Month: April 2016

Two Little Dictators


Dear Diary …

When you take a look at wacky dictators and leaders in this world … You know … the ones who will send you to prison if you look at them funny, or the ones who claim they learned how to walk a three weeks old and force the media report that as a fact. Yeah … those guys.

So you look at them and you think to yourself … How could a human being possibly make such ridiculous demands to other people? And I say say to you … clearly you’ve never had children, because they spend their entire day making senseless demands of everybody around them.

So these dictators are just kids who never grew up, and never have had anyone tell them no. I know this … cuz I live with two little dictators. They make ridiculous demands all day long, and I’m merely their servant trying to figure it all out.

Yesterday I spent 20 minutes getting yelled at by my son because I couldn’t find the TV show he wanted to watch that he would only refer to as “the blue ship one.”

Oh … the “blue ship one” … great!

And this isn’t even a new demand … the other day he said he wanted to watch Power Rangers, which would normally be fine, but he wanted to specifically watch one episode that he would only call “the red one.” Do you have any idea how many different Power Rangers series and episodes there are? I DO!!! And I’m searching thru all of them, like an idiot, just trying to find “the red one.”

Diary … we went out to dinner last week as a family … and Little Kim-Jong Un in training is furious because he wanted a grilled cheese sandwich from a different restaurant. Naturally, the place we’re at has a grilled cheese sandwich on the kid’s menu, because just about every restaurant on Earth has a grilled cheese on the menu. Heck, I’m pretty sure most Chinese restaurants will whip you up a grilled cheese if you ask ’em to.

But Lil’ Kim-Jong demanding the OTHER grilled cheese sandwich. You know, the one he wouldn’t even know the difference between if I put it in front of him while his eyes were closed right now. But when he gets the one from this restaurant, he turns to me and says “I’m not eating it … I will never eat anything EVER again!”

I’m telling you, if he was dictator of North Korea … I’m dead. Firing squad for delivering insufficient nutrition to exalted leader! Bye bye!

My daughter’s no better … Both of them have gotten into this habit I call “The Multi-Tiered Snack Demand.”

Now Diary … I spend the majority of my free time doing three things … drinking, complaining, and getting snacks for children. All day long … “I’m hungry. I want a snack!” Then the other one wants a snack, then the first one wants a drink, then the second one wants a drink, and then the cycle starts again.

So I squashed that little charade and make them all do it at once, so they upped the ante and moved on to multi-layered demands, because instead of just asking for Cheez-its, now they say “I want some Cheez-Its, mixed with Goldfish, and then a couple of pretzels, and a Triscuit.” Uh … excuse me?

Oh … and in case you’re wondering … a snack MIX like say … Chex Mix that has all those things in it … yeah that’s not good enough. You gotta be in that pantry like a dodo, hand-mixing all their snack demands.

At dessert my daughter will often say, “I want 6 mini marshmallows, three chocolate chips, two butterscotch chips, and 4 Gummi bears.” NO! I’m not doing that! Or at least I’m gonna say “I’m not doing that,” and then do it because … well … I am the servant.

Hey … while we’re talking dessert I’m laying down the gauntlet down right here right now … Nutella is a dessert … It is NOT a snack! Every kid has got it in their head that that it is somehow exempt from dessert status.

“I want apples and Nutella for my snack.”

That’s not a snack, that is a dessert.

“No it isn’t.”

Yes it is!!!

And don’t let the Nutella people try to lie to you in any capacity. “Oh it’s like peanut butter.” No it isn’t …. It’s cake frosting that you spread on toast. End of story!

If I ever snap and you see me on the news just know … Snacks. That’s the reason.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Green Light Haters and Crimes Against Chicken Wings


Dear Diary …

After years of driving I’ve learned … well I’ve learned what everybody learns … everybody else stinks at it. I could spend every week of this Anger Diary talking about something driving related, and I’d have enough material to get me to the year 3000. Now I don’t do that every week, because that would get boring. However, this week IS one of those weeks.

Now before I start … I should point out that I do get a kick out of the simple fact that we all sit here and say “Yeah … Everybody else is a bad driver. Oh except ME … I’m an excellent driver!” Ok … then who are the bad drivers if we ALL think we’re the exception?

But that’s beside the point … Can’t answer that question anyway. So let’s just move forward.

One thing that I’ve learned is that there are different kinds of drivers. Some people drive slow. Other people drive fast. There’s all sorts of categories of drivers.

