Merry Christmas Whether You Like It Or Not

Dear Diary …

Merry Christmas … whether you like it or not!

That’s right … I am here to send this Christmas greeting to you and you are gonna sit there, and you are gonna take it. End of story.

I am so sick and tired of people automatically whining, “It’s too early for Christmas.”

Yeah you’re right … Shame on us for celebrating the most wonderful time of year for as long as possible. The one about peace, and love, and giving. Yeah … let’s not drag that one out at all.

Well I thumb my Yule Log at you!

You know what I’m doing while I write this? Listening to Christmas music.

Which by the way … let me be the one to break the news to you … There are going to be radio stations that start playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving, like they do every single year. So from now till the end of time, that’s going to happen.

Why is that such a shock to some people?

“I can’t believe they’re playing Christmas music already!”

Do you have amnesia from last year or something? Cuz this is nothing new. Year after year, it happens.

And let me let you in on another little secret … the people who say “I protest … I won’t listen!” Yeah well there are these things called “ratings,” and even though everybody claims not to listen, these “ratings” seem to magically go higher. So SOMEBODY’S listening.

And don’t get all “we’re skipping right over Thanksgiving and going right to Christmas” on me. I’ll stop you right there, because I love me some Thanksgiving. I love it so much, I’m gonna do things with gravy on Thursday that would make your grandma faint. That’s how much I love Thanksgiving.

Best day of the year! It’s all about food and you don’t have to buy anybody any presents. It’s like Christmas without all the errands. What’s not to love?

But the reality is, there aren’t really any Thanksgiving songs to soak in other than “The Thanksgiving Song.” So I gotta skip right to Christmas.

And you know what? I have figured out a way to celebrate Thanksgiving and [[GASP]] listen to a Christmas song in November at the same time. Amazing!

You know what it is? A lot of people are looking to just complain about something, and this is a very easy one for them to comp,lain about. But here’s a fact … There’s a lot of crappy things going on in this world, so maybe it isn’t such a bad thing if we all get together and celebrate good things like Christmas for just a little bit longer than we did in the past.

Am I right, or am I right? Cuz I’m right. I know I’m right.

I’m not modest, but I’ right.

Till next time Diary, I say “Ho Ho Ho Merr…” (OK that’s a bit much, but you get the point).

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Tackling Gender Inequality

Dear Diary …

I think it is high time that I tackle the issue of gender inequality. We strive to make this world a place where all people can have the same opportunity, regardless of their gender. But as I’m sure you know … this doesn’t always happen.

So I think it is time for me … as a man … to rise up and say … NO! We will not stand for this anymore. We will NOT allow our women to continue to have WAY more girls’ nights out than we men have guys’ nights. The inequality must stop!

What? You thought I was going to talk about something else? Like the pay gap between men and women and how women get paid less? Heck no!

And honestly … I don’t know how you ladies haven’t figured out how to win that battle yet, because you kick men’s equality butts in just about everything else. So how are not winning that one, too?

I mean think about it with the going out thing … You ladies have it nailed. You’ve branded it with names like Book Club, and Girl’s Night, and Moms drinking wine at two in the afternoon on a Tuesday while the children keep each other company. Oh sorry … I mean “Play Date.”

And the branding really is the genius. Like “Book Club” … What a great sounding name. Who can say no to Book Club?

“What? You don’t want me to read and be cultured?” How dare you!

But we all know … ain’t no books being read at Book Club. But “Women Making Their Husbands Watch the Kids While We Have Boozy Wine Night,” that’s a much harder sell to get out of the house. So you call it “Book Club” … and nobody says anything.

And don’t even try to tell me that Book Club has anything to do with books. My wife had Book Club last week. You know where it was? At a very loud restaurant where people and eat and drink and don’t really have discussions about literature. What they do have, though, is wine on tap. Hmmmmmm ….

Men … we’re gettin’ stepped all over in this one, and it’s time to fight back.

Now … don’t read me wrong here. I don’t care if you have Boozy Wine Night … sorry … I mean “Book Club.” You do that all you want, we men just need to step it up and do a better job of getting our own nights out.

It’s SO hard to get a bunch of dudes together on the same night. And I don’t blame my wife. She’s cool, and doesn’t mind at all. It’s other people’s wives, because way too many of them are not cool, and are a royal pain in the butt.

You try to plan a get together and next thing you know one friend can’t make cuz he has soccer practice early in the morning, and somebody else’s wife has the sniffles, and somebody else has to pressure wash their patio cuz they promised or whatever … BLAH BLAH BLAH.

And then you always get the one dude who’s wife does the whole “Well all the girls are friends too, how come we can’t get a sitter and all come with you?” Because you can’t! Because you’re not invited! That’s why!

And here’s another rub … we let you go out for Bozzy Wine Night … and then when you’re all hungover the next morning and useless, we take the kids for pancakes while you sweat chardonnay out of your pores. Meanwhile, when men go out it’s “If you think you’re gonna come home late and all drunk, you are getting up with the kids in the morning as your payback.” Why is that the deal?

Well you know what? Zippity zoo to you! And I say that because you can’t say go [[BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP]] on my [[BLEEP]] … cuz then I’m grounded and I’m never going out again.

Men … we need to take back control. We’re going out … now get in there and make me a sandwhich! OK … that’s a really terrible idea actually. We’re not gonna say stuff like that. We don’t need 1952 sad housewife either (though sandwiches ARE delicious, but that’s not the point). We just need to even the playing field a little bit and have a little more balance of girls’ nights and guys’ nights. That’s all.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Alone With My Thoughts

Dear Diary …

Why your brain gotta screw ya? For all the wonderful and amazing things your brain does, it also does plenty of dumb things that totally screw you over. I call it “Jerk Brain” because … quite simply … your brain’s being a jerk.

Like when you leave for work in the morning, and then remember that your forgot something back at your house and you are JUST far enough away from your house that you can’t really turn around? That’s Jerk Brain. He coulda remembered sooner, but he didn’t.

Here’s another one … This morning I’m in the shower, which 99% of the time is a place where you are alone with your thoughts. And as I sit there in the warm water, just soaking it all in, my brain says …

“Hye, you know what? I haven’t been sick in a really long time. I wonder if I can make it thru the whole year without getting sick?”

Oh crap! Thoughts like that immediately terrify me because you start thinking … “Wait a minute … why you got sickness on the brain, brain? What’s goin’ on it there?”

Fast forward a half hour later. I’m sitting at work and I …


Kinda got a little dry throat here.


Little phlegmy.


Now I’m still teetering … so I’m hoping it’s just a false alarm, but why you gotta do me like that Jerk Brain? Make me think about bein’ all well, and then makin’ me all sick. You jerk!

OK … moving on Diary …

I’m the cook in the house. I make most of the meals. Now my wife CAN cook … my schedule is just better for it. And honestly … I like it. And also … I’m pretty good at it. So it’s a bonus for everybody that they can get some pretty fancy meals right outta the hosue.

But here’s the deal … like any good chef, my food better be recognized and appreciated. And above all else … It better be eaten when it’s ready. Cuz this chef likes hot food .. so when it’s time to eat … it’s TIME TO EAT!

Last weekend … I make a meat sauce. Two days! Two days it takes me to make that thing … so you know it’s a darn good meat sauce. So it’s finally ready and I call everyone to the table … “Alright … dinner time.”




Sauce takes me two days to make, and now I’m sitting there. Waitin’. Food gettin’ cold here!

You know back in the day …. out on the ranch … you ring that bell … they come a-runnin’ in from the fields. And you people aren’t in no field … you’re in the living room watchin’ Netflix for so long you probably have blood clots in your legs from sittin’ there.

The Chef hails ye to dinner … Ye best be movin’ or I’m gonna start making me delicious meat sauce, and the rest of you can fight over a Lunchable! Get on with your hustle!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Great iPhone Conspiracy

Dear Diary …

I’m here today to blow the whistle on a conspiracy. And we are ALL involved whether we like it or not. And thing that really stinks is that a lot of us KNOW we’re involved, but we are powerless and let it happen anyway. And the conspiracy is simple … everything we buy is crap.

Now it’s not crap when we buy it, it’s the greatest thing in the history of things. But the minute a newer version of that thing is released … ours is now “instant crap.”

For example, I have an iPhone … 5. Which as you may remember from like a year ago, was “the greatest thing in the history of things.” I think that was even a quote from excited Apple CEO guy when they released the phone. Yeah … well now they’re on iPhone 6’s, and my phone stinks.

And before I go any further, don’t you Android phone people get all Droidy on me, your stuff turns to crap too the minute a new version is released. We are all on the same team in this one … Team Gettin’ Screwed.

OK back to my phone … Let me give you an example …

The entire time I’ve owned my iPhone 5, I’ve really had no problem with it whatsoever. Until the second after they announced the new iPhone 6S (and also announced that they ain’t makin’ no 5’s no more). The next DAY I think to myself, “Hey … My battery seems to be dying a little bit quicker all of a sudden.”

Hmmmmmm … I wonder if there was some sort of announcement that just happened for a newer more expensive phone from like … say .. yesterday? Oh look! A flyer in the mail from my cell phone provider letting me know that I can upgrade my phone if I want to … hmmmmmmm …

And it’s spiraling downhill like crazy. The other day my phone was on 19% battery. OK … that’s low, but it also implies that I still have one-fifth of my battery left. I mean, when it’s at 99%, nobody’s freaking out that “oh my God it’s going to drop to 80% soon!”

That’s not a worry we have. So I should be fine, right? Wrong!

One text. All I wanted to do was send one text to my wife to let her know I was on my way home. And before I could hit “send,” phone turns off with the little R.I.P. battery sign popping up. So 19% to zero … in two seconds.

Conspiracy! And we’re all gettin’ hosed. It’s no coincidence that my phone has become instant crap.

Well guess what Apple? I ain’t givin’ in. I don’t care if I gotta stick a charger up my butt 24-7 to keep this thing going … I will do it. I’m not buying the 6s!

And uh … yeah … it’s because I’m holding out for the more awesomer and more expensive iPhone 7 when it comes out … so … ummm … that’ll show YOU!!!

Yep … sucka.

Till next time Diary … I say, goodbye.