The Banana: Nature’s Skank Fruit

Dear Diary …

That’s it … I’m done. I’m not going to stand quietly by while we allow them to keep ruining our lives. Bananas are the single worst fruit in the produce section, and I’m not putting up with them any more!

But why Zack? They’re so cheap?

Yeah … that should tell you something!

Lexuses ain’t cheap. Beyonce ain’t cheap.

Bananas are cheap … because clearly they are the cheap dirty stripper of the produce world.

That’s right … the Skank Fruit.

Well I’m on to you Skank Fruit … you’re done in my house!

Because here’s what happens every time I buy bananas … nobody eats them. They just sit there on the counter, gettin’ all rotten and mooshy and turning themselves into a fantastic breeding ground for fruit flies.

But if I try to throw them out …

“Oh don’t get rid of those … I’ll use them to make muffins. Put them in the freezer.”

You know what my freezer has tons of? Frozen black bananas. Seriously, it looks like some sort of hideous turd storage facility or something. Ain’t got no muffins. Just a bunch of frozen black banana logs.

And yet … despite the fact that nobody eats the bananas, and then they end up in freezer oblivious, what ends up on my shopping list every singe week? Bananas!!!

For what???

Are we actively growing a fruit fly colony for a third grade science fair project that I was unaware of?

And those bananas mock me all the time. Nobody else seems to mind that they sit there on the counter, rotting away, but I do. And I don’t wanna look at ‘em. So I go to move ‘em. And what happens every time I do that ? The stupid bananas immediately tear away from the top and rip open all over the counter.

Hate this fruit!

And let’s say by some miracle somebody actually eats a banana … can we all just agree that it’s simply the most disappointing fruit when it comes to taste? Apples are crispy and juicy. Berries are sweet and refreshing. Bananas are mooshy and weird.

How do you even describe the taste? Banana-y? That’s the best I got.

Think about a fruit salad. What’s the worst thing in that bowl? The banana.

Or how about this … what food goes good with banana?

Fish? Ew.

Spaghetti? No,

Pizza? Dear God no!

You stink banana. Nobody likes you. Go back to the jungle where you came from, Skank Fruit!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Stop With All the Pictures

Dear Diary …


First of all … I think it’s great that we now all have access to a really good camera pretty much whenever we want it since it’s on our phone.  Think of all the great pictures you missed back in the day, simply because you didn’t have a camera.


Not to mention all the times you did have a camera, took a picture … had to   fill the entire roll of film … took it down to that dorky little Photomat store … waited around … then got home only to discover that Grandma’s eyes were closed during the picture and the whole thing is ruined.


Now you can take 247 pictures of the same pose, pick the best one, and Grandma is preserved and looking like her wonderful Old Lady self for eternity.  Shoot, you can even throw a couple Instagram filters on Grandma and make her look even better than real life!


Not only that … but you get VIDEO in the palm of your hands, too!  No more big dorky video cameras that make it look like you work for CNN and are you’re running around trying to film “breaking news.”  Now it’s point … shoot … done.


That said … must we film EVERYTHING????  Let’s be honest with ourselves here … 95% of all the things I see people take video of is boring and there is no way they will ever watch it again.


I think of this every time I go to one of my kids’ school functions.  I mean … sure … take a couple pictures … maybe a little video … but I see all these parents who film EVERYTHING.  And I mean EVERYTHING … they film performances that their kids aren’t even in.  Who the heck is going to watch that later?


“Hey … anybody wanna watch a bunch of third graders we don’t know dance around on a stage?  Oh … and a bonus … the audio quality is really bad and it’s from really far away?”


Ooooh … ooooh … ME!!!!!


Look … just because you have the storage on your phone, doesn’t mean you have to use it.


Also … don’t be wasting time taking pictures and videos of things when there are super easy ways to access way better versions of what you are doing.


Take the eclipse for example … what in the world do any of us need to take a picture of the eclipse for?