For example … I’ve found that there is a group of drivers who hate green lights. I don’t know why they don’t like ‘em, but clearly they hate them, because they seemingly go out of their way to miss green lights, and allow themselves to be trapped at … what I assume instead … are their favorite pretty red lights.

Oh and not just them … as you could probably guess … me as well since I’m the one stuck behind them at the same stupid red light.

“What do you mean? Nobody hates green lights?”

Oh yeah? Well then explain to me why these people seem to have ZERO hustle when it comes to making it thru them?

We’ve all been driving long enough to know roughly how long a light stays green, and there is nothing worse than having that internal clock in your brain while driving behind someone who seemingly has NO concept as to how traffic lights work.

“Bump-a-dump-a-dump … just gonna cruise along here … slightly slower than I should. Ooop! Look at that … I’m at a red light now.”

And look … it’s not that my life is THAT important that I got somewhere super special to be, but I can promise you it’s someplace better than behind the wheel of my stupid car. Life is too short to be wasting it at a traffic light … you gotta get some hustle into it!

OK … moving on Diary …

Now clearly, these green light haters, that’s a whole thing that I wanna make illegal when I’m King of Zackmerica. So let me give you another one while I’m at it … and I don’t care how old or young you are … crimes against chicken wings will be punishable to the fullest extent of the laws.

Kids are the worst at this. I’ve had to watch my daughter and her friends commit chicken wing abuse time and time again, where we Moms and Dads order delicious chicken wings for everybody to enjoy.

And I don’t know about you … but I can eat me my share of chicken wings. There’s pretty much always room for at lest one more. And there is no bigger travesty than when you want another wing and realize they’re all gone … and then you see it … that wing sitting on some kid plate … with like two tiny bites taken out of it and 90% of the deliciousness just sitting there … RUINED.

“Oh you can just eat it”

No you can’t!

Kid mouths are gross. Even your own kids … but especially other people’s kids. You have no idea why kind of bacteria and boogers they’ve been lickin’ all over that chicken wing. So instead … you gotta just throw that poor wing out. Bye bye little angel … total crime against chicken wing humanity.

So you know what? As a leader … sometimes the right decision isn’t always the easiest decision. Kid … enjoy prison. They’ll learn!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

I Will Never Grow

Dear Diary …

I’m a family man now. Wife. Two kids. House with a fence. All that stuff.

And when you become a family man, you learn to have new perspectives on things in your life. You may have thought a different way in your youth, but now you are older and wiser, and you have things figured out a little better.

For example … I have learned that my family will never allow me to grow beyond where I am today. This is it for me. Break out the camera and take a picture, because I’m on the top of my Mount Everest, and I will never get beyond where I am today!

And I say this because any time I try to do things to grow beyond this point, the family springs into action and squashes them.

Now … I prefer to look at it this way … I have everything I could possibly need to be happy. So I can sit here and bask in the glory of the things I have.

Yeah … I look at it that way because the alternative is that these people are holdin’ me down, man, and I’m just trapped in their web. Never to escape. Welcome to the stationary bike of life old man … cuz you ain’t gettin’ nowhere no matter how hard you pedal!

So yeah … I’m … the first one and stuff about the being perfect and happy. That one.

OK so I know you’re asking … how can you say that? What are you even talking about?

I’ll give you an example …

I wanna do this little side project thing on YouTube. Cuz, you know, people get rich on YouTube, and I think the idea is pretty good. So that involves learning video editing … putting the videos together … basically taking some time and concentration to get it done.

And every time I sit down to do it … All of a sudden it’s as if I’m just a giant magnet, and everybody in the house is immediately sucked into the room and stuck to the side of me. Askin’ stuff …

“Daddy I want Cheez-Its”
“Can you come outside with me so I can ride my bike?”
“What are we having for dinner? What are you making?”
“I’m meeting some friends for wine, can you watch the kids?”

AHHHH!!!!

See … no focus. No time. And no grow. This is it.

And it’s not just the family … the universe is in on this too. And they think they’re hilarious with the ways they mess with me.

So I dabble from time to time in the world of daily fantasy sports. You know, those websites with the really annoying commercials with the guy dancing around with the big check that you never gonna win? Yeah … those things.

