Women and Their Batteries

Dear Diary …


Women are odd creatures.  I understand very little about them.  Also,  they are all very different creatures too.


One woman says, “Flowers are the most romantic thing a man can do as a little thing just to say I love you.”  Meanwhile, the woman next to her will say, “Flowers are stupid.  They just die.  If my man gets me flowers, he’s an idiot.”


So basically as men, we’re screwed.  We’re never gonna get it right.  One woman says, “I just wish he would share his advice with me more often.”  While the other says, “Shut up with your opinion, oppressor!”


Now that said, one thing they DO all have in common … no woman I know has a cell phone with more than 17% battery on it at any given time. I’m not ever sure if their phones go up to 100% to begin with!


I recently went on a family road trip, and as we started the drive one day my wife immediately said, “Oh my phone’s about to die … I gotta charge it.”  This was first thing in the morning.   Why did you not charge it last night?  How does that even happen?


I was at an event last week … met a woman working the event and she says … “Ooooh … let’s take a selfie!”  And I can see on that screen as we’re doing the selfie … 14%.  14!  You just got here!  How have you planned SO poorly for this?


“My phone’s about to die” … I can’t remember the last time I heard a man say that in my presence.  I mean … Hmmm … if only there was a way to plug that phone into electricity and give it more power so it wouldn’t die all the time.  Hmmmmmmmm


OK … Moving on Diary … manners are important.  And as a parent, I of course try to teach that to my kids.  Say please and thank you, be polite, all that stuff.  And they do that … mostly … but the problem is that kids don’t actually understand the correct usage of the word “please.”


The correct usage is in the form of a question … like “Can I please have something to eat?”  You ask that, and then you receive an answer that could go either way.


To them, the word “please” is an automatic guarantee of a yes answer.


“Can I have cake for dinner?”


No.  No you can’t.




No.  The answer is still no.


“Pretty please?”






Look I don’t care if you said please.  And I don’t care if you say “please please please please please” Which they like to do like waterboarding torture on your forehead… That doesn’t guarantee the yes answer.


I say “please leave me alone,” and you don’t do that.  See?


“Please?” is a question … not a mandate you little rugrat.


Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

You’re No Expert

Dear Diary …

Where do I even start? I go on vacation for two weeks and it feels like the whole world has fallen apart. Every day you wake up and there’s a new terrible story in the news. And before you can even fully process that story … another one takes it’s place the next day.

It’s terrible … but what’s the solution? Honestly, I don’t know. But you know what else? Neither do you!

And by “you” I mean the person who sees the latest breaking news and immediately runs to social media to spew their opinion about it. No solutions … no discussion … just a one-sided rant about their own personal opinion.

In the last two weeks I see a lot posts from people who act like they’re an expert on all things legal, ethical, racial, and political … and yet and the same time here we all are, talking about “these are the two best candidates we can find to run for President?”

Well clearly it’s because the REAL experts have decided not to run for political office. Instead, they just keep their wisdom contained in ranty Facebook posts and Twitter attacks. That ain’t the solution.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … it starts with respect … and we gotta do more of it toward each other. We don’t have to agree on everything … and really we SHOULDN’T agree on everything … but we gotta respect each other’s opinions if we’re ever gonna get anything done.

And if you think you got all the answers … great! Then do something with ‘em. Don’t sit around and tell other people what to do from your keyboard … go and do it yourself.

I’ve seen that a lot this past week with the Pokemon Go stuff … people posting …

“These Pokemon players should be doing better things with their time. They should be out there handing out water to homeless people on the streets that are thirsty.”

Um … don’t see you handin’ out no waters to no homeless people. So don’t be telling them what to do. How about you try leading by example first, and then we can see where it goes from there?

And really … I don’t get the whole making fun of the Pokemon Go players anyway. If they wanna do it … good for them. It’s not any worse than fantasy football or just wasting an hour watching funny videos on YouTube. And furthermore … Given the real life news all around us … it sounds much more appealing to me right now to bury my nose in my phone and try to find me Squirtle or a Pikachu.

To be clear … I looked those names up on the web. I don’t play. I can’t. I’m that loser that still plays Candy Crush. I’ll get hooked. And then … I’ll get divorced. And I’m way too cheap to wanna pay for no divorce. But if you can handle it, more power to ya.

Anyway … respect. Give more of it. Then you’ll get more of it. Then you’ll give some more, then you’ll get some more. That’s the kind of cycle we need to start. This is America … start actin’ like it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.