Today’s Xmas Decorations Are Tomorrow’s Garbage

Dear Diary …

Here we are … another year coming to a close … as we bask in the glory that is the holiday season. And my advice to you, is to soak it in. Soak in the joy and wonderment that is the Christmas tree, and Christmas decorations, and Christmas lights. Because soon … something truly magical is going to happen. When the calendar hits December 26th, all of these glorious things will become … instant garbage.

And it is amazing how fast it happens. It was beautiful yesterday, but now it’s just gross. Sometimes, for me, it’s not even December 26th … I hit about two o’clock in the afternoon on Christmas Day and I hear a Christmas song and I’m instantly “UGHHHH … This? … We’re still on THIS? That whole holiday cheer thing?”

And it’s all of it … “Look at all the pretty Christmas lights on that house” immediately becomes “look at that sad tangled mass of wires and light bulbs.” I don’t know if it’s just “Christmas Blindness” or something, but I swear I don’t notice a single extension cord in people’s yards until it hits December 26th. And then … they’re everywhere and they’re gross.

So again I say to you … you better sit there and soak in all this magic before it’s turns into tomorrow’s ratty pile of trash that needs to be put in a box and shoved into the attic where nobody can see it for 11 more months.

Oh and Diary … since I’ve been listening to Christmas music for a month now … I’ve got a few more songs that are making me ask the tough questions.

Like in the song “Mary Did You Know?” … who do these people think they’re talking to?

I mean … here they are … all “Mary did you know … that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?” Followed by “Mary did you know … that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?”

OK … do they not think she gets it?

If I’m Mary, I’m like “ummmm … hello? Virgin birth here … You don’t think that maybe I don’t understand the significance of that? I gave birth in a manger … there was a gigantic star in the sky signaling to the angels that my kid was being born, and then these three wise dudes show up, gave me a bunch of gold and myrrh and stuff. So yeah … I think I get it that this is a pretty big deal.”

I mean Diary … this seems like very poor judgement by this singer to be telling a Momma how to be parenting her child. You ever try to do that? Me? No thank you!

I won’t even do it to a random woman in Wal-Mart, let alone the Virgin Mother of the Baby Jesus. Tell her how to raise HER kids? Uh-uh!

And one more song while we’re here … “Sleigh Ride.”

Now I do understand that times change and opinions of enjoyment of certain things can sometimes go away, because when they suggest that it’s “lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with you,” I feel like it’s my duty to approach this honestly and admit that a sleigh ride is totally overrated and very rarely is it actually “lovely weather” for said “sleigh ride together.”

I’ve done ‘em, and it’s either one of two things …

#1 … Freezing. It’s December at night for the love of God, and here you are sitting in an open-air carriage freezing your butt off while the icy breeze smacks you in the face. You know … there IS a reason why cars today now have things like doors and “rooves” … climate control is enjoyable.

Or …

It’s #2 … Where it ain’t cold at all, and actually it’s a little TOO warm. Because what happens during this warmer time? Warm horse smell. Don’t get me wrong, I love a horse, but I also prefer to choose a mode of transportation that doesn’t sit me directly behind a couple of horse butts with no escape or air filter. Double up on the hot horse farts while you’re trapped in the box behind.

You know what? No. No sleigh ride for me. I’m good.

But anyway … Diary .. Let me just say Merry Christmas and a Merry New Year. I’ll see you in January when we’re all mad because we’re back at work, and work sucks, and the gym is too stinkin’ crowded, and we’re all just eating lettuce. Whooptie doo!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Home Alone and Other Xmas Movies

Dear Diary …

‘Tis the season for all things Christmas and that is fine with me. I love it all. Christmas music, Christmas parties, and of course … Christmas specials on TV. Definitely love those. Well … most of those. Do NOT get me started on Frosty the Snowman.

“Happy Birthday!”

It’s NOT your birthday you fat snowman! Tt’s Jesus’ birthday. You be quiet!

OK … but my grudge with Frosty is well documented. This time I’d like to explore some other classic holiday movies that I LOVE … but still … I got some issues.

Like the movie “Elf” … No doubt a modern classic. Honestly, it might now be my favorite Christmas movie of all time. But every time I watch it when it gets to the end … and Buddy the Elf is helping out Santa in the park and everybody is watching it unfold during the news report … I can’t help but think to myself …

Here it is … Christmas Eve. And I’m supposed to believe that all these kids are snuggled up in their beds watching the news? The news????

Have you seen the news lately? I’m a grown-ass man and I’m afraid to watch the news in my OWN bed. You think these parents are gonna let THEIR kids watch the news in their bed? No thank you! And even if the parents don’t know, never once has my daughter said, “Dad can I watch the news?”

Or like in “Christmas Vacation” … another great movie …

But when the Griswolds hike out into the woods and pick out this gigantic million-foot-tall Christmas tree and Rusty says “Hey Dad … did you bring the axe?” and they realize they got no axe … Exactly how DO they get that tree out of the ground? They’re driving home and the tree still has it’s gigantic root system attached. So with no axe … no shovel … and frozen ground underneath a foot of snow … they still got that tree. What’d they … yank it out with their rugged bare hands and drag that thing all the way back to the car? The base of that tree alone has gotta weigh 150 pounds.

But let’s move on … because the one I want to look at in particular today is “Home Alone” …

I mean, there’s a whole laundry lists of questions that should be asked by Child Protective Services to this family that somehow manages to leave their tiny child alone … two Christmases in a row mind you. And the police … they go knock on the door one time … “Oh well. Nobody answered. That’s good enough for us!”

