Do Better

Dear Diary …

Not good enough!

We have so many great things in this world … and for that I’m happy. But there are certain things, we’re just slackin’. We need to do better.

This is ‘Murica … we’re awesome! We need to fix these things. And you know what? They’re global issues anyway, so even if we’re not smart enough to fix ‘em, we can at least mooch of some Japanese technology or whatever to git r done.

For example … at this point in our technological advances, the DVR should NEVER cut off the end of a show you’re recording. Unacceptable!

Over the weekend … lots of people excited about the return of the TV show “The X-Files.” Now I never got into that show, but that doesn’t matter, lot of people did. So they’re excited. They set their DVR … only to find out Monday morning that they have 20 minutes of football post-game blah blah blah … and then no end of the X-Files.

By the way … post game analysis of any sport is the dumbest waste of TV space on Earth.

“Hey you just watched the whole game, now let’s play it back again and tell you things you already know.” Total waste.

Regardless, the TV should know that football ran late and should automatically adjust to make sure you don’t miss the next show. There is NO way that that’s that hard of a technology to implement.

There’s nothing worse than sitting down to watch a show on your DVR, being all excited, only to see … “Hey uhh … wait a minute … this isn’t my show. This is the President talking. Oh man!”

Unacceptable. Do better!

Here’s another one … making you fast for 8 hours with no food or drink before going to the doctor. Why? And you know what? Don’t tell me why. I don’t what your medical nerd answer. I just want it fixed.

I had to do this recently to get a cholesterol check-up, cuz mine was a little high. So I gotta go thru an entire workday with no food or drink before the test … like we can’t differentiate between blood drawn from a person who had a bowl of cereal in the morning vs. blood from someone who didn’t.

And here’s the kicker … Here I am … Having to lower my cholesterol. So you know eat better and exercise and all that garbage. And what do I do right after the test? Eat a gigantic cheeseburger because I’m starvin’ to death. This is counter-productive to the whole goal of lowering cholesterol anyway! Do better!

Or what about ice makers … yeah … Ice makers! OK sure … things like “clean drinking water” … they’re priority #1. But now that I got that, and I got a fancy ice maker, why must it be so inconsistent with its output of ice?

Ice cube tray totally full … nothing blocking the tubes … and sometimes I just gotta sit there … like a dummy … CLNNNG CLNNNG CLNNNNG CLNNNNG … CLINK … One cube. CLNNNG … CLNNNG … CLNNNNG

Then, of course, the next time I go and I touch anything it’s like the Niagara Falls of ice cubes cascading out of chute, over the glass, onto the floor. Smashing everywhere in the process.

There is no reason for this to happen! We are smarter than this, and all of these things are easily fixable. We’re just being lazy about not doing it. Like when I go to the ATM and it says … “Please Wait While We Load Your Settings” … and then the first thing it asks me every time right after that is, “What language would you like to use?”

Shouldn’t that be part of the settings? Shouldn’t that be the ONLY setting? What other setting are there on an ATM anyway?

Do better!

That’s it. I got nothing else. Do better. And I know I’m not doing it because I’m not smart enough, but some nerd is. Fix it … now!

Till next time Diary, I say goodbye.

Never Gonna Potty Train

Dear Diary …

That’s it. I’m done. I can’t do it anymore.

I cannot change another freakin’ diaper!

I can’t! I’m gonna lose it!!

Now I know people got way bigger problems than me … but in that moment … that stinky … doo doo infested moment … All hope is lost.

My son is almost 4 years old, and he still won’t poop in the toilet.

And don’t even waste your time trying to give your “helpful advice” … I don’t want it. Cuz it’s never gonna happen. Total despair!

We’ve tried everything Diary … Really trying to get him to do it. Not trying at all and letting him figure it out “on his own time.” We’ve even tried the wonderful parenting method of lying to him and telling him that the Poop Monster will come in the middle of the night and YANK it out of him if he doesn’t do it in the toilet.

Hey … judge all you want … that method totally worked on my daughter. Poop Monster had her trained in no time.

But my breaking point came last week … when my wife had this brilliant idea “Oh we’re just make him walk around bottomless all day. That’s what Blah Blah did with her kid and it worked because he hated the feeling.”

Yeah well Blah Blah’s kid ain’t our kid, cuz he don’t hate the feeling.

I don’t think he even knows the feeling of when he’s gotta go and how to get it out, because I’m in the living room minding my own business while Bottomless Jones is just sittin’ there on his knees, playing with his toys.

And I look over … and suddenly … AHHHHH!!! … There’s just a log layin’ there.

Shot right out like a sausage being inserted into it’s casing, and it’s just layin’ there on the back of his leg. Still connected to the tap too!

And him … he’s just sittin’ there … playin’ Batman and not even reacting to this disaster scene that’s going on.

You know I never fully understood that whole song with the “Do the stanky leg” … but this seems like a pretty good representation of that.

Oh and Diary … of course I’m calm … cool … and collected.

Oh who am I kidding? I’m freakin’ out … OH MY GOD THERE’S A SITUATION IN HERE! CODE BROWN! CODE BROWN!

So you see what I saying here? There’s no hope. I don’t wanna hear your advice … I just wanna be heard! Ain’t that what ladies say all the time? Well I’m saying it too.

And really it’s just part of the bigger picture of this rant … Why are kids so gross?

And more importantly … Why do they not even care how gross they are?

That’s what blows my mind. I mean just yesterday, I’m sitting on the couch next to Stanky Leg … with pants on this time at least. And he just smells retched … dropping gas bombs left and right. Meanwhile he had just eaten a big bowl of Doritos, so he had Dorito dust all over his face, and now he’s just sucking on his orange Dorito fingers while his entire hand is jammed in his mouth.

Uh … gross. And how does he not care that he’s that disgusting?

You know, don’t bother trying to find a diet plan this January that works best for you. Just sit next to Mr. Sour Fart Dorito Face and you won’t eat for a week.

So jealous of you jerks that decided not to have kids sometimes. Hate you so hard!

Alright well … pep talk over.

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

Realistic Resolutions You Can Actually Keep

Dear Diary …

January. Ugh.

So you know what that means … everybody’s talking about their New Year’s Resolutions. Oh my God!

While I was on vacation … my wife likes to watch all those morning TV talk shows (And yes … It is not lost on me that her HUSBAND works in morning RADIO and she watches morning TELEVISION instead. But hey .. she cleaned the toilets on Sunday so I can’t complain). Anyway … that’s all those stupid shows talk about this time of year …

“Hey what’s your New Year’s Resolution?”

“Here’s how to stick to your New Year’s Resolution”

Blah, blah blah.

I swear to you … When I’m King of Zackmerica, the term “New Year, New You” is going to be banned, and you go to prison if you say it.

You know … I’m starting to think New Year’s Resolutions were invented by these shows just so they had something to talk about once Christmas was over.

And they’re all so ridiculous … “I’m gonna change. I’m gonna be a different person.”

I got news for you … No you’re not. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE!

How about just accept that and just get out there and be yourself? Heck … I think even Oprah agrees with me on that one!

And at the very least … how about we do this … Let’s make some resolutions that we can actually keep. Quit smoking, lose a hundred pounds, make a million dollars … Yeah … you probably ain’t doing any of those. Face it.

Instead … here’s some suggestions of realistic resolutions you can actually do …

Realistic Resolution #1: If you’re going to take a break from Facebook … Actually take a break from Facebook. AND … don’t be running your mouth about it. Just do it.

People who announce “Just wanna let everybody know I’m taking a break from Facebook” … They never actually take a break from Facebook.

One week later they’re back on “Just reminding everybody … I’m still taking a break from Facebook.”

Oh baloney … now you’re just being a creepy lurker, spying on everybody else in your life, to try and figure out what they say about you when they think you’re gone. And they always hide behind the whole “I’m just sick of the drama.” You ARE the drama! The only people who say stuff like that are the ones that are always causing the drama in the first place. You know says “I’m not crazy?” Crazy people. This is the same rule here.

Realistic Resolution #2: Stop having what I call “The impossible one-sided conversation.”

These are the people who … Now you’re just minding your own business and they’re reading something online or whatever it is and they’ll just randomly say something like …

“Well that’s interesting.”

What? What’s interesting? I have no idea what you’re talking about!

And they never provide follow up and make you drag it out of them. My wife will do this where she’s looking at something on her phone and she’ll just say “That’s funny.”

And then she’ll just leave. Don’t put that out there and then walk away! One-sided conversationer!

And Realistic Resolution #3: Now I know this is petty and ridiculous, but make a promise to the world that when you come up to a speed bump, just drive over the thing at a respectable speed and move on.


Front wheel … THEN ……………………… Back wheel.

Look, I’m not askin’ ya to go all Dukes of Hazzard airborne on these things, but you don’t have to go THAT ridiculously slow.

And don’t gimme the whole “I’m just trying not to do damage my car!” Because here’s the deal … I would totally understand if I saw a $100,000 Bentley doing this, but it’s never that. It’s always somebody in … well … something that looks like my piece of car. Face it … our cars already stink … there’s nothing to protect here. You can slow down a little, but you don’t have to go crazy.

There … real resolutions that you should actually be able to keep. You’re welcome.

Till next time Diary, I say … Goodbye.