Morning People

Dear Diary …

Every work day when my alarm goes off at 3:45am, the first thing that pops into my head is ….

{{{Oh My God … Why So Early?}}}

As you can see Diary … I am not a morning person.

Never have been.

Even as a tiny child … I wanted to stay up late and sleep in in the morning. My daughter pops up first thing in the morning like fresh toast … bouncing out of the top of the toaster. Me? I might’ve been one of the only kids on Earth already begging “Just gimme five more minutes” while I was in kindergarten.

Not surprisingly, at age 5, one of my favorite beverages was also coffee. I think my Mom thought it was cute that I wanted just a little spoonful. But oh no … I NEEDED it

But let’s get back to this morning people thing …

Yes I know … It’s wonderfully ironic and hilarious that this here night owl ended up with a job that even makes the crack of dawn say, “Oh man, you’re up at THAT time?”

But whatever … I accept it. I’m not sad or mad about it. Yes I’d rather be sleeping, but it is what it is, and I’ll deal.

That said … Morning people … Those of you that do like getting up bright and early … Why do you have to be so … “You?”

As a non-morning person, I wanna just chill … get some coffee … and get into the day.

Morning people want to [[SINGING]] EXPLODE onto the morning!!!

God yesterday I walk into the studio … and as I’m sure you could tell I work with a morning person … I get …

“Get in here!!!! YOU … WONDERFUL YOU!!!!! Come on IN! HAP-PY DAY!!!!!! FRIEND-LY FRIEND!!!!!”

Don’t make me kill you. I don’t wanna go to prison, the food is terrible there. And you gotta wake up too early!

Just dial it down.

And the response from morning people is always the same “Whatever … I’m happy. I’m just bringing you JOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Look here Sunshine and Rainbows … it’s fine if you wanna be like that … I applaud you for feeling that way, but don’t you go trying to force me to feel that way too. It’s just not gonna happen.

And really this goes for a lotta things in life … Just cuz you feel a certain way or believe a certain thing, you’re absolutely entitled to that, but you also don’t need to be forcing it on everybody else.

You don’t see me jamming bacon into the mouths of vegetarians, do you? And yet you get plenty of them saying, “well out of respect for my vegetarian beliefs could you please not eat meat in front of me?”

Actually no … no I will not honor that.

You do you. And I’ll do me.

Alright that sounds dirty, but … shut up … it’s too early for me to come up with anything else!

OK … moving on Diary …

This is a public service announcement to you people out there who have terrible ideas and requests … Stop trying to rope the rest of us into your bad plans. You know they’re bad plans, and you’re trying to force us into being a part of them.

Here’s what I’m talking about … Let’s say you have a “friend” who wants you to help them move. And I say “friend” in quotes, because real friends don’t ask you to help them move, but that’s for another day.

So this “friend” says … Hey can you help me move on Saturday?

And you politely say “Oooh … Sorry … I would love to, but I have plans that day. Can’t make it.”

Well what these evil people do is say …

“Oh that’s alright … We can do Sunday. Or Monday. Or Tuesday. Really any day for the next 3 weeks. Just let me know what works for you.”

You evil … EVIL … person! Now you’re stuck helping them move a gigantic armoire and there’s no gettin’ out it.

I hope you’re happy you devious bad plan person because when this is done. So are you. Friendship … OVER!

That might be extremem, but that’s what we gotta do … cut these people out of the circle. It’s the only way they’ll learn their lesson.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Children are Tiny Terrorists

Dear Diary …

So last week I was on vacation … went to the beach with the family, and two other couples and their families. So that made six adults and six kids. And it was fun … we had a really good time. Though notice I didn’t use the words “relaxing time,” because it wasn’t. And the blame for that falls squarely on the children.

Because here’s what I’ve learned in my years as a parent … Children are tiny little terrorists. They are! I know that’s a harsh word, but it’s the best way to describe them. The definition of terrorism is “the use of actions or threats to intimidate or coerce” … and that’s exactly what they do. And when you put six of them together all on that mission, they’re like Tiny ISIS, exacting their brand of terror on the government … which in this case is the Government of Mommies and Daddies.

And because they’re terrorists, they fight dirty. Their methods include torture. Think about it … like one form of torture is Chinese Water Torture … where they just drip water on your forehead over and over again. Drip … drip … drip … drip … until you lose your mind.

This children did this in the form of asking for things … all … day … long. One wants a snack. Then another wants a snack. Then another. Snack … snack … snack … snack. Drip … drip … drip … drip … AHHHH!!! Daddy watch me jump in the pool … no watch me … no watch me … DRIP … DRIP … DRIP … DRIP … all till you lose your mind.

And it doesn’t stop there … they also employ sound torture as their little whiny voice just gets higher and higher as they demand stuff. GNAHH GNEE GNAHHH … And it was like they were trying to out-whine each other. GNAHH GNEE GNAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! [[[Sigh]] … Enough! Fine … do whatever you want. Have whatever you want. I can’t take it anymore!