Um … I think if I was the parents … I’d ask them to go back and knock again!!

And speaking of the parents … What the heck does this Dad do for work where he can afford to fly the entire massive family to Paris for Christmas? You can’t even get a flight to Detroit for less than $400 anymore … and he’s flying like a dozen people to EUROPE.

Oh and the bonus kick in the teeth for everybody else on the plane … yeah … we have this gigantic, unruly family that’s really loud and annoying. Oh, but Mom and Dad are gonna go ahead and sit in first class while you losers in coach have to deal with all of them. Those two are jerks!

Alright, but let’s go back to our little friend Kevin … who’s home all alone with these mean ol’ burglars. Burglars who cased the neighborhood, and know exactly what houses to rob. That’s another thing … the one burglar is so proud of himself that he can show off … “Look … this house is gonna have their lights on right … NOW. And then … wait for it … the next house …NOW.”

Oh OK … so every house in the neighborhood just happened to put their lights on timers that conveniently go off ten seconds apart from each other?

“Hey Bill … I’m gonna set my lights for 6:17. You go ahead and set yours for 6:17 and ten seconds. And then Neal down the street will set his for 6:17 and 20 seconds. That’s a great idea!”
So then all the hilarious antics of Home Alone and Home Alone 2 take place, and the whole time I think to myself … How are these two criminals not dead?

Especially in Home Alone 2. Have you seen that thing?

My kids were watching it over the weekend, and at one point the two of them fall from a building three stories … and then crash through metal scaffolding as they crash into the basement. And then … as if that wasn’t enough … two dozen full paint cans fall from the top of the building and land on their face.

And what do they do? Well of course they get right back up and chase after that mischievous little Kevin. I mean .. how do they not at least have a concussion? You watch a football Sunday now and there’s at least five guys IN HELMETS that have to stop playing because of a concussion. These guys? They’re perfectly fine.

And I’m not even pointing out the fact that they’d already been abused like ten times before this happened … and still … strong enough to keep going. Who are these cyborgs?

Ahh but in the end … Little Kevin saves the day. He’s reunited with his parents, and all is forgiven.

I mean really Kev … ALL is forgiven? Your lousy family forgot you on Christmas … TWICE!!!! Oh that’s OK son, Dad can afford to put us all up in a two-story hotel room at the Plaza in New York City at the last minute on Christmas Eve. Again … what does he do for work?

This Dad is freakin’ loaded … which I mean let’s all be honest with ourselves right now … I love the actress that played the Mom and all … but if he’s that rich … she and her frumpy short haircut thing … that got kicked to the curb a long time ago and Daddy would have himself a Melania Trump-lookin’ wife by now. Just sayin’

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Leftovers Daredevils

Dear Diary …

This is one of those times where … when you look at the calendar … you realize we need to come together as a people. Put our difference aside … join hands … and pray. Pray for those brave individuals who risk their own personal safety, to still be eating Thanksgiving leftovers today. Cuz those daredevils are insane!

Hey I get it … Thanksgiving food is delicious. And Thanksgiving leftovers are great too, but we are now almost SIX days past that delicious bounty. And before you get all “Zack can’t count, it’s not that many days.” Look here bucko … that food was made the morning of Thanksgiving. Heck, some of it was probably made the night before, but even if it was that morning we’re talking Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday … Day 6.

I’m sorry, but the Diarrhea-O-Meter risk factor has gone too high for me. Not worth it.

“But it’s my Grandma’s stuffing.”

Yeah … sure … that deliciously absorbent tub of wet bread and eggy goodness. That … oh by the way … probably sat out on the table for a solid six or seven hours ON Thanksgiving. Just festering right in the Germ Zone. And growing spores of naughty little things that wanna tear up your insides.

Just say no.

“It’s my body. It I wanna take the risk, that’s on me.”

Sure … that may be true. But your body also ends up with unfortunate results and stenches that affect the rest of us.

Leftovers. Three days. Done.

Non-negotiable. Unless you wanna knock it down to one or two … that’s the only place that we have wiggle room.

So I’m gonna tell you right now … if you’re at work today and you see Thanksgiving leftovers in the fridge, you are legally allowed to throw them away without any repercussion. You are doing it for the safety of all of us.

OK … moving on Diary …

I’ve learned something in my parenting adventures … I HATE CANDY.

And not “Oh I love Snickers, but I hate Twizzlers. Or I hate lollipops, but I love Kit Kats.” No … I hate it all. Has nothing to do with individual tastes … it just has to do with its very existence in my house this time of year.

It, of course, starts with Halloween … where the children manage to haul in giant bags of sugary goodness from their trick or treating. And then every day, all I hear about is their candy.

“Where’s my candy?”

“When can I have another piece?”

“Can I hold the bag?”

“I just wanna count it.”

NO! Go away you little addict!

Fast forward a month fighting that battle every day, and here we are FINALLY getting to the bottom of these evil little candy bags. And then … Christmas Parade. You know … the place where everybody else in town dumps their leftover candy onto unfortunate saps like myself, who have to helplessly stand by and watch their children’s candy reserves build right back up to their evil Halloween levels.

And even better that now it’s everybody else’s crappy candy leavins … so it’s not even stuff worth stealing to eat when they go to bed.

Ugh … so sick of candy.

I guess if there’s a silver lining in all this, it’s that finally there’s some reason to look forward to sucky January when everybody eats giant bowls of diet lettuce or whatever, and all the pieces of candy are finally eradicated.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.