Smart, But Stupid

Dear Diary …

How is it that we can be so smart and so stupid at exactly the same time? I’ll tell you how … our brains. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again … our brains are just a bunch of jerks. Sitting up there on their high horse on the top of your head deciding pretty much every outcome of your life whether you like it or not.

A lot of times it loves to make you stupid. For example … this weekend I was making a Caesar salad. And since I am a giant food nerd, I’m gonna make my own croutons. Yeah I know you can just buy ‘em in a bag and dump ‘em on your salad, but the homemade ones are about a million times better and they’re also super simple.

Just cut up some bread and toss it in the oven for a couple minutes … there ya go. But just a COUPLE minutes because they can go from awesome to burnt little squares of black sadness in the blink of an eye.

So I toss them in the oven and I think to myself … “Hey maybe I should set a timer on my phone for 10 minutes so I don’t burn these?”

Enter Jerk Brain …

“No man. You don’t gotta set no timer. Mr. Brain got you. I let you know and it’ll be a-OK.”

So like an idiot I say, “OK.” Fast forward 15 minutes … sniff sniff sniff … hey what’s that smell? My croutons!!!

Burnt. Charred. Hammered. Destroyed. You win again Jerk Brain!

And I know we can just chalk this up to general forgetfulness, because “Well your brain can’t POSSIBLY remember everything!”

Oh yeah … Well let me just tell you this … 007 373 5963.

What’s that, you ask?

That’s the code to enter on the 1980’s Nintendo game “Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!” that you can use to go directly to the fight against Mike Tyson. I got that code in 1987 and here I am 30+ years later and I still know that thing no problem.

Meanwhile I can’t remember to bring my grocery list with me to work even when it’s on a piece of paper sitting on top of my wallet because “I’m too stupid to remember things cuz I’m just a brain.”

I believe our brains have the power to remember absolutely everything … and it just chooses not to so it can mess with you. I mean … when I drive to work … my brain will remind me of all the things I forgot back at my house at the EXACT same spot in my commute … the spot where it’s too far to go back and get anything I forgot because I don’t have time. It doesn’t remind me right when I’m leaving the house. It picks that spot instead … EVERY time.

That can’t POSSIBLY be a coincidence. That’s on purpose. My brain is doing it on purpose just to mess with me.

Think I’m crazy? I probably am. Or … is YOUR brain realizing that I’m catching on to their little scam and is trying to convince you that I’m crazy so you won’t listen to me?

OK you’re right. I’m probably crazy, but whatever.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

The Great Data Mystery

Dear Diary …

I realize when I start telling you about this issue, you’re gonna laugh at me for being lame … so let’s just get it out of the way right off the top … I don’t have unlimited data on my phone.

Yeah yeah yeah … Ha ha ha … I suck. And that may be true, but I refuse the pay the ridiculously high price they wanna charge me for unlimited data. Especially when I know the cell phone companies pay about a nickel for data and then upcharge it out the wazoo to all of us.

And furthermore … I bet a lot of you who just laughed at me have unlimited data … that Mom or Dad actually pay for and not you. Ahhh yeah … caught ya … didn’t I?

Anyway … I’m slummin’ it over here with 4 gigs a month. Which you know what, is plenty for me. My wife on the other hand?

“I don’t know why it’s using so much data. I’m not doing ANYTHING!”

Ahhh yes … the world famous excuse of wives and children everywhere … “I didn’t do ANYTHING!”

Let me be clear … ladies … I love ya … and as a whole you are WAY smarter than us stupid men. But I can tell you this … when I guy does nothing … NOTHING happens. Toilets don’t break, stuff doesn’t get spilled, and data charges don’t go flying thru the roof. Those all feel like SOMETHING to me … don’t they?

Anyway … one moth we go over on our data plan … and I go into the account so I can see the details … cuz I wanna know why. That way the next time “I didn’t do anything” happens, we can know what things to avoid.

So when I go in there, I see that one day in particular has a CRAZY amount of data being used. Like 50% of the data for the whole month on just this one day. And since I’m not getting any explanation from my house, I call cuz I wanna know what caused such a big spike so it never happens in the future.

“Well sir … we don’t know what used it.”

What do you mean you don’t know?

“We just know it gets used, but not how it gets used.”

I’m sorry, what? You’re the people keeping track of it!!!

If you don’t know what used it, then how do you know it got used in the first place? I’m just supposed to trust you? How do I know you don’t just pull a number out of the sky and toss it on there?

I’m sorry, but if you’re gonna charge for something … you gotta be able to keep track of what you’re charging for!

If I was your employee and you paid me hourly, it’s not like I could sit here and say ….. Yeah … uhhh … I worked like a thousand hours this week. I know you didn’t actually SEE me do any of the work, but TRUST ME … I did it.

I don’t think it’s too much to ask that you know what you’re actually charging for, do you?

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Quittin’ Shoes

Dear Diary …

That’s it … I quit. I’m done! I am quitting one of two things … I’m either quitting all kid activities. Or I’m quittin’ shoes.

And if you don’t think those two things are related, well then you’ve never had kids (or at least ones who’ve worn shoes).

Ugh … it is the single worst activity tied to soccer, baseball, football, dance, or whatever else requires footwear. Because on one hand, you have a parent doing everything they can to get a pair of shoes on to their child. Meanwhile, you have a child who’s single goal appears to be to move around in the least helpful way possible to combat said shoes.

Every … single … time I try to get my son into his baseball cleats he does this weird wiggly, jiggly thing with his kneecaps where he basically turns his lower leg into a piece of wet spaghetti.

Push your foot DOWN!

“I am!”

No you’re not. You’re twisting it all around like it’s some sort of new Fortnight dance called the Noodle Kneecap. Or my other favorite move, which I like to call the “Go Completely Limp and Have Your Entire Body Just Roll On the Floor.”

I’m pretty sure, “had to get their shoes on” is the single most popular reason kids are late to practices and games. And I know this because that’s pretty much the only reason we are ever late.

Diary … I was about to say, “that’s it … I have the perfect solution … we’re only gonna do swimming in our house!” And then I remembered swimming, and what it’s like to try to get a wet bathing suit off an unhelpful child and …. Well … maybe we just quit all activities instead.

Moving on Diary … I’d love it if you could help solve a mystery for me. OK … It’s not really a mystery since I already know it’s a big fat conspiracy instead. But, why is it that far too frequently I will click on a video online, sit thru their stupid 15 or 30 second ad or whatever, and then … oh look … the regular video doesn’t seem to want to work.

So what do you have to do? That’s right. Reload the page.

And what happens next? Another ad starts playing.

Oh well isn’t that convenient? Now you get to make twice the money off of me while I sit here again like an idiot because I have no other choice. It sure is funny how the AD never seems to be the video that screws up, just the real video. Hmmmm.

And by “funny” … I of course mean “not funny” … because ain’t nobody laughing at that. Just like when somebody says, “Hey I have a funny story.” Nope. No you don’t. Never in the history of stories has, “I have a funny story” actually been followed up with a funny story. End the lie!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

The One Way Conversation

Dear Diary …

I get it. We are addicted to our phones. We love burying our noses in those little things while we shut out the world around us. And you know what? That’s cool. Sometimes it is nice to shut out the world around you and just dive into whatever the world of Instagram or text messages or Candy Crush has to offer.

But if you’re gonna do that … then do that. Don’t be throwing out these random bits of one way communication that don’t mean anything to the people around you. My wife LOVES doing this. She’ll be sitting there on the couch on her phone and then out of nowhere just say …

“I’m telling you what”


Um … what?

“Oh nothing.”

What do you mean “nothing?” If that statement wasn’t meant for me … then just say it in your head!

And what is it with people who get a text … look at it … and then …

“Hahahaha … oh that’s funny.”



“Oh I was just reading a text”

I KNOW!!!!

If you don’t have any intention of sharing … which is FINE because I probably don’t care anyway … then DON’T SAY ANYTHING OUT LOUD IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Just because you type “LOL” … doesn’t mean you actually have to act the part. Just over there trying to prove whatever it is you’re doing is interesting.

“Look at ME! I’m looking at hilarious things!”

We don’t care … stop it!

OK … moving on Diary … I don’t understand children one bit. On one hand, they think their parents are the dumbest humans alive who don’t know a single thing about anything. I mean God forbid I try to give my son advice on anything.

“No … you don’t know.”

Fine .. whatever. I’m a moron. Just stop talking.

But at the same time … for as dumb as I’m supposed to be, I’m also supposed to be some kind of genius who knows the location of every single toy they own. And you know what? Not even every toy … every single PIECE of toy … no matter how big or how insignificant it may be.

“Where’s my tiny little gun that goes with this LEGO guy I haven’t played with in six months?”

How the heck would I know?

“You know!”

No … no I do not know. Remember … I’m dumb. I don’t know anything.

And furthermore, why is it my job to know the last known location of absolutely everything on Earth? You’re the one who played with it last.

“No I wasn’t!”

Oh yeah … that’s right … that was me who was playing with the Batman Batcave Play Castle when I got home from work the other day.

OK and you know what? Maybe I play with it when nobody’s looking, but I also put all the pieces back where I found them!

It’s ain’t my job to know where YOUR stuff is. I don’t come into your room and be like, “Hey kid … where are my brown dress socks?” So don’t be coming into mine making equally ridiculous demands!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Just One Dingus

Dear Diary …

Today I’m here to be the voice of a group of people that don’t get to have a voice of their own … the hard working business owners and employees … especially in the service industry. And yes … they have their own voice … but not when it comes to dealing with the irrational complaints and demands of their customers. No matter how “in the wrong” the customer may be, the people who run the business aren’t allowed to tell ‘em where to stick it because of the massive risks involved with things going viral online or in the media or whatever.

I on the other hand … I can tell ‘em where to go stick it on your behalf, which is what I’m about to do right now. People … it’s time to grow up and stop being whiny little babies on social media.

I’m sick and tired of every single time somebody has an issue, they go running right to their precious Facebook feed to start ranting and raving about how they were wronged by some company or restaurant or server or whatever.

Now understand … things aren’t always going to be perfect. But if your first reaction is, “I’m gonna go blow them up on Facebook!” then you need to adjust the way you live your life.

Like I said … I am well aware that there are going to be issues and they don’t refill your precious drinks in time. But here’s a shocker of an idea … why don’t you reach out to the business PRIVATELY and DIRECTLY before doing anything else? Because here’s another shocker … sometimes mistakes are made … and … GASP! … sometimes the company is more than happy to make the situation right! They’re even happy that you bring it to their attention so they can strive to be better for you and other customers in the future. I know … crazy, isn’t it?

But nooooo. Instead … we go whine about it to the whole universe and give them one star reviews and make giant declarations like, “I never set foot in there AGAIN!!!”

Well bravo to you! Just so you know … my 7 year old is better at dealing with life’s problems than you who just threw yourself on the virtual ground of the internet and had a foot stomping temper tantrum for all to see. Is that what you would do if you were in the aisles of the Wal-Mart? Or is it just want you do when you have your big ol’ “keyboard muscles” online?

These people that you “light up” … they’re PEOPLE just like you. They just wanna work hard, be successful, and take their dang kids to Disney World with some extra money. So you have absolutely no reason to treat them like you’re Queen Elizabeth and they are your underlings.

It’s time. Time to shut your mouths on social media. Feel free to use it as often as you want to post pictures of your dog, and hilarious memes about Taco Tuesday, and to ask us all if we know a good restaurant in Charlottesville because you’re way too lazy to look it up yourself. All that stuff is fine.

But quit being that person that says …

“I don’t normally post things like this, buuuuut …”

Uhh … you ALWAYS post things like this.

“I don’t want to argue about this, buuuut …”

Actually … you LOVE arguing about this.

But today … yes today … let’s all cut it out. OK look … I know most of these dinguses aren’t going to listen to this request, but if I can inspire just one dingus to shut their trap, that’s one less dingus we all gotta deal with.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.