The New Conspiracy Theory

Dear Diary …

There’s a conspiracy taking place right under our noses, and nobody is saying anything about it. OK … to be fair … that may be because this conspiracy is only taking place in my own house.

Or is it?????

That’s why I bring it to you now … are we all part of the Great TV Conspiracy? Or am I just one unlucky idiot with a giant rain cloud over his house?

Let me explain …

In our house we do most of our TV watching on streaming devices … Amazon Fire Stick, Roku, Apple TV … that kind of thing.

Now … I have children. And as any parent knows, those children control the TV with their stupid shows 99% of the day. I mean … I can’t stay up to date on the “Handmaid’s Tale” because I “don’t have time,” but I’ve also seen every episode of “Fuller House” … three times.


But whatever … they’re kids. It comes with the territory. And yes … I could make them sit there through my shows, but they’re just gonna bug me the whole time anyway and ruin my enjoyment. And furthermore, I watch some freaky stuff. So they’re pure little eyes can’t see it anyway.

And here’s where the conspiracy comes in …

When it is bedtime, and those lovable little monsters have to head on up to Sleepyville, it is now time for my wife and I to FINALLY enjoy an episode of something we want to watch before we pass out from exhaustion.

So we turn on the TV …

And the Fire Stick reboots.

And this happens ALL the time … on ALL the TVs in the house.

It NEVER happens when the kids turn on the TV … starts right up and starts playing their lame little programs.

But for me? Updating … updating … updating …

And then what usually happens after that?

“I don’t remember how to connect to the internet anymore”

Scanning … scanning … scanning …

I feel like this is a conspiracy. I can’t possibly be the only one dealing with this garbage.

And if I am … then let me just ask … WHY???

WHY ME????

I work hard all day. I let the little dorks rule the house. Is it too much to ask to just sit down and watch ONE show that I actually want to watch without having to fight the TV for a half hour to try to get it to play?

I’m not a bad person. I mean … I do bad things. (Very bad things) But then I make up for it and hold the door for old ladies. That evens things out, right?

Apparently not.

So don’t mind me … I’ll just be over here reliving all the hijinks of DJ, Stephanie, and Kimi Gibler over and over again because apparently that’s the only thing I’m allowed to watch.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye

Avoid Sticky Things

Dear Diary …

I have a public service announcement to make that everyone should pay attention to. And it’ll sound completely reasonable when I tell you what it is, but it goes much deeper than what you think …


And yes … that sounds simple … because who in their right mind wants to have gross sticky hands? Well … I mean … who in their right mind over the age of seven wants that? Kids for some reason have no problem walking around with hands that feel like two pieces of flypaper.

But Diary … that’s not the kind of sticky I’m talking about. Yes … you can absolutely avoid THOSE sticky things, but you need to also avoid the lies and fraudulent claims of the OTHER sticky world … the Command Strip world.

And it’s not just Command Strips that are big fat liars, but I choose them as the example because then you know exactly what I’m talking about … these lying-ass products that claim they’re gonna stick to your walls so you can hang pictures or hooks or whatever.

I don’t care what brand you have and what kind of quality claims they make … they’re all liars. I’ve tried ‘em all, and none of ‘em work. “Hey you can hang this giant picture and it’s so easy with our Command Strips.” LIES!!!

It might hold it for a little while … until it’s 3am one night and you hear a loud crash in your living room. And you think you’re gettin’ robbed and you’re sneaking downstairs in your underwear holding a golf club saying, “I’ve already called the police and I’m armed!”

Oh but fear not, Underpants Dork, there’s no intruder. Just your lousy Command Strip no longer commanding anything and letting your picture crash to the floor. Useless!

Trust me … I want these things to work. I don’t wanna be driving a bunch of nails into my wall. But you know what else happens when you drive nails in the wall? They STAY in the wall. Not these sticky bobo contraptions.

And it only gets worse … I saw some add online the other day to download this app that would let you select your Instagram pictures, and they would send them to you on these cool looking tiles, and you could simply take them out of the box, peel the little sticky tape off the back, and then stick ‘em right to your wall. Amazing! They even said you could stick ‘em and restick ‘em over and over again. Amazing! … If it wasn’t a big fat lie.