“Ooooh … look at me … I’m looking at the eclipse!”


Yes … of course you are … just like everybody else.  Not to mention those other people with better cameras and filters that did it for … oh I don’t know … NASA.  I think I’ll go with their pictures.


Why the heck am I going to risk ruining the lense on my phone to take a crappy picture of the eclipse when THE PEOPLE WHO SEND HUMANS INTO SPACE do the same thing?  They have telescopes that can look at Uranus … I don’t think your silly Droid phone can compete with that.


And here’s another thing … just because you took a picture, you are not legally obligated to post that picture on social media.  It should still look … oh I don’t know … good … in order to post it.


I see so many awful food pictures on social media.  It’s one thing if you have a beautiful plate of food, and you use awesome filters, and the thing is just spectacular.


But when you have yourself a runny tray of slop served on top of some sad rice and it looks like lunch from Shawshank Prison … you don’t need to post that.  Even if it was “Yummy Dinner With My Bae!” … It looks like dog food.  Might’ve tasted good (I guess), but it’s gray and depressing and the rest of us don’t wanna see it.


Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Hotel Screwgeeville

Dear Diary …

I sit here right now fresh off a trip out of town, which naturally means having to stay in some kind of hotel. And it was a nice hotel. It better be … because I was dropping $250 a night to stay at this place.

And before you ask … “Why didn’t you just stay in a lovely Super 8 Motel?” … I had to go to a work convention to go to, and that convention was in this hotel, so that’s where I was staying no matter what. Don’t really care about the price.

I see that handful of people that stay somewhere else when I’m at this convention … doing their little Walk of Shame every time they forget something in their room or have to go poop. Not doin’ it! I’m staying at the hotel. End of story.

And I’m not even complaining about the price right now. $250 … not ideal … but not the end of the world. However, what I do have a problem with is when these same expensive hotels then go ahead and gouge you for everything else.

This price gouging occurred to me as I sat there at the bar, sipping my $15 gin and tonic. My SUCKY $15 gin and tonic I should add … in a TINY little glass with those stupid thin little ice cubes that start melting right away and leave you with a lukewarm cup of sadness in the span of about three minutes.

Diary … I went to an Atlanta Braves baseball game one night while I was on this trip. You know how much a gin and tonic was there? $10. Granted, it was a SUCKY $10 gin and tonic, but shoot it felt like a bargain compared to Hotel Screwgeeville.

You know your prices are unreasonable when I’m thinking a professional sports venue is a bargain by comparison!!!

Want coffee in the morning? $5

Granola bar? $4

Not to mention the awesome $28 a day I got to give them just for the privilege of parking my car outside in their lot. Thanks a lot Hotel Screwgeeville!!!!

Look … I don’t mind paying for things when they’re worth it … but don’t take a large payment from me and then try to bleed me dry after that. I can only thank God that they had free wi-fi or I may have lost it, stripped off all my clothes, and jumped into the hotel fountain while screaming like a madman.

OK … moving on Diary … speaking of gettin’ screwed …

I don’t know about you, but I am sick and tired of buying something like a computer, smartphone, iPad, or whatever and then immediately getting cheated out of a bunch of storage space I just paid for.

My kids have tablets that have 16 gigabytes of storage. (Which, by the way, was the biggest I could by at the time by the way) And 3 and a half those gigabytes are immediately stolen away by the vague and non-specific “system file” … never to be seen again. Why are they allowed to advertise it as 16? You don’t get 16. You get 12 and a half.

“Oh but that’s what we need for our system software.”

Fine … then make the whole thing 19.5 … so you get your 3 and a half and I get my 16!!!

Why do we allow things like this to happen? If I gave away a four pack of tickets to an event on the radio … I gotta give you four tickets. I don’t get to give you three and then say “well the 4th one goes to our administrative needs.” Unacceptable!

If you advertise 16 … I want my 16. Or at least tell the truth and advertise the stinkier lower number!

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye