Scratchy Toilet Paper

Dear Diary …

Now I know that people are entitled to their own opinions, and that’s fine. We can always “agree to disagree” on things and still live happily ever after. That said, I do think there are some things that everybody on Earth should agree on. No argument. End of discussion.

And it’s not because I think something like “Oh MY opinion is the right opinion.” I don’t mean that. I mean that the opinion is the ONLY opinion because there is no other logical choice.

Take the movie “Birdman” for example. It’s terrible. No argument necessary because there is no counterpoint here. You can’t possibly like that movie. I don’t care what some dorky Academy says. That movie is not good.

I have a coworker that says he likes it. And there’s only two possible explanations for his claim …

1. He’s lying and he’s trying to look cool. Or …

2. Medical. He has some, like, a tumor or something and he doesn’t know it, and it’s laying on the decision-making part of his brain, and it makes him think he likes “Birdman.”

That’s it.

OK … I guess MAYBE some small group of warped people like that movie, so throw that one out and forget I said anything.

Here’s one that we should all people able to agree on … Nobody wants scratchy, uncomfortable toilet paper, right?

That one seems obvious to me that we would ALL wants a nice soft toilet paper when we’re doin’ our thing. But then, in the real world, that’s not being practices. I go out of town this weekend and I stay at my friend’s house. Now this is a grown man with a good job … He’s a father for crying out loud. And yet … scratchy ol’ Scott is the only toilet paper in his house. what is wrong with him? Does he hate himself?

Now I was willing to cut him some slack … He’s a bachelor. The only two things he had in his fridge were pickles and beer. So maybe he doesn’t know what he’s doing because his ex-wife did all the grocery shopping. Fine.

But the next night … we all stay at his brother’s house … who’s also a friend of mine. Now this guy … Family man … Wife … Nice house. His job? Scientist. I mean he’s even got the glasses. So he’s smarter than me … or so I thought. Because I use the bathroom and … hello … scratchy ol’ Scott again.

What is wrong with these people? What is wrong with anybody who buys this stuff?

And don’t play the poor card because …

1. They ain’t poor. And …

2. Even if they are, Angel Soft is like a dollar. And yeah it ain’t the best, but it’s soft. It’s in the name. Keyword: SOFT.

I mean, if you ain’t gonna treat your butt with respect, then how can you be trusted to appropriately love anything in this world?

There’s plenty of things we can disagree on all day long … politics, parenting, how to cook your steak … but scratchy toilet paper? C’mon! That’s a no-brainer!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Super Specific Booger Eaters

Dear Diary …

When you raise children, there are some experiences that you simply can’t even put into words. Like the feeling you get when … after a long day of running around … dealing with their every demand of juice … and snacks … and TV shows … and you’re doing this by yourself, because your wife is busy with work and hasn’t gotten home yet …

You finally get them upstairs … Tuck them into their little beds … pull the blanket up to their adorable little chins … and say “Goodnight … I love you” … Words cannot describe the feeling you get when they reply with “When’s Mommy coming home?”

Yup … love you too!!!

Oh hey … if you need anything, I’ll be downstairs on my hands and knees picking LEGOs out of the carpet while you’re up here dreaming away of swingsets and sugar plums. Have a nice night!

There are so many things I don’t understand about little kids … Like why are they SO specific about certain things? I get being BRAND specific about something. I mean … Helluva Good French Onion Dip … best dip on Earth. Dean’s? Pshht. I spit in your Dean’s. Dean ain’t got nothin’ on Helluva Good.

That I get … they taste different. You know what doesn’t taste different? The same food served on two different colored plates. I also have it on good authority that milk tastes exactly the same in a plain cup as it does in a cup with a picture of Queen Elsa on it.

I had an argument with my son the other day because he wanted his milk in a blue cup. No exceptions. No compromises. He did not want the cup I had.

Oh wait … did I mention that the cup I had was also a blue cup? Cuz it was! It just wasn’t the blue cup he was pointing at. Same brand … same shade of blue …

“No .. not that one. Want THAT one!”

Look here ya little puke … I could play three card monte like a street hustler with your cups behind my back and you’d have no idea which cup was which. Use the cup!

He drives me nuts, because he’s also a terrible eater. The kid eats hot dogs and candy … that’s it. Well … and fruit … but that’s it.

The other night I couldn’t get him to eat pizza. Pizza! And those are the ridiculous nights too as a parent where you’re not even saying “Eat your broccoli and then you can have dessert.” I’m sitting here saying “Eat your greasy triangle of cheese and fatitude before you can have a piece of chocolate.” Man I am strict!!!
And that little turd … he just wants the food to go to waste. That’s what makes him happy. Last night I make him a cheeseburger. Wouldn’t eat it. OK fine .. It’s delicious. I’ll eat it then.

“No! Leave it on da table. It stay right here.”

Why you gonna eat it?


Well then Daddy’s eating it … too bad!

I should point out by the way, this is a kid who freely eats his own boogers and then happily brags about them being “all gone in my tummy.” You’ll eat that, but you won’t eat the delicious food I make for you? You make no sense.

I mean … hey … maybe he’s full. I see some of those nasty things he digs out of his nose … they’re like the size of a grape. Maybe they’re really filling. I’m certainly not gonna find out for myself. But maybe they are!

I don’t. know. Because that’s ultimately what I do know above all else … I don’t know.



Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

Kids Today Will Never Get To ______

Dear Diary …

I really feel bad for kids today. Now yes, in a lot ways they get to live in an exciting time with amazing technological advances, but at the same time they are totally missing out on some other great things.

For example … When kids today grow up, they are never going to be able to “snow brag.”

“In my day, we went to school even when there was a FOOT of snow on the ground and we WALKED … uphill … both ways … in the cold.”

No you didn’t. You never go.

If anything, it’s gonna be the exact opposite where YOUR kids are gonna have to go to school and you’ll say …

“Brrr … it’s a little bit cold outside this morning. In my day we’d cancel school for a week if it was … you know … kinda chilly out.”

And don’t even start with me …

“Oh but it’s for the safety of our children. My children’s safety is the MOST important thing in the whole world.”

No it ain’t.

If it was, you wouldn’t let them wade around in that feces-laden ball crawl at you-know-where with the rodent mascot.

And God knows what’s inside that Hamburger Helper you’re lettin’ em eat.

So let’s not get all high and mighty here and instead, let’s face the facts … the world can be a scary and dangerous place. If we’re SO worried about safety … our kids should probably never leave the house. Like ever.

If it’s snowing out, it’s too cold. If it’s raining out, it’s too slippery, and if you walk around with your mouth open you might even drown.
If it’s hot out … uhhh hello … sunburn … skin cancer? Shoot … If they’re on their way to school, and they have lunch in their backpack, you never know when a bear might just wade outta the woods and be all hungry try to bite our precious little snowflakes and steal their lunch.

Nope … cancel school forever. We’ll all just homeschool ‘em. They can have Snapchat playdates with their friends. It’s all about the safety.

And look … I understand that they’re just doing their best when it comes to the school closings. I don’t necessarily agree with it, but it is what it is. That said, what I’m not doing anymore, is getting called into any meeting at the school the next time my kids miss a couple days of school when we go on vacation or whatever.

“Oh we take attendance very seriously.” No! You can say that AND cancel school at the drop of a hat. It’s one or the other.

That’s as if a guy like Tiger Woods … who cheats on his wife over and over and over again we’re to get all mad if he found out his wife was flirting with one other dude. No! You don’t get to have it both ways there, Mister.

Here’s another thing … Our kids are never going to get to experience the joy of coming down on Saturday morning and rejoicing because … LAAAAAAHH! … Saturday morning cartoons were on.

All week long you suffered thru your parents lousy television, and FINALLY there was a day for YOU.

Now? Every day is Saturday morning cartoons. They can watch whatever they want, whenever they want. And at first you think, “oh but that’s a good thing because it’s just right there at our fingertips and we can fire up their show for them.”

Yeah … I used to think that. Till I realized … we parents are the real losers here. When we were kids, we used to have to sit thru all of Mommy and Daddy’s shows, since ours weren’t on.

Now today … Daddy doesn’t get to watch any of his shows because he … and by “he” I mean “me” … is watching Space Buddies for the 473rd time instead.

So I’d say “poor them,” but really I should be saying “poor me,” since I’m the one stuck watching it instead of them sit there and watch my boring episode of some grownup show.

I mean really when I think about it … and I’m lumping myself in here … We might be the dumbest generation of parents. Ever! We totally let these monsters boss us around, and do whatever the heck they want.

But I’ll tell you what the solution is …

… As soon as I figure out what the solution is cuz I don’t know. So if you could … like … help me.



Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye