I’m Taking a Break

Dear Diary …

“I’m taking a break from social media.” … This might be the single most untrue and unnecessary statement anyone has ever made.

1) It’s not true. Anybody who says “I’m taking a break from all the drama of social media” … That is the person who is causing all of the drama on social media. And even if they tell you that hate it, that’s a lie too. They LOVE it. They live for the drama. Because …

2) If you truly did want to end drama, you’d never say this statement in the first place. People who truly don’t like drama DON’T TALK ABOUT DRAMA … because that alone … is DRAMA.

If you really wanted to leave, you’d just … LEAVE. Nobody ever declares … “Hey everybody I’m gonna disappear and hide from the law.” (Well … the people that get caught might, but no halfway decent fugitive would ever say that.)

Any you know what else these people do? They still check social media.

“Hey just logging on to let everybody know that I’m still taking a break from social media”

Uhhh … no. It does not work that way! Alcoholics don’t meet you out for a cocktail to let you know that they still ain’t drinkin’. You broke the seal. Your streak is over. And furthermore … you never left. You probably just went camping for a couple days and didn’t have cell access anyway.

You wanna leave? Fine. Then just leave. We don’t need to hear about it. If you actually wanted to leave, that’s what you’d be goin for anyway.

OK … moving on Diary …

You know me. I like rule. Good rules. Actual rules that help keep people in line and prevent stupid people from having too much responsibility. That said, we have WAY too many useless rules. Rules that don’t really accomplish anything. And furthermore, we have people that actually make it their life’s goal to uphold these useless rules.

I was at the airport this past weekend, so I do what everybody does when they fly … look like an idiot who has to take half their clothes off to go through security. Now to be clear … these are rules I’m OK with. Am I mad that one shoe bomber has inconvencied the rest of humanity for an eternity by having to take their shoes off at the airport? Yes. Yes I am.

At the same time, if that’s what keeps me safe. So be it. If I gotta take my pants off, put my thump in my butt, and sing Yankee Doodle Dandy to guarantee that no terrorists are on my plane … fine. I’m willing to make that sacrifice.

At the same time, when I unload all of my belongings and Iput them in 3 giants plastic bins, what I don’t need is a TSA agent who says … “Sir … you need to put your keys, wallet, and phone in a smaller white bin instead of that slightly larger gray bin.”

Oh???? So the magical tiny white bin somehow helps get my wallet through security better than the somewhat larger gray bin?”

What are we doing here? Why are we wasting our time with this? And why does this person care at all?

It’s what I always ask myself when I gotta deal with government employees who harp on paperwork all day. “Well sir … this is form 27B, but then you need to fill out the supplement form 27C that has all the exact same information on it, but has a different label at the top.”

Do you even like yourself when you go home at night? What do you do on the weekends … measure the length of people’s lawns to make sure they fit into the regulations of the homeowner’s associations?

Actually … that’s probably EXACTLY what they do, because they love useless rules. Here’s a crazy idea … try “fun” some time. Because it’s actually … FUN. YAnd you never know … you could even like it once or twice.

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Zack’s Survival Tip

Dear Diary …

Today I have a survival tip.  And this is not “rub two sticks together to make fire,” or “how to build a hut out of a leaf and some string.”  It’s a home survival tip.  At least it is in my house …

Don’t move.

That’s right.  Don’t.  Move.  That’s how you survive.

And not from a bear attack or a burglar or something.  I just mean … “the children.”

Because as long as you sit there … and don’t make a sound … and don’t move a muscle … you’re good.  But the SECOND you even make a twitch of your body remotely in the direction of the kitchen …

“Hey … as long as you’re in there … can you get me a snack?”

What makes you think I’m going in there?  And why are you watching me like a hawk, just waiting for me to show any sign of life so you can turn me into the butler again?

And really I can’t decide what’s worse … Getting asked the second I move my body, or then going in the kitchen, filling all of the demands, and then sitting down and hearing …

“The next time you’re in the kitchen can you…”

NO!  No I cannot!  OK fine … I’m sure I will because I’m a big loser … but I’m not going back in there for a while.


Fine.  I’ll go do it right now.

Man I’m so not in charge of anything.

And here’s another one  I love … why does nobody in the world seem to know their option, even when the options are basically the same now through the end of time?

Here’s what I’m talking about.  I’ll ask the kids what they want for breakfast and they’ll say, “What is there?”  Well there’s waffles, toast, and cereal. 
Next day … Hey what do you want for breakfast?

“What is there?”

WAFFLES, TOAST, AND CEREAL … JUST LIKE YESTERDAY!!!!!  Do I look like I’m whipping up short order cook items on some kind of menu or something?

And let’s be clear … it’s not just the children who act like this … think of all the times you’re at the McDonald’s drive thru and there’s a dodo in front of you taking forever.

“Oh I just don’t know what to get.  What do they have?”

They have burgers!  They have fries!  They have nuggets! It’s basically the same thing they’ve always had.

And further … doesn’t everybody go to fast food because they have a specific craving in mind?  At least for me it’s always, “I’m in the mood for a Doritos Loco Taco … I’m going to Taco Bell.”

Are there people out there that just say, “I’m in the mood to order food, let me just pull in here and see what happens?”

When I go to a bar with my wife … “Oh I don’t know what to get.  What do they have?”

Alcohol!  They have alcohol!  See that big line of bottles up there on the wall?  The same ones that every bar has?  Those!  Order those!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.