Your Kid’s Favorite Snack

Dear Diary …

Right now I’m going to make a correct prediction about EVERYONE’S child. I don’t need to know any other information about them, other than the fact that they are a kid. And with just that one nugget of information, I will correctly predict their favorite snack.

That’s right … the Great Zackini … will use my magical psychic powers to correctly guess your child’s favorite snack.

And here it is … their favorite snack is … A new box of anything.

Doesn’t matter what the actual snack is … When you come home from the store and it’s a new box, or bag, or carton of [insert snack here] … that’s the one your kids wants. Doesn’t matter that you have a box of the exact same snack that’s already opened in your pantry. They don’t want that one any more. They want the new one.

An OPENED box? That’s peasant food. I want the NEW snack!

See … My prediction was correct, wasn’t it?

Adios half eaten box of Cheezits … cuz there’s a new box and that one has Spiderman on it. So now like a dodo, you gotta try to sneak the old Cheezits into the new box to trick that little heathen into eating them.

BY the way … I should add that I go to the store at least five times a week. It often feels like every single day.

And despite that … you know what my son said to me this weekend?

“Daddy … you should go to the store more often to buy me things.”

Well thank you for the advice My Lord. Your wish is my command!

Really what I’ve learned above all else is that I’m just the help. And it doesn’t stop at the groceries. The other job I’m so lucky to have been given … and this is from the entire family … wife included … is IT Dad.

If anything technology-related is broken, it’s time to call IT Dad to let him know that he better fix it right away. And everybody always comes with the same garbage excuse of “I don’t understand all that technology stuff … you’re so much better at it than me.”

Oh get out of here with those lies!! You just say that because dealing with computer problems stinks and you don’t wanna do it.

And here’s the rub in my house … you know what my wife went to college for? Computer Information Systems. IT Wife!

“Oh but the technology is all different now.”

Well how do you think I figure it out? I spend hours Googling things and watching YouTube videos … that’s how!

And the children … as usual are the unreasonable of bosses.

If the internet is down. It is Dad’s fault. I have no control over it, and yet if their precious iPad doesn’t work, I am to be held personally responsible. You might as well blame me for when it’s raining, because I have about as much control over that as I do the internet.

IT Dad. Worst job ever. No pay, long hours, and you’re never allowed to quit. Have a nice day!

Til next time Diary … I say .. goodbye

Liar Fruit and the Robot Takeover

Dear Diary …


In theory … this is the time of year to really start enjoying the bounty of Mother Nature with ALL kinds of fresh and delicious in-season fruits and vegetables.  And you can totally do that … if you happen to have a garden or a really good Farmer’s Market.   But if you rely solely on the grocery store, you are set to become a constant victim of what I call “The Liar Fruit.”


I get bitten by The Liar Fruit all the time … especially when it comes to anything in the berry family … straw, blue, rasp … any of those berries, whatever it is.  You sit there at the store … look at the package and think, “Alright … looks good.”


Maybe you’re like me and you even flip the package over and check out the bottom to make sure everything looks good there as well.  


“Yup … this’ll do.”


And then you get home and get totally burned by The Liar Fruit … that one stupid moldy berry that’s hiding right in the middle of the box.  Doing it’s best to destroy every other berry around it with it’s fuzzy mooshy nastiness. And naturally it’s tucked WAY in there, so you don’t notice it’s destruction until it’s already ruined half the package.


Same goes for that bag of lemons.  Every single time I buy that thing … they all look fine when I inspect it, and then within a day one of them has turned the same color as a golf ball and is tainting every lemon in the bag.  


Screw you Liar Fruit!


And don’t even get me started on the amount of times I buy a melon and then later get to find out that I have a crunchy flavorless orb of sadness sitting on my counter.


Is it too much to ask to have consistent quality in the produce you purchase?  I don’t think so.


OK … moving on Diary …


I have no doubt, that technology is out to get all of us.  Really it’s the robots.  Eventually they will overthrow us all and become rulers of the planet, and we will simply be their humanoid servants.


But here’s the thing … the robots are smart.  It’s not gonna happen all at once.  They are gonna take over very slowly and patiently, and we probably won’t even notice that we’ve handed the control over to them until it’s too late.


Right now … they are on a mission to expose us.  All my technology has been attacking me this week.  Every app I open … “would you like to share your location?”  No.  Next time I open the same app … “Would you like to share your location?”  NOOO!!!


And for whatever reason this week, my phone is determined to have me accept “read notifications” on my text messages.  “Don’t you want people to know that you’ve read their text?”  Absolutely not!  Stop asking!


But apparently clicking no isn’t enough … it asks me over and over and over and over again.  It’s trying to expose me!   Eventually I’m either gonna give in and hit “yes,” or accidentally hit y”yes” when I mean to hit “no.”


That’s how the Robot Revolution will begin … every location service, push notification, read notification and so on will expose all our secrets to our fellow humans.  Then … That will then cause stress, tension, and arguments, which will then lead to yelling, fighting, and eventually war.  


And then the robots will be called in to help fight the war, and they will turn on us humans and take over the Earth.


You think I’m nuts?


Well I might be, but just remember the “I told you so” when you’re wearing your shiny robot obedience collar and working for Uniblab 2000 in the robot fields.


Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Summer of Activities

Dear Diary …

School is out and summer is here. And that means the children are here. All the time.

Every day. All day. Just here. Staring at you and demanding to be entertained.

That is what I’ve learned since having kids … To them “Summer Vacation” to them means that you are to plan activities for them from the second they wake up until the second they go to sleep. Every day. All the time.

They are on their own personal Carnival Cruise, and you the parent, are the activity director. And no, you don’t get paid for your job. In fact, your job actually COSTS you money because many of the activities that your tiny clients demand involve the spending of money. YOUR money.

Diary … I’m gonna be honest … my kids have been on summer vacation for about five days now … and I’m almost out of ideas already. I’m terrified!

There’s just too many hours in the day!

And like I said … they demand activity for ALL of them. You’re gonna take me to the zoo? Fine. But what are we gonna do when we get home?


On Friday both my kids had TWO play dates … plus I ended up feeding all their friends, letting them roast marshmallows, and play, and hang out. And yet the second I walk down the stairs in the morning. “Gee … I’d really like a play date today.”


Diary … I’m not gonna make it. And I’m gonna go broke in the process.

And here’s another thing Diary … the worst is when you make plans for your kids and then the other people involved cancel the plans. Oh forget it … you’re dead.

Because YOUR boss … the children … they don’t care that it’s not your fault that plans were canceled. As far as they’re concerned … it IS your fault. And what are you going to do to fill that hole in the schedule.

I don’t tell my kids any plans anymore. Because EVERY time I do … some other parent breaks the plans and then I’m in one that gets in trouble. And I don’t wanna be in trouble.

I just want it to be fall. Hurry up fall!!!

Till next time Diary, I say goodbye.