.”

“Maybe I’ll clean the basement, too.”

I mean just SHOCKING that at the time you’re supposed to be going to bed, suddenly NOW you’re inspired to make all of your life’s decisions.  Perhaps you’d like to do your taxes?   Decide on which college you’d like to attend? Map out some solid mutual funds?  All two seconds before bedtime.

But God forbid you do anything at 3pm … that’s prime “iPad time wasting time” … can’t possibly do anything of value then!

And I’ll be honest … the main reason at play here is … I’M TIRED.  I wanna go to bed!  And is it so wrong of me to want like 15 minutes of grown-up, no kid time without you?  Nah … kids are much happier if they suck you dry of all your waking moments from the second your eyes pop open until the second you fall asleep.

And then on the weekends, when I can actually stay up a little later, I have my daughter coming downstairs … “When are you guys going to bed?”

Later!!  What’s it matter to you? Go to sleep!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

You’re Gettin’ Robbed

You’re Gettin’ Robbed

Dear Diary …

The world is full of thieves. People are constantly trying to steal stuff from you … money, personal information, your valuables. Now … a lot these thieves get caught, which is certainly a good thing. And yet … there is one group of thieves that is basically going unpunished, and this is just downright WRONG. Yeah … you know who you are … women and children!

“Oh no! There’s danger! Save the women and children first!”

Oh whatever! You mean “save the thieves first?” Because that’s actually what they are.

Thieves. Specifically “Charger Thieves.”

Men … you can be rest assured … if you have a phone charger and you aren’t guarding it with your life … it will eventually be stolen by some woman or child when they come across it.

In my kitchen we have two chargers. Chargers that are to be used for my kids’ iPads. And with those chargers comes one rule … leave these chargers right here and never take them anywhere else. Oh who am I kidding? There’s no rule. I may TRY to have that rule, but every time I go to that counter … ain’t no chargers there.

Where are the chargers?

“Oh it’s in my room so I could charge my iPad?”

Um … why aren’t you charging it here like you’re supposed to?

“I don’t know”

And where’s the other charger?

“Oh it’s in my car.”

Why aren’t you using your own charger?

“I don’t know.”

Thieves! The whole lot of ‘em. And it doesn’t stop there. They steal mine all the time too. Oh but yours was closer. So? Go get your own ya thief! Because the same thing happens every time … I can’t find the chargers and nobody seems to know where they are or what happened to them.

And if I had to guess … they’re probably in the same place as all those tupperware lids that seem to go missing and are never matched up to any of the containers in the drawer.

You’re a bunch of thieves and you know it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

I Ain’t Asking For Much

Dear Diary …

As we sit here this morning … not being billionaires because apparently we can’t be the lucky schmuck who wins the lottery .. I just gotta declare on behalf of all of us … C’mon man … I ain’t askin’ for much!

By the way … If you want tips on how to win the lottery, just remember that you gotta buy your ticket from the crappiest and scariest convenience store … in Michigan. Because that’s where the winner always seems to happen. You also gotta be weird lookin’ … probably wear things like checkered shirts and suspenders. And don’t comb your hair. You always want to look a little dumpy when you pick up your prize.

But back to my point … I ain’t asking for much. Ok fine … I’m never gonna win the billion dollar lottery … it’s cool … I can accept that I guess. So in the meantime can I at least get some other lucky benefits in life … like can I stop running over stuff?

That doesn’t feel like I’m asking for much, but apparently it is because I always run over stuff. You can be rest assured that if there’s a nail in the road, I’m gonna be the one to run it over and have it jam into my car tire. And not just nails … last week I had the privilege of being lucky enough to run over a drill bit replacement and have it blast its way into my tire. And yes … I drive on normal roads. You would think I was driving in the middle of a Home Depot with a drill bit in my tire!

I mean you talk about the odds of winning the lottery, but the odds of running over a drill bit replacement AND have it go into your tire gotta be just about the same longshot. But do I win the billion dollar lottery? NAHHHH … I just win the … runnin’ over stuff lottery. Lucky me!

And what the heck is the deal anyway? Where do all these nails come from? Never once in my life have I seen a nail just hanging out, sticking straight up in the road. And yet that seems to be exactly the case every time I run one over. Like how does that even happen.

I should also add that in the same week my wife managed to hit a deer with her car … the second time in a week. So now that’s all jacked up too.

And again … what can possibly be the odds of running over a drill bit replacement … and hitting two deer in the same week … AND having an entire tree fall on your house in the same three month span? But a billion dollars? Nope … those odds are just too impossible to hit. But in this situation … lucky me!

Sweet! I feel so blessed!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.