You Old Dinosaur

Dear Diary …

OK look … I can be brutally honest here.  I ain’t gettin’ any younger.  And that’s OK … I guess. Not like I have a choice.  But where I DO have a choice is that even though I’m getting older, it doesn’t mean I need to ACT any older.

Here’s what I mean by that …

Plenty of people my age … people I went to college with or grew up with or whatever … people that still have plenty of life left to give … they’ve given up.

“Oh I’m too old … I don’t even understand how to turn my TV on anymore.  I have to ask my daughter to do it for me.”

“What’s Tweeter?  I don’t understand this social media.  Bitmojis?  What are those?”

You sound like a fossil.

I mean … is this it?  Are you packing it in for good and deciding to become a lame old person?

If you are, then just quit.  Start boarding the travel bus to Atlantic City so you can go play penny slots with your other blue-haired girlfriends because you’re turning into a senior citizen right before our eyes.

“But I don’t understand.”

What are you?  Stupid?

You’re not stupid.  You’re just lazy and you don’t feel like learning.  So stop it.  You sound like a dinosaur.  Do you want to be extinct? Because I don’t.

And that goes for you too … person who says “All music today is crap” and hasn’t liked a new song since 1979.  I’m sorry … that’s simply not true.  You’re just not bothering to find it.

And guess what?  Back in 1979 there was some fossil that said YOUR music was awful and all good music stopped in 1943.  And now you’ve become that person.  You happy about it?

Here’s the reality … stuff changes.  Always.  Thing are never gonna be exactly the way you grew up with them.  So deal with it and evolve, or just go ahead and pack it in and call it a life, cuz you’re done.

Is that really what you want?

And to the people younger than me … you’re not completely off the hook here either. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret that may shock and amaze you … the world actually managed to exist before precious wonderful you was born.  So learn about it!

“I don’t know that band … that was … like … literally before I was born.”


Learn about them.  I mean … what’s the worst that happens?  You get to find something you like that happened before 1995.  Oh no!!!

You don’t have to let your generation define you … and that goes for every generation … so get to it.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The Ultimate Time Waster

Dear Diary …

Without a doubt, the most valuable resource any of us have is our time. OK true, maybe some of you have a fancy pair of Christian Louboutin “Sex In the City” wannabe shoes that are pretty dang expensive, but TIME is something you simply can’t put a price on it.

Start with the cold hard fact above all else … you only have a limited amount of it. And when it’s gone … you’re dead. No do-overs, no pause buttons, no nothin’. When it’s done … it’s done. So when you think of it that way … 1) It makes you wanna curl up in a ball and cry for a minute about how much time you’ve wasted, but then 2) It makes you wanna get out there and make the most of the time you have left.

But here’s the problem … most everybody else in your life works against this and tries to steal your valuable time. Your boss makes you sit through a pointless meeting, your friends sucker you into helping them move on a Saturday, and your children … oh your children … I’m pretty sure it is their main goal in life to screw you out of all of your time.

When I am home with my kids, it is virtually impossible to get anything done efficiently. And it’s not that they demand ALL of your time. Oh no … it’s MUCH more sinister than that. They demand of your time in tiny little inefficient bursts.

As I sit here and try to write this Anger Diary, my children have been asking me for something roughly every six minutes. I’m over here, trying to get into my flow …

“Daddy, can I have a waffle.”

[SIGH] Fine.

OK … waffle made. Back to the flow … let’s get this thing written …

[[[Six minutes later]]]

“Daddy, I’m thirsty. Can you get me lemonade?”


OK … here’s your lemonade … back to the flow ….

“Daddy, can I…..”


Can you just leave me alone for like 20 stinkin’ minutes so I can get this thing done?

So now here I am … I have earbuds on … trying to drown them out. But I see them … they’re looking at me … and their demanding little mouths are moving. I know they’re asking for stuff … and I’m just over here pretending “I don’t see you” in some sort of hope that they’re gonna get the hint and leave me alone.

And do they ever get the hint? Of course not!

Here’s another colossal time waster with children … when it’s bath time … my kids are always pulling this, “Can somebody come upstairs and sit with me?” garbage.

They don’t need me to help them with their bath. They don’t even want me in the bathroom with them to talk to them. All they want is for me to sit out in the hallway and wait for them to be done. No interaction. No talking or anything. Just them privately taking their bath, while I wait outside the door like some sort of loser butler … “Your towel sir.”

So really all I’m doing is wasting time … precious valuable time.

Oh OK … and it looks like I gotta go because one of them won’t stop mouthing something to me and I’m going to finally have to acknowledge their existence.

So … Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

I Got Nothin’

Dear Diary …


I got nothin’.  


I’m serious … I got nothin’.


You ever have those times in your life where, creatively, you’re just useless?  Well I’m having one of those times. And I get it … they happen to everybody from time to time.  


And they are so frustrating and dumb, because your brain is absolutely no help.  It sends out signals like, “That’s it. I’m out of ideas. I’ll never be able to think of something new ever again. That’s all.”


Which you know isn’t true.  Or at least hope isn’t true.  OH GOD WHAT IF IT’S TRUE?


What am I gonna do?


I mean … this Anger Diary relies on creativity and new observations, and right now all I got in this head is …


“Hey there … what’s the deal with all these cars in the left hand lane that drive all slow?  And turn signals … I mean … how come nobody uses them?”




And it all comes down to one evil culprit … your brain.


That part of your body that controls everything, whether you like it or not.  And I’ll never understand why your brain hates you so much. It holds ALL the power to make you happy, driven, and successful … and instead of using that power it sits there and fills your head with “I’ll never amount to anything … I shouldn’t even try chasing my dreams.”


And speaking of dreams … mine are no help right now.  When I’m in a good creative flow, I’ll sometimes wake up in the middle of the night from a dream and I’ll have a really great and creative idea.  


You know what I dreamt about last night?  That I had to poop really bad and kept fillin’ up toilets with all my poop but still had to go more.  That’s what I get from my brain … and it was so bad that I woke up in the middle of the night paranoid that I had to go to the bathroom, even though I didn’t.  Hey … thanks brain!


Why does your brain want to destroy you so much?  If it actually helped you be all rich and successful, then you’d be able to do all sorts of things that would make your brain even happier with things like great food, amazing trips, free time to read or relax or whatever.  All things your brain would love. And instead your brain fills your head full of poop dreams and unnecessary anxiety.


Well let me just say … no.  I refuse to give in to you, Brain!  You’re not the boss of me!!


OK … you’re totally the boss of me, but I’m still not gonna give in to your shenanigans.


I WILL rise above.  I WILL have new and good ideas.  And I WILL kick some butt.


Hopefully tomorrow.


Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye