Let the Robots Win

Dear Diary …

You know me … I’m totally prepared that someday we are gonna have to deal with the robot revolution. Or the zombie revolution. Or the zombie robot revolution. Whatever it is … I’m ready for the fight.

That said, there are certain things that I am ready to give up to the other side. And when it comes to robots, I am here to tell you … It is time for us humans to STOP driving. No more! It’s time to embrace the robot car and move forward a happier race of people.

And the reason is simple … we suck at it! No candy coating … we as a people are terrible at driving.

“Oh yeah … well that’s everybody else. I’m a good driver.”

No you aren’t!! You stink just like everybody else.

I’ve never met a human that actually admit to being the dodo that hangs out in the left hand lane driving 64 miles an hour. So clearly … we suck at driving and we don’t even notice it.

I had to drive for the holiday weekend, and it was flat out brutal. Accident … after accident … after idiot … after accident.

Plain and simple … we are just not good at driving. And even worse, we are like those people back in the day on American Idol who didn’t know how to sing, but still stood up there and made idiots out of themselves because we THINK we know what we’re doing.

And we absolutely do not.

It’s time to turn it over to the robots. Let them do the driving and the world will be a better place.

“But I like the FEEL of driving!”

Oh whatever. When you don’t know how to cook, you let somebody else make food for you. Nobody says, “but I like the FEEL of holding the pan myself,” when they know darn well they aren’t that good at cooking.

And here’s the insane part … we have robot cars … and people have ZERO tolerance for them. The robot cars get in ONE accident in an entire year and people scream, “That is UNACCEPTABLE! We cannot take a chance with these machines!!!!”

Meanwhile I had to navigate my way around SIX human accidents in one three hour trip over the weekend. And that’s on ONE road in ONE duration of time. Lord knows how many accidents happened all over the country at exactly the same time. Meanwhile, ONE robot car has ONE incident in it’s entire history and we are ready to shut them down.

I’m sorry, fellow humans, but you don’t know what you’re doing, and it’s time to let go of the driving. It’s like when you had to wrestle away the keys from Grandpa when he got too old, except we’re ALL grandpa. So give up the keys, Old Man!

And what the heck are you fighting for anyway?

Just sit there in the robot car and watch Netflix while somebody else does the driving. What’s not to love about that?

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye

We Are Better Than This

Dear Diary …

There is no reason … and I mean NO reason … that I should even be talking about what I’m about to be talking about. We live in a smart world, full of smart people, doing all sorts of smart things. We can have access to pretty much the entire world … right there in the palm of our hands.

And yet … to this day … toasters are still stupid.

Every now and then I try to make toast as part of my breakfast … and every single time I do, I reminded how stupid the toaster really is.

Realuty is, when I make toast … I ain’t got a lot of time. You hear me talkin’ … I do that for a living. And the only time I have a break from that talkin’ is when there’s a song and a couple of commercials playing on the radio. So that means I have MAYBE seven minutes to get it all done.

And honestly? That’s an impossible task.

Because every toaster on earth sucks and can’t make toast fast enough.

And why?

We got lasers that can fry the whole earth in a millisecond. You mean to tell me we can’t figure out how to toast a bagel faster?

Ten seconds. That’s all it should take. OK … MAYBE 30 if I’m being generous, but I see no reason at this point in the technological advancements of the human race that we can’t stick a piece of bread in and … BZZZZZZPPP … toast.

Nope … instead we all stand here like a bunch of idiots … starting at little square machine … begging for it to move faster. Having it pop up and produce a half-toasted piece of sadness. Then we gotta flip the bread around because it’s ALWAYS toasting unevenly … push the button back down … hold it there and try to force the toaster to start over again.


We’re better than this, people!!!

Why do continue to settle for the stupid backwards methods of the olden days?

Like electricity … think of all the times we gotta deal with power outages because of windy weather or a fallen tree knocking out a bunch of power lines. Why we still relying on these giant ugly poles and a bunch of electricity on strings in the first place?

Shouldn’t this all be underground by now? And yes … yes it should … but your power company don’t wanna PAY to make it better. They’d much rather keep charging you an arm and a leg without having to upgrade their own infrastructure. And don’t you worry … if they do ever upgrade it … they’re gonna make you pay for it anyway.

Sure … that seems like a fair arrangement!

We’re better than this. And it starts with toast. If we can’t fix something as simple as toast, then we can’t fix anything.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Answer Is NO

Dear Diary …

I was under the weather the past few days. Actually it was like a week and I was a whiny little baby about the entire thing … [[breathe]] … but nobody cares about that. There’s nothing worse than having to listen to other people ramble on about their sinuses, or their phlegm, or their butt or whatever it is that’s bothering them.

So I will spare you the details. You’re welcome. But at the same time, I want you to go ahead and spare ME the details as well on your snooty side of health and awesomeness.

Let me explain …

Every time I’m sick, and somebody who’s not sick finds out, they proceed to tell me ALL about how well they are and all the awesome fantastical things that they do to become some sort of wizard who’s above the laws of the rules of health.

My wife drinks some shake every day … one of those ones for protein or vitamins or whatever. And I know this because every time I get so much as a sniffle, I gotta hear ALL about the magical, mythical shake. And I guess it must have dragon’s blood and elf boogers in it or something, because apparently it heals every woe of the world

“You know, every since I started drinking this shake, I NEVER get sick.”

OK … thank you … there’s not much I can do about it now …

“Yup … never get sick. All because of the shake!”

Great … thanks! I’m a little past the point of magic now … so wouldya just pass me the dang Sudafed?

Or the other one I get from people …

“Oh you’re sick? I NEVER get sick.”

And what exactly are you implying here? Because basically what I hear is …

“Too bad you’re such a weak humanoid who’s not as awesome as me. Must be something dumb you’re doing to bring this on yourself.”

Kiss my butt you snooty cyborg!

OK … moving on Diary …

The answer is, “no.”

Plain and simple. No. Yes I understand that we are all supposed to come together as a common people and help each other out and share our resources when we can, but no … you cannot “print some stuff” on my printer anymore!

It used to be back in the day, everybody had a computer, and everybody had a printer. And that was that. You needed to print something? You printed it. Plain and simple.

But what I believe happened about 2 years ago is everybody on earth stopped buying printer ink. Hey I get it … It’s ridiculously overpriced. So now, they’ve just been going house to house, looking for those survivors left that still have ink in their precious printers. It’s like the printer ink version of “The Walking Dead,” and instead of going car to car to find some gas, we’re just hopping house to house for a place to print our airline boarding pass.

So yes … I have ink. And no … you can’t have any! That crap is expensive! You wanna print something? BUY MORE FOR YOURSELF!!!

Or do what most normal humans do … print it out at work when nobody is looking.

But from me … the answer is, “NO!”

Till next time Diary … I say … goodbye.

You Don’t Have to Stink

Dear Diary …

I’m over it. Some things straight up stink, and there’s no reason for them to be as lousy as they are. Hey I get it with certain things … homework stinks, paying taxes, diarrhea. There’s no controlling any of those things, but there are plenty of other things that don’t HAVE to stink, but they totally do.

I went to a couple concerts over the weekend and I am sick and tired of paying a ton of money for lousy food and drinks when I’m there.

First of all … I am well aware that I am a captive audience and you’re gonna be able to charge a bunch of money. OK fine, but why does it also have to be terrible? I’ll pay $9 for a glass of wine, but it shouldn’t be $9 for a glass of crummy Barefoot wine that costs the venue like $3 a bottle.

Oh and did you want a cocktail? Good news, it’s gonna be $11, we’re gonna use low grade alcohol and we’re going to put it in a sucky little plastic cup with thin little ice cubes that melt in two seconds and make your drink a lukewarm watery mess. Oh and you wanted a lime with that? Nah. Go bleep yourself. We didn’t feel like offering those.

Enjoy your lousy drinks … and don’t forget to tip in my little tip jar!

Oh and here’s your insult to injury … On night number two, I get up to the bar, order a drink, and the woman says, “Umm … You have to also buy a bracelet for $2 so you’re able to buy drinks.”

Wait … what?

I have to pay you for the privilege of giving you money? What the heck is going on here?

Yeah … remember that tip you wanted? I’m wearing it now with your blood money bracelet.

It doesn’t have to be this way.

For a concert or sporting event or whatever, you’re already spending fifty to a hundred bucks just to get in the door, so why the desire to then bend you over and take the rest of the money out of your wallet?

I don’t mind paying the premium, but if I am, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to get a halfway decent product.

Nah … forget them. Let’s charge ‘em $30 for some Tyson chicken tenders and a poorly made cocktail.

And you wonder why people don’t buy more tickets to things. “How come nobody’s coming to our sporting event?” Because I can buy a bottle of top shelf liquor, the best steak at the butcher, watch the thing on TV and still come out ahead on the amount of money I spend. Hmm … let me think about that for a microsecond.

It doesn’t have to be this way. You don’t have to stink. Change it up. You can do it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Why Do You Even Exist?

Dear Diary …

We have a lot of really cool inventions and technologies in the world that do great things for people and make life better. At the same time … we have a lot of really dumb and useless ones that do no good for anybody and I don’t even know why they even exist.

Take your computer mouse for example … now the mouse itself is certainly useful and cool … especially a wireless one. But look closely at that mouse … what the heck good are those stupid extra buttons on the top and the side?

And don’t even try to explain to me what they’re SUPPOSED to be good for, because the only thing they ever do is screw you up when you’re using your computer. Here’s what I can best figure out what they do …

That little button on the side is there so you can accidentally hit it with your thumb and have your web browser go back a page, usually erasing whatever it is you were working on at the time. Awesome!

Meanwhile the one on the top is there for scrolling … which would be great if that’s all it did. But, the fact is you can also accidentally click it down and have your scrolling function WILDLY FLY ALL OVER THE PLACE WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO USE IT!!!

Fantastic! Thanks for those amazing innovations in computing technology!

And while we’re talking computers … I appreciate when you, the computer, send me a notice or a warning message, but once you send it … that’s good enough. My computer had low storage last week, so I got a “Warning … your storage is low.” OK great … thanks … now let me close that and finish up what I wa… “Warning … your storage is low!”

Yes … thank you … I understand that … now let me finish this fir… “Warning … your storage is low.”


And yes … I know my Adobe Flash needs to be updated. You don’t have to remind me every 20 minutes. “Remind me later” means LATER not “Keep bugging the hell out of me until I give in and update it.”

OK … moving on Diary …

I understand that it is political season, so there’s gonna be political ads on TV. I also understand the use of annoying attack ads. I don’t like them, but the simple fact is that they work, so I get why candidates run them.

That said … do you have to run them so stinkin’ much?

I am NOT exaggerating when I tell you this … the other day I was watching TV … commercials come on … and the same attack ad aired FOUR times in a row. FOUR!

So you know what I’m gonna do? Vote for the other guy.

I don’t know anything else about him yet, but I can already tell you that unless he punches old ladies and is mean to puppies … I’m votin’ for him cuz you annoyed me while I was watching Food Network.

And speaking of annoying … If I’m ever in the same room as that Chili’s baby back ribs guy … [singing] “I might just have to punch him right in his face. Cuz he won’t stop talking like this all the time.”

Yeah … I’m sure it’s great for him and his paycheck and his family that they brought him back for another ad campaign, but he … must … stop … talking … now. You wanna run the ad? Fine. But can you stop doing it so dang much? I’m about ready to go vegan just out of spite.

Till next time Diary … I say … [singing] Goodbye to my Anger Diary … I say Goodbye to my Anger Diary.

Ugh … now I’m gonna punch myself. Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.