Dear Diary …
Since it’s the holiday season, and people are giving gifts to one another … I thought I would help you out with some some gift-giving guidelines. First and foremost … when giving a gift to someone, make sure it’s something they actually want or like.
And when you hear me say this, I know you think “Well that’s obvious!” But I’m here to tell you … this happens ALL the time. Like take yesterday on the show for example … I was given a special gift by my jerkbag co-workers of something I didn’t want or like. Not only that, it was the “gift” of an embarrassing moment in my life that causes me great pain to re-live that moment in time. Wow … What a great gift … the gift of pain! Thank you SO much for that!
But that’s just an isolated incident … stuff like this happens all the time. My whole life my mother has been giving me gifts and rewards that aren’t actually gifts or rewards.
Like last time she was in town visitng, when she let me know “I’m going to let YOU back up my car for me.”
[[GASP]] You are? What a great present! WOO-HOO!!! Thank you so much for letting me do that.
When I was a kid she’d say “I saved the dishes for you.” Boy I must be on Santa’s nice list to have been bestowed upon such an amazing honor!
These are not gifts or special surprises! “I saved you $100 at the grocery store” … That’s a gift. “Hey you sit there and relax while I wash the dishes” … That’s a special surprise! Stop trying to pass off your lousy chores and crappy pranks as actual presents. Cuz if there’s a choice … I pick coal. (At least I can heat my house with it.)
OK … moving on Diary …
I’d like to ask the ladies out there a question … When we men call you, why do you NEVER ever answer the phone? To be fair … I should clarify … you never answer the phone when we actually need something. If we’re calling for no particular reason, you’re available on a half a ring, but if we’re at the grocery store and have a question about something … you are nowhere to be found.
This goes back again to the last time my mother was in town … and she and my wife were home while I went to the grocery store. Fast forward to me … who realizes he forgot to check and see if we needed milk. So I call my wife. No answer. Remember … I just left her 10 minutes ago … sitting there. I call again. No answer. Again. No answer. So I move over to my mother … Who reminder is also just … sitting there. And I get nothin’.
Six calls … two people … just sittin’ there … no answer.
Why do you ladies do this? Is this fun for you making me play Milk Mysteries at the grocery store?
It’s a good thing all it was was a question about milk. What if I was held at gunpoint and the gunman said … “Get your wife or mother on the right phone or I’m gonna shoot you in the face!”
Oh and as every man know … your woman DOES eventually call you back, five seconds after it’s too late and whatever you needed is now over with. I’m tellin’ ya … I think they know. Some kind of spyware device on my phone … and they’re watching, listening, and laughing it up over there.
Hope you had your fun ladies!
Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.