Everything Starts Too Late

Dear Diary …

So … we got the Presidential Debates happening. And before you freak out, I’m not actually going to talk about the debate because … well … I want to live … and I don’t want everybod to get all fired up about this person said this or that person did that. I don’t care!

What I DO want you to get fired up about is this … 9pm start time. Too … freakin’ … late.

This is the time of year for all that stuff … debates, prime time football, baseball playoffs … all that stuff starts too freakin’ late.

And don’t you get all, “Aww … old man can’t stay up past 9:30?”

First of all … no I can’t. Second of all … that doesn’t matter. You should still be mad on your own behalf.

What do we hear all the time in the news? “People don’t get enough sleep. A full night’s sleep is the most important thing for you and your health and your productivity at work.”

And then what do they do? Start everything at 9pm and keep you up past midnight.

And here’s their argument EVERY time … What about the people on the West Coast?

You know what? Screw those people!

We don’t even care about out neighbors anymore, so why should we care about these West Coast snoots and their special little time zone? They already get the perfect weather and all the celebrities and great restaurants and Las Vegas … They have enough advantages as it is.

Hey you ever notice how everybody on the West Coast is so good lookin’?

Yeah … it’s because THEY get a full night’s sleep because us idiot East Coasters are catering to their every need! Too freakin’ late!

OK moving on Diary … I hate getting punished for things that aren’t my fault.

That’s the worst. You didn’t do anything wrong, but you still end up being the person that pays for it.

And it stinks in particular with something I’ll call “The Parent Punishment.”

Like the other day when I get home from work and my wife brings our son home from school and informs me … Lennon was rude to me in the car and he has lost his iPad privileges for the day. OK … I gotta run out … I’ll be home in like four hours. Remember … no iPad because he’s punished!

He’s punished? I’M punished because now I gotta entertain him all afternoon!

You wanna dole out a punishment? Fine. But you gotta be there to administer it too.

I wanted a nap, and now I’m sitting having to spend quality time with my child. Gross!

And kids … here’s some helpful advice from your old friend Zack Jackson … would you just LISTEN your parents? Sometimes I swear you just get it in your head that you’re gonna just be a little turd until we’re finally forced to punish you. And whether you believe it or not, we do NOT wanna punish you, because it punishes us too.

I can’t tell you how many times we’re all supposed to go out to some party as a family, and one of the kids decides they’re gonna be a little jerk and then I have to threaten, “We will NOT go to the party if you keep this up.”

I’ll let you in on a little secret … You know what I’m saying on the inside? “I wanna go to a party… please don’t make me stay home with your misbehaving butt!”

So again … LISTEN. Oh … yeah … they’re not paying attention anymore already. Great! Now we’re getting punished!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Nutella Scam

Dear Diary …

I come to you today to expose a SCAM that is going on right underneath your nose. You are being lied to, taken advantage of, and ripped off. Because Nutella is NOT a snack … it is a DESSERT!!!

Children are scamming us parents and they’re using Nutella against us as a way to sneak extra desserts into their lives. I mean … my daughter already gets TWO desserts. Every day! One after lunch and one after dinner. And now when she comes home from school I get, “Could I have Nutella toast for my snack?”

No! Nutella is a dessert!

“No it isn’t. It’s a snack.”

I don’t know who told you that, but just because it’s got a picture of a nut on the jar, that don’t make it a snack.

Let me ask you this … would you give your kid a piece of toast with chocolate cake frosting on it and call it a snack? I’m hoping your answer is no … right?

OK good … then let me point something out to you … Nutella has more calories, more fat, and more sugar than cake frosting.

So if anything, you should be trying to scam me into thinking that cake frosting is a snack … not Nutella! Look … it’s delicious … I agree. But it’s NOT a snack. You’re little scam is over with.

Moving on Diary … Here’s a phrase I would like banned from the English language … “I didn’t mean to.”

And this applies in particular to children because I hear this one ALL the time when they spill something, drop something, break something, or whatever.

“Yeah but I didn’t mean to.”

Yes … I understand that accidents happen, but you should also be more careful and try not to set yourself up for failure.

For example … we got this BIG painting that hangs over the couch in our living room. And the other day my daughter is jumping and flailing around on the couch … tosses her head back, and knocks the whole gigantic painting off the wall. Luckily I was there to catch it, so I didn’t end up with a cartoon-like situation where it falls right through her head and the painting is completely ruined.

“But I didn’t mean to!”

I know you didn’t MEAN to, but that doesn’t make it a total accident. I can guarantee you that I could sit on that couch every day for the next 100 years, and this isn’t going to happen to me because I’m not going to fling my arms all over the place and jerk my head back like a Pez dispenser when I sit down.

I’m just going to sit. Normally. So the picture is never going to fall off.

I’m also never going to spill my bowl of Cheezits all over the floor because I’m not going to carry the bowl on the tips of my fingers while I toss the bowl all over the place and carelessly run through the house. I might spill ‘em cuz I’m drunk, but that’s the only time.

I don’t know what it is about kids carrying food and drink where they just think they can hold it in any ridiculous way they want and there won’t be any consequences. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve given my son a plate of food to carry and he immediately tilts the whole thing forward and spills it on the floor. What did you think would happen if you did that you dodo?

And yes, you’re four, so you haven’t taken a physics class yet, so I get it if it happens once. Maybe twice. But after that, your tiny brain should be able to say say, “hey maybe I shouldn’t tip my plate while I carry it around.”

“But I didn’t mean to!”

Outta here with that. Till next time Diary, I say … goodbye

The World Needs a Charger

Dear Diary …

With the announcement of the new iPhone last week, there were a bunch of new features, but the message that stands out above all else is this … now there’s one more thing we need a charger for.  Headphones … you know … with a cord … you just plug ‘em in and you’re done. Wireless headphones … well those need a battery and now you gotta charge ‘em.’

And this isn’t “Dump on the iPhone Time” … let me be clear … I bought one. I’m excited.

This is a growing just trend throughout the world … everything needs a charger.

Phone. Charger.

iPad. Charger.

Watch. Charger.

Speakers. Charger.

Heck I saw a pair of SHOES the other day that lit up on the bottom. And guess what? You gotta plug ‘em into your computer to charge ‘em. Everything needs a charger.

And this is my nightmare, because my life is totally ruled by battery power. I’m obsessed with it, and I stress out about it when I don’t have it.

“Oh my God, I’m at 83% and it’s only 8:30 in the morning, how am I gonna make it thru the day?”

“Oh my God, I got 37% and it’s 5pm and I gotta go out tonight and how am I gonna make it thru the night?” AHHHH!!!!

This is my brain all the time now. They say people check their phones 100 times a day, and I totally do. But it isn’t to check for texts or emails, I don’t care about you people, it’s simply to see how much battery percentage I have left.

And at least on my phone, there’s a little number that tells me.. On these smaller things like speakers and headphones …. There ain’t no percent bar for me to even look at, and now I just gotta sit there and worry …

“Oh my God, I think I listened for 45 minutes today, do I have enough to make it thru one more trip the gym?”

And don’t you gimme this “Just charge it more often” … I got 247 things plugged in … I ain’t go no more outlets! My shoes are charging for crying out loud!

And furthermore, these stupid batteries start crappin’ out on ya if you charge ‘em too often. My son has a tablet. Used to last 6 hours. Now it’s two and a half. Diary … that’s three and a half more hours a day I’m expected to parent him! [[Ugh]]

Hey I like all the wireless technology … I’m all for it. We just need to invent a battery that never goes dead. Like ever. I don’t think that’s too much to ask!

OK moving on Diary … Let me call this section “Things That Shouldn’t Exist Because They Are Dumb and Useless.”

Battery that never goes dead … we need that.

Fine point pens on the other hand … NEVER should exist.

Nobody needs these things … they are too pointy and rippy on your paper, and they leave all those ugly ink globules all over the place too. They shouldn’t even be allowed to sell ‘em.

Same goes for a medium firmness toothbrush. What kind of robot metal mouth can even stand to use those gum rippers? Also, no dentist in my life has ever recommended them. This ain’t like four out of five dentists recommending Trident … It’s ALL of them. They all recommend SOFT. So why does medium even exist?

If they don’t work right and nobody should use them … nobody should be allowed to sell them either. Just about every plumber on Earth will tell you to basically never put anything down your garbage disposal because it will eventually just clog the drain. So again, garbage disposal people … either make one that works, you don’t exist anymore. End of story!

Till next time Diary, I say goodbye.