The Gigantic Birthday List

Dear Diary …

Did you know that my son’s birthday is coming up soon? I did. Because he’s been reminding me every day since the day after Christmas … letting me know ALL the toys he wants for his birthday. Oh … and by “soon,” I mean that his birthday is “three months away.” So … actually I have about 90 more days to hear about what he wants for his birthday.

Oh and in case you were wondering what he wants for his birthday, I can tell you … Everything. He wants absolutely everything.

If he sees a commercial on TV … Daddy I want that for my birthday.

If he sees a LEGO set in a catalog … Daddy I want that for my birthday too.

If he watches a YouTube video with an ad on it … Daddy I want that for my birthday too!

So there you go … that’s his list. “All”

He even came to me last week and said “Daddy we need to make my list for everything I want for my birthday.” And I look over and see him holding a gigantic piece of art construction paper … like he’s making his own billboard.

I mean … at least he’s aware that it’s going to take a piece of paper that size to write down the sheer volume of everything he’s expecting to get. And that’s the problem … his expectations are huge.

So yeah … looking forward to that day in three months when his expectations are crushed. Happy Birthday!

Moving on Diary … I keep my computer in the basement. That’s the office space in the house. It’s where I go to pen my genius that is … well … this. And the reason for having the computer in the basement is obvious … I need to be able to hole up in my creative cave so I can create said genius.

The problem, Diary? As I write these things to you right now EVERYBODY IN MY HOUSE IS STANDING DIRECTLY BEHIND ME AND DRIVING ME INSANE!

I’m down here in the cave, people! You know, penning that genius and stuff, and all I’m getting is 27 different voices in my ear.

[[[A mumbled mess of insanity you probably just need to listen to on the attached audio]]


This is not helping. I mean … Diary … this ain’t genius! Listen to this! I don’t even know what I’m typing anymore because I can’t concentrate to save my life. And every time there’s finally a quiet spot and I think … “Ahhh … OK … now I know what to say…”

[[[More of said insane blabbing of voice]]]

Yup … so this is pretty much the best you’re gonna get. Enjoy!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Time For Whining is Over

Dear Diary …

So you’re probably already aware that this is going down this week … but in case you weren’t … There’s this guy called “the President” … and we’re gettin’ a new one of ‘em on Friday. You know the guy I’m talkin’ about … the one that people either REALLY like or REALLY hate. And the ones that REALLY hate him … they are beside themselves right now and it’s ALL they wanna talk about how “He’s gonna ruin this” or “He’s bad because he did this” or “We’re all screwed because he’s gonna do this!”

And here’s what I say to all that … zip it!

Plain and simple … he’s the President whether you like it or not.

I don’t care who you voted for … one thing is crystal clear … the time for whining is OVER.

Because you now what complaining accomplishes? Nothing!

OK … not “nothing,” because it does accomplish me getting a headache when I gotta listen to it, so the ibuprofen people … they love it. But outside of that, your whining ain’t doing any good for anybody.

If you don’t like something … do something about it. Volunteer your time or donate your money to an organization that supports the thing you believe in, or the law you wanna change, or whatever. That’s the only way the things are going to get better.

Because I can promise you this much, your politicians aren’t gonna say “Oooh well … we WERE gonna overhaul the healthcare system, but that lady keeps whining about it on Facebook, and we probably don’t wanna get on her bad side!”

Doesn’t amtter what side you’re on. The time for whining is over. Either do something about it or get out of the way.

Moving on Diary … Why does your brain love to mess with you so much?

I say it all the time, your brain is your own worst enemy. It forgets things, then reminds you that you forgot them at the exact wrong time. Like when I lay out my clothes to go to the gym after work, then leave the house without bringing them with me, only to be reminded of that fact when I’m about two-thirds of the way to work … just enough distance where I don’t have enough time to turn around and go get it.

That can’t possibly be by accident!

Another thing I think your brain does is purposely wipe your memory clean of something so you end up making the same mistake twice. I mean let’s be honest here … It’s pretty much the only way people have more than one child. My wife was miserable and uncomfortable for nine months, then the birth itself is a harrowing experience, and dealing with a newborn is straight-up exhausting … and yet like a year later she starts thinking “Hey maybe we should have another kid!”

That’s a brainwashing … done by your actual brain!

Since I moved to Virginia, my brain tries to trick me this time every year. And it’s doing it to me again and I’m totally falling for it.

Every single year … right around this time … I think … “Boy we’ve had a really mild winter, and spring is right around the corner!” And then EVERY year … February happens and we get walloped with a couple of snowstorms, my basement starts to flood when it melts, and the whole city loses their minds and it feels like spring is NEVER gonna get here.

And yet here I am … like a dummy … looking at the weather this week and saying, “Boy it’s been really mild … here comes spring!”

And that’s how dumb I even … I can even see this whole thing unfolding, and I’m still falling for it because my brain is in charge and its totally messing with me! Cuz how am I even gonna fight back … punch myself in the head? I’m still gonna be the one that ends up losing!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Pile of Sock Orphans

Dear Diary …

I think we can all agree … It’s time to make some changes.  And normally Diary, I’m not one of these New Year’s Resolution dorks …

“Hey what’s your resolution?”

I just always think they’re phony and we never stick to them.  But you know what? For a lot of reasons 2016 was a big steaming pile, so I think this year I’m board … change is good!

But let’s not stick ourselves with the same lame resolutions … let’s try to come up with some that would actually make the world a better place.

Here’s one … let’s make kids actually do things.

My kids don’t do or play anything … they just watch other people do things. I mean, when I let ‘em play on their iPad … they don’t even play games.  They go on YouTube and watch somebody else play Minecraft.  Or somebody else build LEGOs. Or whatever.  They don’t DO anything!

And I’m not here to be all high and mighty … because I give them their iPads to I can sit and watch other people on TV do stuff that I’m not doing.  Doing stuff is hard, man!  It’s WAY easier to just sit around and watch other people do stuff.

But you know what we are when we do that?  Losers.  I’m saying it about myself, too.  I know you do what I do … sit there … watch other people do stuff … and think, “I could do that if I wanted to.”  But we don’t.  So this year … we’re gonna!

But also … let’s not do dumb things.  My generation of parents … we are idiots.

I have a friend … couple weeks ago … he had to help out at his daughter’s pancake breakfast at school.  6:30 in the morning … on a Saturday!  What is wrong with us?  Why do we plan these things at such stupid times?

He’s the same guy often taking his kid to soccer games … an hour away … for a game that STARTS at 7 on a Saturday morning.  Unacceptable! And why does every kid have to travel now for every activity?  I see plenty of soccer fields in my neighborhood … remind me again why I gotta drive to Martinsville to play on their grassy area instead?

Moving forward … we need to change it up … 2017 is an action year my friends! Time to do better!

But as we move forward … let’s also look back one last time and pour one out for all the sad losses that we had in 2016.  And no, I’m not talking about all the celebrity deaths … forget those people!  I’m talking about how many socks I lost in the laundry in 2016 … It was freakin’ ridiculous!

Diary … I have what I call “The Pile of Sock Orphans.”  Every time the laundry comes back, and I end up missing one sock, it’s poor soulmate gets tossed in The Pile of Sock Orphans.  It’s so sad … like that old Cider House Rules movie … the new load of laundry is the prospecting Mom and Dad … coming into the orphanage … looking to adopt a sad little sock orphan … “Please sir … am I the right color to match you?”

And all that ever happens?  Fresh fish!  New orphan tossed into the pile.

Where do they go?  Is there a black market for solo socks or something, and my wife is making fistfulls of cash selling off one of my socks to these other sad Piles of Sock Orphans?

I mean … there is no other reasonable explanation. Nobody else in the house has a problem with this but me. Where are all my socks???

Till next time Diary … I say .. Goodbye.