And no … I don’t own any of those things … but I don’t need to to know that they’re gonna be cheaply made, come from some wacky country where the shipping takes nine months to actually show up at your house, and then they ain’t gonna stick to nothin’ when you try to hand them on the wall.

“Hey … look … this is so neat! I put like 12 of them on my wall!”

Sure … until the next morning when four of them are on the floor and two more are already hanging sideways. Amazing!

Don’t buy into the lies, people! And really … don’t buy into the lies of pretty much every little banner ad that pops up on your Instagram or Facebook or whatever. It’s one thing if it’s for a product you’ve heard of, but if you haven’t and instead and just looks like something super neat and new and cool … yeah … it’s from China … and it’s janky.

Trust me … I know … I stupidly give in to those ads. I bought a hoodie once because it was supposed to look cool like that guy in Assassin’s Creed. “Ooooh … look at me … I’m an assassin!”

Yeah … only problem is it took four months to get to me, and when it finally arrived, it’s made out of some weird material that … is very much not breathable. So sure … you can wear this thing and it looks decent … but after about 10 minutes you’re ready pass out because your body temperature has jumped about 15 degrees and you feel like you have a fever.

Oh … and the pockets are TINY. I’m talking, “you can barely even get your hands in there” tiny. And Diary, I should’ve been suspicious when the size was listed as “Asian medium,” but stupid me bought it anyway cuz I thought it looked cool.

“I’m a tough Assassin!”

No … no I am not.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Why Ask Why?

Dear Diary …

Today I’m going to ask a very simple question … WHY?

That’s right. Three simple letters … W-H-Y. And I ask this because there are simply so many things in this world that just make me shake my head and ask … WHY???

For example … If I email you, and you email me back with the words “call me.” WHY?

Rule number one of modern interaction … Don’t jump communication mediums! If we are emailing each other, then we are EMAILING each other. If we’re texting … keep texting. Unless you’re driving and you’re afraid your gonna get a ticket or in an accident, that is the only acceptable time to jump communication mediums. In every other case, you gotta see it thru the way it started.

I mean … if you were Skyping somebody in the nude and bein’ all frisky, you definitely don’t want her to say, “Hang on, let me email you the rest of the story.” NOOOO!!!

“But Zack … it’s just easier for me to talk to you on the phone instead of having to type out a whole email.”

Yeah … but it’s easier for ME to just skim that whole email and figure out that I’m not interested in it and can ignore it. That’s WAY quicker than me having to listen to you blab on and on and on about it on the phone!

Diary … here’s another example … there was a bowl of lemons in the refrigerator at work …. WHY????

And not like, “Hey here’s some whole lemons in a bowl.” This was an uncovered pile of sliced lemons that were leftover from some gigantic jug of iced tea that was in the building. Why are we saving these?

“Well let me just save these lemons. The iced tea’s all gone, but maybe somebody would like some lemons.”

I’m sorry, but day old sliced lemons are garbage. And speaking of garbage, stop leaving random garbage on the counter in the work kitchen! Diary … I don’t know if it’s the same where you work, but we have this counter in the kitchen where people leave things as sort of a freebie to whomever wants it.

And that’s fine if you got cucumbers from your garden you’re trying to get rid of or maybe an unopened bag of chips or something, but people leave straight up trash on our counter. One day there was a bunch of old cell phone cases … all for phones that probably haven’t been used by any humans in 5 years. There were two for a flip phones!

“Oh thank heavens there’s a case for my flip phone! I’ve been looking for one for so long!”

Another time around Halloween there were four Dum Dums just sittin’ there.

Why you leaving Dum Dums out there? You got a leftover Snickers … fine. But ain’t nobody want your sad little lollipops with the question mark flavor wrapper all over them. (BTW “mystery flavor” is always the same … and that flavor is “meh.”)

Leftover Dum Dums are trash. Throw them away.

Old cell phone covers are trash. Throw them away.

“But what about these lemons?”

Throw them away!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.