So the baseball season starts, and I put some money in for the first couple days. And I … STINK. Hello last place! And goodbye money! You know that emoji with the money with the little wings on it? Yeah … it’s that. So obviously, this is not making me happy.

So I decide … You know what? I’m that choice A thing … the one where I have everything I need to be happy. I ain’t gonna play this anymore.

But then the next day, I get a text message from a friend of mine, “Hey I got a free entry to try to win $2. Throw me together a lineup cuz I don’t know baseball.”

OK fine … stink anyway … who cares? I throw it together. And what happens? It is the greatest lineup in the history of my career. A lineup that would’ve won ANY of those contests that end with some guy dancing around with a big check.

But what did it win here? $2. And nothin’ else cuz I didn’t use it. Now even when I DON’T play I’m in a bad mood!

Thanks a lot universe! You are HI-LARIOUS!

So yup … this is it for me. The wall. Hit it. Done.

But remember … we’re going with the whole “Choice A … this is awesome” thing. Right? [[SNIFF]] … Right??????

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Things You Think Are Romantic, But Aren’t


Dear Diary …

I get it … romance is hard. Finding the right person is hard. Keeping the right person is hard. Dealing with the wrong person is hard.

I know we’re all trying, but there are certain things that people do that are totally screwing it up for themselves. And really … they’re screwing it up for other people too … because you’re givin’ other people bad ideas.

So today I bring to you some things that, for whatever reason, you think are romantic … but totally aren’t.

1) Feeding each other

“Oh baby we are so in love and are out to a romantic dinner … let me stick my fork full of food into your mouth.”

And maybe you’re in the moment and think you’re doing a good job, but as an outside observer, the entire experience is grody and uncomfortable to be a witness to. I’m always very nervous for the person who’s being fed the food, because it always seems like the ratio of fork speed, distance, and location isn’t going correctly, and there person is gonna get a fork full of cake jammed up their nose.

And even if it does go into their mouth there’s this awkward exchange of … how far do I stick it in? How long do I leave it there? Do I pull it out of her mouth, or does she back away?

See? None of this is romantic! You wanna share your cake? Let her get a forkful of your cake. Don’t be stickin’ it in there.

2) Same siders

Now this is a popular one, but I bring it up next because it often goes hand in hand with the food feeders … who also love to do it while sitting on the same side of the table at a restaurant.

“Oh but we love each other and we just wanna SNUGGLE!”

Ok fine … but to the rest of us, you just look like a couple waitin’ for their friends to show up.

And furthermore … who wants to have a conversation out of the side of their head for an entire meal?

“Hey I’m talking to you, but I’m just trying to look at you out of the corner of my eye while I eat my cheeseburger. How’s it goin’ baby?”

I mean … when you’re at home … you don’t sit on the same side of your table while the rest of the room is empty. Nobody does that! So why are you doing it when you’re out in public … where people can actually see you?

And that brings me to number three … because I’m sure you’re gonna say “It’s cuz we’re so in love.” Yeah that’s …

3) Over the top with the moosh moosh

Hey you can be in love. I’m in love. But I don’t lay it on thick like you moosh mooshers.

Like when you ask one of these people … “Who’s your celebrity crush?” Or your Man Crush Monday or whatever …

“Oh it’s my husband. He’s my celebrity crush.”

First of all … that’s not the game! No offense, but unless you’re married to Joe Manganello, your husband’s a nobody. I’m sure he’s a wonderful person, but he’s no celebrity. You got neighbors that don’t even know his name. He doesn’t count!

You know darn well from time to time you think Channing Tatum’s giant head is dreamy, or you like the way Justin Timberlake’s sexy voice makes you feel on the inside. And if you say ”no I don’t” … well then you’re lying to me as well as lying to yourself.

Or this one … “Oh he’s my husband AND he’s my best friend.”

Oh Lord! Again … you can love each other … AND like hanging out, but quit layin’ it on so thick. Here’s a shocker … you are allowed to ALSO have a friend that you like to hang out with too!

Cuz guess what? I bet if I ask him who his best friend is (when you’re not around), he says “Steve” and you’re not Steve!

He likes you too, but he also likes to complain about you to Steve when you’re being annoying. That’s love! And THAT’S a best friend!

This is why we have so many divorces … people get the wrong idea about what’s supposed to be romantic and “in love,” and they get all disappointed when it’s not. They’re brains are very impressionable, and you gotta stop fillin’ their heads with such bad ideas!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.