The Personal Shopper

Dear Diary …

Christmas is in the air.  And it is … it’s in the air and you can’t say anything about it!  Thanksgiving is OVER … so now all you people complaining about store decorations or Christmas music or whatever … you’re DONE!  We are now all in agreement that it is here.  Which of course means … it’s time to Christmas shop.

And what I’ve learned when you’ve got kids is that everybody in your life turns you into their own personal shopper.  Cuz they all wanna be told EXACTLY what to buy for the kids.  Which that alone I’m OK with.  You want the kids to get something they actually want, don’t already have, whatever.

So if you wanna know an exact item, I’m cool with that.  But it doesn’t stop there … all the grandparents then just say … “OK well just go ahead and order it and let me know how much I owe you.”

Let me get this straight … I come up with the item.  Then I go buy it.  Then I wrap it.  And then the card says it’s from you?

Why you gettin’ all the credit?  I did all the work!

Now I know how Santa’s elves feel!  They bust their litte butts in that workshop all year long, and then their boss takes all the credit for the presents.

And not only that … everybody is on my back right away …

“I need to know what to get the kids, I want to get my shopping done right away!”

So by the time I dole out a bunch of stuff from the kids’ Christmas lists to grandma, grandpa, Santa, I realize that Mommy and Daddy are then left with the scraps.

“Geez … Mom and Dad sure did cheap out on the gifts.”

You stole all the good ones!  That I bought in the first place, and you took all the credit for!

Oh and they gotta have all their lists right away, but when you ask THEM what they want, so you can get YOUR shopping done too, all you get in return is …

“Oh you know … whatever.  Surprise me!  I love everything!”

You do NOT love everything, you liar!  I know this for a fact because every time you come visit you’re complaining about something, which clearly does not sound like somebody who loves everything.  So don’t tell me you love everything.

But Diary … I get it … ultimately it’s all about the kids and the joy in their little faces when they get those presents they want soooo bad.  On the down-side, all my son wants this year is LEGOs … tons and tons of LEGOs.

So you know what that means?  Daddy is gonna have a LOT of work to do on Christmas afternoon putting together set after set of LEGOs, which I’m sure will then be taken apart and all the pieces will be mixed up and missing by New Years.

Yes … clearly it’s about the children, cuz I’m gonna be busy weeping in the corner at my lost LEGO comrades.  Why was the Kraggle considered such a bad thing in “The LEGO Movie” anyway?  It’s the only thing that saves these precious (and expensive) LEGO sets!

Oh yeah … the Dad in the movie is supposed to be the bad guy because he DARES krazy glue all the LEGO sets together.  He’s the ONLY one preserving all the money that was spent!

I’m a fan of the Kraggle.  If there was some way to just dip the sets in and … BOOM … frozen in time?  I’m on it!

So yeah … Happy Holidays!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Stranded and Abandoned

Dear Diary …

There are times in your life where you are vulnerable, and you need someone to be there for you.  To support you through the tough times and carry you through to the other side.  And in most cases, you would think that the people you can rely on the most in the world during these times would be your family.

Through thick and thin … they will have your back and be there for you.  Well … that’s a lie.

Because Diary … during MY time of need.  My family abandoned me.  And they were right there in the house, and yet still managed to leave me stranded.  On the toilet.  Without any toilet paper.

That is the WORST!

And yes, in a perfect world, I would’ve checked ahead of time and made sure I had the necessary supplies for my journey, but there was a sense of urgency to this … “situation” … and I didn’t have time to check.

OK … that’s not entirely true.  I did in my head think to look at the current toilet paper situation, and realized it was low, but then I quickly assessed that “poop my pants” was a realistic option that was gonna happen if I waited any longer, so I threw caution to the wind and thought … “My family will rescue me!”

Now my wife is downstairs … I know this because I was just there.  And she was reading a magazine.  Which is a very noble cause, but also something that I would classify as “not that busy.”  So thankfully I have my phone with me, because … you know … Toilet Candy Crush.  So I send her a text, “Hey can you bring me some toilet paper please?”


No response.  No little text bubbles letting me know “I read this and I’m responding.”  No pitter patter of little feet on the stairs to bring me my fresh roll.  Nothin’

So I call.


So I call.


So I call.


OK … failure declared on that one.  In her defense, the vows did cover “richer or poorer” and “in sickness and in health,” but never said anything about “toilet paper over magazine,” so I see where her allegiance lies.

So I then move to plan B … my daughter.

She’s even in her room, which is on the same floor as me.  But unfortunately, I know this, because I can also hear Meghan Trainor blaring from her room.  Kids don’t listen to adult words anyway, but throw in some music or an iPad from them and you can forget it.

So here I am … like an idiot … full on yelling …

“Need some help in here!”

“Need some help in here!”

No response!

Call the wife again … voicemail.

That’s it.  I’m stranded.  This is my new life.  Just a king on his throne.  Deserted by all his subjects.  Never to be heard from again until of course the Wi-Fi isn’t working properly … oh you can be rest assured they’ll hunt down my bathroom body down to let me know!

“Can you fix it?”

Get out of here!

So just remember everyone … in your time of need … when you truly need help … don’t bother calling on your family.  Cuz they don’t care.

Lesson learned.

Till next time Diary … I say …. Goodbye

The Yuck Election

Dear Diary …

Election Day.  What has become months and even years of attacking, arguing, fighting … and I’m not even talking about the candidates … I’m talking about you people on Facebook … but we have FINALLY reached the day where the vote is finally here.

And I’m not going to get in the ring with any of the fighting … and I’m not even going to lash out at all of you people that are doing it … because it ain’t gonna help anyway.  We are all so deeply dug in to our views and opinions, that there’s no hope of climbing out of the ditch in time for this election.

Instead … I’m going to look to the future and try to help us all moving forward.

The other day, I was having a conversation in the car with my seven year old daughter.  She saw a bunch of election signs in somebody’s yard and asked what I thought was a very profound question … “Why is everybody so angry at each other about the election?”

And I don’t even have to answer that question to show you that there’s a huge problem here.  She’s seven.  She sees what’s going on, and even she knows that something ain’t right.  So … let me see if I can summarize all of this in a way that we can all hear.

At my daughter’s school, she has a program called “Happy Healthy Cooks,” it’s a really cool class that teaches the kids about food, nutrition, and how to embrace new ingredients and cuisines that they maybe haven’t tried before.

And one of the main messages of Happy Healthy Cooks is a thing called “The No Yuck Rule.”  And the No Yuck Rule is very simple … it’s OK if you try a food and not like it, but you are not to say “ewwww” or “yuuck” about that food. Because even though YOU didn’t enjoy the food, there might be another person in the class who DID like the food, and when you say “that’s gross!” … that can make that person feel bad, and they may even change their mind about the food, simply because you said “yuck.”

I think it’s a great rule, and I also think that we need The No Yuck Rule to be followed when it comes to our politics too.  Because that’s where we’re at right now … everybody is completely dug in on their opinion, and anything that doesn’t agree with that opinion is “ewwww … gross!!!!”

That’s not how democracy works.  It’s not about never changing your opinion and just trying to force everybody else to agree with you.  It’s about taking differing opinions and learning how to come up with a solution that is best for the country as a whole.

But right now, both sides think they got the only opinion that matters.  And I got news for ya … both of you are lima beans right now.  The food you’re slingin’ tastes terrible, and nobody should have to eat it.  You don’t listen, you don’t compromise, and you don’t have any desire to come up with real solutions.  You just wanna point fingers and call each other yucky, without actually doing anything about it.

I challenge you all to apply The No Yuck Rule to your life.  Actually … I DARE you to do it!  And you know what will happen?

::: GASP :::

We may LISTEN to each other and come up with REAL solutions that help this country move forward.  Amazing!

Go vote today … it’s an important thing to do.  And I’m not gonna try to sway you one way or the other, I just want you to think about what I’ve said, and think about The No Yuck Rule and how we can all get better in the future.  That way my daughter and her classmates can come in and clean up this vomit mess of a meal that we’ve all created.

Till next time Diary, I say, goodbye.

Power Nap Crap

Dear Diary …

We get lied to all the time in this world … especially with promises like “Here’s the miracle diet,” or “Here’s the secret to living to be a hundred years old” … things like that. They sound good in theory, but ultimately nobody knows what they’re talking about and they’re pretty much full of it.

Like this one … the concept of The Power Nap.

On paper … it sounds like a great idea … You just need to take a quick 15 minute nap and you will feel totally refreshed. In fact, it’ll be even more refreshing than a longer nap because your body doesn’t fall into a deep sleep.

OK … that all SOUNDS great … but have you ever tried to actually take a power nap? It’s impossible!

And maybe YOU can magically pull it off in your world, but for me, here’s what happens …

I lay down. And since this is only a 15 minute nap, I obviously gotta set an alarm. So I set it for 15 minutes.

And immediately my brain says …

“OK gotta fall asleep right away we only have 15 minutes better hurry up or we aren’t going to be able to fall asleep and get the 15 minutes and now it’s 14 minutes and we’re running out time and we need to fall asleep and now it’s 13 minutes and maybe I should reset the alarm for another two minutes back or it’s not going to be an appropriate power nap and not I’m gonna get enough of the nap and I don’t know what to do and now it’s 12 minutes … I can’t sleep!”

This is not relaxing!

And even if I do manage to fall right to sleep, you know what happens when my alarm goes off 15 minutes later? I want MORE!

I don’t springeth from my slumber all rejuvinated and ready to tackle the rest of the day. My body says …

“Hey that was awesome … gimme like four more of those!”

And then I’m out cold, no alarm to save me, and I wake up an hour and a half later in the foggy cloud of nap brain.

Thanks a lot power nap! You don’t work at ALL!

Moving on Diary … Here’s a phrase I’d like banned, and then erased from the English language so it can never be found again … “Remind me.”

Oh I hate that phrase. Because it’s abused by lazy people that don’t want accept responsibility for anything in their lives.

“Oh remind me so I don’t forget.”


YOU remind you!

Because I know what you’re doing …. You’re saying “I’m going to forget. And the only way I’m going to do the thing that I’m supposed to do is if YOU follow up.”

So why is it now my responsibility to remind you? Who reminds ME to remind YOU? So if I can remember, you can remember.

And furthermore … we all got phones now that have a little thing in them called “reminders.” So if you need somebody to remind you, then you tell your robot slave to do it, that’s what she’s there for!

Or here’s a crazy idea … take responsibility for once in your life and do what you’re supposed to do without being told a second time.

Till next time Diary .. I say … Goodbye