Kid Versions of Everything

Dear Diary …

Look … I like kids.

OK wait … I don’t really like kids.

Look … I like MY kids.

OK wait … Sometimes I don’t really like my kids either.

But seriously … kids aren’t that bad.  They got the innocence of youth, they have a fun spirit, they’re more enjoyable than most adults.  That part is definitely true.

That said … I absolutely cannot stand that every show on television is being ruined by children.  Specifically … kid versions of everything.

Dancing With the Stars Junior, Chopped Junior, Master Chef Junior, Kids BBQ Championship, Kids Baking Championship … blah blah blah.  The list goes on for way too long.

Especially with the cooking shows.

Now Diary … you know me … I’m a foodie.  OK I’m actually a grade-A food snob, but the point is … I love food and chefs and cooking shows and things like that.  But I want to watch great chefs making great food, not an 11 year old trying to make a dang casserole.

There’s a reason why 11 year olds don’t run restaurants … they’re food ain’t good enough!

So why do I wanna sit there and watch a bunch of booger eaters make mediocre food???

About the only thing I do enjoy is getting to watch the hypocrite judges taste the food.  Cuz here we have a bunch of snooty chefs, that when they’re on a regular version of the show, they sit there and they nitpick the entire dish … “Oh your meal was spectacular, buuuuut you left off ONE fleck of salt so, yeah, we’re gonna have to go ahead and send you home.”

Karma gets ‘em on the kid versions, cuz they can’t be mean and make all the kids cry, cuz then they look like jerks and they wouldn’t get another job on TV to save their lives.  So now they gotta eat an overcooked piece of steak that’s tougher than shoe leather and they go “Mmmm … your flavor ideas were sooo creative to try to put cake frosting on this!”

BAHAHAHA!!!  Take that sucka!

Kids … you can be anything you want when you grow up.  OK … that’s not true either but that’s what people say.

The point is … you can be whatever it is you’re gonna be … LATER … I don’t wanna watch you fumble thru it now.

Till next time Diary, I say, goodbye.

Where Does Poop Come From?

Dear Diary …

Where does dog poop come from?

Now I know where it COMES from … dog butt. That’s not what I mean. What I mean is … When I’m going around the yard and picking up dog poop, how does it just magically appear?

Cuz I will scour that entire yard. Explore everywhere. Pick up every bit of dog poop that I see. Dump it in the trash. All gone.

Start walking back to the house …


There’s one.


There’s another. And another. And another.

Where were these four poops two seconds ago when I walked thru the entire yard? I looked … I explored … I examined!

So now I gotta go back. Get the scooper. Scoop ‘em all up. Dump ‘em in the trash. OK … ALL gone.


Still one left! So that’s what I’m asking. I know the science of where regular dog poop comes from, but how do these magical little doo doo clouds just appear out of nowhere like the world’s grossest mushroom?

OK … moving on Diary … I am so over the fact that we as people are constantly lied to when it comes to directions and recipes … specifically when dealing with the amounts of things.

For example … last week I refinished my deck. And you gotta buy this special paint that fills in all the cracks and makes your old sucky deck look like a slightly newer, slightly less sucky deck. So right on the front it says “this paint will cover 300 square feet with two coats of paint.” OK great … I have 300 square feet. This is the perfect amount.

Well guess who ran out of paint before I was even done with one coat of paint? Well obviously it was me. I said “I.” You don’t have to answer that. Rhetorical question.

“Oh but it depends on the deck and the brush and blah blah blah”


Enough with your lies! It’s ain’t covering two coats of paint. Ever. So don’t try to tell me that it does.

It’s like when you make lasagna. Every single recipe I’ve ever had for lasagna doesn’t make enough sauce, meat and cheese to do all the layers that it calls for. So then you’re sitting there like an idiot … trying to streeeetch out the cheese and smooooooth out the sauce. And just sit there and pray that there’s gonna be enough for that final layer.

NO! Just make the stinkin’ recipe call for more stuff in the first place. Problem solved!

I just wanna know … for REAL … what I’m getting into here without some sort of garbage lie.

I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Are My Kids Evil?

Dear Diary …

I had a ton of yard work to do this weekend … it’s just that time of year where all of a sudden you go from the brown, dead nothingness of winter to the lush greenery that is spring. And while the growing of new life is nice and all, it also means lots of yard work on the weekends.

So there I was … I’m talking all of it … mowing, weed whacking, fertilizing, bush trimming, pressure washing. You name it … I’m doing it. Eight hours straight.