And finally Diary … they move on to mind control. Like here’s a great example … every day we go to the beach, and you gotta lug six million different things down there with you … Canopies, coolers, towels, toys, and chairs. Every day … we lugged down chairs for those children … and every day … None of them sat in a chair. OK … fine … So on the last day, we don’t bring them any chairs.

And what’s the first thing outta their little mouths? “Where’s my chair? I wanna sit down too! Where’s my chair?”

Mind control! That’s all that is from these tiny little terrorists!!!

Now let me be clear … I love my kids. But let me also be clear … they’re evil! I said it by the end of the week to all the other parents … I don’t like these kids. My kids … your kids … all of ‘em. Just over it. And I wasn’t the only one … they all felt the same way.

Shoot … one night we had a sitter so the adults could all go out for a grown-up evening. Now that sounds great in theory, but this is in a town we don’t live in … we don’t know this person who’s the sitter. But you know what? That was a risk we were all willing to take.

“Hey … one of the kids is missing”

“Yeah … well … that meal WAS delicious. Price you pay I guess.”

Diary … I don’t even know what my message is here. I think I’m just venting. OK … you know what … here’s one … We grown ups should probably all call our parents today and just apologize. Don’t even know for what, but I guarantee you we were all evil little terrorist children on vacation at least once and had no idea … so a nice blanket apology would probably be a good plan.

Oh … THAT … and the fact that every parent should keep a running list of times our kids wore us down to the last fiber of our beings, so later we can then exact our revenge on these kids when they’re 16 years old and they think they’re gonna sleep till one in the afternoon every day of summer vacation. Oh that is SO not happening!

And is it really healthy to hold this grudge for 10 years till then? Ehhhh … probably not. Do I care? Ehhhh … definitely not.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Great Doo Doo Fly War

Dear Diary …

I’m under attack. You know what? I’m at war! And this is a frustrating war, because just when I think I’m winning the war … the enemy keeps growing and coming back for more. Now I know this sounds like the war on terrorism, which I guess it kinda is, but this terrorist hits even closer to home. In fact … it’s IN my home where The Great Doo Doo Fly War rages on.

Now some people call it the house fly … whatever. They say “you are what you eat,” and these things love to eat doo doo. So they are doo doo flies.

And thanks to another one of our lovely Southwest Virginia summers where it’s 95 degrees every day with 98% humidity and yet no chance of rain, we are just one big steaming pile of hot doo doo. Oh the flies love that … it’s like the world’s biggest Old Country Buffet to them. So they’re everywhere.

Now I’m fightin’ the good fight … me and my dishrag … I can swat the heck outta some doo doo flies. Heck … I Mr. Miyagi’d one last night … caught that thing with my bare hand. And they say war changes a man and makes him do crazy things … I was so jacked up by that I darn near tossed the thing in my mouth and ate ‘em to send a message to the rest of the doo doo fly army.

I will say this … if the The Great Doo Doo Fly War ends with a trial , where I face allegations of war crimes … yeah I’m goin’ to jail. Cuz I’m racking up an impressive list of war kills.

But here’s the thing with these doo doo flies … They keep coming. Diary … I killed like 10 of ‘em yesterday. I go to bed. Wake up in the morning. Get ready to get in the shower. Doo Doo fly.

Where the heck are they coming from? I don’t keep doo doo in my house. Shoot … I pay a housekeeper and she’s awesome. So why are they constantly around? I’ll tell you why … because every time you open a door even a tiny crack, these things … BZZZZZ … Right into the house like a precision missile. Of course, all that precision immediately goes away as they … [[[BZZZ]]] [[[Donk bonk donk]]] all over every window of your house. I’m over it! Man I’m excited for fall.

OK … moving on Diary … I need to alert you of a new scam. This is one of the ones your little demon children try to pull on ya … so parents need to be on high alert.

My two kids have figured out a new scam called “change your mind at the last minute.” Here’s how it works …

My son … he’s three. Other night, he gets to pick his dessert after dinner … so he picks a lollipop. He proceeds to eat most of the lollipop, and then [[CRUNCH]] … says “Actually … I changed my mind. I want a different dessert.”

Oh hell no … you can’t be changin’ your mind now, we are WELL past that!

Both kids do it with the TV too … since they can’t possibly agree on a show, I have to let them take turns. So they’ll pick one of their dorky shows, watch 90% of it, and then “Actually I don’t want to watch this … I want to pick something else.”

You know … here’s what I’m learning … I look stupid. It’s gotta be it. I never thought I looked stupid before, but clearly I present the image of “Grade A Moron,” since that’s what my kids seem to think they’re dealing with.

I don’t know what I need. How do you get rid of idiot face? Botox? Will that help me look less dumb? Otherwise, they’re gonna keep trying to pull this scam on dodo me.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.