Porch Pirates

Dear Diary …

When it comes to the holiday season, there are few people on this earth that are bigger pieces of garbage than a Porch Pirate. Seriously, they are right up there with the absolute worst members of humanity.

Now … many of you already know what a Porch Pirate is, but for those of you that don’t, a Porch Pirate is a low life who steals packages off your porch that you’ve ordered and have been delivered when you’re not home.

I mean … honestly … who does that?

Who has so little respect for their fellow humans that they just freely walk up and rob them … especially this time of year when most of the packages are Christmas presents?

Not that I support shoplifting one bit, but at least when somebody shoplifts, they’re stealing from a store. Porch Pirates on the other hand steal from their neighbors … and they do it while you’re at WORK … actually WORKING hard to make a living so you can support your family. They, on the other hand, just sit around and take things you’ve worked so hard to purchase.

Oh and I’m sure they all have some sort of excuse or reasoning … about how life is “not fair” and how it’s “not my fault” and they’re just doing it because they think they somehow deserve to have these things just because they want them. I’m sorry … that ain’t true. The truth is simple … you’re slime.

Lack of respect for other people is one of the biggest issues we have in our society today, and if you would actually stop and take the time to do it … GASP … people will also treat YOU with respect, and then good things would actually happen to you!

So if you’re someone that’s actually bold enough to steal a package off of another person’s house, it is time to officially re-assess your place in life. Do better!

OK … moving on Diary … this actually also falls into the ”Who Does That?” category of the holiday season, but this one deals with the actual gifts being given.

For example … who on earth actually gives somebody else a car for Christmas?

Now I know there are exceptions to this rule, but these commercials make it seem like it’s just a regular life thing to walk downstairs on Christmas morning and see a brand new car in your driveway.

And I don’t know about you, but if I come downstairs and I find out my wife bought me a car for Christmas, the first thing I think is, “Who exactly is making the PAYMENTS on this car that’s sitting in my driveway?”

And where exactly does one even find those giant bows that they put on top of this magical Christmas car? Good lord, that bow’s gotta cost like a thousand dollars all by itself! You just dropped a grand on a bow? Are you crazy? Do you know how many car payments I gotta start making?

And again, I’m sure there’s some rich person somewhere where this TOTALLY makes sense, but the commercial makes it look like just some random guy named Steve is totally getting a new car for Christmas.

Who has this kind of cash laying around?

Another example … speaking of cash … is when I see a commercial for super expensive diamond earrings and the ad says, “the PERFECT stock stuffer.” Stocking stuffer????

I don’t know about you, but in my house a travel-sized thing of hand sanitizer or some some socks … that’s a “stocking stuffer” … not $15 thousand dollar earrings!

“The perfect stocking stuffer” … for a Kardashian!

This is why our kids ask for expensive things for Christmas. “Well Dad’s gettin’ a car … clearly I can I have an iPhone!”

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Zack’s Guide to Throwing a Good Party

Dear Diary …

This time of year there’s a lot going on, especially when it comes to parties. You get invited to a bunch of ‘em. People host ‘em at their house. It’s basically “Party Season.”

Here’s the problem … most people have no idea how to throw a good party, and instead you’re stuck at some lame get together with a bunch of people you may or may not even like, and you’re just sitting there trying to figure out how early you can leave without looking rude.

But do not panic lame party people, I have GREAT news … I’m really good at throwing parties. So I’m gonna try to help the rest of you so you don’t have to hear things like “how nobody’s dancing?” or maybe “you guys are leaving already?”

Basically there are three keys to a good party. They aren’t even that hard to pull off. And yet people keep screwing ‘em up left and right and the result is just another boring get together at Maureen’s house.

[[Side note: There is no “Maureen’s House” … I made it up. So don’t be sittn’ there panicking that I’m talking about your parties, Maureen.]]

Key number one … food.

You would think I wouldn’t even have to say this, since eating is pretty much the most basic human primal instinct, but I’ve been to far too many parties where “food” consists of two sad bowls of chips and a plate with a bunch of burned hot dogs on it.

I’m sorry, but if you’re having people at your house, you gotta feed ‘em. And you gotta feed ‘em better than a 5 year-old’s birthday party.

And if you can’t cook … don’t try. Order stuff.

Or hey it’s totally fine to do the potluck thing and have everybody bring something to share, but if you do that, you also gotta tell them what to bring in advance. Don’t just say … “oh anything’s fine,” cuz then your lazy moochy friends are all gonna show up with the same box of store bought chocolate chip cookies nobody wants to eat.

Key to a good party number two … alcohol. Specifically … having enough of it on hand and not running out.

Ain’t nothin’ sadder than a halfway decent party crashing into the side of a mountain because the host only bothered to buy a 12 pack and 2 bottles of wine.

You want your friends to have fun at your party, right? So then plan in your optimistic little mind that you’re gonna throw the best stinkin’ party they’ve EVER been at, so stock the bar like that’s gonna happen.

And furthermore … stock the bar with variety. Everybody’s got different tastes. So just because you only drink Bud Light Lime-a-Rita’s doesn’t mean anybody else on earth does, so make sure you got a little something for everybody.

I went to a party once and there was a lot of great stuff going on … and there was lots of booze. Problem was the only drinks being offered were bourbon and IPA beers. OK … maybe YOU love choosing between that really burny alcohol or this super bitter beer, but for the love of God man, ain’t no shame in throwing a few Miller Lite’s in that cooler for people that don’t.

And one final thing on alcohol … you’re a grownup now … stop trying to throw a BYOB party. You’re an adult. You have a job. Quit acting like you’re throwing a party in your junior year dorm room in 1997.

And here’s a crazy little thing about having a grownup party with grownup friends … most people will bring you something anyway as a gift. So now you’ve got even more drinks on hand!

Finally … key to a good party number three … music. For the love of God you gotta have music at your party.

It blows my mind when I show up at somebody’s “party” and there’s NO music playing. Nothing. Just boring small talk and … awkward silent pauses. Look … don’t have to pay Major Lazer to come to your house … but you gotta at least have something going in the background … anything!

Oh and when it comes to your music … get a real speaker! Your tiny little $15 bluetooth speaker is fine when it’s just you in the kitchen on a Tuesday night, but you throw 40-50 people in that room and you ain’t gonna hear jack squat on your sad little sound tube.

“How come nobody’s dancing?”


What am I dancin’ too? The pretend music in my head? The volume control I wish I had?

This is why it’s 8:30 and everybody’s leaving … cuz your party game is lame.

But look … I just gave you the keys to success. Follow them, Young Jedi, and people will finally look like they’re having fun at your house once and for all.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye