I Don’t Know Anything (About Women)

Dear Diary ….

I know women.

Oh wait … that was a typo … I know NOTHING about women.

Look … it’s important to understand your own strength and weaknesses. I know cooking. I know pointless details about fantasy football. Women … I don’t know nothin’.

You ladies do an amazing job of holding on to the mystery. You seem like simple creatures. You even rope us in and make feel like, “yeah I’m starting to figure this out.” Then you totally steer the ship into the opposite direction and leave us standing there wondering what the heck just happened.

Like for example … why do women take so long to do everything? Like when my wife and I go to bed. I go upstairs … brush my teeth … do whatever else I need to do in the bathroom … get into bed. Boom. Five minutes.

And now I’m ready … cuz it’s snuggly time. Just waitin’ on the ol’ wife to join me.

And waiting …

And waiting …

And waiting.

What the heck is going on in there?

I mean, I get it, there’s there’s a couple more lotions and potions going on because ladies have a different routine, and men are just gross ogres that say, “Me go sleep now.”

But still … how long does it really take to wash a face?? Where’s the hustle in all this?

I’ll be honest ladies … I think you’re doing it on purpose. Just … taking your time … while we dudes lay there and … get a little sleepy …

Get a little sleepier…

Get … zzzzzzzzzz ….

Yup … mission accomplished, and now you’re over there watchin’ “Handmaid’s Tale” in peace.

Here’s another one … why do women seem like they’re always on a mission to lose their ID?

To men … the ID is the single most important rectangle we own. We guard that thing with our lives. We keep it in a certain spot in our wallet … and it NEVER leaves that spot. That way we know exactly where it is at all times.

Women? They treat that thing like it’s an old receipt from Burger King. Sometimes it’s in their wallet. Sometimes it’s in their bag. Sometimes it’s just randomly tossed in a pocket.

“Oh I don’t know where my ID is”

You crazy, girl!

How can you be so casual about the single most important rectangle you own?

I’ll tell ya how … women are not held to the same punishments when they don’t have their ID.

Try to get into the club? “Oh I can’t seem to find my ID … well let me check my shirt pocket here near my cleavage. Oh … I can go in anyway? Thank you so much!”

Meanwhile if you’re a guy without an ID? Jail. You’re in jail.

“Homeless John Doe spotted on street. Thrown in jail.” No exceptions!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

I Hate Your Hydro Flask

Dear Diary …

I do believe I had one of the dumbest experiences of my entire life over the weekend, and it was all courtesy of two words … Hydro … Flask. And if you don’t know what a Hydro Flask is, it’s an overpriced water bottle that … and I have no idea which person or group or Kardashian decided this … but it’s a water bottle that turns everyone under the age of 16 into a drooling zombie. Brain matter oozing out of their nose … must … have … Hydro Flask.

$35 for this stupid water bottle. $35! “Oh but it has a handle so you can attach it to your backpack!” Oh well in that case it’s a DEAL!!!

So I ended up at GoFest this weekend … which I love. I think it’s one of the best events that’s been put together in this area in the last decade. They have all sorts of great stuff … vendors, activities, bands … and … Hydro Flasks. One seemingly innocent looking tent in the corner that just has a bunch of water bottles, but then also has 900,000 people standing in line because “OH MY GOD THEY ARE GIVING YOU A CHANCE TO TRY TO WIN A HYDRO FLASK!!!!”

That’s right Diary … the legion of zombies were excited to pay $5 just for the hopes of maybe winning a cup. But not just any cup … the cup that launches them into the social stratosphere for no reason other than … well … who the heck knows.

So naturally my children want one. So we stand there … and stand there … and by “we” I mean legions of parents thinking to themselves, “What bad choices have I made in my life to end up with this cruel fate that I’m experiencing right now?”

And as I stand there I get to hear such meaningful conversations from children like, “Do you think they’ll let us pick out a color when we win?” “Oh they only have yellow?” “Hey they only have yellow!”

So I’m not gonna lie … I lost it. Kids … so help me God … I can’t stand in this line for another second. Especially since we know darn well we you’re probably gonna lose the contest anyway and then I’m gonna have two crying kids that don’t have Hydro Flasks. So I am getting you the heck out of this line and I will buy you each your own stinking Hydro Flask.

“But Zack … they’re $35”


Right now I would pay somebody $35 to hit me in the face with a Hydro Flask just so I can get out of this line. I even said to myself … I’m a grown man and I make enough money that if wanna waste it on something stupid just to stop standing in a line … well by darnit I’m gonna waste that money!

So we go barrelling toward the nearest booth that was selling them. And I know they were selling them because they had giant signs that said, “Yes we have Hydro Flasks,” which was really just code for “That’s right ya dumb parent … this is the place you’re gonna overpay for a water bottle! BAHAHAHA!!!”

And then I realized it … you know the last time I saw signs like this? “Yes we have Fidget Spinners.” That right you trendy little VSCO girls with your messy buns and your goofy water bottles. You’re just tooling around town with this year’s Fidget Spinner that’ll be garbage by next year. Enjoy!

Oh and the end of this story? Like and good story about a Dad just trying to buy his way out of a parenting issue … both my kids wanted a blue Hydro Flask. And guess how many they had? One. Which is the same amount of crying children I ended up with who didn’t get their Hydro Flask … which I guess is better than two … right?

[Sigh] Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye.

Don’t Take Care of Anything

Dear Diary …

People try to give helpful advice all the time. They say things like …

“Take of your body.”

“Take care of your money,.”

“Take care of your car.”

Awww … that’s so nice. But you know what … I’m gonna give you helpful advice that’s WAY easier than all of those things.

Here goes …

Don’t take care of anything.

That’s right. Don’t bother with any of it.

And you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Alright nutjob, how is this even remotely helpful?”

Well … I’ll tell ya …

Take my lawn mower for example. I take care of it. I change the oil every year. I change the air filter … the spark plug … I sharpen the little blade on the bottom. And here we are three years later and … it’s broken.

I did ALL those things, and now the stupid mower doesn’t work. Meanwhile, I talk to people ALL the time who have this old, ratty lawn mower … covered in dirt and that thick film of lawn leavins … and they’re out there mowing their lawn just fine. And furthermore, they’ll tell you … “I’ve had this lawn mower for 10 years … never changed the oil … never took care of it one bit … and have never had an issue.”

See? No point in taking care of it, because you don’t even get rewarded if you do.

Think about the last time you saved some money.

I did that recently … squirreled away $400 when I cleaned out some stuff in my basement and sold some old coins.

Guess what happened the next day?

Air conditioner in my house broke and cost me … wait for it … $400.

See? Don’t take care of your money. Cuz when you do … the universe just says … “Ohhh look … he has money! Let’s take it!!”

And it works for pretty much anything. Last week I took care of some work early. And you know what I got? An unscheduled meeting.

Forget it … I’m not saving anything, earning anything, or taking care of anything, because all it does is go right out the other end anyway.

Till next time Diary .. I say .. Goodbye

The Auto Refresh Screwgee

Dear Diary …

We are all victims. Specifically at the hands of social media. I think we all pretty much agree … every evil social media website is basically tracking us, manipulating us, and basically figuring out ways to turn us all into mindless drooling drones who do whatever they say. Happy Tuesday!

And I realize … we’re probably powerless against our Facebook overlords, so I’m just gonna close my eyes and try to enjoy the ride, but why do they have to throw in the little things as well? Isn’t the overall control of our brains enough? Why do they have to hit us with tiny little gut punches too like the “Auto-Refresh Screwgee?”

You know what I’m talking about … when you’re just minding your business and trying to snoop on people on Instagram. You open up your app … see a picture that catches your eye … and before you can fully soak it in it … POOF! Auto-refresh takes it away into the abyss of God knows where.

No! Wait … wha- … where did it go? And you didn’t even get a close enough look at it to remember who was posting it, or even entirely what the picture was, but your brain knew enough that it wanted to see more. And now it’s gone.

And there is NO way this is by accident. The overlords want you to go into mind melting mode and … “Must … scroll … find … photo …” Now they got ya … for probably as long as they want while your drooling brain tries to find the long lost bikini picture you thought you say 10 seconds ago. Yup … they got us on pretty much any level they want.

Moving on Diary … speaking of the overlords controlling our every move and behavior … the other group of evil geniuses who do this are … the children. I don’t know how they’ve figured out how to game the system so well, but they totally have. They call all the shots and basically do whatever they want.

I don’t know about your kids, Diary, but mine are totally obsessed with “new” things. Specifically snacks. This is how I end up with two open boxes of Cheezits in the pantry. Same flavor, but one was “new” so it just HAD to be opened! And they totally know how to play dumb when you confront them.

This weekend we were in charge of snacks after soccer. (And don’t even get me started on “snacks” on how ridiculous it is that our kids basically expect a snack reward every single time they go outside and run around for 5 minutes.) But anyway … one of the snacks we did were those little mini containers of Pringles. And at the end of the game, we had a few left over. OK cool … we can totally use these for lunches this week … super easy to just stick in their bag and send them on their way.

OK kids … these will be for lunches this week … OK?


Fast forward to 30 minutes later and I look over and my daughter has one of the travel containers open and she’s just snacking’ away. Plenty of other open Pringles in the house, but of course she has to go for the “new” one that I told her not to eat.

What are you doing? I told you not to eat those!

“Oh … I forgot.”

Oh and that is such a pile of bullpucky. Kids always seem to “forget” when it’s convenient for them. If I told me daughter … “remind me in 87 days to take you to the store to buy a toy,” I guarantee you she’d remember. So she can certainly remember to not eat a container of Pringles a half hour after I tell her not to.


Ugh … the Sarcastic Sorry. I hate that thing. And every kid does it. And they all think it counts as a suitable sorry (which it does NOT!).

“I said I was sorry!”

No you didn’t, you said some whiny, nasally little word that you didn’t even mean. If I’m at work, and I screw up, and my boss calls me out on it, you think “Sorry!” Is going to make him feel better about the whole thing? I doubt it!

Till next time Diary … I say … Goodbye