Stay At Home Moms Are Weird

Dear Diary …

Stay at home Moms. OK … before anything else, let me stand on the highest mountain and shout your praises for all the things that you do. But also … you guys are weird. Because yeah … you do ALL these amazing things day in and day out with your children, which leads me to the question … “Why?” I spend like one afternoon with my kids and I’m about ready to lose my mind.

Stay at home Moms … and I mean this as a compliment … you guys are mutants. The fact that you can handle these little rascals … you’re like the X-Men … you’re just bigger, better, and stronger than we are. How do you not kill ‘em? Or at the very least … How do you not spiral down into some sort of wine-induced fog by 3 pm every day just to make the screeching go away?

I was on vacation last week … Every two seconds with these kids … they want something.

“I want Cheeze-Its”

OK … fine. Here’s your Cheez-Its.

Sit back down. Two seconds later the other one …

“Can I have some Goldfish?”

AHHHH!!!! Why didn’t you mention that when I was in the kitchen?

“I forgot?”

Oh bologna you forgot! Fine … here’s your Goldfish. Alright …

Anybody else have anything they want before I sit down? No? … OK … Good.



AHH … poop! Here we go!

No clue how you do it. For me … staying at home makes me actually look forward to going to work. YOUR work IS home … there’s no escape!

Weirdoes … the whole lot of ya. Thoroughly important gifts from God. But still weird ones.

OK … moving on Diary …

Here’s a segment I like to call, “Things We Should Be Better At.”

When you look at it as a whole, this world really is an amazing place. Look at how far we’ve come as a people in the past hundred years. Heck … the past 20 years. I mean 20 years ago we weren’t pooping in a hole in the ground like we were a hundred years ago, but still … the internet? Hello! That said, there are still glaring problems that to me … given how far we’ve come … shouldn’t happen any more.

For example … why in our cars does there still exist a place between the front seats that is just big enough to have things like your cell phone … bloop … just fall right in? And this place is also small enough that it’s impossible to get your hand in to get the things out! This random little black hole doesn’t need to be there … serves no purpose … so why is it still there? We can plug up that hole? Shoot … bring back bench seating in cars … problem solved.

Here’s another thing we should be better at … I mean we got the technology to send back pictures of the planet Pluto in HD, but I still can’t take a shower and run a sprinkler at the same time in my house?

Look … I get it when … you know … indoor plumbing was new and stuff and we had just upgraded from using a wash basin, but you mean to tell me they can’t run enough water into my house so I can do those two things at the same time?

Failing … that’s what we’re doing here. Fix it … that’s what needs to happen.

Till next time Diary, I say … goodbye.

Fire All Driver’s Ed Teachers

Dear Diary …

Alright … no more being nice. I think we finally gotta take some drastic measures here. I think it’s time to demand the firing of every Driver’s Ed teacher in Virginia. All of ’em. Pack your things and get out. OK that’s probably a LITTLE too extreme, but I’m at my wits end, and I don’t know what to do about this state’s obsession with hanging out in the left lane on the highway.

And it’s just Virginia. Diary … I drove 1500 miles over my vacation … Massachusetts, Rhode Island, Connecticut, New York, New Jersey, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Maryland … and NONE of those places had people just toolin’ along on the left lane. Then I cross into Virginia … everyone’s just camped out there … DONGA DONGA DONGA DONG.

So clearly, it’s a Virginia thing. So that’s why I’m lashing out at driver’s ed teachers, because I feel like SOMEBODY taught you people to drive this way. It’s the only explanation I have. I just know that change needs to happen.

Hey … I’ll admit it … I’m not from here, but I like it here. I say that I’ll “holler at you” when I’m “fixin’ to” do something. Now I won’t “cut on the lights” … never gonna happen … but I do get all excited when they’re “walkin’ to the South, out of Roanoke” in Wagon Wheel. That’s cool.

So I’m here … as your friend … STOP IT! I don’t care if Mr. Dingleberry your driver’s ed teacher told you to it, don’t do it anymore. You look ridiculous to the rest of the county, and you’re making me drive bad. Because now I’m forced to pass your oblivious, slow-moving butt on the right … and I don’t wanna have to do that. I don’t know who you think you’re impressing by hanging out there, so just get outta the way … please!

OK … moving on Diary … As a parent of small children, I feel like I need to educate other people on something about these tiny little bundles of … uhhh … joy? Is that what people say?

Anyway … here’s something you can’t do when talking to small children … you cannot tell them they’re gonna get to do things WAY in the future. They have tiny little skulls and tiny little brains … they can’t process durations of time, and they have NO patience to wait for anything.

My son is three … and while visiting his Grandma, she tells him “Lennon … we’re going to go the Thomas the Train amusement park … when you come back next year.”

Oh and I should add that she does this right as we’re leaving. Gives him the tease, then shuts the door to the car and says goodbye. Why would you do this to me? Now I’m driving 700 miles with a three old in the backseat screaming that he wants to go ride the trains right now.

He doesn’t understand “next year.” You need to talk to small children like you would to a dog. You would never say to your dog “Oh moosh moosh … do you want a cookie … next week?”

Tiny children have about the same grasp on the concept of time. Things either happen right now … or never. Shut the door and leave me with that. I’m starting to think maybe she did it on purpose? You’re thinking that too, aren’t ya?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.