Gifts That Aren’t Gifts

Dear Diary …

Since it’s the holiday season, and people are giving gifts to one another … I thought I would help you out with some some gift-giving guidelines. First and foremost … when giving a gift to someone, make sure it’s something they actually want or like.

And when you hear me say this, I know you think “Well that’s obvious!” But I’m here to tell you … this happens ALL the time. Like take yesterday on the show for example … I was given a special gift by my jerkbag co-workers of something I didn’t want or like. Not only that, it was the “gift” of an embarrassing moment in my life that causes me great pain to re-live that moment in time. Wow … What a great gift … the gift of pain! Thank you SO much for that!

But that’s just an isolated incident … stuff like this happens all the time. My whole life my mother has been giving me gifts and rewards that aren’t actually gifts or rewards.

Like last time she was in town visitng, when she let me know “I’m going to let YOU back up my car for me.”

[[GASP]] You are? What a great present! WOO-HOO!!! Thank you so much for letting me do that.

When I was a kid she’d say “I saved the dishes for you.” Boy I must be on Santa’s nice list to have been bestowed upon such an amazing honor!

These are not gifts or special surprises! “I saved you $100 at the grocery store” … That’s a gift. “Hey you sit there and relax while I wash the dishes” … That’s a special surprise! Stop trying to pass off your lousy chores and crappy pranks as actual presents. Cuz if there’s a choice … I pick coal. (At least I can heat my house with it.)

OK … moving on Diary …

I’d like to ask the ladies out there a question … When we men call you, why do you NEVER ever answer the phone? To be fair … I should clarify … you never answer the phone when we actually need something. If we’re calling for no particular reason, you’re available on a half a ring, but if we’re at the grocery store and have a question about something … you are nowhere to be found.

This goes back again to the last time my mother was in town … and she and my wife were home while I went to the grocery store. Fast forward to me … who realizes he forgot to check and see if we needed milk. So I call my wife. No answer. Remember … I just left her 10 minutes ago … sitting there. I call again. No answer. Again. No answer. So I move over to my mother … Who reminder is also just … sitting there. And I get nothin’.

Six calls … two people … just sittin’ there … no answer.

Why do you ladies do this? Is this fun for you making me play Milk Mysteries at the grocery store?

It’s a good thing all it was was a question about milk. What if I was held at gunpoint and the gunman said … “Get your wife or mother on the right phone or I’m gonna shoot you in the face!”

I’m dead!

Oh and as every man know … your woman DOES eventually call you back, five seconds after it’s too late and whatever you needed is now over with. I’m tellin’ ya … I think they know. Some kind of spyware device on my phone … and they’re watching, listening, and laughing it up over there.

Hope you had your fun ladies!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Shorts People

Dear Diary …

There’s a slight chill in the air. OK … whatever … let’s call it like it is … it’s COLD! Cuz it’s winter! No chill. Straight up cold. Now cold weather isn’t exactly my favorite, but it is what it is, so that doesn’t really bother me. Just throw on a jacket … maybe some gloves … go on with your day. A-ha … But that’s where a certain breed of people come waltzin’ on in … shorts people.

These are the people where … even if it’s cold out … they continue to wear shorts. And if you wanna do that, and wear shorts all year long … I got no problem with that. But would you be quiet about it? Everybody that wears shorts in the winter … you know who they are, because they’re always reminding you that they wear shorts in the winter.

“Hey … looks like we might get snow this weekend.”

“Snow? I wear shorts in the winter. A little snow won’t scare ME! Look at ME! I’m shoveling snow, and I’m wearing SHORTS!”

Yay … good for you. You love cold legs, or you have some sort of genetic mutation and you have an extra layer of whale blubber that makes you impervious to the cold. Either way … I don’t care. Yes … I know you wear shorts in the winter. I see you wearing shorts in the winter. Congratulations on wearing shorts in the winter. What do you want, a trophy?

And Diary … just by bringing this up, I know I’m screwed now. Rest of my life … I’m gonna run into people who wear shorts in the winter, and they are gonna let me know that they wear shorts in the winter, simply because I brought this up. The sacrifices I make for you!

Anyway … moving on Diary …

Can you explain to me why some things that should be SO simple, gotta be so difficult? Like with my phone … and that autocorrect thing. You know … where it fixes the words you spell wrong. Not only that … it learns certain words and names that you use, and will correct those as well. And most of the time, it’s pretty good, but God forbid one time you accidentally cancel out the autocorrect and allow the misspelled word to sneak in to your dictionary. It’s all over!

Autocorrect learns it forever … and the next thing you know you’re busy typing the word “sonething” for the rest of your life. No more “something” for me, Diary. My phone thinks I wanna talk about “sonething” instead. And the word “them?” Gone! Apparently I prefer the word “thrm.” Hey have you heard from thrm lately? Man I haven’t seen thrm in a while.

And you’d think there would be a simple fix for this … You just go in and delete the word out of the list. Yeah … you can’t do that. You can either delete all of them, or just suffer silently. Cuz iPhone doesn’t give you the option to delete just one of them.

And yes … I know … you do have that option on an Android phone. “Love my Droid!” Those people are quick to point that one out, cuz they are even louder than Mr. I Wear Shorts In the Wintertime. Love my Droid!

I can’t even IMAGINE having to put up with people who wear shorts in the winter AND own an android phone. They must be exhausting to be around. How do they even have time to talk about anything else?

“I wear shorts in the winter! Love my Droid! Shorts in the winter! Love my Droid! Shorts in the winter! Love my Droid!”

And if they do Crossfit? Ugh … it’s all over now.

Till next time Diary … I say …. Goodbye.

Jacked Up Xmas Songs

Dear Diary …

Now you know me … I got big time Christmas spirit. Holiday cheer oozes out my yule log for about two months leading up to the big day. Big fan of Jesus’ birthday … and also a big fan of the Christmas music. I’m a connoisseur if you will, with an appreciation for all manner for Christmas tunes.

And I do enjoy them for what they are, but I also gotta be honest … Some of these songs are ridiculous. Take the Perry Como classic …

There’s no place like hooome …. for the holidaaaayyyys …

Well we’re gonna agree to disagree on this one, Perry. I mean, there’s no place like MY home for the holidays, but you and your travelling all over God’s creation just for a piece of “homemade pumpkin pie” ain’t nobody’s idea of the perfect way to spend Christmas.

Listen to this nut, “Gee … the traffic is terrific!” … What is wrong with him? I think he’s been stuck IN traffic for hours and the dude has lost his mind! This is nobody’s idea of fun during their time off from work, piling their entire crazy family in the car, and then fighting every lunatic on the roads or the airport or whatever …

And then when you get there, what is your reward? You get to cram into a random room in a tiny house that doesn’t have enough beds for all the people in it, that you’re related to, but barely like.

Diary, you know where I’m sleeping this Christmas? I don’t! Cuz we’re going to my mother-in-law’s house where there’s only one extra bed and three visiting couples and we all have two kids apiece. Hey kids … enjoy the floor!

Home for the Holidays … you lunatic.

Next up, what about the classic “Winter Wonderland?”

On the surface you think … ahhh … the picturesque scenes of winter … so lovely. But have you paid attention to the lyrics?

As best I can understand, there’s a bunch of chicks in a field, and they build a snowman, and then they pretend it’s the snowman is some guy named Parson Brown. Now I don’t know this Parson Brown, but he must be like the Channing Tatum of this place, because when he sees the ladies he says “Are ya married?” and they say “No man … but you can do the job when you’re in town”

So that makes them his “hoes in different area codes” then, right? We’re not married, but we’ll all do ya tonight while you’re breezing thru town. Buncha skanky groupies!

And then the ladies go inside… to conspire … as they dream … by the fire. To face unafraid … the plans that we’ve made. So they don’t even regret their dirty little orgy they just had with this Parson Brown!

What is going on in this town? And furthermore … where are these hoochies so the rest of us can be all “Yeah … uhhh … I’m Parson Brown … how you ladies doin?” That is a filthy Christmas song!

OK finally Diary … Happy Christmas … War Is Over. What a lovely message … totally ruined by Yoko Ono’s terrible warbling. Boy she really did break up the Beatles, didn’t she? And every year, her “Waaaaarrrr issssss oooovvvvaaaaaaa” just grates on my eardrums just a little bit more.

Who knew that is was possible to hear something that made you wish for the Celine Dion version of ANYTHING?

“Waaaaarrrr issssss oooovvvvaaaaaaa” You’re right it is over … we surrender!!!! Stop! Oh it hurts.

Where’s the calm, quiet tunes of “White Christmas” when you need it?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.