You Get No Equity

Dear Diary …

When you raise kids, life pretty much becomes a daily exercise in taking care of them.

You gotta feed ‘em … The 247 times a day they ask for snacks. Seriously, I’m starting to think maybe my daughter has a tapeworm, because the snacks NEVER end.

You gotta protect ‘em … From the fact that they are seemingly out to send themselves to the emergency room on a daily basis. And as they’re sprinting around the living room you’re telling them “Be careful or you’re gonna fall and hit your head on the coffee table,” and they lovingly say “No I won’t!” And then, they fall and hit their head on the coffee table and say “Oh my head! I hit it on the coffee table!! WHYYYYYY?????”

So yeah … you also gotta teach ‘em …. Every time they’re being little pukes who think they got all the answers in the world, and you gotta knock them down a few pegs and make them realize they don’t. Or at least let the coffee table make ‘em dizzy a little bit to hopefully knock some sense into them.

So anyway … you gotta do all these things. Every day. And what I’ve learned is that, to the children, none of this counts for anything. You get zero equity with children. I don’t care how much you do for them, or buy for them, or take them places in a given day … The next day, in their little minds, it is a totally clean slate and as far as they are concerned, you have done nothing.

Here’s an example … I took my son to a birthday party this weekend. Which any parent will tell, might actually be one of the levels of hell. If I die and go to the burny place, and I find out hell is just one neverending kid’s birthday party … yeah that really wouldn’t surprise me.

But like I said … it’s what you do for them … so we’re doing it. And before the party has even started, my son says, “What day is Colin’s birthday party?”

It’s today. We’re leaving in ten minutes.

“No! When’s his NEXT birthday party?”

Next YEAR!!! It’s in ONE YEAR and ten minutes. Can we not at least get thru this party before you start talking about the next one?

You get no equity!

The last time the kids had a school break … my daughter had this week long adventure of kid awesome … out riding her bike every day with her friends, play dates galore both at her house and their house … sometimes more than one a day … fun trips out, etc etc. So we do this for five straight days, and on the sixth day she asks if one of her friends can come over. Well that friend was busy that day, so the answer was no.

And what does she say?

“It’s not fair. I NEVER get a playdate!!!”

Oh you little **** … Oh … Excuse me … Got a little worked up there.

But seriously … you gonna pull this crap with me? “I NEVER get a play date” … Get outta here with that!

No equity.

Two weekends ago … it was action-packed kid weekend … birthday party, soccer game, dance rehearsal, playdate, school function. And when I get up Sunday morning … first step on the ground and my son says “Daddy what are we DOING today?”

Nothing! We are doing nothing! Now go watch TV until your brain melts and leave me alone!

Till next time Diary, I say Goodbye.

Moms Are Annoying

Dear Diary …

Today I’m going to tackle … Moms. Now, I’m not going to actually tackle Moms like this is a football game, though I feel like some Moms might tackle ME by the time this is all over.

But here’s the thing … Don’t kill me.

I’m not saying the things I’m about to say because as a put down to any Moms. I’m saying them because I wanna help Moms get past some facts and opinions that are out there. I like Moms. I’m married to one. Ya’ll are awesome. Without you doing the things you do, we’re all screwed.

At the same time … Can we all agree that this current generation of Moms has gotten kind of annoying? No all of ‘em … again … don’t kill me … But you gotta admit that we got a bunch of bad apples that are trying to make the whole batch of Moms turn rotten.

Is it because we’ve given them all blogs? Because their blogs are kinda scary if you read ‘em for too long. Like they’re all on the edge, and they’re just gonna SNAP one of these days.

And I don’t know … Maybe Moms of generations past had the same kooky thoughts, and we just didn’t know about it because they didn’t have blogs.

But I don’t think so … I think we’ve all become part of the problem because we totally cater to the “I’m a busy Mom” crowd for just about everything. I mean … that’s all Pinterest is … bunch of Mom recipes, Mom crafts, Mom ideas, and Mom motivational quotes that you put on the wall.

Hey I know you’re busy … I feel like everybody’s busy for the most part … but this group of Moms is out to make sure you know they’re busy, and that it’s also somehow your fault that they are and you’re gonna owe them something for it later.

Diary … I watch a lot of Food Network. Cuz 1) I’m a food nerd, and 2) With my job, I kinda operate on Stay-At-Home Mom hours a little bit. And what Food Network has done is totally bounce any kind of actual chef from their programming, and now it’s just a parade of “I’m a busy Mom” cooks who plop a bunch of things on plates and call it a day.

The other day I’m watching the show “The Kitchen” … which is sort of like “The View” but about 10 times more annoying and only about food. They had their “Busy Mom o’ the Day” sharing her whatever recipe and gives everybody a plate at the end to taste, but she forgets to make one for herself and immediately says “Oh just like a Mom, I always forget to serve myself!” Ugh. And everybody on that show … what do they do? Laugh uproariously. DON’T ENCOURAGE HER!!!

Woman … you deserve to eat too … serve yourself! Quit pullin’ this whole … “Oh I give all of myself cuz I’m all out about my babies and nothing else on Earth about me matters.” Forget that! I got kids … they don’t deserve that much of anybody’s time and effort. They can get some, but they sure as heck haven’t earned the right to have a personal Mom servant at their every beck and call.

So cut it out! You’re a woman. You’re awesome. Quit turnin’ into some sort of Mom-Cyborg that “does … nothing … but … serves … the … humans.” Cuz you know what? As a Dad … let me level with you … not attractive.