Meanwhile my two kids are in the front yard. Sitting and waiting for the ice cream man. That’s it. Just having a nice, relaxing Sunday where not only do they have nothing to do, they will have dessert delivered directly to their face. They’re almost set up in a way where the ice cream man can drive by and throw ice cream into their mouths without even moving.

And Diary as you know … sitting around doing nothing builds up a mean hunger, so my son comes up to me and asks for a snack. Since I’m busy, and also covered in the mud and guts of a day of yard work, I ask my daughter to go in and get him a sneak.

“Ugh … but I just sat DOWN!!!”


Yeah I’m being quiet here on purpose.

Little bit more …


Child … have you seen me for the past 8 hours? You see what I’ve been doing, right? I’m like a one man lawn care company here. And you’re gonna tell me, “oh a I just sat down?”

Furthermore, “just sat down” is the EXACT time the two of you usually ask ME for snacks. So now you know how it feels!!!

Second … would go in there and get your brother a snack before I lose my mind!?!?!!

Diary … sometimes I just don’t know. Am I raising good kids?

They feel like good kids a lot of the time, but then other times … I don’t think they care one bit about any other person on earth. Unless that person has gum and they want a piece.

All they care about is their food and their iPad … specifically their YouTube channels. That’s all they wanna watch. They don’t care about anything else. They don’t use any of the games. They just wanna watch YouTube channels.

And not even MY YouTube channel, the one that would actually make Daddy money.

So really what I’m asking here … Is it a kid thing that they eventually grow out of? Or are my kids just evil?

Till next time Diary … I say goodbye.

You Don’t Get To Be Bad At Stuff

Dear Diary …

That’s it. No more excuses. No more explanations. You are no longer allowed to be bad at things just for the sake of getting out of having to do them. That lazy ship has sloooowly sailed away my friend!

Now don’t get me wrong … not everybody can be good at everything. I stink at basketball. And no matter how many times my Mommy tells me that I can “accomplish anything if I set my mind to it,” I ain’t playin’ basketball in the NBA. Not happenin’.

That’s not what I’m talking about here. Because I don’t NEED to be good at basketball for basic life functions. I’m talking about people that pull garbage excuses like, “Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner … I’m just bad at texting.” No!! I’M sorry … but THAT is not a valid excuse for present day life. People text. So you gotta text too.

I mean … what … you gonna try to tell me that you aren’t smart enough to reply to text messages? I hope not. Because if that’s the case, you probably shouldn’t even be allowed to drive a car or be in charge of pretty much anything. Of course you’re smart enough to do it … you just don’t wanna.

You wanna be able to use it as an excuse to get out of work responsibilities, or when somebody in your life asks you for something, or whatever. It’s the same as when somebody says “I’m bad at laundry.” You’re not bad at laundry. You just hate laundry and you want somebody else to do it.

“Oh sorry … I’m just bad at responding to emails.”

No! You don’t get to be bad! … That’s not a choice!!

So suck it up … put your big boy pants on … and start living like the rest of us. Cuz you know darn well, when YOU need us, you get your response right away, so this is a two way street here sucka!

OK … moving on Diary … I took a road trip this past weekend. So you know what that means … plenty of Anger Diary material from terrible drivers.

So many people are just AWFUL at driving. Remind me again why we don’t all just have driverless robot cars? “Oh but one of those crashed and the guy died.” One. ONE! I watched enough idiot moves this weekend to potentially kill a dozen people from their sheer stupidity.

So let me at least make an attempt at a quick driving lesson … Class … today we’re gonna talk about the turn signal on your car. Now first … I’m very happy that you have chosen to use it when you’re on the highway and you’ve decided that you want to be in the other lane.

But just because you turned it on, that doesn’t give you the instant and automatic right to just jam your car into that other lane. Think of it more like a request … like … “Hey … um … I’d be interested in getting in this passing lane when there’s room if you could/ That’d be great.”

Now … “I will turn this blinker on for one millisecond and that gives me the right to plow into the other lane! Thy must moveth for me!!!!!!”

I watched a truck do that. Darn near ran the car in front of me right of the road. And yes … I know regular cars do that same stupid move too, but they don’t have 18 wheels and a cargo hold of things that can blow up, so I’d REALLY rather this guy not do it either.

Yes … I understand. You wanna pass too. But you wait … for an actual space where your car can fit. Preferably behind ME.

Till next time Diary .. I say … Goodbye.