Boo to the Zoo

Dear Diary …

It’s taken me four decades to figure out, but I think I’ve finally come to the realization that I’ve never really had any fun when I’ve gone to the zoo.  Ever!  And I think I’ve been in denial my entire life.

Now let me start by saying … I love the zoo (in theory).  I love animals.  I love learning about animals.  I love how much the zoos love the animals.  Again … in theory … I think zoos are awesome and I encourage everybody to support the zoo.  Everybody else that is.

Every time I go, it’s the same thing.  My excitement level is through the roof when I get there.  YAY!!!  THE ZOOOOO!!!!

Which in a half hour turns into … [less excited] … yay … the zoo.

Which in another half hour turns into … oh my God I am hot and sweaty and my legs hurt and how many more animals do we still have to see?  UGHHHHH!!!!!

It never fails … my entire life … the hottest day of the year is the day I go to the zoo.  Which is fine … if you’re a crocodile … not some pale schmuck staring at a crocodile.  And really … most of the animals hate it too.  So instead of seeing anything, you’re just searching for some brown lump in the corner, under a log, just trying to get some shade until this million degree day is over with.

And I understand … most of this is on my for poor planning … but it just happens to work out this way every single time.

By the way … while I’m talking zoos … who are these crazy people that stand there and take tons of pictures and videos of random zoo animals.  For what?  You’re never looking at that stuff again.  You gonna invite a bunch of people over … “OK everyone … gather round for this 6 minute video of a camel standing there in its enclosure at the zoo!”

“Hey look kids … a picture of a gorilla!”

“Oh … you mean just like the ones on Google?  Except yours are through am annoying sheet of protective glass and are way less awesome than the real pictures I can call up on the internet in a microsecond?  Awesome!”

Moving on Diary … it blows my mind some of the things that we as a society decide is acceptable quality.  For example … we have evolved for decades upon decades to now be able to provide fantastic TV picture quality, in your house on a wonderfully big screen, and at a fraction of the cost of what it used to be.

So what are we all doing now?  Watching stuff on the tiny screens of our phone.  And not even the long way … the stupid up and down vertical way.  Now we got things like Instagram and Snapchat developing TV shows specifically for this tiny little screen.

“Well … research shows that kids today don’t watch TV.  They watch everything on their phone.”

Well kids … let me ask you this … what the heck is wrong with you idiots?

You got a perfectly fantastic cinema-quality screen to use, and instead you’re staring at some tiny little rectangle with your neck slumped over in a doofus fashion that’s gonna have you growing up with both vision and back problems from stuffing that thing in your face all day long.

Don’t get me wrong … I love me a smartphone.  It’s great for a lot of things, but at some point you gotta get your nose out of it to see what’s around you.

Demand more for yourself.  You deserve better.  You don’t need to be watching TV on a six inch screen.  That’s what your great-grandma had to do when they had this giant piece of furniture with a tiny little black and white square in the middle of it … squinting just to try to see the Lawrence Welk Show or whatever dinosaur was on TV.  Don’t go back to that you dummies!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The LOOOONG Road Trip

Dear Diary …

I just got back from a long family road trip up north. And when I say “long family road trip” I mean “LOOOOOOOOOONG family road trip.” Eight days … 1,902 miles.

As you can see, I counted. And the reason why I counted was because I had to drive … EVERYWHERE.

Now … of course I had to drive to get there … that’s a given. But was only about half of the miles. The rest of them came when … every single day … I was the one still driving everybody around.

This is a trip to go see friends and family … so you would think … maybe once we got there … they’d be the ones taking us around the … uhhh … you know … place that they LIVE.

Oh but no.

Every single day … “Well of course we’ll go in YOUR car.”

Wait … what? We will?

“Yeah well … we have to drive the kids.”

Did I miss a law somewhere where the children are only allowed to ride in the back seat of MY car and nobody else’s? And it’s not like anybody’s driving a dorky Smart Car around or anything, they all have perfectly acceptable cars to drive around multiple humans.

And yet there I was … playin’ taxi all week long.

And no … I’m not the one who was physically behind the wheel 100% of the time. That’s not what I’m really complaining about. It’s the fact that I piled 1,902 miles on to MY car … miles that mean more oil changes, more tires, more everything.

I’m just confused by the whole process. When I have friends and family visit me … then it’s the exact opposite.

“Oh well you need to drive because I don’t live here. I don’t know where anything is.”

OK … but what about me when I’m in your town?

“Oh you have Google Maps … you’ll be fine.”

And while we are on the topic of driving … can I just say that children have an uncanny … almost psychic ability … to pick the absolute worst time to declare that they have to go to the bathroom on a road trip.

Doesn’t matter how many times you ask them if they need to go when there’s an easy place to stop … they don’t have to go until you’re well beyond that place.

On this trip I get the message of bathroom death from my children when we are 10 miles from the Tappan Zee Bridge outside New York City. If you’re unfamiliar with this area … let me lay it out for you this way … picture in your head the worst traffic you drive in … then multiply that by 30 … and that’s what’s considered a “good day” on the roads in this area.

Also … there’s basically nowhere to stop … because most every exit is just another highway trying to whisk you away from the place that you want to actually go. And if there is an actual exit with stuff at it, it’s usually the weirdest and grossest gas stations and restaurants that don’t even have bathrooms.

You ever been to a Burger King without a bathroom? Well I have … because that’s where we stopped.

And you know me Diary … the single most important thing on a road trip is making good time. And this is not helping me “make good time.” I’m just watching that “estimated time of arrival” get further and further away and we tool around some yucky bridge town trying to find a toilet … even though the whole town looks like one giant toilet.

Oh and let’s not forget the wonderful grand finale of all of this … once we finally get to leave Toilet City and cross the Bridge From Hell, you know what they have on the other side? Tons and tons of places to stop and use the bathroom. None of which matter now!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Toilet Seat Terror

Dear Diary …

We want to help those people, places, and things that need our help … right?  Well, there is something that is under attack right now that is powerless to defend itself.  It is just sitting there … helpless  … and yet it is being abused by the women of the world.  That’s right … this thing is specifically being targeted by the WOMEN of the world that simply will not stop abusing every toilet seat that they can get their ruthless and relentless booties on.

I don’t what is you ladies have against the toilet seat … but whatever it is you are doing makes those things so dang loose in every bathroom you come in contact with.

“Oh whatever … that’s unfair.  We have to sit every time we use the bathroom.”

While that may be true, it still doesn’t mean you gotta be so dang rough.  I sit down on a toilet seat on a regular basis, and you know what I do?  I gently sit down, and then get back up.  Never does the toilet seat move or loosen during this process.

So what are YOU doing, ladies?  Are you sitting down and then swaying yourself in to some sort of toilet seat groove pocket?  That’s what I have to assume because I have been in the ladies room at work … (Yes I have been in the ladies room at work … big whoop) … Point is that toilet seat in there is hanging by the tiniest of threads.  One TINY little tap and that thing is gonna fly right off into the corner of the bathroom.

And it’s not just this isolated incident.  I am CONSTANTLY tightening the toilet seats at my house.  How do they get so loose all the time?  Also … you wanna be all empowered and awesome females?  Then feel free to tighten the screw after you perform all of your booty-inspired seat-loosening activities!

Guys … I tell you what … I think we have become a victim of bathroom slander.  Women have led us to believe that we are the gross ones who always destroy bathrooms.  And when it comes to the smell … yeah well you got us there … but that’s about it.

I tell you this much … I have never seen a half drank Diet Coke in the men’s room, but I see one in the ladies’ room at work at least once a week.

Hmmmmm …

Or how ‘bout this?  When I was in college, there was a guy on my dorm room floor who’s girlfriend would use the bathroom and bring a giant bag of sour cream and onion potato chips in there with her.  I ain’t never seen a dude waltz into a bathroom with a giant bag of sour cream and onion potato chips before.  Just her!

Hmmmmm …

And you can ask just about anybody that’s ever worked in a nightclub which bathroom is grosser by the end of the night.  They’ll tell you the truth.

Hmmmmm …

Hey it’s all good, ladies.  You do you.  Just stop makin’ it seem like we guys are always the ones to blame.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.