And here’s what I don’t understand … you’d think they’d be less uptight about the whole thing because the whole Boozy Wine Mom Subculture is on FIRE right now. So why they so angry? Shouldn’t a glass or 6 of wine make them a little more relaxed? Sheesh!

OK … I’m gonna go get killed now.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Everything Is Under Construction

Dear Diary …

Alright this is me kind of complaining about my own backyard, but I think everyone can relate to this situation. And also, I’m fairly confident that many can share in this situation because the entire city of Roanoke is under construction right now. What the heck is going on here?

Everywhere I turn … highway … secondary road … residential street … they’re digging something up.

And I’m trapped by ‘em … I live near the Towers Shopping Center, and that road currently looks like a large earthquake ripped it apart about a week ago. And if you think you’re gonna be able to escape it by going to the other side of the shopping center … that construction is even worse over there.

Oh and if you get past it, Franklin Road is a mess … and if you get on the highway … well you can forget about it there too.

So you know where the escape is? Nowhere! There is no escape! We’re trapped!

Look … I’m all for making improvements, plus the jobs everybody gets for doing the improvements, but was it really necessary to do ALL of these improvements at exactly the same time?

Oh I don’t know … How about we take all these people, put ’em on the same job, and bang it out in an hour, instead of having 247 different projects running at the same time that all take six months to complete?

I drive a car that wasn’t made in this century … any extra time I gotta spend in it is unpleasant. It’s got 18 years of farts in that upholstery!!

OK … moving on Diary … I’d like to pass along a little helpful hint to everybody out there …

If you own a house … yes … you own that house … and the lawn … and you’re technically even responsible for the sidewalk in front of the lawn … but one thing you don’t own is the parking space on the street in front of your house.

Why do so many people act like it’s the most egregious injustice of humanity if somebody else DARES park in that parking space?

That’s MY space!

Yes. On a public street. That you don’t own.

Hey … I get it … It’s the space closest to your house. So it’s definitely the most convenient place for you to park, but it’s not your God-given right to always park there.

I mean … if your argument was correct … that you own the space in front of your house and nobody else can park there … then where does anybody else on Earth park when they leave their house? By your logic, they’ve left the one parking space on the planet that they own … so now what?

And the best part is these people who think they “own” the space … Guess what happens if there’s a pothole there? Oh now they’re suddenly they’re on the phone with the city, complaining about how they need to get down there and fix their road.

But I thought YOU owned it? So if you do, you get out there and fix the pothole then.

You don’t own that space. It’s nice if you get to use it, but other humans can park there too.

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

Deaths Don’t Come In Threes

Dear Diary …

So Prince dies. Which by the way … stinks. Really mad at you 2016. Why do you hate celebrities so much? Especially legendary musicians. Cut it out!

But here’s what I’m going to do, I’m going to use this negative time to try to enforce positive change. This change being that we finally all agree … celebrities do NOT “die in threes.”

Every time a celebrity dies I gotta hear it from somebody “Oh who’s next? They always die in threes!”

No they do not!

And furthermore, these people have the loosest math as part of their argument … “Yup first it was Prince, then Chyna, and then the guy who wrote the Mister Softee ice cream jingle.”

He does not count!

Meanwhile somebody else is sayin’ … “Yup … it’s in threes … David Bowie … Glenn Frey … and now Prince. Three music people.”

Oh so now we’re dividing up the deaths by genre of celebrity?

And I got yet another dingbat is saying to me “Prince died. Who’s gonna be number two? Cuz they always happen in threes!”

If nothing else, would you people all get on the same page with your statistics!!!

When does it start? When does it end? What is the appropriate level of celebrity to even count?

You have no idea what you’re talking about. And even if they do … by some weird, cosmic thing … happen in certain numerical bundles, how do you know we’re supposed to reset the counter at three? Maybe they die in fives? Maybe they die in elevens?

Or maybe … oh I don’t know … Maybe they just die, because death just happens? Happy Angry Tuesday!

OK … Moving on Diary .. Let’s talk breakfast.

Mmmm … breakfast.

Now … is it the most important meal of the day?

Lots of people will tell you it is and how the key to a healthy lifestyle is to start your day with a nice, balanced breakfast.

But at the same time, I see plenty of restaurants out there making great money selling just giant plates of dessert and passing them off as breakfast. Diary … they make Cupcake Pancakes now for the love of God! That’s definitely not what anybody had in mind when they told you it was the most important meal of the day.

Oh if that’s not enough for you, don’t worry … You can get stuffed french toast … so it’s all the desserty goodness on the outside, with a big pile of cake frosting splooginess on the inside to go along with it. And don’t forget to top it with whipped cream and a whole lotta syrup.

Do we even care anymore?

My favorite is that we’ll take that big plate o’ diabetes and throw some strawberries on it so we can say “Well it’s got fruit in it.”

Yes … Bravo. You had your fruit.

Oh and a muffin … let’s not sit here and act like that ain’t just a cupcake without frosting on it. And the best part? A lot of ‘em HAVE frosting on them anyway … Breakfast of Champions!

[[Side note: I wanted to say something hilarious here like “Breakfast of Champions … of Bowling!” but they all sounded stupid like that one.]]

Anyway … eat it if you want … but don’t be callin’ it breakfast. Just call it “First Dessert” and be on your way.

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.