The Sarcastic LOL

Dear Diary …

I’m done with the attitude! It’s not clever, it’s not funny, and I don’t wanna hear it anymore.

And I know what you’re thinking … “Oh YOU’RE gonna be the one to tell me YOU’RE done with attitude … Mr. King of Attitude and Sarcasm?”

Here’s the difference … I do attitude CORRECTLY. And … you probably totally deserve it anyway, so I’m just doing a public service for the community. Look … sarcasm and attitude have a place in this world. A GREAT place actually. Sometimes they are totally needed to keep people in check.

That said … the sarcastic LOL has NO place in our society! It’s cheap and lame, and ain’t nobody LOLing about that.

If you are unfamiliar with the sarcastic LOL … let me explain. As you probably already know … LOL got its start as “Laughing Out Loud.” Somebody said something funny, and you thought it was funny, so you said LOL! Now … you probably weren’t ACTUALLY laughing out loud. And that’s totally fine, because if you did, you would definitely look like a psychopath starting at your phone and going HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

But the point was this … LOL was a good natured little phrase that meant, “Yes … I find what you said to be amusing.”

Now … it’s become the sarcastic anthem of the internet playground bully who says things like … “You totally messed up that tiny detail of your story. LOL.” It’s basically become the modern day “Ha Ha” to needlessly try to cut other people down for no good reason.

Because look here you sniveling little bully .. ain’t nobody LOLing at your snarky little comment. Yes … congratulations to you for using Google to find out one random little factoid that may or may not have been correct in the moment. And … some detail that nobody cares about anyway. Bravo to you!

Oh … and the sarcastic LOL is usually followed up by some dumb comment like, “You should really do your research before you talk about things like that.” Do your research? What is this … an 11th grade term paper? Who’s doing “research” as a normal human?

“Hey … Zack … wanna meet us out tonight for Happy Hour?”

Oooh … sorry … I can’t. II was thinking of sending out some Tweets next week, so I gotta stay in and do some research. You know me … always doin’ research!

Don’t tell me to “do my research,” cuz you ain’t home researchin’ stuff either you mouth breather!

Actually … maybe you should be doing research. I’ll give you a topic … “How to elevate your level of comedy.” That one … that’s something that could really help you.

Now please excuse me while I go back to my extremely high brow and intelligent brand of humor as I giggle about how the phrase “penal code” sounds really funny. See? LOL! That’s where the LOL gets used.

Oh man … we are HIGH CLASS baby!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

We Will NEVER Get Along

Dear Diary …

I get it. We live in a frustrating time. We all sit here and say, “Why can’t we agree on anything? Can’t we just get along for the greater good?”

And I’m here to tell you … Nope! Not gonna happen! Not now. Not ever. So get over it.

And let me tell you something else … You’re whining and you don’t even know what it’s REALLY like. “Oooh politics … we can’t agree. It’s so bad.”

Oh whatever … you don’t know real pain until you try to get two siblings to agree on the same movie. You wanna talk about impossible? THAT’S impossible!

I’m out of movies. That’s right, Diary, all the movies on earth in the history of ever. We’ve been thru all of them.

And to be clear … we’ve watched none of them. We just rule out all of them.

Hey kids … how about this movie? It’s about dinosaurs and monsters and fun things!

One kid … Yes!

Other kid … NO!!!!


Fine. This movie. It has pirates … and a fairy … and action … and fun things.

Other kid: Yes!

First kid: NO!!!


And that’s the story. For every movie. Ever.

And this is why we are fundamentally screwed, because it is in our blood to be disagreeable little turds. Somebody else wants something? “Well then I want the opposite of that thing!”

That’s why we can’t get along. And that’s why we’ll never get along. We’re just one big “brother and sister” that are going to fight to the death on every topic and we don’t even know why.

OK … moving on Diary … Since we’re never gonna solve the big problems of getting along, maybe we can do baby steps and solve some tiny problems? Who knows? Maybe that will be the starting point that takes us down the path of solving the big problems. Probably not, but we can definitely try!

For example … how hard would it be to provide a “one tiny line” warning when you’re printing things?

I don’t know about you, but 90% of the time I print stuff, I end up with everything on it’s pages, except for one TINY line that has skeeted onto an extra page. All the time. Like clockwork … one tiny line just sneaking it’s way onto one giant piece of paper and single handedly killing every tree on earth.

This could be prevented! Couldn’t we just build a better warning system on our computers?

“Hey … so … uh … you’re about to print one tiny line worth of stuff on a page you don’t really even need. Are you sure you wanna do that?”

That’s all it would take and we would correct the issue and move on. Or event just delete that line and move on.

But nooooo … we waste that WHOLE piece of paper for one tiny line. Why? I have no idea why. Lumberjack mafia from the wood business? Who knows. m (The Brawny paper towel guy DOES look suspicious.)

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye